buzzie2 Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 I have no one else to share this with, and I really need to talk about this. Well I had been looking forward all week to this blind date my married co-worker had set me up with. She told me that he was a friend of her husbands, and that at a New Years Party he asked my friend if she knew any cute girls from work that he could take out to dinner. She told me he was 32 and owned his own computer company, and that he was really nice. I agreed but on the condition that I met him for coffee with my friend and her husband before we started dating. I told her I was shy and would be more comfortable this way. Well he agreed and we all met up at a coffee house today. This is what happend: He showed up late, and when he did show up he didnt offer to buy me a drink or anything to eat . He didnt even ask me any questions, and the whole time mostly just talked to my friends husband about his business or his friends. The worst part of the whole thing was that when my married friend and her husband said they had to leave, my date looked at his watch and said he had to go and didnt ask for my number or set up another date. He looked relieved to get out of there. I was pretty embarassed. I don't know what I did wrong, I was polite and gave him eye contact. My question is was his behavior on the rude side? Because thats what I thought. And now how am I going to act around my friend at work? I think she felt embarrassed for me.
bluechocolate Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 It could have been rude (showing up late is certainly not a good start). It also could be that he's shy or felt uncomfortable, like there was a chaperon present, which is maybe one reason why he didn't directly talk to you. You say he talked mostly with his buddy about work, did your friends husband try to steer the conversation in such a way to include you? You expressed surprise at him not asking you any questions, fair enough. Did you ask him any questions? It could also be that he quickly decided that he's not interested in you. Who knows? Whatever the reason - I think one should approach a blind date with zero expectation, therefore zero disappointment. And now how am I going to act around my friend at work? That I don't understand. Act as you normally would. It was a blind date - you have nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed about, nor does she.
Blackard Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 My question is was his behavior on the rude side? I dunno. Was your expectations rude? I mean, think about it for a second. You sized him up in about two seconds when he didn't offer to buy you something. Your expectation is that men pay for you, which is superficial, unfair, sexist in today's day. I mean, should he expect that you take his dirty laundry and do it as a matter of dating? ;p See, and before you jump at me, we all have these foolish expectations that really, in the long run, are nothing more then obstacles to good relationships. He, may have done the same to you. He may have, as we men often do, sized you up in the same heartbeat when you may have not stood up to his beauty expectations. Totally unfair to you also. Maybe even more so. I see it as more unfortunate for you because you never stood a chance in that situation....and trust me, if you were a fashion model, he would have spoken up. Just a bad situations with too many expectations going in. That's what it sounds like to me because that is what often happens. Men want a playboy model, women want a butler who pays their way. Maybe next time you offer to buy the next guy, coffee. May serve a dual purpose in first, breaking your expectations; second, throw a guy off stride just enough to let you show the real you rather then just a poster comparing you to some ideal of the "perfect woman"....which, of course, means top of the line looks alone.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 I would say just chalk it up to yet another bad blind date. I've been on hundreds of them! The last one last 15 minutes during which he told me he was incontinent! As far as your friend who set you up goes - just act normally. If she brings it up - which she may - it sounds like you both had similar reactions to how this guy behaved. I would thank her for the thought though - because it was very kind of her to try. In the future I would suggest going on a blind date for coffee alone. No one schedules a very long time for coffee - it is just assumed it will be a quick meeting. If there are others around, who you both know - it is more likely that you will talk to those you know. If you are so shy you won't meet someone on your own - then suggest a double dinner date. There is more time over dinner to speak with everyone at the table. Don't stress this one - it was just typical!
