lindya Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 I started calling him on his threats. He says there not threats. I said promises, whatever.. he says they aren't, it's a fact of life. I can either accept things his way, or there's the door. That I need to understand that he is working hard for this relationship and if I can't see he loves me with what he does for me then that's my problem. And if I can't attempt to make his time at home more enjoyable, then he'll find someone who can. I wonder who it is he's trying to be when he says these things to you. This whole "Take me or leave me, there's the door babe" bravado you describe conjures up visions of a pretty insecure guy playing to an imaginary audience of friends who are nodding their head in approval. "You tell her, mate!" When someone is constantly feeding off, and getting a false sense of power from, your most painful emotions, then you need to get out. This seems to be tearing you apart, and whether you split up with him for good or whether you end up going back to him, right now I think you'd be well served to take a proper period of time and space away from this guy in order to collect your thoughts and composure....and, of course, to protect your emotional wellbeing.
clandestinidad Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Walk, you obviously love him on many levels, but here's the thing: He does not love you, nor anyone else but himself, is not capable of it, and never will. He has huge emotional/mental issues and will never acknowledge it. He will go through life beating people down into misery. He cannot love, and he does not love you (i'm sorry) no matter what you do. Just remember that all of those other women left too, for the exact same reasons (despite what he, the narcissist god, says about it) So, theres no reason to question whether or not you love him. Right now you need to focus on getting out and saving yourself so that you can rise above all this and be the butterfly youre intended to be
Lishy Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Walk ...... Go back to Dr Irene's site and read the stories about leaving a narcissist! It will help you so much ..... It kept me sane!
witabix Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Sorry to see you are back in the storm Walk. You must do what feels right, find your own equilibrium. Think of yourself and your own happiness. You will find some one else if that is what you want. If you decide, jointly or together, its over, remember, there is no need to take or apportion blame. You tried, that is sufficient. Think only of yourself, and let him do the same. He is an adult. You are in my thoughts, I do hope you are ok now, I know you will be ok in the future. Walk, find peace, be happy, be all that you want to be.
Becoming Posted January 23, 2006 Posted January 23, 2006 Walk, you gave it your best shot. You stayed to give it one more try, to see if it was really just you, and it isn't, is it? This guy is like a powerful drug to a junkie. So leave ASAP and instead of leaving him a note, why don't you leave him a printout of this thread with these simple words, "I finally wised up and am gone. Please don't try to contact me. As you said, if I ever leave, it's over. Well, I've left, and it's over. Thanks for the good times. Please forgive me for any times I've hurt you. I did my best love you, but my best is just not good enough for you." {don't print this post out! :D } Keep reading and rereading these posts because you got some really good advice here. You seem like a loving person who deserves to be loved back, not made a sex slave. You will break this addiction with time. Check into whether or not your school has free counseling, OK?
Outcast Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Keep reading and rereading these posts because you got some really good advice here. Especially please print out and read your own posts. You should NOT have to live that way. Quit making allowances for all his problems and forgiving him. What he does to you is way beyond what a loving partner with simple problems would do to someone. I'm praying you have the strength not to fold, this time. Listen to yourself today and how often you've been unhappy. AND EVEN IF HE TELLS YOU HE LOVES YOU, DO NOT LISTEN!!! Talk is cheap, Walk. Men who beat women to bloody pulps swear they love the women. It's not about love but about the fact that he is incapable of being a good partner - issues, work, stress or no.
Mary3 Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Glad you are finally leaving this man. But if you stayed you might have a conversation like this : Him : " You are really worthless " You : " Listen you piece of human garbage , YOU are the total definition of worthless " Him : Why don't you rub my back as you grab me a beer and then fluff my pillow and hey grab the remote , my game is on. HURRY ! " You : Listen you lazy slob get it yourself " Him : " You just don't know how to please me, you dont stroke me how I like, you don't lick me where I like , you just suck and I want a new girlfriend " You :" Listen fart boy, nobody including ME wants to have sex with you , so go hire a hooker " Meaning give it back to him. Or remember it this way . Treat others EXACTLY as they treat you. If they treat you good, give it back to them. If they treat you bad , treat them the same. I know none of us here really follow that advice but I do follow the advice of basic rules . If someone does not call me then I dont call them back. If someone does not care about me ,then I dont care about them either. Its all give and take equally...
