Lishy Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 Walk please just leave even if only for a few weeks to you can see things more clearly! There is no point in diagnosing every little thing - You can blame and change yourself as much as you want but it wont change a single thing - The problem is with HIM and not you baby! Until he decides to acknowledge this then nothing will change!
Author Walk Posted January 12, 2006 Author Posted January 12, 2006 But it's all or nothing... If I leave, done. No going back. Not because he says so, but because I say so. I don't want to play the "second chance" game. A) I can't do that to my family. They're the ones that will have to take my pathetic azz in. And if I'm constantly abusing that ever couple weeks, or months, they're going to get tired of it. B) Once I walk out the door and am gone, I am NEVER going back. I did that with my ex and wasted years of my life, and made horrible decisions, because of that. I don't want to make those same horrible mistakes. I don't want to impose on my brother today and say I need a place, if I'm going to crumble tomorrow. I've got some hard questions for the bf (or soon to be ex) and if he says what I think he will, then I'm gone. I know he won't say "what I want to hear". Which is sad, and yet it will crack this image I have for good. I've got class... I gotta go. Thanks for the additional comments. He's been gone since Sunday night... So I have had all week to "reflect" and think. Along with the stress of starting classes, getting books, and the Dr's office calling to ask me if I've gotten the addtional tests done for breast cancer... I don't have insurance, I don't have any income, I don't have any way to pay for any of that... I don't even know how to apply for medicaid, and I can't make heads or tails of their damn website. And where's my bf??????? He's pissed cause he turned me down for sex!!! Great f***ing guy. So caring and concerned for my well being. Tell you... I'm pissed today. My back hurts like hell where I broke it, and I'm carrying around 20lbs of books all day. awesome. just freakin' awesome. AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! mad.
Author Walk Posted January 12, 2006 Author Posted January 12, 2006 I just want to vent a little.. You don't need to read this, or reply... Just frustrated right now. Plus, maybe when I'm feeling like, hey I made a bad decision, I want him back, I can look at this and remind myself of how it really is/was.... It's my first week of classes at a major university. I'm 31, and I have dreamed of this since I was a little kid.... Always wanted to be a lawyer.. always. Just never thought I was smart enough, I thought only geniuses were lawyers. ha. First he wouldn't reply to my text messages... Then when he does it's all about how perfect he is, how great he is, how he can have any woman he wants and treats those he cares about like Gold. He's pissed off that I went to the coffee shop while he was sleeping and god forbid ran into someone I knew there. I wasn't hiding anything, I wasn't purposefully going to meet the guy. I just wanted out of the house for a few hours, 'cause my bf is broke and he won't let me pay for anything, even if I'm dying to go out. wake to find you hanging out at the coffee shop with another man. On my one f***ing day off! Brings up all kinds of stuff from the past, that we've talked about over and over and over... and I've apologized for in a hundred different ways. Using my discomfort over a sexual act as though I was purposefully manipulating him, or denying him. Even though I busted azz to overcome those repressions. Turns the whole thing around so that now I'm accusing him that everything is his fault. Then tries to guilt me with "you'd be better off without me." Last text I get is yesterday afternoon, asking if there's anything else "other then the aforementioned 'I'm a mental case, who causes all the bad things that happen to me in my life'" I continue to wish him a good day, continue to wish him a good night, and hope that he is able to sleep well. I still reassure him that I do have feelings for him, but am very upset right now........ What's he do? To me, he might as well have accused me of screwing another man while he was sleeping. Otherwise, I can't understand why he would get so upset about that. He's demanding that I subjugate myself at his feet. Sit at home while he sleeps, so that I'm available on command. Not talk to anyone I see while I'm out. Forget about my interests and hobbies while he's home. Ignores my text messages, won't call me, WON'T express any love or wishes toward my well being... Put me in a position where I have absolutely no money coming in, and just up's and leaves so that I'm broke and had to ask my mommy and daddy for money yesterday. How humiliating!!!!!!!!!!!! Something I had sworn, SWORN, I would NEVER do again!!!!!!! And he knew this, when I met him. He knew how I felt about borrowing money off my parents.. Yet he puts me into the same damn situation that he is claiming he isn't, because he "wouldn't ever take advantage of me". Not to mention new years eve... and the crap he pulled about me playing with the cat. How he made some comment about how he had to shave his head so that he would be "unattractive" to women, and that way wouldn't be "tempted". How if he wasn't getting his sexual needs filled here, he would go else where to get them filled. How he threatened me with finding another woman who would fill his needs. That he could call any one of several dozen women who would be more then eager to do what I couldn't. Then turn