I've had enough... Think I'm tapping out...

[Tangerina]

Sounds JUST like my ex BF.... the good times were so good that I couldn't let go of them.... but way too often he was just an immature, selfish, arrogant little prick, doing things very similar to what your BF is doing... especially with the metaphors, sheesh!!! So I got clingy and overcompensated, trying to do everything for him so he would realize how good I am, and I would try to talk to him to work on our problems and sometimes he was great about talking through things and other times he would tell me that I was making a big deal and that I was obsessed with talking... and all that just made him feel smothered but if I didn't do all of that then I really only got attention from him when HE felt like dishing it out, which was very unpredictable... It was so hard to leave, though, because the good times were the majority of the time and they were really good.... but it just wasn't worth it for the bad times... and I have realized something since... the good times weren't really all that great, they just felt great in contrast to the bad times... I wonder if maybe this is true for you too? With my ex, we went away for a few days and I decided it was the best trip ever because we only fought once which meant we were getting along... with my new BF, I think we had a great weekend if we did fun things and were happy to be together, etc... and the strange thing is I am way more happy and comfortable and content and in love with my current BF but it never feels as intense as with the Ex because there isn't the BS and pain to make the good times stand out so much... but overall I am so much happier, I don't feel like I am holding in tears half of the time....

 

I just shared all of that to make the point, I guess, that sometimes in retrespect you can see that maybe the good times aren't worth the pain, but I certainly understand how addictive they can be in a mildly emotionally abusive relationship... you cling to them and hype them up to prove to yourself and others why you are putting up with the other crap....

[Walk]

So I don't recommend you break-up unless you're almost certain you know what happened here and have thought up something you can do in the future to prevent you from ending up here again. Because, while the people who are saying this isn't your fault and your guy sucks likely have their hearts in the right place, the truth is that you really could have avoided this is you had better foresight, deeper knowledge, greater understanding, etc. You could very well be most to blame.

 

This has been my philosophy for 2 years now. I've accepted all the blame, worked damn hard to change every one of my behaviors, actions, responses, and my very core thinking to mimic his own. Hoping this would alleviate his anger at me. Hoping he wouldn't find me at fault anymore. Believing that if I just tried harder, he wouldn't get upset with me. If I just didn't f*** up, he wouldn't get so angry at me all the time.

 

I could list the things I've changed and done for him, but that's not really the point. I know he's changed and done many, many things for me too. The problem is, no matter what I do, it never seems enough. He's contradictory in what he's seeking. One time he's mad because I'm trying to be more sexually exciting. Next time he's mad because I'm not trying to be more sexually arousing. Next time I'm not asking specifically how he wants. (one word difference) Next time he's angry that I asked specifically how he wants but I should've known he was tired and it was inconsiderate of me to ask at that time. Next time he's mad because I didn't ask when he was tired.

 

If he wrote down a detailed and specific itinerary of how to act every minute of every day, I would do it. But I believe he'd still get mad and say I f***ed up somewhere. That is what I'm frustrated about!

[Walk]

They lack the introspective skills that would allow them to visualise this situation. They simply do not know what they want.

 

Hey Sir. Good to see your back. Hows the hand?

 

I'll have to think on this one. But he's introspective, almost to a fault. So I'm not sure this really applies to him. However, from what i can tell of his past, his normal reaction to stress and anger is to leave. So maybe he's not good at figuring out his emotions or what's triggering them. Just that he's mad, upset, whatever.

[Walk]

Why the hell should SHE increase his fruit and veggie instake? He is a fkn adult let him deal with the crap he hands out so easily!

 

I want to come and pack Walk's stuff and take her away from her toxic situation! I have been at the self same place and it just gets worse!

 

My getting/making him do something would be like trying to drain the ocean with a spoon. Impossible. He hates veggies and fruit.

 

Thanks Lishy. You're the best. Lucky for me though, I've only got two boxes of junk and some clothes, so packing won't take me long.

[lindya]

This has been my philosophy for 2 years now. I've accepted all the blame, worked damn hard to change every one of my behaviors, actions, responses, and my very core thinking to mimic his own. Hoping this would alleviate his anger at me. Hoping he wouldn't find me at fault anymore. Believing that if I just tried harder, he wouldn't get upset with me. If I just didn't f*** up, he wouldn't get so angry at me all the time.