Author Walk Posted January 24, 2006 Author Posted January 24, 2006 Mary3, I understand your advice, and I think in some circumstances it can be used to get a point across to someone who beligerantly thinks their behavior is okay. But I think it's important not to let another person bring you down to that level. Besides, I did try it out of frustration, and it only made matters worse. He insists he doesn't ask me to do anything for him, and my getting him coffee, etc, he says is because I want to do those things. However, he says he'd be perfectly happy if I didn't. So he doesn't "appreciate" them because they aren't what he's asked me to do for him. However, if I don't do those things, then he makes jokes/comments about it. I think that's wrong, to do that. If I honestly don't care if someone buys me.. uh... say a flower. If I don't care, I'm not going to bring up the fact that he didn't get me a flower later. If I don't care, then I don't care. Not say I don't care, and then make comments about how he's killing me cause he didn't buy me a flower this week. He buys me cigarettes every week. (I NEVER asked, and have stated on numerous occasions that this is something I do not care if he does for me or not.) I like that he does this, and it helps me financially. However, if he doesn't bring me cigarettes, I don't say a single thing. I don't remind him he didn't get them for me. I don't say anything. If he brings them, I try to thank him for it. That's the extent. It's not important to me that he bring cigarettes. Then he uses buying cigarettes as an example of all the things he does for me. How much he loves me. He didn't buy me any this week. I didn't say anything about it. Why am I wasting so much time thinking on this? This is stupid. I can't friggin' concentrate on anything. He texts me last night with some bs saying I can turn off my ready link since we have nothing to say to each other. I know him well enough to know he thinks texting me is supposed to show he's thinking of me, and to prove how much he loves me, or some bs like that. Whatever.. I'm tired and I have a stupid box project I have to do today. The one we got in an argument over. And now I haven't done anything about it because I've been so damn upset this weekend. I'm so glad (sarcasm) that he made sure to argue with me for 3 hours about how f***ed up my view on the world is so that I can obsess over this retarded relationship instead of doing the projects I have to do to pass these retarded classes and get my degree!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AZZHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll print that out for him and shove it up his azz. You think that'll work?
littlekitty Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 I'll print that out for him and shove it up his azz. You think that'll work? He'd probably choke on it... What you mean he doesn't speak out of his arse? That's strange 'cos it sounds like he does to me!! Keep your head up Walk, you can get through this, and the outcome will be a brighter and happier life. 1
Outcast Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 You will never get your education if you spend your life upset over being mistreated. Stick to your resolve and get out for your own sake, Walk. I see you, again, talking about what 'he says' but his actions are NOT loving. Whoop de doo he buys you cigarettes! It's not enough!!!! Forget what he says - if he loved you he wouldn't be a constant source of unhappiness to you. Look, Walk. Love feels good. Loving someone feels good. It's not about being miserable much of the time and having the occasional nice time with someone else. It's supposed to be about having a good time with someone almost all the time with very occasional bad times.
lilmoma1973 Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Walk if you need someone to talk with you can pm anytime!! Hugs to you for what you are going through.. Take heed what all the posters are saying it..
Mary3 Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 I have offered alot of advice because I truly care about you. ( Isn't it amazing how many posters here really DO care about you and want you to be happy ? ) I stand by once again by the following observations. YOU need to leave. Once you leave your head WILL clear ( I promise ) You have a very verbally cruel abusive boyfriend who derives pure pleasure in destroying your self worth and esteem. He is emotionally abusing you. Why ? Because something went very wrong with him when he was a developing child and his idea of give and take mixed with lots of cruel behavior is his idea of " I am doing you a favor and dont you forget it, I will give you love ( weak ) when I am in the mood. Don't take more than what I can give and I am never satisfied with you so dammit don't try to think you can please me " I hope you know that we all really care. Some of us were in abusive relationships. He does not have to slam your head against the wall for this to be abuse. He just needs to slam you into the ground by mind fvuking until you wonder about who you are and why you feel so helpless. He has punched you in the stomach numerous times with his words. Like we all said . We will be here for you. Hope you can get to a computer @
Lonestar Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Read the book "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick J. Carnes. It's based on traumatic bonding. I finished reading it a few days ago and it opened my eyes to so many things, especially why people remain so loyal to those that have hurt and abused them. It explains why you go back and why the sex is so good. I HIGHLY recommend this book to everyone around here who is hooked on someone that is toxic to them. I've been in a funk for a couple days while digesting the information I read. There were so many things that are hard to face, but now I look back at my relationship with my ex, and can see the reasons why I thought I still loved him. I can also now fend off those pesty feelings of still wanting him, when I had a very difficult time getting through them in the past. Read it.
Author Walk Posted January 24, 2006 Author Posted January 24, 2006 He'd probably choke on it... What you mean he doesn't speak out of his arse? That's strange 'cos it sounds like he does to me!! I just got a mental image from that. HA ha ha ha!
Author Walk Posted January 24, 2006 Author Posted January 24, 2006 Read the book "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick J. Carnes. It's based on traumatic bonding. I finished reading it a few days ago and it opened my eyes to so many things, especially why people remain so loyal to those that have hurt and abused them. It explains why you go back and why the sex is so good. I HIGHLY recommend this book to everyone around here who is hooked on someone that is toxic to them. I've been in a funk for a couple days while digesting the information I read. There were so many things that are hard to face, but now I look back at my relationship with my ex, and can see the reasons why I thought I still loved him. I can also now fend off those pesty feelings of still wanting him, when I had a very difficult time getting through them in the past. Read it. Thank you. I will. Is this book still available in a chain bookstore do you think? Or something I'd have to order?