Gold Pile Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 Are blind people better lovers than sighted people? Do they make better husbands/wifes? Over the years I've turned down many invitations to blind dates. I had no ideal there were so many blind daters out there. How come the drive-up ATM has Braille dots? I have nothing against blind folks, I just don't know why so many people try to fix me up with them. I'm good looking (ask kitkat:love: ), so it's not like I look so bad that only blind people would date me.
cygny Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 Maybe next time you offer to buy the next guy, coffee. May serve a dual purpose in first, breaking your expectations; second, throw a guy off stride just enough to let you show the real you rather then just a poster comparing you to some ideal of the "perfect woman"....which, of course, means top of the line looks alone. he's the one that initiated. why should she buy him coffee? makes her look way too desperate. bad idea any way you look at it. he sounds very strange to me. not even gracious or fun. forget him and pretend like it never happened around your friend.
loony Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 He might have been pressured by your friends to go to this date even though he didn't want to. He might have felt uncomfortable to see someone who is so shy that she can't go to a blind date with him alone, but needs her friends with her. A guy who asks a friend if she knows any nice girls at work that he can meet doesn't seem that shy to me, therefore he might have been looking for someone a bit more assertive. The way you described his behavior makes me think that he was quite reluctantly doing someone else a favor, maybe your friends pushed him into coming and he didn't really feel like going at all and that's why he didn't bother with manners anymore. He also didn't behave like a gentleman, because it just didn't feel like a date to him (well, I would also not consider it a date when other people are present). In any case, I think you shouldn't worry too much about this incident. He was indeed not very nice (I don't understand your complaint about the drinks though, especially since it wasn't a real date) and if he doesn't understand your shyness you might be better off with someone else. Nonetheless I would recommend you to work a bit on yourself and become a bit more assertive. There are shy people who still manage to get things done and others are just constantly terrified of everything. I'm both sometimes and I know the latter drive people nuts (including myself - yes, I know it's not nice to think like this, but whatever....) for being so insecure about everything. This is just a blind date, you meet someone and if he's nice - great. If not, you go home and have practiced your dating skills for an evening. It's not a big deal. I would even think it can be more exciting than a regular date, because you don't know who you are going to meet and there's a touch of mystery to it. But anyway, take it as a lesson and next time go out with him immediately. Keep in mind, if you were not a good catch your co-worker would have hardly asked you. I would never set up a date for people whom I didn't find interesting in some ways.
cygny Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 i don't think you asking to go for coffee first was such a bad idea. it was completely within his power to make things fun and relaxed. it would have been even more contrived to go on the blind date first. if he was that awful in the presence of mutual friends, he would have been much worse on a date. sounds like no great loss to me.
loony Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 I don't think going to have coffee as a first date is a bad idea, but to me asking your friends to come along for something as simple as coffee does seem a bit too insecure. It's a bit girly behavior and if her date is 32 then I don't think that she is that young anymore so her behavior is a little bit weird. She should work on it. And I'm not saying he was such a great catch either.
cygny Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 he sounds like the insecure one to me...but then maybe he just wanted a playboy model and that was that...
Yamaha Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 Blind dates usually suck so I wouldn't spend much time thinking about if you did anything wrong. Just chalk it up to experience and be glad you don't have to see someone who's behavior was rude.
loony Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 I would not say he was great or anything, but rude, because he was expecting a playboy model? I doubt this. I know though that shy people sometimes don't feel comfortable when they are around someone who is even more shy and has this aura of insecure nervousness around him/her. I also don't understand why it is necessary to go out and have coffee with someone first, before you start dating this person. To me, all this sounds childish and I wouldn't be surprised if he felt the same. I don't understand her logic, either it's a date where she expects him to pay for everything, or it's just a casual gettogether before they start dating (her words). If I understand it right she wants to see him first to check him out, yet expects that he treats her like a date even if it's not a date. For me it proves, that she doesn't know what she really wants and that is a problem she needs to work on.
Surprised Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 I would say just chalk it up to yet another bad blind date. I've been on hundreds of them! The last one last 15 minutes during which he told me he was incontinent! WoW! That has got to be the worst conversation topic yet on a date!
Giselle Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 For a casual thing like this, I wouldn't have expected him to buy me anything. I think the problem is that you both just had different expectations--he wanted "a cute girl to take out to dinner" and you wanted maybe something more. He probably just sized you up really quickly and closed his mind off further to you. Don't worry about it, just leave it at experience.
Lucasarts Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 i think he didnt find you his type, and you apparently were not "attractive" in his eyes so he didnt bother trying to initiate anything. thats a shame and apparently he doesnt care... hes not much of a gentleman and unfortunately that is what most guys are out there (sometimes me as well)... just get over it, and dont be embarrassed around your friend either, i mean she did what a friend does tryin to help you out and all. and ask her what your "blind date" thought of you, and have her tell you the truth.
