First Meetup

[SEASON_WINTER]

I’ve been chatting with an online connection for a few days, and we’re meeting tomorrow. Last evening, we had a call, and he shared his past experiences meeting women from dating apps. He mentioned that some suggested expensive restaurants or inconvenient locations (he doesn’t drive) and that those meetups were often “first and last.” He also said he’s worried this might happen with us too.

For our meetup, I let him choose the location, and he picked a casual local spot near my home (easily accessible by public transport). During our video call, I heard him say, “You get what you see,” which made me feel he’s still affected by those previous encounters.

HI Folks, what do you think about his concerns and how he’s approaching this? How would you handle this kind of situation?

[basil67]

I'm not sure I'd put my bra on for this guy.  Too negative and probably stuck in his ways and views.

Also, if you do the math on car ownership, it's actually cheaper to live without a car and use ubers, cabs and public transport.  So he's saving money by not owning a car and then being unwilling to pay for a driver to take him somewhere out of the way. 

If you do cancel on him and he asks you why, it wouldn't hurt to be honest.  It would at least give him a chance to get his act together

[Maldives]

On 12/5/2024 at 10:38 AM, SEASON_WINTER said:

I’ve been chatting with an online connection for a few days, and we’re meeting tomorrow. Last evening, we had a call, and he shared his past experiences meeting women from dating apps. He mentioned that some suggested expensive restaurants or inconvenient locations (he doesn’t drive) and that those meetups were often “first and last.” He also said he’s worried this might happen with us too.

For our meetup, I let him choose the location, and he picked a casual local spot near my home (easily accessible by public transport). During our video call, I heard him say, “You get what you see,” which made me feel he’s still affected by those previous encounters.

HI Folks, what do you think about his concerns and how he’s approaching this? How would you handle this kind of situation?

I think he is good for stating and setting his boundaries. The way I read it is hey I'm not going to go and fork out big dollars on a first date and rightly so I agree with him. The fact he doesn't know you you are not in a relationship yet it is fair for there to be some mutual effort from both parties not just the guy. I been out once with a date and she ordered over a 100 dollars worth of seafood assured me she was going to pay for hers then walks out the restaurant leaving me with bill. I was turned off and the date went nowhere after that. I think some woman have unrealistic expectations for dating and expect way too much from a man. 

Edited December 6, 2024 by Goodguy05

[Gaeta]

I agree with him on restaurants not being  the place for a first neet up. Because even though we call it a first date it's not, it's just a meeting to break the ice.

He gets points for picking a place close to you.

As for his fatalist comment, he had bad experiences, it happens with online dating. I would not judge him too harsh just yet. Go meet him and see how that goes.

Edited December 6, 2024 by Gaeta

[Sony12]

According to the date she started this thread the meetup should have already happened. Is she going to give an update?

[smackie9]

I know people will use bad dating experiences to break the ice to have something in common, etc. But if I was dating now, I would find this a turn off because I don't care to hear about it. I want to hear about positive things, like interests, passions, travel, family, funny stories, enjoyable things, etc. So instead of approaching things with "I had bad experiences so I suggest this." why not just suggest a place to meet up in budget and by transit without the negative explanation. That's my POV. I would be wary too OP. But hey if you give people the benefit of a doubt, seems a like a pretty harmless endeavor ATM. 

[Georgia46]

I’d go on the date and see how it went as real life interaction is totally different to message and also you can read messages differently to how their meant. 
 

That said… there are some flags in there … he sounds very tight .. he’s not happy to go to a posh restaurant …  and also the driving thing, it’s nice if they can drive or you’ll have to do it all.

[ShyViolet]

On 12/4/2024 at 7:38 PM, SEASON_WINTER said:

Iand that those meetups were often “first and last.” He also said he’s worried this might happen with us too.

This is super weird for a person to say before a first meetup.  It shows that he's either a negative person or has poor judgment since he apparently isn't aware that this comes off as weird and off-putting.  Talking about your negative experiences with dating and saying you are worried it will happen again just isn't the way to talk to someone you are about to meet up with.  I would proceed with caution with this one, or consider just not meeting him at all.

[Alpacalia]

He sound cheap and over cautious. Leave him alone You deserve someone with a positive mindset not someone who always assume stuff without even given a chance.

[fred123]

20 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

I think he is good for stating and setting his boundaries. The way I read it is hey I'm not going to go and fork out big dollars on a first date and rightly so I agree with him. The fact he doesn't know you you are not in a relationship yet it is fair for there to be some mutual effort from both parties not just the guy. I been out once with a date and she ordered over a 100 dollars worth of seafood assured me she was going to pay for hers then walks out the restaurant leaving me with bill. I was turned off and the date went nowhere after that. I think some woman have unrealistic expectations for dating and expect way too much from a man. 

Every girl that is into a guy would be happy with a drink at a bar and would sleep with the guy by the 2nd date. You want a woman  who has high level of interest in you and every woman wants to meet a guy where they want to sleep with him on the first date and vibe well enough with to feel that way

[Gaeta]

10 hours ago, fred123 said:

 every woman wants to meet a guy where they want to sleep with him on the first date 

What? Am l reading this well? 

