I've had enough... Think I'm tapping out...

[cygny]

He's stated many times.. no regression, no breaking up and getting back together. No "taking a break". It's all, or nothing. And he'll never give another girl a second chance after a break up.

 

I believe he's serious. I also believe once I leave, I'm done. No going back. When I walk away, it's for good. I've never called up an ex and gotten back together. Once done, I'm done. If he chooses that route or I do. The end is the same. It's over, for good.

 

I like the option, but I don't feel it's available in this situation.

 

 

Don't believe it, it is always an option. Just stay calm and don't say anything nasty, leave the door open for after the break, give yourself both some time to clear your heads. i really don't think you have any other option BUT to leave, if you value your self-esteem and well-being. Trust me. I've been where you are. It will only get worse and then disrupt your studies and you will have nothing left of your own.

[cygny]

He says his needs are simple, and he is only asking for one thing. To make sure his sexual needs are met. But that he is doing two things for me. Meeting my financial needs and emotional needs. So (he says) he is doing two things for me one. Then asks, how hard is it to put an hour into making him happy, when he works 90 hours a week to meet my financial need.

 

In a straight forward look at it... this seems to make sense. How hard would it be to put an hour of effort into meeting his sexual need? But it seems sometimes that no matter how sexually forward I am, or creative, or manipulative to get him to have sex with me.... it doesn't work. It's when he feels like it. I've told him this. He decides when he wants sex. I never deny him sex. I love sex. I've told him all he has to do is suggest sex, even slightly, and I'll do the rest. He can't ask for it. So we agreed if he took a shower before bed it means he'd like to be intimate. And some other things he could do without asking to let me know he wants me to initiate. He stopped doing those things. And continued to give reasons why we can't have sex when I initiate.

 

this is so messed up girl. in healthy relationships the guy is doing the seducing too. its mutual desire. it should never be a case of he makes the money so you service him sexually.

[JS17]

You're just going to keep making excuses for him Walk instead of seeing things as they really are. It's your fears keeping you in the relationship not a desire to actually be there.

[SmoochieFace]

I'm just curious as to what this relationship is based on...

[Walk]

I'm sorry I'm beating a dead horse guys. And thank you for your replies, and concern. It's good to know people care. And I know I tax your patience. I just really want to understand. And I don't. I keep thinking I missed something. That if I dug deeper I'd see what it is. And then I could fix this.

 

And the worst part... I think he's upset because he's jealous. Maybe I'm wrong. But it nags at me. I'm not sure the facts back this up... But he came home Thursday wore out. Not happy from work. He got up to go back to work, and asked me not to crowd him when I tried to hold his hand.

 

I didn't see him again til Saturday morning (talked to him on phone though), we had breakfast, then he went to bed. I went to coffee shop. A male acquinence of mine showed up there. My bf text me and says he's meeting his friend at the coffee shop, and asks where I'm at. I say at coffee shop. He shows up, my male friend is sitting across from me (way across). Bf seems ok. He's met my friend before. They exchange hello's. Male friend says we've been talking about how annoying family is. Bf commiserates.

 

We go to dinner with bf's friend. My male friend left soon after bf showed. Have a good dinner. Laughing. Get home. Bf seems quiet. I try to hold his hand, but he's not interested. I say "I want you to come up stairs with me." (to bedroom) He says "No thank you. I'm feeling apathetic towards sex."

 

Ok... a bit later. I say.. "Well, will you go down on me then." He says, "No thank you" again. "I'm just not interested in anything sexual right now." I say ok.

 

He wouldn't talk to me after that. I asked if it was because of work. No. Is it something I did? No. Are you okay? Yes. Is there soemthing I can do for you? No. Are you saying that because you've crawled back into your 'independent mode' and don't want me to do anything for you? Yes. Should I leave you alone now? He stared at the floor. I said I'm going to bed. Asked for a hug. I hug him. kiss his cheek and go to bed.

 

Things went downhill from there.

