Mixed messages from husband - post separation

[batfink]

My husband and I separated six months ago. After the initial anger and arguments, we talked. Not for long but enough for us to realise this was all over some misunderstanding. I felt it was a waste to throw away a 17 year marriage and said I wanted to stop the divorce plans. However he had been busy telling his family and friends how awful I am and they helped him to get a new place to live. 
I’m now moving into my own place and want him to come with me. Despite him having the new place, he’s stayed with me during the week every week. We share the same bed and have been intimate over this time. He lets me cuddle him in the night and doesn’t fight off any affection although I do get some awkward vibes sometimes. Yet he still says ‘love you’ when he’s going out like he used to and we still go out in the day to shop and hang out together if we’re off work. One night I told him how I feel and said I’ll always be waiting for him if he should change his mind. He said he loved me but also said we are separating because it’s gone too far now and that’s what everyone is expecting of him. I guess it’s come down to asking, will he stand up for what he wants or will he go along with the plan his family already have for him. I posted years ago talking about how he comes from an enmeshed family.

i just wish he would stand up for his marriage and I wonder if I’m just being used until he finds someone else. Or maybe I should stop pushing for answers and just see what happens. Yet at the same time i want to protect myself from any hurt that could come my way if he does find someone else. Neither of us have yet even applied for separation.

I heard him talking to family members on the phone a couple of times (I was in the same room) one time he was asked ‘when are you leaving permanently’ and another time he said how lonely he gets living alone and he was told he ‘would get used to it’ and ‘go out and meet people’. This really hurts that everyone is guiding him away from his marriage and worse is that I have always felt there is some competition between me as his wife and his family. They were always battling for his company and I don’t think they ever really liked me.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, batfink said:

I wonder if I’m just being used until he finds someone else.

I’m sorry, but it looks like it.

He doesn’t want to get back together, he says himself that “this has gone too far”. The family thing is just a lame excuse. He has made up his mind. But everyone feels lonely after breakup, so he is arranging the transitional period in such a way that his pain is soothed and lessened.

His, but not yours. He doesn’t care that he makes you suffer when he uses you as his painkiller. That alone is reason enough to cut off all contact with him.

[batfink]

Sadly I think you’re right. I need to accept it and move on instead of keeping myself in this limbo

[ExpatInItaly]

18 hours ago, batfink said:

this was all over some misunderstanding

What exactly was this misunderstanding? 

[Mrin]

On 12/4/2024 at 1:08 PM, batfink said:

i just wish he would stand up for his marriage and I wonder if I’m just being used until he finds someone else

Dude here.

What does he need to stand up for? What has really changed in the day-to-day? You live together. You sleep together. You have sex. You go out together. What exactly has changed in reality? In theory, he no longer feels tied to you nor owes you any level of attention other than what we wants to give. Addditinally he can play the game of the possibility in his head. 

He isn't going to stand up and fight for anything until he's lost it. So lose it for him. Remove yourself. Don't make yourself available to him. Be scarce. If it turns out he values his relationship with you then he'll fight to save it. If he doesn't, well, that sucks but it also means he doesn't value your marriage so why would you want to stay married to someone like that.

Edited December 6, 2024 by Mrin

[batfink]

Thank you for the insight, this makes so much sense. He probably feels he has the best of both worlds right now and I need to respect myself and not be like some desperate cling-on. When he really experiences separation it’s then that it’ll hit him and hopefully make him think about it. Then if he decides he’s happier without me and doesn’t value the marriage the way I do, then I know I’m better off without him. Thank you for helping me see this. 

[stillafool]

I agree he's using you as a placeholder until he finds another woman he wants to be with.  My suggestion is to pull back, stop asking him to move in with you and continue doing your own thing.  He will make his feelings known.