around and say he isn't just looking for a hole! Like I'm supposed to believe that? Not to mention how I'd get up with him in the middle of the night when he had to go to work and make him coffee, and lunches and get his stuff together.. Re-fill his coffee cup so that he didn't have to get up. Set his clothes out because I knew he'd had a long day, and would want a shower and his pj's. Do his laundry, clean the house, take care of his cat. I've driven to Detroit on a moments notice, skipping my classes, to pick him up because he hurt his back. Driven to Indiana so that I could give him a ride home. No hassles, no "i'll do it later". I did it right then! Dropped everything for that sorry son of a bytch, and done whatever he needed. Run errands for him all the time... Contact him back immediately every time. Tell him where I'm going and what times.. just so he won't have to worry about me while he's on the road. I don't go out, I don't talk to any guys unless I see them when I'm out, and I don't flirt, I don't talk about my personal life, I don't even sit anywhere close to them! All so he can accuse me of something I wasn't doing! Then turning the whole thing around and making it sound as if I'm the bad person, and that I insulted him, and that he thinks I called him a mental case. I never did. I should've, but I never did. I just told him he needs to re-evaluate the situation, and figure out why all of his ex's are accused of the exact same thing! And my whole body hurts. Ok.. done complaining... *sigh*
Author Walk Posted January 12, 2006 Author Posted January 12, 2006 Emailed my bro for a place to stay. Probably won't hear back until tomorrow, or late tonight. He's offered before, so I don't think it'll be a big deal. I'm not terribly thrilled about staying there... but I'll survive. 6 people - 1 bathroom. no lock. eek!
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 Then when he does it's all about how perfect he is, how great he is, how he can have any woman he wants and treats those he cares about like Gold. Quite apart from the enormous ego, what does this say about how he feels about you?
Lishy Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 Emailed my bro for a place to stay. Probably won't hear back until tomorrow, or late tonight. He's offered before, so I don't think it'll be a big deal. I'm not terribly thrilled about staying there... but I'll survive. 6 people - 1 bathroom. no lock. eek! Wow I think the real Walk is coming back!!!!!!!!!!!! Yayyyyyyyy You go girl - get that anger out and remember baby YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Going to your bro's will be much easier than living with Mr Angry baby!!!!!!!!!!!
noclobber Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 How he made some comment about how he had to shave his head so that he would be "unattractive" to women, and that way wouldn't be "tempted". is your boyfriend a Brad Pitt look alike or Adonis re-incarnate????????? seriously he is a nut case!
blind_otter Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 is your boyfriend a Brad Pitt look alike or Adonis re-incarnate????????? seriously he is a nut case! Maybe he's a Hassidic Jewish woman. Have fun at your brother's house. Hey, think of it this way. At least you haven't had so many exhaustively horrible relationships that no one will take you in anymore. Like some of us.
clandestinidad Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 But he is saying I am the one who is self centered, and selfish, that my view exludes those around me. That I lack empathy, and am unable to see his side of things. What if what he's saying is right? What if all you are getting is my side, and therefore he sounds selfish and self-centered, because I am viewing his actions in a narrow scope that only includes my wants and desires? From one of my posts: At this point, if you're like me, you sort of panic and want to talk to anyone who will listen about what is going on: this is a healthy reaction; it's a reality check ("who's the crazy one here?"); that you're confused by the narcissist's contrariness, that you turn to another person to help you keep your bearings, that you know something is seriously wrong and worry that it might be you are all signs that you are not a narcissist Since you are wondering if what he says is correct, that you are ___ and ___, and youre looking inward to correct the problems in your relationship....besides the fact that you have proven your efforts very unselfishly....means that you are NOT narcissistic. Also, look at what youve been doing for him. You sacrifice everything. You put all of your efforts and energy into doing everything that you can to please him (being his 'servant' and sex slave...based on all of his stipulations). You are the farthest person from selfish that I have ever seen! Now, I realize you will probably respond with, "but youre only getting one side of the story...what if I really DO things that make me horribly selfish?" Well, the fact that youre worried about means that youre not. Selfish people dont care if theyre selfish. They keep going on without noticing. Now, of course we all have selfish moments. Such as when we want this or that, or to be cuddled or listened to.....but those really arent selfish in a bad sense of the word. They are needs that should be met. If one person wanted all of their needs met, without satisfying our SO's needs too, then hell yeah thats selfish......but you are not doing that. You break your back trying to satisfy him. He is selfish. He's more than just selfish, somethings wrong w/ him, but I think we've talked enough about that right now. If this doesnt make sense or you have questions go ahead, I'm here......and I'm going to keep reading this thread, b/c I only got that far for now