[Sony12]

20 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

What? Am l reading this well? 

Forgive Fred. He was drinking alone last night.

[Gebidozo]

12 hours ago, fred123 said:

Every girl that is into a guy would be happy with a drink at a bar and would sleep with the guy by the 2nd date.

What? That’s a rather offensive generalization, dude. Women are different. Some women would sleep with a guy they like instantly, others might prefer to delay it for months. Everyone has their own way of doing these things.

[SEASON_WINTER]

In the past 10 days, I met a guy three times, and I’d like to share how things went:

First Meetup: We had a casual dinner (paid separately), visited a sports store, and ended with ice cream. I noticed he had neck pain, and he jokingly asked for a massage, which I gave for a few minutes. He held my hand and moved closer, but I backed off a bit. During our chat, he asked about my online dating experiences, and I mentioned how some men were too impatient. Before we parted, he joked, "Maybe this is the first and last meetup." The next day, he proposed several options for our next meeting.

Second Meetup: We watched a movie (he tried to hold my hand, but I moved away playfully). Afterward, we had dinner and walked to the beach. He asked for another neck massage, and I gave him a short one. He also invited me to a casual dining place near his home for the third meetup.

Third Meetup: We had dinner and dessert (I paid for dessert). He shared about his son and work, then asked about my divorce. I shared my story and asked about his, and he opened up despite initially saying he didn’t want to discuss bitter experiences (that was before 1st meet up).

Before my 10-day solo trip, he teased me about meeting local guys and wished me a safe flight. While traveling, I sent him a festive greeting, and he replied playfully, asking if I’d met any “local hunks.” However, he didn’t ask much about my travel experience. He does not travel much on personal basis. Does that mean he is not interested in knowing my life? In fact, I am quite a private person and he did comment that I am mysterious. I personally know i need to know the person longer before I open up and share.

One awkward moment after the third meetup was when he asked if I was in menopause. I told him I felt uncomfortable, and he apologized multiple times, eventually addressing it in person the next day over phone.

So far, I feel some chemistry, but I’m observing how he handles sensitive topics and whether he’s emotionally caring.  

 

[Marka]

7 hours ago, SEASON_WINTER said:

One awkward moment after the third meetup was when he asked if I was in menopause. I told him I felt uncomfortable, and he apologized multiple times, eventually addressing it in person the next day over phone.

I would be so turned off by this question! who asks this???

Edited December 21, 2024 by Marka

[Gaeta]

He only sounds interested in sex.

I would have hated a 1st or 2nd date asking me for a neck massage. The menopause question is really innapropriate, l also think it's a sex related question. 

[Trail Blazer]

He sounds strange.  What sort of dude doesn't drive?  Time to hand in your man-card, pal!

He's asked weird questions, appears somewhat insecure.  Something is off.

If there is chemistry there, then I suppose there's no harm in exploring where it leads.

For mine, I just don't think he sounds like a good catch on paper.

As for not travelling, did it occur to you that maybe he doesn't have a lot of money?

He doesn't drive, doesn't travel, has a kid with another woman (no issue there), he most like doesn't have any disposable income.

Only you can decide whether to proceed from here.  I say, if you do, proceed with some caution.

[basil67]

40 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

He sounds strange.  What sort of dude doesn't drive?  

You make some very good points, but in answer to this question, any man who is medically excluded from driving.   Or if there is excellent public transport.  Or if you live somewhere where owning a car isn’t practical - such as NYC

[SEASON_WINTER]

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

He sounds strange.  What sort of dude doesn't drive?  Time to hand in your man-card, pal!

He's asked weird questions, appears somewhat insecure.  Something is off.

If there is chemistry there, then I suppose there's no harm in exploring where it leads.

For mine, I just don't think he sounds like a good catch on paper.

As for not travelling, did it occur to you that maybe he doesn't have a lot of money?

He doesn't drive, doesn't travel, has a kid with another woman (no issue there), he most like doesn't have any disposable income.

Only you can decide whether to proceed from here.  I say, if you do, proceed with some caution.

Owning a car in our country is very expensive—about 4 to 5 times the cost compared to the USA. Thankfully, we have an excellent public transportation network, and using ride-hailing apps like Grab is very convenient.

I asked him why he doesn’t like traveling, and he shared that a severe turbulence experience left him hesitant to fly. When I showed him photos of my ziplining activity, he immediately asked how high it was, adding that he doesn’t like heights. He also shared that he has two sons (14 and 18 years old) who stay with his ex-wife. I’ve observed that he has tight finances, maybe partly because he supports his elderly parents as well.

[SEASON_WINTER]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

He only sounds interested in sex.

I would have hated a 1st or 2nd date asking me for a neck massage. The menopause question is really innapropriate, l also think it's a sex related question. 

My first takeaway from this interaction was that it was sex-related. Before asking the question, he posted, "Can I ask you something? You won’t scold me... haha." I replied, "What do you want to ask me?" Then he raised the question.

When I asked why he brought it up, he insisted it was out of curiosity. I explained some reasons behind his question, hoping to understand his perspective. Guess what his next reply was? "I wouldn’t ask the younger ladies.".. i even commented "you go around asking this question....." as we are on phone line, i could not see his expression.

