Should l break with my fwb if he doesn't admit to his insulting comment ?

[Fleiss]

Hi. Sorry in advance for my long post.

My fwb and I (both males in our early 40s)  have known each other for 2 years. A few hours ago, l had an incident with him over the phone: 

 To begin with, l was all day rushing from one health facility to another to have some lab tests done/ sorted out prior to an intervention. To say that l got drained physically (and emotionally) is an understatement. By the end, l walked into this medical facility where my fwb turned out to be working  second shift  - he's a security guard at this hospital university center. While I didn't see him there, he called me a bit  later on the phone - while l was having coffee with a friend - saying that someone told him that my gait was  feminine, so l shouldn't talk to him (i.e. my fwb) if around. I responded fairly surprised and told him l would reach him later. 

I went into this health facility again, in the hope of meeting a doctor, and when heading out, l saw my fwb at the main entrance. Passing by him, I  slightly laughed at him, gaving him to understand that his comment was silly and inappropriate. His response/look was inappropriately serious and somewhat reproachful.

Following this, l sent him a message explaining how l had been rushing all day, feeling exhausted, which accounts for my "inappropriate" gait in his eyes. In addition, l told him that his comment was insulting, as a result. However, l didn't ask him to apologize. 

[I was also going to ask him: Why did you occassionally walk with me in the neighborhood to grab a coffee together if l wasn't masculine enough for you?!  But l let it go, for the moment..]

On a separate note, l consider myself to be normal and masculine enough, overall, whereas my fwb is more on the macho side, maybe this also to hide his gay activity-- he states he's more into women. 

With me knowing that he's pretty set in his ways, and me always putting my foot down when he would be inappropriate, am I right to feel offended and break up with him if he doesn't admit to his improper comment?  

Thanks. 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Fleiss said:

On a separate note, l consider myself to be normal and masculine enough, overall, whereas my fwb is more on the macho side, maybe this also to hide his gay activity-- he states he's more into women. 

It seems pretty obvious to me that he didn't want anyone in the workplace to realize he has romantic interludes with men, and he chose to insult you to keep you away from him. It was very disrespectful of him. 

I personally wouldn't wait for him to admit to anything - I would simply be done with him. He's rude. 

[Fleiss]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It seems pretty obvious to me that he didn't want anyone in the workplace to realize he has romantic interludes with men, and he chose to insult you to keep you away from him. It was very disrespectful of him. 

I personally wouldn't wait for him to admit to anything - I would simply be done with him. He's rude. 

Thanks for your input. Well, as l stated in the post, l didn't see him when l first entered into the facility- but he had apparently seen me. So, how could I "ruin" his reputation without meeting/talking with him?!  

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Fleiss said:

Thanks for your input. Well, as l stated in the post, l didn't see him when l first entered into the facility- but he had apparently seen me. So, how could I "ruin" his reputation without meeting/talking with him?!  

His fear may be illogical, but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel it.  

An admission of his words or an apology means nothing if it's forced.  I suggest you just distance yourself from him.

[Fleiss]

28 minutes ago, basil67 said:

His fear may be illogical, but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel it.  

An admission of his words or an apology means nothing if it's forced.  I suggest you just distance yourself from him.

Thanks for the advice. How can he feel his fear when l don't know his friends, nor his colleagues?!  They don't  know me either. Plus, as l said earlier, we have walked/spent time in a café in my neighborhood a few times before. So, how come he tolerated my "insufficient masculinity" then?! 

It's been 5 and half hours since l sent him the message, and no response on his part . 

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, Fleiss said:

How can he feel his fear when l don't know his friends, nor his colleagues?! 

Perhaps it wasn't fear.  Maybe he's annoyed with you

[Fleiss]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Perhaps it wasn't fear.  Maybe he's annoyed with you

Well, maybe. And I am baffled, also given that he hasn't responded to my message yet. 

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, Fleiss said:

Well, maybe. And I am baffled, also given that he hasn't responded to my message yet. 

Not everything in life makes sense.  All you can do is keep your distance.  Either move on or wait and see if he reaches out to you and tries to make things better

[NuevoYorko]

You seem pretty wrapped up in this guy considering that you are supposedly only casual sex partners.  The comment about your gait being feminine is lame.  I guess he thinks you "look gay" and he doesn't want anyone thinking that he might be gay himself.   It's actually none of his business who you speak to or, actually, what conclusions other people draw on their own.  

Maybe it's time to offload this complicated situation.

[Fleiss]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

You seem pretty wrapped up in this guy considering that you are supposedly only casual sex partners.  The comment about your gait being feminine is lame.  I guess he thinks you "look gay" and he doesn't want anyone thinking that he might be gay himself.   It's actually none of his business who you speak to or, actually, what conclusions other people draw on their own.  

Maybe it's time to offload this complicated situation.

Thanks for your comment. You're right - he deemed my  "gay" presence there as dangerous for him.

Now that you're mentioned it, l should told him in the message that his comment was lame rather than insulting. This because he might have thought that by "hurting" me he appeased his irrational fear. 

[MsJayne]

He's acting like you walked up and smooched him. I'd be giving this guy a big miss, it's never easy hanging out with someone who lies about who they are. 

[Fleiss]

11 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

He's acting like you walked up and smooched him. I'd be giving this guy a big miss, it's never easy hanging out with someone who lies about who they are. 

You're right, I wasn't going to hug him, even if I had seen him. I guess he feels like a high achiever in being recently recruited by a better security company. Hence, his cockiness in uniform yesterday. 

 

[MsJayne]

12 minutes ago, Fleiss said:

I guess he feels like a high achiever in being recently recruited by a better security company.

Maybe so, but it's no excuse. Seriously, someone needs to tell him where to shove his security guard baton  .

[Fleiss]

45 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Maybe so, but it's no excuse. Seriously, someone needs to tell him where to shove his security guard baton  .

Exactly

While he hasn't responded to my message yet, l feel caught between a rock and a hard place because he fulfills me sexually. On the other hand, l don't like to tolerate his arrogance. I feel like sending him this message, as well: 

"Hey, where are stationed today? Because l will be having a banner which reads: 'l have had sex with you '  Your behavior yesterday was completely out of place. Thus, though l initially felt insulted by your comment, l should in fact feel sorry for you having acted like someone living in an outlandish village." 

Then consider the whole thing ended. Is this second message necessary? 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, Fleiss said:

Then consider the whole thing ended. Is this second message necessary? 

No. It looks quite immature on your part, actually. 

Just tell him that you don't want to continue with him anymore. Leave out the dramatics. Walk away head high. 

[basil67]

Definitely don’t send the message. Take on the roll of mature adult who is absolutely fine without him

[MsJayne]

10 hours ago, Fleiss said:

 Is this second message necessary? 

No, resist the temptation. He’s not worth the effort of typing.