clandestinidad Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 It more like he puts more restrictions on what he felt first, then add this aspect, then add this aspect, until I feel backed into a wall. He does this to keep control and play with you. So that no matter what you do, it will be wrong or not good enough. He gets a kick out of this. Think about it....when you request something from someone, and they give it to you, then you arent the one in control anymore. Then that other person has more power b/c they were the 'nice' one. Sick, huh. I've noticed his is stablized by emotional/moral support usually. And he hasn't responded with a "power" move. In normal circumstances, he becomes more touchy feely, more affectionate... wants to do stuff for me. etc. No sudden power moves, or using me. From your posts, I got the impression that he probably vents to you about things, and when you pet the cat or dont listen very well, he gets pi$$ed b/c he is god and should have all of your attention....and if you dont listen attentively and lift him up by telling him how wonderful (or whatever else) he is, then he gets really upset. And yes, he has responded with power moves. The times you said you love him and he didnt say anything back, all of the confusing hoop jumping he puts you through, talking you down/into a corner, the time you went to the bar (?) and spent some time w/ his brother and he was asleep, etc etc. The power moves dont necessarily occur RIGHT then, but can occur whenever. The info I quoted before was just saying that when the narcissist knows that you rely on them, they respond w/ power moves. Also, you mentioned "normal circumstances" when he responds with affection and what-not....how often does that occur?! And is it after youve listened attentively and praised him to make him feel better??? Does he do it any other time? Does he ever come home and hug you? Sit on the couch and cuddle you? If so, how long afterwards does he become that a**h***? I've suggested he take a hard look at his past, and find out why all of his gf supposedly do the exact same thing to him, over and over. And he either needs to pick a different type of woman, or it's him. In which case, he's actually come back more subdued. Not attacking. More of a guilt tatic though, or self pity aspect This seems like withdrawing to me. Sounds like his perfect image that he thinks/wants about himself was tarnished and he reacted by pouting/guilt-tripping and wanted to be praised/lifted up to feel better....the re-establishment of his gloriousness. "They will say you are nothing, worthless, and turn around immediately and say that they love you. It doesnt mean that they say those words exactly. He says and does plenty of things to make you think/feel like you are nothing and worthless. He treats you like an abused puppy...beating you down, praising you in between, ruining your self-worth, making you question your sanity, lecturing you for hours until you give up and believe everything he's said, etc He was, for the most part... up front and honest. I just didn't realize that I couldn't live up to his expectations. I guarantee he's changed. No person who acts like this could ever snag themselves a relationship. He's putting everything on you. And dont worry about not living up to his expectations, NO ONE ever will. Why do you think all the other women left?! Also, that part of the info I gave you doesnt have to be word for word....there are other ways to say the same thing. He tells me he doesn't "withdraw" to be hurtful to me. And that he doesn't understand why it's hurtful to me Oh yes he does....he does it so that he has all the power, and so no one who relies on him is around. And the second part of what you said is HUGE!! He lacks empathy. A normal, loving person would know how it feels or why it would be hurtful!! He responds with the 'evidence' of loving you...but its all superficial actions. He doesnt know how to love, b/c he doesnt care. Also, he doesnt realize that saying "if i didnt love you i wouldnt call" wouldnt make someone feel loved. He's missing the point. I get the impression he thinks those meaningless actions mean that you care, but more importantly to him its more a case of keeping you there, hanging on. "here's a little tidbit of love for you to chew on for a few weeks. it should keep you with me, oblivious to how i manipulate and control you" (people like him dont really think they act this way, btw....if they were conscious of it, then theyd change it) He's not passive. He'll reach right out there when he's mad. No problem with initiative in that. But he also gets really quite and shuts me out... doesnt' always mean it's a problem with "us", he'll do it if work gets too stressful with him, or he fights with his brother, etc. He is passive in initiative. All he does is REACT. He is passive in getting a different job, he is passive about foreplay, passive about sex, passive about how you feel/think, passive about numerous things. He does not reach out, from what Ive seen. He reacts to everything that goes on....he reacts to how you initiate sex, foreplay, saying what you think/feel, and he reacts to his job. Even getting quiet and reclusive is a reaction. only thing he really complains about is his job. But I've tried to find him different jobs, and there aren't any in my state right now. Just nothing... so it's not something he can change at this