Was my old friend just playing me all along?

[cygny]

I would appreciate some advice from the guys here so that I can understand what happened.

 

I had a set of 'interactions' with an old friend from college (knew him from 13 years ago). He was interested in me and vice-versa but problem was I was married. I never let anything happen while at university, we both respected the boundaries. Between 4-6 years ago, while I was separated/in the breaking-up on-and-off process with my (now ex) husband, this man made some overtures. But I wasn't comfortable with starting anything while still officially married, nor was I comfortable with the casual 'modern' way he approached me (ie he gave me his card and asked me to call him, and also suggested 'hooking up' instead of asking me to lunch etc.). I am pretty much an old-fashioned girl when it comes to courtship. A couple of background things: this guy is now in his 40's, never married, and i guess i would describe him as 'masculine' ie 'hard' and aggressive. he is also way up the food chain in the financial world and is quite wealthy. He was in London and I was in a city here in the USA where I had my second home.

 

To make a long story short, over the 3-year course of my separation and divorce I saw this guy a couple of times and we had some email contact which became very 'gamey'. He made special arrangements to go to an alumni dinner I was going to be at, and made a bunch of comments designed to show his interest in me. I felt I needed to protect myself emotionally and so I was pretty 'coy'--in fact, somewhat rude to him because I did not trust. He took it like I was playing games and came back with all this player BS back at me, but at the same time acted very interested. Our last face to face contact was in 2001 when he came to my city and we had lunch which was more like a job interview. Weeks later I got an email saying, in effect, come to London (after you are free). I could never tell for sure if he was just playing with me so I played it cool in my response without giving a clear answer, though I did plan to go anyway for my own career and see what would develop between us as a side note.

 

Fate intervened and my father got cancer later that year and eventually died in 2003 (I was nominated to take care of him so I did not go to london at that time--it also delayed my divorce). In addition I had difficult processes to go through with my brother and my mother afterwards and finally my divorce occured in late 2003, and I was completely drained emotionally, as well as my whole life was taken apart financially and business-wise. I had not contacted this old friend because I was going through so much crap and I didn't know what to say and I didn't even know if he was just playing with me. But the fact is that the possibility of this relationship and its potential (I had always been very attracted to him) sustained me through the difficult times I went through so instead of developing other relationships, I remained single and focused on getting to london and seeing whether there was anything real with this guy. I didn't expect anything or even that he would be available, I just wanted to know for sure. Either way, I was going to London for my career anyway.

 

Finally I felt strong enough and had enough of the rest of my life under control that I moved to London last July. When the bombs struck there I took the opportunity to email this old friend to ask if he was OK. He replied and said he was, and asked me if I was still in my old city. To make a long story short I went to London shortly thereafter to work on some projects. This old 'friend' used a bunch of player's techniques and tried to manipulate me into chasing him. I didn't fall for that, but I did make myself available for him to pursue me and I also made it clear that it was ok to be just friends and catch up. I was getting a weird vibe from him and told him that it was ok to cancel.

 

So, he was going to 'take' me to dinner on that Thursday night, and tricked me into giving him my address, phone number etc --but then emailed me that he was going cycling in the country and would sms me late that night, like after 10pm. Because of the way he said it, it seemed like more BS/headgames. It WAS more. I had mentioned that I hadn’t figured out my phone yet and I had said that because of work I had to be in at 11pm. So I changed my phone number, and blew him off because I thought he was blowing me off. He emailed me a few days later after the weekend to ask if I was still in town and I basically told him I thought he was a misogynistic psychopath and to f*ck off.

 

Truth be told, I think he is a total jerk, but I can't stop thinking that maybe the whole thing was a reaction on his part to my own rudeness in the beginning and then my not coming to London or contacting him after that lunch in 2001. I had always played it cool and he also never knew about my father and why the delay etc. So I wonder--Maybe he thought I had played him too and had blown him off earlier so was getting his revenge on me? The reason I wonder is that leading up to our lunch a few years ago he had 'paid me back' for every bit of rudeness, real or percieved, that I had shown him, and doubled it. Also I will add that he is extremely intelligent and analytical. To be blunt he plays headgames all day long, whether its money, sports etc. I honestly don't know if someone like that is even capable of a good relationship with a woman and that may explain his romantic history.

 

I wonder if there are some guys here who could give me their point of view on this experience. I already know that most women will say he is just a jerk, forget him and move on, and that is what I am doing but for future reference I would like to know what the guys think happened. Is he just an A**hole or did I screw up?

 

OK rationally I know this guy is just a player and that I was just naive and inexperienced enough to fall for it a little--but was there possibly anything more to it than that?

[whichwayisup]

So you never actually told him how you felt, really talked to him? And he didn't really talk to you or really open up with you either? I hate to say it, but you're both at fault here. You each fed off eachother's reactions, assumed and reacted even more.

 

I haven't a clue if the guy is an a-hole player or not, but your feelings seemed genuine for him...

[cygny]

I couldn't make my feelings known directly because I was married. Anyway I think that's the guy's perogative and I wouldn't have wanted to scare him off. My behavior came off as gamey, but it also showed interest. He seemed to take it as game-playing and so started one-upmanship, or maybe it was normal for him to be an a**hole player. (I know all the player's techniques because I had to research them for a book I was writing.)