 

I know when he feels threatened, or insecure his ego takes over. He becomes unattached to anything. Thinks he alone is right. I know he overcompensates when he feels hurt. Will do anything to show he isn't, that he's greater then whatever. I know he's very insecure and will do anything to not show it. That he feels it would further destroy him to show his weakness, or admit to it. I know he's desperately afraid I'll leave. Although sometimes he makes me believe he couldn't care less. I know he fears rejection, and it stops him from doing many things. And I know he projects these problems onto me. These are the things I do know. Why he's acting this way now, I don't know.

[cygny]

walk it sounds like he is a baby and you are expected to be mothering him, and this somehow appeals to your maternal side, to take care of his hurts and emotional wounds even though they have nothing to do with you. but it isn't your role. it will destroy you. this is a bottomless pit.

[Outcast]

Walk, are you listening at all to what women are telling you?

 

Why do you respond to Magister's one-liner and accept his view as possibly valid but gloss over so many women's views? Did you read the excerpts from Dr. Irene's site at all?

 

What is it about you that makes you want male approval so much that you will accept any mistreatment in order to try to earn it? Did your father disapprove of you? Was some important male figure very critical of you?

 

I just really want to understand. And I don't. I keep thinking I missed something. That if I dug deeper I'd see what it is. And then I could fix this.

 

You can NOT fix this. You are not God. This man has deep-seated issues which are NOT fixable without professional help. They are not your fault and you have NO power to fix it. Period. There's another poster on the site (male) who's been stuck in the same mindset - that if only he did it 'right' then things will be well. It's absolutely incorrect. You cannot repair issues you didn't create. You MUST understand this.

 

I think he's upset because he's jealous.

 

He's not upset because he's jealous. He's not upset because of ANYTHING you do. It's inside him. It's his own troubles bothering him and, because he doesn't understand that, he projects blame onto you.

 

You are speaking from a lack of knowledge about how humans operate. You are still labouring under the illusion that there is a reasonable cause for every behaviour. THERE ISN'T. People have issues buried in their subconscious that cause them to behave in certain ways. YOU HAVE NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH THAT.

 

I took it as "wow, this guy cares for me soo much that he's willing to share his house to make sure I'm safe. what a gesture of love."

 

And you were wrong. It was 'wow, this guy wants to be sure I'm always somewhere where he can know exactly where I am and what I'm doing and if that means me living with his roomies, then that's what he'll make me do'.

 

Your huge huge HUGE mistake is believing what he SAYS. 'He said' 'we discussed' bla bla. The people with the worst problems can say the best things, Walk. You need, badly, to understand that and that whatever is wrong with him is neither your fault nor yours to fix.

[Walk]

Walk, are you listening at all to what women are telling you?

 

Why do you respond to Magister's one-liner and accept his view as possibly valid but gloss over so many women's views? Did you read the excerpts from Dr. Irene's site at all?

 

What is it about you that makes you want male approval so much that you will accept any mistreatment in order to try to earn it? Did your father disapprove of you? Was some important male figure very critical of you?

I wasn't trying to ignore comments. Was answering questions Magister and others posed. I read and absorbed the comments made by others.

 

My family was wonderful. Parents still together. Nothing horrendous happened. No life scarring events. I grew up fine. So why I'm in this, doesn't make sense to me. He admired my independence, my "fiery attitude", my never say never ideology. My intense feminism. I was blunt, truthful, and lived how I wanted. It just creeped in. Slowly.. very slowly. Til this.

[Lishy]

That is exactly how it happened to me - Maybe his problem is that he misses the girl he fell in love with baby?

[Lishy]

Maybe you just need to stand up and scream at him how you feel - Talking never seems to work with narcissits!

[Outcast]

So why I'm in this, doesn't make sense to me. He admired my independence, my "fiery attitude", my never say never ideology. My intense feminism. I was blunt, truthful, and lived how I wanted. It just creeped in. Slowly.. very slowly. Til this.

 

Yep. Classic. That's what they do. They SAY they love independent women, then try to tame/control/stifle them.