Blackard Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 he's the one that initiated. why should she buy him coffee? makes her look way too desperate. bad idea any way you look at it. he sounds very strange to me. not even gracious or fun. forget him and pretend like it never happened around your friend. Ok, then don't. Stand on your principles and let the date go bad. *shrug* Just something to think about here. First, I think her friends set up the date, not him. He merely inquired about women. They set up the date...so should they pay? ;p Second, If a man buys a woman coffee on a date (regardless of WHO asks) does that make him seem "desperate?". No, it demonstrates class, and guys like classy women also, So then why should see seem that way...unless you add in sexist stereotypes that dictate that its a man's "job" to pay for women, in which case, my original opinion is correct.
Neptune Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 That sort of situation is just tough. The best hookup situation for people that want two people to meet is to invite them to some sort of party or event. And to brief each one in advance that they are available and in the market. Chemistry on a probability scale is very low. So, random hookups over coffee are likely a bust.
cygny Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Ok, then don't. Stand on your principles and let the date go bad. *shrug* Just something to think about here. First, I think her friends set up the date, not him. He merely inquired about women. They set up the date...so should they pay? ;p Second, If a man buys a woman coffee on a date (regardless of WHO asks) does that make him seem "desperate?". No, it demonstrates class, and guys like classy women also, So then why should see seem that way...unless you add in sexist stereotypes that dictate that its a man's "job" to pay for women, in which case, my original opinion is correct. so a woman is classy if she buys some stranger-dude who inquires about women generically coffee? wow i'd better get out there and find some guys who are just looking for a great lay/a cute girl and ask them if i can buy them coffee, and they will all like me and think i'm classy. hey, thanks for the tip. i was wondering what i was doing wrong. and while you're on about sexist stereotypes--here's something to think about...is it a woman's job to spend money on looking good so that a man will find her attractive? do you have any idea how much a good-looking woman spends to get that way? hundreds if not thousands of dollars a month, on a typically much lower salary than a man. then factor in the 2 to 3 hours she takes to get ready for the date, picking out clothes, doing her hair and nails and makeup and perfume. now, just take a few minutes to think that through. put yourself in a woman's place for a change. after you have done all that money-spending and work to look good, it is still up to you to go up to some spineless self-absorbed dude who has an axe to grind with women, and buy the poor dear a cup of coffee so you can look like a classy woman. well i'm sure you will come back with all the expenses a man has for a date but actually you are arguing that the woman should do all the work and pay as well. the bottom line is, the guy initiated this thing and if he doesn't have the class to spend $1.30 on a cup of coffee on her, he's not worth her time or ours either.
loony Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 The original poster wasn't on a real date, so why should he buy her something. In fact, I would find it weird had he invited her to something, but not his friends. I think it's ok to invite a guy, it just means you are being friendly. And of course I dress nicely to please guys, but mostly I think I do it for myself, I just want to look good. If you complain that you have to spend so much money in order to look good for a guy I find that a little bit passive-aggressive. There are a lot of guys who don't care about women wearing a lot of make-up, have false finger nails and walk around in Manolos, so the claim that you have to spend all this money in order to attract guys is simply not true. Some even would call you superficial if you were willing to spend thousands of dollars a month on your looks.
cygny Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 The original poster wasn't on a real date, so why should he buy her something. In fact, I would find it weird had he invited her to something, but not his friends. I think it's ok to invite a guy, it just means you are being friendly. And of course I dress nicely to please guys, but mostly I think I do it for myself, I just want to look good. If you complain that you have to spend so much money in order to look good for a guy I find that a little bit passive-aggressive. There are a lot of guys who don't care about women wearing a lot of make-up, have false finger nails and walk around in Manolos, so the claim that you have to spend all this money in order to attract guys is simply not true. Some even would call you superficial if you were willing to spend thousands of dollars a month on your looks. I'm not saying he should have bought her something, but that's the item that other posters were making a big issue out of. I saw it as part of the pattern of the behavior which overall was quite unfriendly. What struck me about the episode is that he came in late in the first place, and then didn't even include her in the conversation, but almost made a point out of excluding her. I think that shows that he was regretting the whole thing before he even met her, so his behavior has nothing to do with her personally or her looks. It's all him. And yes that was rude. Sure it would have been a nice gesture to offer her a cup of coffee, but more important he should have been friendly, polite and pleasant, even if he wasn't interested in her for a dating relationship. I just think it's a bit over the top to suggest that she should have bought him coffee instead. And I'm not complaining. But I think guys who complain about spending money on a date that they initiated and also want a great looking woman need to understand that only a fraction of good looking women are born that way. The rest is artifice and effort, and it all costs money and time.