 

And for the past two years, have you been aware that you were making all those changes to yourself? You're talking like someone who doesn't have any control of her own actions and choices.

[Mary3]

You can fly to the moon and retrieve moon rocks and put them on a silver platter for this man but you won't please him .

 

My advice is to STOP trying and find someone who is not so fricked up in the head.

 

Why do people spend years of their precious lives trying to rehabilitate the unmanageable ?

 

I did it and now thankfully I don't anymore.

 

He/she OWNS their issues. Don't be a corporate sponser and part owner of those issues.

 

Some things are worth working out. Some things just need to be picked up by the Goodwill truck and disposed of because they are just taking up space and creating clutter in your mind.

 

I would not deliberate any further on trying to do 10 bazillion things for someone to make them happy if all I got back was Waste Water Treatment Plant refuse.

 

Life is NOW. Please go live it

[Walk]

Thank you for all the replies. I wanted to reply to everyone, but there were so many. But thank you again for the thoughtful advice and suggestions.

 

Three weeks ago he's telling me I'm the love of his life. I say I feel like I can't ever do anything right with him. That I'm always screwing up. He says, no.. I don't. That I'm perfect the way I am, and he loves me, admires me, wishes he could be more like me.

 

It's all bullsh*t! Then he says last weekend that he doesn't feel love when he's angry at me. I say I love him even while angry at him. He says good for me. I don't know how much is anger talking, and how much is truth. Is the truth three weeks ago, or the harsh words last weekend? Or neither?

 

I know why I stay... but I'm not sure my thinking is right. I don't know what to do. What's right to do... My marriage went in the pits after we started building a house. It was supposed to take a year, and two years later with huge debts, the house still unfinished, and never spending any time with my H, I called it quits. He told me the house was the only thing important and I wasn't. Two years of hell for me. (theres more to this, always is. but this is the jist of it.) Others said to be patient, when the house was done, it would be better. A year... two years.... beginning of third year I left. He says I gave up to soon. That I wasn't seeing the bigger picture. That he built the house for me, for us, to set us up for the rest of our lives. But that I was quick to bail when things got rough. That I was selfish in wanting him to pay attention to me during this time.

 

This relationship... my bf tells me I'm not looking at the bigger picture. That he's working to put me through school, that things will be rough for several years, but that I want gratification now. That I'm only looking at how things are now. Not five years from now. But he's looking at the big picture, working toward the five year plan, not the now. To put me through college and make sure I graduate.

 

And I'm looking at the now, thinking how all this arguing affects my schooling, affects my desire to be with him, makes me think I'd be happier and more productive alone rather then this constant up/down relationship. But am I only looking at the now? Is there a better, brighter future I'm giving up simply because I want to be happy now?

 

This is what makes me hesitate to leave.

 

And if I want to bring it to his attention that I feel he's walking on me... taking advantage of my unconditional love, how do I say this? How do I get the point across without being accusing, or sounding retalitory?

 

And he says we never came to a resolution over my actions last weekend (my inattention to him by playing with the cat while he was talking). I had asked what a resolution for this would be, but he had no answer. I have no clue what he means by resolving it. I thought if two people talked it out, both came to the realization that the action was hurtful, understood the reasonings behind the actions, and believed it was not a "normal" occurances then it was "resolved". (and I apologized three times, very sincerely) What the hell would a resolution be???? What does he want from me?

[Walk]

And for the past two years, have you been aware that you were making all those changes to yourself? You're talking like someone who doesn't have any control of her own actions and choices.

 

I knowingly and fully chose to make these changes.

 

Nothing I changed violated my core values. I am not set in stone, except for a handful of values that I WILL NOT change for anyone. The rest I'm willing to comprimise on. As long as the person I'm with A) appreciates my efforts to do so. B) is willing and shows he will comprimise for me too. And does not ask me to violate my core values. The rest I'm willing to discuss and work to change for the benefit of the relationship.

 

Guess I "comprimised" too much. I need to be more of a bytch.

[Walk]

Some things just need to be picked up by the Goodwill truck and disposed of because they are just taking up space and creating clutter in your mind.

..... if all I got back was Waste Water Treatment Plant refuse.

 

That made me smile. Good analogy.

[lindya]

And he says we never came to a resolution over my actions last weekend (my inattention to him by playing with the cat while he was talking). I had asked what a resolution for this would be, but he had no answer. I have no clue what he means by resolving it. I thought if two people talked it out, both came to the realization that the action was hurtful, understood the reasonings behind the actions, and believed it was not a "normal" occurances then it was "resolved". (and I apologized three times, very sincerely) What the hell would a resolution be???? What does he want from me?