 

In the last f-off email I told him that there had been events beyond my control and I couldn't explain anything because of being married. But by then I had decided that if he couldn't even talk to me first before taking revenge (if it WAS revenge and not just winning the player's game for sport) forget it, it would never work. So I blocked his email for a week. (I really felt quite humiliated). I don't know if he tried to contact me during that time but I doubt it.

 

I'm just wondering if its possible he was really interested me but his ego demanded he take revenge first. I don't intend to contact him again or anything, it's over for me, but I still am a little confused about what went down.

[cygny]

Anybody out there?

[Magister]

What is it that you want to know? If you want to have sex with this man, he probably won't turn you down. If you want to have an ongoing non-exclusive sexual relationship with him that will last a year, maybe two, he probably won't turn you down. If you want to marry him, he probably will turn you down.

 

Basically, if you want a relationship where you expect to have some say over what he does when you aren't with him, you need to move on.

[cygny]

Thanks for responding.

 

I guess what i wanted to know is whether he might have been just paying me back for the games he thought I was playing, and that perhaps his feelings for me were genuine. I told him at the lunch that I did not want to share, and he made it clear he expected me to be monogamous too, so I thought that by his sending me the email to come, he had accepted that condition?

 

maybe it was all a mindf*** on his part, or maybe he thought it was all a mindf*** on my part?

[loony]

I guess what i wanted to know is whether he might have been just paying me back for the games he thought I was playing, and that perhaps his feelings for me were genuine.

One thing I can't stand is this 'payback' mentality. Hurting someone you like, because that person hurt you is a crappy immature way of dealing with one's negative feelings. Maybe his feelings for you are genuine, but can you live with someone who is that immature? Who will pay you back for every little mistake you make? For every pain you cause him? Where is the kindness to forgive someone whom you like. He might have thought that you were playing games with him, but I still don't think it's an acceptable way to solve your problems with someone by being so passive-aggressive. Would you believe that this guy has the right attitude towards a romantic relationship?

 

maybe it was all a mindf*** on his part, or maybe he thought it was all a mindf*** on my part?

I don't understand why you didn't explain him the situation with your father. Maybe he was wondering and getting angry, because he thought you were playing games, but then why not explain it to him? You both are too old to play teenage games of mindreading or hide and seek.

 

In my opinion, if two people are too proud to admit mistakes or to open up to each other to discuss the problems between them, then they are not ready for a relationship with each other. There's still too much 'me, me, me' and to little of 'us' to make it work out.

[cygny]

One thing I can't stand is this 'payback' mentality. Hurting someone you like, because that person hurt you is a crappy immature way of dealing with one's negative feelings. Maybe his feelings for you are genuine, but can you live with someone who is that immature? Who will pay you back for every little mistake you make? For every pain you cause him? Where is the kindness to forgive someone whom you like. He might have thought that you were playing games with him, but I still don't think it's an acceptable way to solve your problems with someone by being so passive-aggressive. Would you believe that this guy has the right attitude towards a romantic relationship?

 

 

I don't understand why you didn't explain him the situation with your father. Maybe he was wondering and getting angry, because he thought you were playing games, but then why not explain it to him? You both are too old to play teenage games of mindreading or hide and seek.

 

In my opinion, if two people are too proud to admit mistakes or to open up to each other to discuss the problems between them, then they are not ready for a relationship with each other. There's still too much 'me, me, me' and to little of 'us' to make it work out.

 

I didn't explain to him about my father at the time of the illness because the way we had left it, we agreed there would be no 'involvement' until i was free. so no contact. also it would have assumed he was being genuine which i did not really know, it was 50/50 ie maybe just like now. and frankly, i was emotionally devastated about my dad and my divorce and just not up for anything romantic or emotional and didn't know when the whole thing would be over. as it was, it took a few years for it all to wash over and for me to get back on my feet. i didn't want to be in the position of stringing him along for an endless time, i wanted to show up on my own steam and strong.

 

i know what you mean about the payback mentality. i couldn't live with it. the only exception being that if he was doing it because he thought i was playing with his feelings. which is what i'm asking here. i don't expect that anyone can read his mind but maybe someone can give an idea as to what it would look like if they were in his shoes?

[loony]

I still think it would be good for your 'relationship' if you opened up a bit. Show him trust and hope that it will be reciprocated, otherwise you both won't be able to move further. I find being open about one's feeling helps to ease tensions and to help the other person relax, too. There's a risk for showing one's vulnerable side, but if it's with the right person it's worth it. If you really want him, take the risk. I think when someone says he doesn't want to do something in order not to look weak, in reality what he wants to say is that he is afraid of getting hurt when he reveals his weaknesses. I think it's ok to be weak sometimes, because it makes you human. Stand up for your feelings and show them to nhim, there's nothing bad about it.

 

I have no clue if he's a player or not, but by talking to him openly about your feelings you will achieve two things. You will find out if he's a player or not, if he is, you can move on without regrets. If he indeed was hurt, you can find a way to resolve the situations without all the mindguessing. I still say though, his behavior is very immature and even if you made the effort to talk with him, he might simply not be able to understand where you are coming from. He may not have reached the necessary level of empathy and maturity yet to understand you.

[cygny]

i already made my move (that showed interest unless the guy is brain-dead), then ended the contact when he pulled the last stunt, so it's over unless he contacts me somehow. however i just want to know what it looked like from his point of view. in case i was missing something, ya know?