[Lishy]

And they succeed in that - He loved her being independent as he had controlled his previous girlfriends and it was fresh for him - It didnt take him long to knock her down tho!

 

Walk this is doing you more damage than you even know!

 

Talk to your bro I am sure he will help you!

[Walk]

Maybe you just need to stand up and scream at him how you feel - Talking never seems to work with narcissits!

I have, I did, maybe it worked once. Probably didn't, it just coincided with whatever he decided.

 

And they succeed in that - He loved her being independent as he had controlled his previous girlfriends and it was fresh for him - It didnt take him long to knock her down tho!

 

Walk this is doing you more damage than you even know!

 

Talk to your bro I am sure he will help you!

I can't stop crying. i'm so angry at him. and hurt. and i feel betrayed. and deceived. and it hurts so much.

i have my first class at a 4 yr univ. a big deal for me. i was so excited. i couldn't wait. i told everyone. i counted the minutes.

 

i forgot orientation. missed it. first class at 8am tomorrow. i feel dead. and yet in so much pain. and angry. i feel so hurt and angry. it hurts. i have all these horrible thoughts. that he's f***ing someone. that he's telling her there hasn't been anyone like her. that she's exciting and beautiful. and me? i'm no one. not even worth a goodbye. i'm torturing myself and i can't make my brain shut off! maek it stop, please......... it hurts so much.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry you're having an awful time right now...Maybe try to have a hot bath, unwind, have a glass of wine. Tomorrow, get up, have a shower and GO start your first day. Forget him for a little while. I know, easier said than done, but look at it this way...He right now has issues going on and the best thing for your heart is to put yourself first. Concentrate on what YOU need to do to get by and to get through this. He'll come around when he's ready to. You know men...And hey, You have some incredible insight here, below:

 

I know when he feels threatened, or insecure his ego takes over. He becomes unattached to anything. Thinks he alone is right. I know he overcompensates when he feels hurt. Will do anything to show he isn't, that he's greater then whatever. I know he's very insecure and will do anything to not show it. That he feels it would further destroy him to show his weakness, or admit to it. I know he's desperately afraid I'll leave. Although sometimes he makes me believe he couldn't care less. I know he fears rejection, and it stops him from doing many things. And I know he projects these problems onto me. These are the things I do know. Why he's acting this way now, I don't know.

 

So, ALL that is HIS problem, not yours. He is so into himself and inside his own head nothing around him is in his view. So, detach and keep going. See how this week goes, then talk to him. Try not to let those negative thoughts take over. Again, easier said than done but if you don't try, you're gonna drive yourself crazy.

[Walk]

Thank you whichwayisup. Wish there was a stop button on emotions. I texted him twice. Basically pointed out his contradications of expectations. It won't help. He won't see it that way. Second one, explaining that the first day he gets home he blows up at me. Then ask why.

 

Was stupid to text him. I packed my car, but I can't fit it all in. I have two more boxes. but they won't fit. I don't know what to do with them. Don't want to leave them. but have no where to put them. i put all the things he gave me in a plastic bag and set aside. the house looks like i'm missing already. but nearly everything was his anyways. Didn't take much to remove me from his life. couple things, and it's like I was never here. 2 years. gone. blink.

 

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow-

You are not wrong, who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone?

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

 

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand-

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep–while I weep!

O God! can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

 

 

Dream Within a Dream, Edgar Allen Poe

[whichwayisup]

Awww, I'm sorry. Maybe in afew days he'll realize what a poop he's been and BEG you for forgiveness.

 

Have you two thought about going to couples therapy? Just a suggestion and something to think about.

 

Try and get some rest tonight.

[Walk]

Awww, I'm sorry. Maybe in afew days he'll realize what a poop he's been and BEG you for forgiveness.

 

Have you two thought about going to couples therapy? Just a suggestion and something to think about.

 

Try and get some rest tonight.

Interestingly enough... he told me a story about how one of his ex's dragged him to couples therapy. That the therapist told him it was his actions causing the problems. He stopped going cause he didn't want to hear how it was all him.