 

Maybe he wants you to be you...instead of someone who's constantly seeking guidance from him as to how you should behave in every interaction the two of you have. I think if you're going to stay (and it sounds as if you might) then you need to take some responsibility for standing up to your boyfriend when he gets moody. Turning his complaints back on him. Being brutally honest (if it's safe to be that...and if it's not, then you shouldn't still be there) eg

 

"Why the hell are you just sitting there patting and cooing to the cat when I'm trying to tell you what a s*** day I've had?"

 

"I suppose I'm doing it because I'm tuning you out. If you want me to listen, lower your tone and don't rant at me as if your problems are all my doing. Do that, and I'll happily stop tuning you out and start listening. "

 

It takes a lot of this to start turning a spoiled adult's behaviour around and start getting some respect from them. Improving this relationship is a shared responsibility - and that means that you need to start deciding upon and owning your behaviour instead of looking to him for guidance as to who and what you should be.

 

In light of you saying this...

 

If he wrote down a detailed and specific itinerary of how to act every minute of every day, I would do it. But I believe he'd still get mad and say I f***ed up somewhere. That is what I'm frustrated about!

 

I thought it was worth quoting a bit of Roald Dahl...

 

But now, my dears, we think you might

Be wondering–is it really right

That every single bit of blame

And all the scolding and the shame

Should fall upon Veruca Salt?

Is she the only one at fault?

For though she's spoiled, and dreadfully so,

A girl can't spoil herself, you know.

Who spoiled her, then? Ah, who indeed?

Who pandered to her every need?

Who turned her into such a brat?

Who are the culprits? Who did that?

[Mary3]

I say the SOB is too controlling and demands the unrealistic ....

 

Its like shame on you bad girl and here is your punishment.

 

I would tell him to take a flying leap .

 

I've seen alot of mind f***ing on here and you are a victim. I can only say that NO matter what you do he is going to complain.

 

If he asked me why I was playing with the cat I would tell him " Listen A**wipe , I can multi task ie ; Listen to you , pet the cat , do my nails and tune your sorry a** out " !

[Magister]

If he wrote down a detailed and specific itinerary of how to act every minute of every day, I would do it. But I believe he'd still get mad and say I f***ed up somewhere. That is what I'm frustrated about!

 

Ok. First let me say that I am not criticising you or blaming you for anything. Just to clear up any possible confusing between you and me or me and the other posters.

 

If you have a job, you have relationships with your coworkers. At some point in time, those relationships didn't exist. They grew in stages by you not getting in their face and, if they got in yours, you got them them out of it without setting the stage for further confrontation. I'm not saying be a push over. I am saying you do not have enough power to force him to treat you the way you want or to make him tell you what his problem is with doing it. If you keep trying to do that, you will continue to be frustrated. The reason he is acting the way he is probably doesn't even have anything to do with you.

 

If you've decided to break up, go for it. But I would be careful about how you parcel out blame. Very seldom does any situation have clear-cut evil villains and unerring do-gooders. The more you try to establish your credentials as a do-gooder, the more you have to define him as a villain. Its a simple fact of life that, under the wrong circumstances even the best of people can do something bad.

[Walk]

Lindya...

 

Your words hurt, but I think they are very close to the truth of the situation.

 

Ironic... my bf said once, when we first started dating, that I spoiled my exH and that was why the ex took advantage of me. That I shouldn't have tolerated the behavior, and the ex wouldn't have continued to act that way.

 

I felt a person shouldn't act that way to begin with, that I'm not their mother. I know that's not really reality. I've advised others on here to "put their foot down". Yet, I don't do the same.

 

I feel I'll lose him if I do this. So I have to not fear losing him. Which means i can't care if he stays or goes. But I do care. And when I don't care, then I don't want to put the effort into fighting with him. Catch 22.

[witabix]

Lindya's words may sting a little. But we both know that she is not trying to hurt, just make you understnd something.

 

Her points are valid.

 

Perhaps you need time and space to sort out your own role in all of this. By that I mean, take some time to let the dust and confusion sudside.

 

I do not believe for one moment you have singel handedly 'spoiled' this man.

 

He has issues of his own.