time.... Otherwise, he was upset with his brother, and did change that. He was upset with his friend, and handled that. So I can't really see this in him. He surely seems to complain about the same sex issues a lot....and about how youre so 'selfish' and what-not. Seems to have a pattern of complaining about you, and doesnt do anything to fix/change it. He has left sex all up to you, and you MIGHT have sex unless he rejects you. Seems like he could certainly change that, but that would take away an ENORMOUS amount of his control, so he's not going to do it. He's happy staring at the floor hours on end, introspective. He works long hours now. This fits that info perfectly, I dont know why you missed it. Staring at the floor for hours is lazy...thats very weird too, but he's still "busy" for all that time. And yeah he works long hours, b/c thats how he feels useful. He doesnt 'get it' that jobs are meant to be productive, not just long in time devoted to it. He's a truck driver....that job fits a narcissist perfectly. Time away from anyone emotionally reliant on him, long periods of time working, and its monotonous...and there's not very much end production. So to him, it probably feels like he's doing soooo much, just b/c of the time he puts in. Definite No. He won't take anything from anyone, unless he's already given above and beyond what they give him. He won't accept money unless he's worked for it. He's very strong willed about this. Even sexually... he won't take unless he's given. Or can give back soon. I dont know how you missed this one either. He takes everything from YOU!!!! And doesnt give back!!! Except money, oh yeah, he makes dinner too (but thats just b/c he doesnt want to be poisoned). And he buys you things. Here's the thing, walk....he takes everything and expects to be indulged by you. Especially sexually. The fact that he knows how to behave in the world on superficial levels is meaningless. He knows that youre supposed to do certain things in life, but it doesnt mean that he knows why, or how it feels. He knows that people are supposed to reciprocate. He knows how to give gifts. Those things dont mean anything. He doesnt know how to treat someone on a deeper level. And he doesnt care. Just look at the whole sexual problem in your relationship and re-think this section of info. Sure he can give and take when it comes to oral or whatever, but he cant do anything to start the whole process. He expects it all to be given to him in the appropriate dance, voice, tone, time, etc. He wants you to indulge him always, and will do nothing to indulge you ever. "Narcissists are not only selfish and ungiving -- they seem to have to make a point of not giving what they know someone else wants. .....They want to get what they want from you without giving you what you want from them. Period. If you should happen to want to give what they want to get, then they'll lose interest in you." You missed this point. He is selfish in wanting you to make all the sexual moves that are correct for that time....you know, you should just KNOW what to do today...which might be different tomorrow. When you do what he has asked, he rejects you...pretty meanly at that. Then he's lost interest, b/c you did what he asked. Thats when he decides to change the stipulations, saying that you should have done ___. He also does this emotionally. He wants to be listened to and lifted up, but will not listen to what you think/feel about things. narcissists will go out of their way to stir up other people's expectations and then go out of their way to disappoint those expectations So youre saying he's never led you on thinking that there will be sex or love or something, and then hours or however long later, doesnt do it? And he's never said or made you think something and then changed it? He's done it with sex. He's led you to think that if you did ___, it would arouse him and lead to sex. But then when you do it, he changes his mind....and blames it on you again. narcissists lack empathy, so they don't know what you want or like This doesnt have to mean gifts....and yes, we know he thinks he can keep you around by showing you how much he loves you w/ THINGS.....but it also meant emotionally/physically. He doesnt care about anything emotional with you. (psychotic killers, as well as 6 year olds, know that people like gifts....theres a lot of info about people who show love by giving people gifts, while treating them like $h!t every other time) he believes his opinion is the correct one on all aspects. He's very egotistical. He will accept he's wrong if you give him enough evidence, data, or are able to convince him he's wrong. But I'm not very good at doing that. Never was. Not just with him, but in my entire life. Yes, of course he believes the way he thinks/feels is the only one...there's something wrong with him! He has no empathy. He cannot relate to anyone elses thoughts/feelings. He doesnt think he's ever wrong b/c he's god. A person who is loved, should never have to FIGHT and ARGUE and present so much EVIDENCE to prove that the way they think/feel is valid. An empathetic person knows that what might be true for someone else, isnt necessarily how they feel about it...but they still understand and have compassion for what the other one feels. When things are good, he takes my hand, he kisses me a lot, he likes to touch and hold me. Without having it directly related to, or have to lead to sex. "Satisfaction" doesnt have to mean sex. People can be satisfied w/out having sex. So he cuddles/touches when things are good, you think that doesnt satisfy