I told him that I have close male friends who have never asked me such a question. I wanted to make a point to him that i felt uncomfortable with this question.

He kept apologizing for asking this insensitive question. I let the matter rest.

[Trail Blazer]

47 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You make some very good points, but in answer to this question, any man who is medically excluded from driving.   Or if there is excellent public transport.  Or if you live somewhere where owning a car isn’t practical - such as NYC

It's hard to fathom anyone not driving, not least a man.  Growing up in semi-rural Idaho, learning to drive my uncle's truck at 13-years-old on his farm, it boggles my mind that people live in cities and even countries where driving is a luxury, or at least not a necessity.

You do make good points about why someone may not drive.  What I will point out, however, is that if it were all too common in the place where OP lives, then mentioning not driving in the context it was said, in mind led me to infer a dichotomy between men who don't drive and the reality on the ground.

[Trail Blazer]

24 minutes ago, SEASON_WINTER said:

Owning a car in our country is very expensive—about 4 to 5 times the cost compared to the USA. Thankfully, we have an excellent public transportation network, and using ride-hailing apps like Grab is very convenient.

I asked him why he doesn’t like traveling, and he shared that a severe turbulence experience left him hesitant to fly. When I showed him photos of my ziplining activity, he immediately asked how high it was, adding that he doesn’t like heights. He also shared that he has two sons (14 and 18 years old) who stay with his ex-wife. I’ve observed that he has tight finances, maybe partly because he supports his elderly parents as well.

Look, I try hard not be the "toxic masculine" person who judges and picks faults in other men, but I've got to say, this guy does exhibit traits that show him to be a contradiction of the prevailing narrative of what being a man is supppsed to look like.

Perhaps he doesn't drive for reasons.  Perhaps he doesn’t like flying for reasons.  Perhaps he  has anxiety or the like, because reasons.  Everything can be justified, until the sum of the parts contribute to whole that, on paper, is wholly inadequate.

What sort of man are you attracted to?  Is this guy actually somewhat effeminate?  Or, am I reading it all wrong?  Because, I am reading some red flags, but what I do not know is the redeeming qualities that you see.  What are those qualities that's kept you engaged thus far?

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, SEASON_WINTER said:

He kept apologizing for asking this insensitive question. I let the matter rest.

We're talking about a mature man here. A man that should have a solid grasp on what is an appropriate question and what is not. 

I have learned in my years of dating that when men ask these innapropriate questions early they know they're taking a risk of turning you off and they're ok with you blocking them. They will just be on to next. 

My question to you is: why do you brush all this off? The neck massage you were not too comfortable with, his hand grabbing you were not comfortable with, the innapropriate menopause question, his passive-agressive remarks about meeting local men.  I mean, how many more innapropriate things it will take for you to send this guy back in the pound?

[SEASON_WINTER]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

We're talking about a mature man here. A man that should have a solid grasp on what is an appropriate question and what is not. 

I have learned in my years of dating that when men ask these innapropriate questions early they know they're taking a risk of turning you off and they're ok with you blocking them. They will just be on to next. 

My question to you is: why do you brush all this off? The neck massage you were not too comfortable with, his hand grabbing you were not comfortable with, the innapropriate menopause question, his passive-agressive remarks about meeting local men.  I mean, how many more innapropriate things it will take for you to send this guy back in the pound?

met a number of men this year, but this guy seems to be the most comfortable to hang out with, and I do feel something for him. I’m okay with the neck massages, especially after learning about his slipped disc, as it feels more like a caring gesture. However, holding hands on the second date felt too fast for me, and I wasn’t ready for it. The one thing that really disturbed me was when he asked about menopause—it felt inappropriate and out of place. While I appreciate some aspects of our connection, I’m still processing how I feel about everything. 

As for the menopause question, I had a conversation with him over the phone. I expressed my thoughts to him very clearly. 

 

[SEASON_WINTER]

5 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Look, I try hard not be the "toxic masculine" person who judges and picks faults in other men, but I've got to say, this guy does exhibit traits that show him to be a contradiction of the prevailing narrative of what being a man is supppsed to look like.

Perhaps he doesn't drive for reasons.  Perhaps he doesn’t like flying for reasons.  Perhaps he  has anxiety or the like, because reasons.  Everything can be justified, until the sum of the parts contribute to whole that, on paper, is wholly inadequate.

What sort of man are you attracted to?  Is this guy actually somewhat effeminate?  Or, am I reading it all wrong?  Because, I am reading some red flags, but what I do not know is the redeeming qualities that you see.  What are those qualities that's kept you engaged thus far?

No problem at all. I appreciate your thoughts and response.

I've met men of various calibers and qualities, and I’ve learned to trust my feelings as a guide in relationships. Comfort has become my key indicator of compatibility. With this particular man, I’ve gone out with him three times, and I’ve felt at ease throughout. In contrast, previous experiences where I felt pressure right from the first date made it difficult for me to continue. Feeling comfortable and natural with someone over time seems to be a better foundation for connection. 

Still processing.....