 

He's insane. Freakin' insane. Why couldn't I pick a normal human being. I had five guys begging to date me at the time. I blew them off for this wad of dung. He listened to me, admired me, really pushed for me to have hobbies, and work on my writing. blah. blah. Shoulda just gotten a new puppy. Less work, and I could rub his nose in his poo when he shyts on the carpet.

 

Like i said.. angry. Very hurt. But incredibly angry. He never returned the text messages. Inconsiderate a-hole!

[Walk]

Thanks WWIU. i need to get to sleep. If my mind will shut off.

 

Thanks again for listening and replying. I don't feel quite so alone.

[Outcast]

I know he's desperately afraid I'll leave.

 

But not so afraid that he'll get help or learn to treat you decently. Not good enough.

 

Awww, I'm sorry. Maybe in afew days he'll realize what a poop he's been and BEG you for forgiveness.

 

What are you saying, WWIU? Maybe he will - they all do. And they say they'll change. And they NEVER CHANGE. C'mon WWIU - finally she's taking steps to get away - don't push her back into that awful situation!!!!

[johan]

Just lynch the hopeless f***er. He deserves the pain of ten thousand white hot needles in his eyes.

[whichwayisup]

But not so afraid that he'll get help or learn to treat you decently. Not good enough.

 

 

 

What are you saying, WWIU? Maybe he will - they all do. And they say they'll change. And they NEVER CHANGE. C'mon WWIU - finally she's taking steps to get away - don't push her back into that awful situation!!!!

Atleast she'll get to talk to him. I'm not saying for her to take him back. I think I misread something earlier and honestly I'm not having a wonderful evening myself so some things aren't sinking in my head. I don't know the full story from start to finish. I will read up on that though. Sorry.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks WWIU. i need to get to sleep. If my mind will shut off.

 

Thanks again for listening and replying. I don't feel quite so alone.

 

You're welcome and I'm sorry that if it seemed I was pushing you back to him. I mentioned to Outcast in the before post, but I am not in the best frame of mind tonight and I haven't read all the pages on your thread so it's obvious that I've missed afew details here and there.

 

I am glad you're not feeling so alone though. And hopefully you will get some sleep. Put the TV set on, that helps me and also distracts the mind enough to doze off...

[noclobber]

Walk,

 

oh dear baby, i am so sorry i wasn't here earlier... my apologies

 

i read thru each one of ur posts and feel awful.... God, what a mess!!!!!

 

i really don't know what to say b'cos the other posters have given wise advice already... if i remember ur previous threads about this man it comes as no surprise to me at all. they were heralding all the bad things that were to come in the future..

 

i seriously don't understand why u r still with this person... baby, please.. get out of the relationship... from ur posts i understand that he has asked u to leave but i dunno if u have officially broken up with him... i know its so hard for u to break up with this man but for ur own emotional health and mental stability i think that's the best thing u can do now...

 

i think u r breaking down inside... please hold urself together... u can always come here for strength and support.. we will be ur rock!

 

big tight hug!

[clandestinidad]

Hey, Walk....I wasnt around the last day or so, but I've caught up on your situation, I think.

 

I'm so proud of you for packing up and moving on!!! I always remember the thread you started a while back, about your SO. I quoted a bunch of info and tried explaining how it pertained to your situation, but you really couldnt see it for yourself.

 

Here's that link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=68111

 

I really hope that you are able to see it as clearly as we all can. I strongly believe you've been beaten down and brainwashed into thinking that everything is b/c of you. He really expects someone to jump through his impossible hoops, and he does it to be controlling/abusive.

 

I wish you would be able to see it all for yourself, and I KNOW that you will soon after youve been able to step back from him and find yourself again. Please do not allow him to contact you for a while. You really need to form your own mind again, and not have his manipulations skewing it all.

 

We are all here for you. For hugs, listening hearts, advice, resources,...whatever you need to regain your strength and move ahead.

[Mary3]

Wow after reading all your posts I would say your bf ( former ) is PSYCHO ! Man... what a headache !

 

Good Riddance....honestly