his needs?? Except for odd spells of heady euphoria unrelated to anything you can see Those are the 'euphoric' times, when he cuddles/touches....they came from nowhere.....but remember that when you dont cater to his every ridiculous indulgence/whim/etc he's horrible to you again! And he only becomes 'nice' again after he's gotten you so worn down that you agree with what he says. Run for cover when they start acting normal, ...........These people are geniuses of "Come closer so I can slap you." Except that's not the way they think about it, if they think about it -- no, they're thinking, "Well, maybe you do really care about me, and, if you really care about me, then maybe you'll help me with this," only by "help" they mean do the whole thing, take total responsibility for it, including protecting and defending them and cleaning up the mess they've already made of it (which they will neglect to fill you in on because they haven't really been paying attention, have they, so how would they know??). ............: it's supposed to just tickle you pink to be offered this generous opportunity of showing how much you love them and/or how lucky you are to be the servant of such a luminous personage. Re-think this one in relation to your sex life, as well as when he's venting to you about work and things, and let me know if you still dont see it. He's very responsible with money, mroe so then others I've met. There was something on that website about how narcissists are extremely careful w/ their money...I just didnt know if it applied to him so I didnt include it. You should check out that site...theres a lot of stuff there. He does when he's happy with me... Doesnt' when he's not. *shrug* As far as apologizing... NEVER. The one time he came close to apologizing, he's since taken it back. Said he only said it to "smooth things over". Big Red Flag He doesn't treat me badly "right away" if I say I love him, or express love. I don't see any correlation in his behavior behind my profession of love, and his behavior toward me. How soon after you said "I love you" did he start treating you worse and worse (though, if you look back, things wont look so bad b/c they've progressively gotten worse over time....but really have an open mind and think back to when you started getting weird feelings). It didnt mean "right away after you just said it"....I think it meant, after you say I love you, they will view you as an appendage, and will start treating you badly once they think of you as such. I've told him how much it bothers me that sometimes he acts as though I'm trash, and he'll just dispose of me like a bag of garbage. But then he'll say, he doesn't... and we wouldn't still be talking if he did. Or he wouldn't still be here.. or he wouldn't be trying to work it out with me, etc. I noticed this from a few things you've said. Basically, I saw how he would say, "if you really loved me, you wouldnt pet the cat...or would just KNOW that I wanted to be pressured into sex today....or that I wanted ___....." And since you apparently dont, in his warped mind, b/c you didnt seem as in AWE of my wonderment and worshipping as you should be, I'm going to be mean to you. You ARE a toy to him. Look at all he puts you through, physically and emotionally....he pulls on your strings and you behave. He loves playing god with you. I also noticed this by the few times he said things like well, bye then! flippantly like that. I dont remember right now the words he's used, but it was basically like that. Almost like a dare too....b/c he knows youre so reliant on him (which he caused) and he knows he's in control of you....he knows you wont leave him. (this whole thing reminds me of the ___ effect...cant remember what its called right now. Where the abused people believed everything and defended and cared for their abuser....i'll think of it later) Like I don't own my body, it's some one elses. Honey....youre so brainwashed and controlled that you dont own your body or mind right now. He's beaten you down sooo much. I cry too, walk...not like you do or for your reasons....but I cry FOR you. I'm so worried about you, and I wish you could see it all. Dont you want to be happy? When you imagine yourself through your life, how do you see it all? What do you see yourself feeling? Joy? Love? Understood? Valued? Cherished? Do you want any of those? You CAN have those things. You ARE strong enough to do what you need to. I know youre scared. But wouldnt you rather be scared KNOWING that you WILL have a happy ending....rather than be scared about how much WORSE things are going to get and how miserable a future with him will be??? How much lower do you think someone can push you? Not much, I say....and Im scared that you wont be alive in another year or so if you stay with him. Please go see a counselor....there should be some at your school. Please stop texting him for a while. Cut off contact for a little while. You MUST clear your head. Step back and look at this from the outside. I wish I could take you away....and that you would know your worth....and rise above this mess he's put you into. You said that you have argued w/ him before, standing up for yourself....that makes it obvious that you do have strength! I wish you could take all the strength you have, and put it into yourself. Fight for YOURSELF, and your LIFE, and your HAPPINESS....FIGHT all of the bad/sad feelings that you have!!! Get P!$$ED OFF that he's done this to you for this long!!! Leave him and enjoy life!! I'm gonna read more of the thread now....things might have come up since i started this post!!
