buoy Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 Hi all, Been seeing this girl for barely 3 mo now. When we met we were both seeing other people. The others have fallen away more or less. When we're together, it's great. There is really something there. So much in common. There is long-term potential, and we both know it. With each date, there is progress. However, when we're apart, she's not available. And this has been a problem for me since the beginning. It's been great between us and with past girls, that's meant that we start seeing each other more and more often. This one is different, it's very difficult to get a date sooner than a week after the last one. Typically I've been hooked up this far along, but I've only seen this girl 9 times in 3 mo. I laid it out for her last month, thinking that if I showed her I was serious (aka not playing her) that she would step up, too. So, I told her how I really felt, that I was ready to hookup, etc. She basically said she couldn't, citing having been hurt really, really bad from her last relationship (ended 1mo or 2 before she met me), and her marriage that ended this year (she was cheated on). So she's very, very guarded now. And not knowing each other that well yet. But still wanted to keep seeing me and get to know me better. We've talked about these at length before--I know she's not faking. Here's the thing folks. On one hand, it looks like games, yes. However, she is adamant about not playing games and I believe her. If there is one thing that I know, it's that we are honest with each other. We talk about anything. But, the contact between dates has stayed the same. My expectations from past exp. are that things seem like they should move forward, so I've been going for it, it's been me that has initiated most all of the contact, calls or text msgs, etc. I've been doing all of the chasing. And I may have been a bit clingy at times, eagerly trying to set up a date the day after or within 48hrs, etc. Calling/textmsg once every day or every other day at times, etc. My friends say I've been too available for her. Probably true. But, I've grown tired of that. I have no interest in being clingy. And I'm sure as hell not going to be a doormat. I want her to reciprocate more. At this point, I know I have more feelings than her. This is a first for me; I usually get them second. I hope that none of them are from the fact that's she difficult to get a hold of; that would be lame IMO. But, I am feeling strongly for her, I can't deny it. After our last date this week (which was one of our best yet), I decided to do "no contact" for once, to see if she will pick up the ball and contact me and to give her time to actually think about me and miss me. But it's scary. I've never had to do this before. It's the end of day 3 and it is truly difficult. I thought that because I initiated it that I'd be better able to control my feelings for her, but no. It doesn't help. (Thoughts?) Anyway, I'll tell you this: There is NO WAY I would stick around for any of this for just anyone...if I didn't think she was worth it. This one is really special and the good still outweighs the bad, despite the difficulties. And like I said, there is progress with each date, or again, I would be gone. I think the walls are slowly coming down and she's beginning to really trust me, which I believe is necessary for her before she can commit. I've talked to a lot of people about it..but I wanted to see what your thoughts are. Think "no contact" was a good idea? Think I'm just being played? -buoy
Mary3 Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 You mean Hook up like sex ? You asked her for sex basically ? She is spacing the dates because she is taking it slow... She has her own good reasons for doing so. Whether or not it was time for you both to be having sex is a personal decision she and you have to make. A relationship involves 2 people. Not *one * doing all the work. Back off and keep it that way. If you find she is missing you and (she needs to put forth more effort.) If she does not miss you then you have really lost nothing. Because you * had * nothing ... I don't advocate playing games but its tiring for you to be doing all the initiating....let her put some effort forward. Otherwise move on to someone who wants to be with you more equally.
lauraandbrats Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 Ive tried txts 4 2 months just got basic txts back eg REALY I NO IS IT MAYB so given up if this girl or boy wants you its time let them txt u
Author buoy Posted January 8, 2006 Author Posted January 8, 2006 Hi Mary3. Hook up means...no longer dating others. Official boyfriend/girlfriend. And yeah, that would include sex, cause I want to be exclusive first. I think she feels the same about that. But sex isn't the point. I'm not pressuring her for it and we're taking it slow physically. I'm interested in all of her, not just the physical stuff. Thanks for your comments.
ciara12step Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 no contact is extremely difficult .. i wanna tear all my hair out . .haha .. but usually when i stop callin or textin, the she starts callin .. what a game huh ! my suggestion is to let them come to u , at all costs, if they dont, its not meant to be, and yea it will hurt like hell , but u might reap rewards if u stay strong
helena abadi Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 you have been trying hard, and it does look as tho it is time to slow down and let her do the walking in your direction. no contact seems hard, but it provides necessary empty space. space is healthy. if you feel the urge to contact her, busy yourself with some other activity, and the urge will pass. if you are doing all the work, it ain't gonna work. she has no incentive to try hard and you will get exhausted and angry in the end.
cygny Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 i don't understand why you think its a problem to just take it slower? why do you have to be exclusive and bf/gf right now, on your timetable? if she's been in committed relationships for most of her time and gotten hurt twice recently, i think its pretty sensible of her to take it slow and see several men before getting in deep with one so soon again. she needs some time to clear out her emotional backlog. be honest, if you were in her shoes, wouldn't you do the same thing?
Author buoy Posted January 8, 2006 Author Posted January 8, 2006 i don't understand why you think its a problem to just take it slower? why do you have to be exclusive and bf/gf right now, on your timetable? if she's been in committed relationships for most of her time and gotten hurt twice recently, i think its pretty sensible of her to take it slow and see several men before getting in deep with one so soon again. she needs some time to clear out her emotional backlog. be honest, if you were in her shoes, wouldn't you do the same thing? You're right, I think. A lot of my frustration comes from *my* expectations about how the timetable should work. But, that timetable has come from past experiences. Maybe it's just simply a completely different situation with her, you know? And some of it is just my needs. I mean, I enjoy her company a lot and I want more of it. It'd be so much easier to play it cool if I didn't have these palpable feelings for her. It's tripped me up for sure.
Author buoy Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 Argh, end of day 4. Who said this was be so difficult? I've got plenty of things to do...
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