Mary3 Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Lonestar can you give a few things you learned here from the book ? I would love to go buy it and I will try on my days off. But can you give us a sample of the advice the book says ? Thanks
lilmoma1973 Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Walk we aren't in your shoes and don't know what you are feeling only you can make that decision what is best for you !! Hugs:) Just know that we are here for you no matter what you do.. 1
Becoming Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Something inside you knows the way he treats you is not right. That's why you come here. Something else inside you condemns you for feeling this way. "If only I was better, . . . blah blah blah." This is some kind of lie based on crap you've embodied from past abusive behavior from someone. And it's a LIE. Don't listen to that part of you. Yeah, so you've made some mistakes. Who on the planet hasn't? Listen to the part that wants good for you over against the part that doesn't believe you deserve it. Follow the good. Get that degree you've always wanted. Talk to your profs and let them know what's going on with you--not to offer any excuses but just to give them a heads-up and to let them know you're wanting to do your best under extreme circumstances. Profs are screwed up people, too, and many (not all!) will help you. Let them and everyone else who can by telling them what's going on with you. Good luck on the move. Get out before he comes home early again because he probably will. Don't talk to him; your good part's not strong enough to resist believing his lies. 1
Lonestar Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Thank you. I will. Is this book still available in a chain bookstore do you think? Or something I'd have to order? You can get it from Amazon. I picked up the last copy in my local barnes & noble, so call around. As far as I know it's the only book of it's kind on trauma bonding and I was amazed with it. 1
Lonestar Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Lonestar can you give a few things you learned here from the book ? I would love to go buy it and I will try on my days off. But can you give us a sample of the advice the book says ? Thanks I posted on this a couple weeks back. here's the link... and also read the reviews at amazon http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t79200/?highlight=bonding
Becoming Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 That was a wonderful post, LoneS. Extremely helpful. Thanks (if I didn't say this before)
Lonestar Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 That was a wonderful post, LoneS. Extremely helpful. Thanks (if I didn't say this before) You're welcome. I'm here to help with what little useful advice I might have
Author Walk Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 Help... He came home today. What do I do? I'm so lost. I'm so exhausted. I don't want to think anymore. I don't know what to do. I'm tired. I don't want to go to my brothers. I don't want to stay here. I don't want to move. What if he'd walked in while i was trying to get stuff out? I don't want to just slink away. I don't want to be that slimy. And I don't want to confront him. and I don't want to tell my brother I'm not coming, but I don't want to go. I feel like I'm breaking in two. I'm so tired.
Becoming Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 I figured, but not this early. Geez. You're sinking, huh? Sometimes we just get so tired in all the inner turmoil that we want to go with the flow, have someone rescue us. But the only one who can is you. Humor me, here; it relates: We took a bunch of teens one time to a water park. One of the rides was pretty rough tube ride kinda like a water slide. One girl got all tumbled over, tangled in her tube, while still being taken downstream. She's screaming, "I'm drowning! I'm drowning!" I'm laughing (compassionate soul that I am) because all she had to do was stand up; she was only in two feet of water. It feels like you're drowning, but in fact, you just need to stand up. You're tired from wrangling around in all this inner turmoil, yet life continues to flow and it's all overwhelming. But you're going to have to just stand up for yourself and what YOU want. There's some kind of inner turmoil going on inside you that makes you not want to do that. Like you're not worth it or something. But you also know you are. You' know you're gonna have to speak up for yourself, don't you? It's probably really not as scary as you've made it all out in your mind to be. It's gonna take some time and energy to confront him, but things will calm down and you can get back on your feet when you do stand up and confront him and live up to your name. Arise and walk!
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 I'm not sure I know anything anymore.... Define love? All I know is, love shouldn't hurt like it's hurting you. Love is respect and trust. Love is happiness and enjoying eachother. Sadly Walk, I don't see you happy with him. He may make your heart sing at times and make you feel good too, but it seems most of the time he makes you sad...And mad... IS he worth it? No, I don't think so. Figure out what YOU want and what is best for you. Not him. Help... He came home today. What do I do? I'm so lost. I'm so exhausted. I don't want to think anymore. I don't know what to do. I'm tired. I don't want to go to my brothers. I don't want to stay here. I don't want to move. What if he'd walked in while i was trying to get stuff out? I don't want to just slink away. I don't want to be that slimy. And I don't want to confront him. and I don't want to tell my brother I'm not coming, but I don't want to go. I feel like I'm breaking in two. I'm so tired. You aren't slimey at all! He has made this situation UNBEARABLE and none of it is your fault. He has so many traits of being a Narcissist. It's scary. Go to sleep. See how you feel tomorrow. Just shut off everything and try to get some rest.
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