clandestinidad Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Alright...I had to take DD to my parents house, but I'm back to write this.... I read your other posts, walk, and I was SOOOOO happy to read the one that showed your strength...the venting one. That was great!!! It seems like youre starting to realize whats been going on for far too long!!! I hope you have many more moments of clarity like that!! Also, wherever you go or whatever you do for the next few months is only temporary. If you dont want to live w/ your brother, or get help from your parents, or medicaid for the rest of your life, then you wont. Just b/c you need that help now, doesnt mean that your life will suck and go down the drain.....its only temporary. They are family, you know they love you, and will help you in any way they can. Thats what theyre there for, love and support (even if they suck from time to time, but thats family!!) Anyway, I'm wishing you a wonderful day tomorrow! One day at a time, girl, and you WILL get over this. You'll figure it out.....dont worry!!! edit to add: I was on medicaid, so if you have questions, maybe I can help. Also, I'm really sorry about your medical issues going on...we havent talked about what youre feeling about those yet, but when you want to we can!! (if youve posted about it already, please redirect me to that thread)
Becoming Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Wow. I've spent two hours reading all that's been happening in your life since I've been gone, and I can't say I'm surprised, given your other posts. Get out. Now. Don't wait for him to come home and have it out one last time to know for sure. Plan for your safety if you really feel you must do this. Listen to Outcast (post #115). He's mentally ill. The exact diagnosis is beyond nearly all of us here and unimportant. He's exhibiting classic signs of paranoia and just might kill with that thinking. Covering up an imaginary camera in the bedroom? This would be considered normal behavior in a nuthouse, but not in your home. It's a for-sure-gone conclusion that he is one sneaky controlling SOB, made worse by his alternating niceness. The devil welcomes you into hell with a smile; it doesn't mean he's nice; it means he knows he has you right where he wants you and is happy for his gain at your loss. Underneath all this controlling behavior is probably one very hurt man who's too vulnerable to confront his vulnerability and overcompensates with fierce independence, as you suggest. Still, only he can solve his issues; you can't. No matter how much you might want to, you simply can't defy the laws of psychological physics on this one. Truth is, like it or not, you're a kept woman. Period. That's all he wants is a woman kept right where and how he wants you. You know this, and you're fighting it--FOR GOOD REASON. This is not what you want. Moving in was a business arrangement as much as anything else. But I'd venture to say you both fell seriously in love and it scared the heaven out of both of you to be that vulnerable to another. So you keep playing these games as though it's all still let's make a deal to see whose needs get met and whose don't. No one ever wins that game. But we keep trying nonetheless. Your needs are crying out to be met and aren't. There's a part of you that keeps trying to stifle these legitimate needs, though, as though you shouldn't have them. Why? Set up an appt. to see the dean of students on campus. Tell her/him the situation you're in and that you need housing and financial aid. Ask for the dean's advice. You should be able to get free medical help at your university clinic, which often has some good medicine practiced there. You sometimes have to insist on the tests you need, though. Insist and persist. Similarly, you can often get counseling free as well. Check into these services--ask the dean. If the dean's not in, ask the administrative assistant to the dean who often runs the show anyway. Go to the housing office at the university and talk to someone there. Sometimes there's a nice old lady with a spare room who wants a nice responsible college student to stay in the upstairs of her old house, etc. These sometimes don't get advertised except through university officials. Ask about the possibilities of such a person. I stayed one lovely summer in a wonderful furnished house this way. The school paper will have ads. You can check http://www.craigslist.com for possible sublets. Ask if a faculty member on sabbatical needs a housesitter. There are all kinds of ways to get creative safe housing. Check campus bulletin boards in the student center for possible housing and jobs. The only one standing in the way of your law degree is you. You're going to have to start acting on YOUR behalf. Plain and simple. Focusing on this bf at a time when you're not sure if you have cancer and nervous about going back to school is probably a diversion from facing your own anxieties about caring for your own life. Time to face the music and learn to dance and find you enjoy being you--the real you, not the one everyone else keeps telling you you're "supposed to" be, but the one you were created to be. Let us know what's up.