loony Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 I neither agree that this was a date nor that he should have bought her anything, therefore I also don't think she should have bought him something at this meeting. But I think you were talking about expectations concerning dating in general and there I have to say, I think it's ok when the woman buys the guy something. What I get from the original poster's post is that she is a little bit insecure about dating, has in my opinion also somewhat unrealistic expectations (like wanting to meet him first before they start they start dating this sounds more like an entrance test that you have to pass before you are allowed to make a move and I thought dating is for getting to know each other. And who says he would be so interested in continuing to date her after the first time. In my experience, people who make too many assumptions about future events are a little bit too self-centered, because they are not taking into account how other people might feel. And most of the time self-centered people are not the easiest to hang around) and is not active enough herself. I therefore don't think that he was the only one to blame for the awkwardness. Who knows maybe he didn't talk with her, because he felt uncomfortable in her presence. If I went to a meeting and my partner was just sitting around waiting for me to engage him into a conversation I might also turn to someone else who is more open for a talk. I believe that even when you don't say anything you will still give off some vibes that other people pick on.
cygny Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 so are you saying that because she didn't want to go on a date with a stranger she came off as insecure and its her fault he acted this way? well ok.
loony Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 so are you saying that because she didn't want to go on a date with a stranger she came off as insecure and its her fault he acted this way? well ok. No, he wasn't nice, he was rude, but I'm just explaining why he might have acted so weird. I also wouldn't recommend a second date with him. She should have either agreed to go on a date with him or not gone at all. This pseudo date with her friends wasn't fair. She had expectations on him as if it was a real date, but the whole setting just wasn't. She didn't want a real date, so she didn't get a real date and now she's complaining. That's not fair.
cygny Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 No, he wasn't nice, he was rude, but I'm just explaining why he might have acted so weird. I also wouldn't recommend a second date with him. She should have either agreed to go on a date with him or not gone at all. This pseudo date with her friends wasn't fair. She had expectations on him as if it was a real date, but the whole setting just wasn't. She didn't want a real date, so she didn't get a real date and now she's complaining. That's not fair. i don't really see it as a question of fairness of her expectations because even if she had not cared about his buying her coffee or something to eat, his behavior sabotaged the point of the meeting. if he had simply included her in the conversation like a normal adult, i doubt she would have felt so bothered by the rest of it. maybe we are all reading this wrong. maybe instead of her looking insecure, she seemed intimidating to him. maybe he thought, this chick wants to look me over and decide i'm good enough for her before going out with me. that could explain his behavior too, couldn't it?
Author buzzie2 Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 Hi Everyone I'm the girl that wrote the original post. I've read all you're responses, and I would have to agree that yes I went into this whole thing with a lot of expectations. I havent dated in a long time so I was really nervous. I thought that by bringing my friends along it would be less nerve wracking, but maybe to my date it came across as insecure of me. I think that he felt forced into doing the whole thing. I don't know if I mentioned this already but the guy that I was being set up with actually works for my friends husband. I think that maybe he really didnt want to meet me, but because my co-workers husband is his boss, he felt like he had too. Either way, it doesnt matter now because even if he was rude I realize that there was absolutely no chemistry, and if he had ended up being nice to me and wanted another date I probably would have said yes just be nice, even though I knew it would be going nowhere. So now I have changed my attitude, and instead of being angry with this guy, I am grateful for what he did. He saved us both a lot of awkwardness. It's just too bad that he was made out to be the bad guy. We are both at fault. He probably wanted someone more attractive, and I was looking for Mr. Right Now. So once again, thanks to all who responded. You gave me a lot to think about.
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