 

You come here to get others thoughts. I do not feel that you come here to get everyone to pat your ego.

 

I would back Lindya's stance that you should maybe consider standing up and not be a chameleon for him.

 

You have to be happy, and you have to be happy being you, Walk.

 

You are enough, you are individual, unique, assert your individuality and uniqueness on your surroundings, do it positively and with belief in yourself.

 

Perhaps a time apart from him, in a calm place, may help.

 

Do not fear to be alone, being on your own is not necessarily being lonely. Your fear of losing him is not necessarily a good thing. You have not mistreated him, and he may not see his treatment of you as negative. There is no necessity to apportion blame. It is not about pointing fingers.

 

Be true to your fundamental self.

[Walk]

But I would be careful about how you parcel out blame. Very seldom does any situation have clear-cut evil villains and unerring do-gooders. The more you try to establish your credentials as a do-gooder, the more you have to define him as a villain. Its a simple fact of life that, under the wrong circumstances even the best of people can do something bad.

I understand where you're coming from with your statement. And I feel I'm pretty self aware. I know I have a tendency to avoid conflict, be passive aggressive, and I'm quick to anger. However, when 99% of the arguments are based solely on what I've done wrong... it makes me wonder if I'm really the one with the problem, or if he's creating the problems. I've never argued with an SO so much. Never had a clear cut always the bad guy role.

 

Here's an example of one argument. At breakfast he said that 90% of everything he told me in the bedroom should be thrown out the window. That it didn't apply to the relationship. ie. The time he told me he wants to grow old with me. Doesn't apply to the relationship. The only time's he tells me I'm special and how much he loves me is "in the bedroom". So I'm to throw 90% of those statements away. They don't mean shyt. So the 10% is true. The "you have a great butt." can be kept. The "I want to grow old with you" disregard.

 

I was upset by this. I asked what he meant by this... It got worse. That the bedroom was the bedroom and he said those things in "the heat of the moment"... That he only felt that way right then, but it didn't mean he felt it later. I tried to stay calm, but it really hurt. I tried to drop the subject so that I could control my emotions but he kept going. I tried to understand if he really didn't mean those things that meant so much to me. But he kept reiterating that it was said in the bedroom, and that it wasn't a part of the relationship.

 

Finally I say, (I was frustrated and pissed off by this point) So you lied when you told me all those things? Those things that meant so much to me I'm supposed to just "throw out the window"?!?!

 

He got pissed at me, said I called him a liar, and how could he ever tell me what was in his heart when he knew I didn't believe him. That he was hurt and scarred by my calling him a liar. He didn't let me live that down for over a month. Our next 5 arguments he brought up the fact that I had called him a liar. How much it hurt him, how he couldn't talk to me anymore. That I was WRONG to call him a liar, and he didn't know if he could forgive me for it.

 

what am I to think? I feel like it's some kind of crazy movie that'll somehow make sense at the end. That suddenly the narrators voice over will explain why and how everything happened. That I'll suddenly understand, and it'll all make sense. But it doesn't.

[Walk]

Thank you Witabix. I know Lindya's statement is truth and not meant as cruel. I said it hurts because I realize she is saying the truth, and the truth often times does hurt.

 

I wish he would understand how his actions hurt me. Or maybe he does, and he just doesn't care. I've tried explaining to him I feel punished with his silence, withdrawal, distance. He say's I shouldn't be. End of discussion for him.

 

I'll bet the next argument brought up is our lack of sex. And how his needs aren't getting met.

 

I'd bet my life on this one. Even though he's turning me down for sex. Even though I really wanted to have sex. This'll be my fault too. F'ing bullsh*t.

[Magister]

Here's an example of one argument. At breakfast he said that 90% of everything he told me in the bedroom should be thrown out the window.

 

Did he just out of nowhere say, "90% of the things I tell you in the bedroom..." ?

[Magister]

Here's an example of one argument. At breakfast he said that 90% of everything he told me in the bedroom should be thrown out the window.

 

Did he just out of nowhere say, "90% of the things I tell you in the bedroom..." ?

[Magister]

Here's an example of one argument. At breakfast he said that 90% of everything he told me in the bedroom should be thrown out the window.

 

Did he just out of nowhere say, "90% of the things I tell you in the bedroom..." ?

[Walk]

Just finished a conversation with the bf.