J dub Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Walk... Wow..ok, someone may have already pointed this out, but it was very clear to me throughout the entirety of this thread one disturbing thing. He has you on his leash that he literally created. He didnt allow you to get a job and establish your own sense of self knowing you'd probably want to leave him, so he manipulated you into thinking that he was "fine" with being the primary money maker and you just being there. But in the end, you are feeling like you have nowhere to go (well, now it sounds like you have somewhere but you know..). I can tell who on this thread has and who has not been in an abusive relationship or loved someone who was. It's so incredibly brainwashing, you dont even know what is going on before your very eyes because you have been re-taught whats right and wrong. What they are saying isnt making sense to you because for 2 years he drilled ideas and whatnot into your mind and a few days worth of posts isnt going to break down all the things he accumulated in your mind. It's so very simple for someone to suggest you leave, and i know how you feel because you invested your energy, love, time, EVERYTHING into this man and youre feeling like its another failure. But rest assured, this is not not NOT your fault. You did nothing wrong here but try to be good to him. You cannot SHOW him what he doesnt want to see, therefore your only option is to find someone who will. I feel for you, you'll be in my thoughts. Keep us updated on whats going on, we are all concerned for you
Mary3 Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Serial Killer : Occupation : Truck Driver. On the road alot alone , sociopath , narcisstic behavior , + kind ,loving, confused girlfriend at home who has no clue her screwed up lover could be conjuring up more hate then he is showing her in real time. Think thats made up ? Read about the profile of serial killers. I am not saying he is one but I am trying to shake you up that he could become this distant monster who eventually hurts someone in his self rightous delusions. You give , give , give and then give some more and then when you think you are exhausted you GIVE even more only to get beaten down by a man who has you in a position EXACTLY where he wants you. Now you have big trouble. You want out of the chaotic nightmare he has created . He will not make that easy. This entire relationship is built on his sickness. Can you Imagine another girl wanting this piece of work ???? Think real long and HARD about that. Lets imagine he runs an ad on Match.com : ( Something like this ) Hi , I am a 32 ( insert age ) year old pathetic loser who has serious mental problems and the highlight of my day is to make you feel worse than pond scum. I am a great truck driver and I won't be home much but when I am , you need to park your work card and all access to finacial assests because I am going to take control of your mind so that I have you at my beck and call , don't bother questioning anything we might have in our relationship because I will prove you wrong. You see , I have a sickness and its festered by females who give give give give and then give me somemore of their souls , their minds , their hearts and I will smile and snicker and give back just a little. Is there a sweet innocent girl out there for me ? If so please contact me at [email protected] If thats not bad enough , I have to ask you how you got yourself into the position of totally being dependant upon a man , no job no health insurance, no money , no backup plan , little support. ( I am not judging you but honestly asking you , how much of this did HE suggest you do ? ) Curious , I dont blame you for where you are today. Just making sure you dont get THERE again in your life. Don't hate me for saying that . Its only because I did too once. Its only because I saw how they take control and now I make sure I depend on NO-One but me when it comes to the financial aspects. Start over , be it humble , but its a NEW beginning. I did it . It was terrifying but you CAN CAN CAN Do it ! Your posts can be filled with new hope and love and no more confusion about who you are. We make mistakes. Yours was meeting this man. honestly. But you take part and learn from this
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Imagine yourself going back in time to the day you met him, but knowing everything about him right off the bat. All the crappy ways he was gonna treat you, all the pain he'd make you feel, what a psycho he really was. If the history of your future relationship was written on his forehead, would you still have proceeded with the relationship?... Think long and hard before you answer... I bet you wouldn't have. I bet you would have run in the opposite direction. So that ought to tell you that he's not right for you. That you're wasting your time and health on him. That RIGHT NOW is the time to end this retarded game. Before you waste more years and more of your precious sanity. There's happiness out there for you. It's everywhere but with him. And a freakish idea just occured to me. (Don't shoot me!) After all the research I've done about the effects and therapeutic value of MDMA (Ecstasy), I wonder if it would be useful for breaking narcissists and sociopaths out of their patterns. Or even just people lacking empathy. MDMA is a powerful entactogen (empathogen). I am not officially promoting the use of illegal substances here... just musing...
blind_otter Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 And a freakish idea just occured to me. (Don't shoot me!) After all the research I've done about the effects and therapeutic value of MDMA (Ecstasy), I wonder if it would be useful for breaking narcissists and sociopaths out of their patterns. Or even just people lacking empathy. MDMA is a powerful entactogen (empathogen). I am not officially promoting the use of illegal substances here... just musing... Sorry to burst your bubble but this doesn't work. Says the girl who has eaten over 500 hits of ecstasy in her life. Maybe it just doesn't work in large quantities, or when used as frequently as my friends and I used it. Plus the come down makes you depressed, which is an inherently selfish emotion. And the more you take it, the longer the come down. Until you spend the rest of your life feeling like you're coming down.
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 After all the research I've done about the effects and therapeutic value of MDMA (Ecstasy), "Research", eh? I wonder if it would be useful for breaking narcissists and sociopaths out of their patterns. Or even just people lacking empathy. MDMA is a powerful entactogen (empathogen). OK, now I'm dying of curiousity. Does taking a drug really make you more empathic?
blind_otter Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 OK, now I'm dying of curiousity. Does taking a drug really make you more empathic? No. It makes you temporarily feel like you are, though. I've taken enough to kill a horse and I'm no more empathic than I was before.
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 No. It makes you temporarily feel like you are, though. Yup, I was guessing this. Thanks for the explanation.
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 "Research", eh? OK, now I'm dying of curiousity. Does taking a drug really make you more empathic? The research I'm talking about isn't only about the rolls I've dropped over the years... I've also read almost all the medical literature about it, and there's a LOT. Actual studies, not the demonizing crap the DEA throws around. I started reading up on it obsessively in 1999. No, it doesn't make you permanently more empathic just to take it. But in 2001 the courts granted psychiatric researchers permission to study the effects of it in therapy, and it's currently being used on a VERY LIMITED basis during therapy sessions on victims of PTSD and, more rarely, other mental disorders. The rewards gained while rolling can be used during the course of therapy to make advancements that would carry over. So no, taking it by yourself probably won't help $hit. I was merely wondering if they should hook up with a licensed shrink who does this. It seems like the only answer to a pervasive personality disorder that's known to be almost impossible to treat otherwise.
blind_otter Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 All the personality disordered are notoriously difficult to treat. When I was working in the forensic mental hospital right after college, there were several different types of PDs we had to deal with. My mentor at that time said that in his professional opinion (12 + years in therapeutic practice with the severelly mentally ill) it takes longterm inpatient treatment to make a dent in personality disorders. One borderline PD in the building I worked in had been in inpatient treatment for over 10 YEARS. Unfortunately there are no easy shortcuts because there is something fundamentally flawed in the foundational elements of the patient's personality itself. They have to be broken down and restructed at a basic, fundamental level, and they respond very poorly to psycho-pharmaceutical treatment. Also, honestly, narcissistic personality disorder is almost lauded in western culture and society. We called it the politician's disease (my mentor and I). Actors, politicians, businessmen, CEOs, can have relatively severe cases of NPD and still be successful in certain areas of their life, although their personal lives tend to be disastrous. I've read the research you speak of, as well as seen a documentary piece in one of my humanistic psych classes years ago. It was used to treat a couple who were dealing with the husband's terminal cancer. It seemed effective in the context of a therapeutic practice, but I doubt it would even be considered in our current political climate.
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 It seemed effective in the context of a therapeutic practice, but I doubt it would even be considered in our current political climate. I doubt it too, as the DEA would have to retract their whole stance on it after all the crap they've spewed, and it would make them look like a bunch of asses. Damn shame, the wonder-drugs that go to waste because of political interests. They say there are cures for AIDS and cancer already that can't be released... Politicians play their games, and we're the ones who pay the price. Pawns in their game of chess. But lemme stop littering Walk's thread with my babble.
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 But lemme stop littering Walk's thread with my babble. Well, it was an interesting rabbit trail
Outcast Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 And a freakish idea just occured to me. (Don't shoot me!) After all the research I've done about the effects and therapeutic value of MDMA (Ecstasy), I wonder if it would be useful for breaking narcissists and sociopaths out of their patterns. Or even just people lacking empathy. MDMA is a powerful entactogen (empathogen). I am not officially promoting the use of illegal substances here... just musing... It is a valid question and, lest Walk go get some X to try to fix him, the drug was being studied because it showed promise in terms of helping people with impulse control (which is one of the major issues with violent people, of course) however the damage Ecstasy wreaks on the brain mitigates against its pharmaceutical use for this kind of thing. Maybe someday they'll be able to come up with a derivative that will help people with impulse control but not dig holes in their brains. I'm hoping that neurofeedback might eventually be a solution for some of these things. NASA was doing studies on it. It was considered snake oil but there are more folks studying it seriously now and IMHO it would be wonderful if it worked, particularly for people with impulse control issues.
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