 

He said his sexual needs aren't being met, and I'm not trying hard enough to meet them. That I should've come downstairs in something sexy and tried to be more arousing to him during the day. I said I was still feeling hurt and upset by his comments last weekend (head case, and selfish) and that his pulling away and telling me I was crowding him made me feel very unsexual, and unsexy.

 

He said that's no excuse. He puts in 20 hour days to pay the bills, so I should be bending over back ward to meet his sexual needs. Said it was all excuses. Everything I said, all excuses. Everything. He meets the bills, so I'm not holding up my end of the bargain because I'm not meeting his sexual needs.

 

At one point I ask "if I get a job and pay half the bills, does that mean I buy back my body?" He says no. That buys me total freedom from the relationship, and we're done. Why? cause I'd be changing the agreement, and I'm not allowed to do that.

 

He said his "apology" for last weekend was made just to smooth things over, but he doesn't feel he blew things out of proportion, that he was justified in his anger.

 

He said I should've come home today and been sexual arousing for him, and tried to meet his needs, and I since I didn't, then I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain.

 

He asked if I felt I was meeting his sexual needs. I said no, but... he says no but. It's black and white. I either am, or I'm not. Then used my reply as proof that I purposefully am not meeting his needs. Just skating off of his generosity in paying all the bills. That I'm taking advantage of him.

 

I said he is taking me for granted. He asks what I do for him. Then ends it with I'm not doing all I can do for him because I'm not meeting his sexual needs.

 

I'm f***ed up. I'm ... doesn't even matter. I don't even know which side is up. I thought.. used to think..... i don't know.

[Lishy]

Walk ....... Get out baby please!

 

This guy is narcisstic in the highest degree, and even though you know he is wrong you will deep down think he is right!

 

Please baby leave him! It is not fair of me to say that as it is your choice but this guy is slowly killing you!

 

I could smack his head against a wall!

[Art_Critic]

maybe a trial seperation.. go to your familes for a week or so..

 

Personally the guy is a jerk.. and this last convo you juts had with him proves it..

 

What an ass.. working 20 hr days gives him the right to treat you like garbage.. maybe you should bend down and lick his toes..

[Outcast]

The problem is, no matter what I do, it never seems enough. He's contradictory in what he's seeking. One time he's mad because I'm trying to be more sexually exciting. Next time he's mad because I'm not trying to be more sexually arousing. Next time I'm not asking specifically how he wants. (one word difference) Next time he's angry that I asked specifically how he wants but I should've known he was tired and it was inconsiderate of me to ask at that time. Next time he's mad because I didn't ask when he was tired.

 

This is a crystal clear sign that despite what Magister insists on thinking, it's NOT about you.

 

Three weeks ago he's telling me I'm the love of his life. I say I feel like I can't ever do anything right with him. That I'm always screwing up. He says, no.. I don't. That I'm perfect the way I am, and he loves me, admires me, wishes he could be more like me

 

Talk is cheap. Abusers say they love you, too. Words mean nothing.

 

we never came to a resolution over my actions last weekend (my inattention to him by playing with the cat while he was talking).

 

This is insanity. It's beyond unreasonable. Unless you're two years old, it is entirely possible to pet a cat AND listen to someone so that he considered this such a horrible thing shows some sort of seriously troubled thinking. And to hold a grudge for weeks over that is really unhealthy.

 

I felt a person shouldn't act that way to begin with, that I'm not their mother. I know that's not really reality. I've advised others on here to "put their foot down". Yet, I don't do the same.

 

Well, like Dr. Phil says 'you teach people how to treat you' so if you don't protest when he acts like that, he may not realize that it bothers you. However, the bottom line is that he has issues isn't helping himself, and puts blame for all his issues onto you. IMHO, it's too much to ask that you live like this for several more years on spec that 'things will improve'.

[Walk]

maybe a trial seperation.. go to your familes for a week or so..

Not feasible. He quote "Doesn't regress". We either move forward or we're done.

working 20 hr days gives him the right to treat you like garbage.. maybe you should bend down and lick his toes..

I told him I felt like that is what he wanted me to do. Lick his toes and tell him how great he is.

 

He didn't think that was funny.

[Walk]

Well, like Dr. Phil says 'you teach people how to treat you' so if you don't protest when he acts like that, he may not realize that it bothers you.

He knows. I've told him. Explained in depth why it bothered me. How it affectd me. Why I reacted as I did. And how I view the situation.

 

Lot of good that did.