My silly little love life

[RZA-Man]

This site is absolutely awesome. The advice dispensed here has helped me get over a really rough time in my life. Anyway, here’s my situation. I dated this girl for 8 month. We were in love with each other and everyone thought we were a great couple. Then she dumped me (OVER THE PHONE) two days before Thanksgiving. She said I was insecure and didn’t trust her. Most importantly she said that her feelings had changed and that she didn’t love me anymore. Needless to say I was absolutely devastated. Now there were some problems in the relationship and I acted stupidly at times which consisted of me getting mad at her over minor things, but both of us eventually made up. However, these incidents didn’t occur all too often and for the most part our relationship was fine. So I was devastated by what happened. I loved this girl; she said she loved me back. In the aftermath of the dumping I was at a loss. I drank with my friends and tried to go out as much as possible. The one thing my friends told me to do was to keep cold turkey which is basically the infamous doctrine of no contact. Maintaining NC was a challenge and I found myself struggling to keep it. Yet, there was a benefit to it. A week after I got dumped my ex didn’t call me but she did call one of my female friends. According to my friend my ex was crying, wondering how I was doing, what I hadn't called (??), and was debating whether or not to call me. My friend suggested to my ex that she call me. I was pleased by this news and it strengthened my resolve to maintain NC.

Alas, I got weak . After 18 days of doing NC, I called my ex. We talked for 35 minutes. The conversation was friendly and no mention was made about our relationship or the breakup. I ended the call and everything seemed ok. But a funny thing happened. I actually ended up feeling worse! As bad as I was feeling, keeping NC had given me a chance to heal to some extent. Although I felt good about having a friendly chat with my ex, I felt worse because I didn’t get any answers about the breakup and my ex acted like everything was ok! To compound matters, my ex had told me as soon as she answered the phone that she was just thinking of when to call me! If I had held off, I could have had some sort of advantage instead of giving in to her and looking needy.

Instead of learning my lesson and vowing the keep NC, I contacted her a few more times. The next time I contacted her was a call to set up a meeting. The catalyst that prompted me to contact her was the anger and hurt (in addition to anger and hurt I felt over getting dumped) that I felt when she neglected to call me on my b-day. It was probably stupid of me to think she’d call me but I was really hurt. Anyway, I called her and set up a meeting to which she agreed. Unfortunately she worked near me so we met at a bar close to the both of us. In my mind, I wanted to meet her in order to get some answers about the break up which would help me get closure. So we met and after some polite chit chat, I let her have it. I blasted her (I didn’t yell or make a scene, but spoke in a level voice) for being a callous and cold. In particular I was angry at the fact she dumped me over the phone, the fact she hasn’t called me since the break up, and that she didn’t call me on my b-day. It was quite cathartic and ended in her sobbing and apologizing. Eventually I gave her some tissues to dry her tears and we talked calmly about what went wrong in the relationship. This allowed us to get some things off our chests. The night she dumped me we agreed to be friends, but now I had changed my mind and made it know I was an all or nothing guy and didn’t want to be friends. Personally, I don’t think one can be friends with an ex when one of them still wants to be lovers. Anyway, she said didn’t regret her decision and didn’t want me back. The night ended with her initiating a hug and the both of us parting ways.

I regret breaking NC but I did find that talk helpful. Unfortunately I broke NC two more times. I sent her a Merry X-mas text (she responded). The final time (so far) was an e-mail. The e-mail was my “Hail Mary” pass. I wanted to get everything off my chest before the New Year (yeah, I’m a little superstitious) and told her I was sorry for some things I did to piss her off in our relationship and although I respected her decision to breakup, I wanted her to give me a second chance. It didn’t totally beg her for to take me back, but I did lay it all on the line. My ex responded by saying she was sorry for the pain she caused me, felt bad about the way the break up went down, but she felt she had made the right decision about dumping me. SIGH.

Well, it’s back to NC for me. I know I broke it before but I’m serious this time. I got some closure but I’d still kind of upset. Even though I accept her apologies I’m mad that she only apologized after I essentially chased her for answers and the fact she hasn’t checked on me still hurts. The main thing that still bugs me is the abruptness of the breakup. She never gave me a chance to try to work things out. We were in love and for her to do that sucks. But she said her feelings changed and I know there's nothing I can do to change that I guess here's where I am right now: I know she’s gone from my life and I might never see her gain, but should I hold out hope that she might want me back? I’m dead serious about NC and I know the point of NC is to move on, but is it wrong to have some hope? In addition to NC I’m making steps to improve my life. I've rekindled old friendships, I’m making more plans with my friends to keep busy, going to the gym, and even trying to meet new girls though friends. I’m not sitting at home and waiting for her to call, but a part of wants to have hope. The way I see it, if I’m taking steps to move on then in the long run having some hope isn’t bad? Is it? Thanks in advance!

[notmakingsense]

Hey RZA -- I think you are in a good place. Even though you have a little inner hope left, you've been through a real solid "closing" process with your ex. This sets you up pretty well to move past it.

 

Consider yourself more fortunate than those of us that never had those final discussions with our exes.... I'm one of them. Although I know the reasons that it didn't work out, the end of our relationship started with her not communicating with me. No breakup talk. I had to write her an e-mail telling here that I was finished having a relationship with someone who didn't want to communicate or be close.

 

So now, I'm in a limbo. I'm trying to provide my own closure -- but it is painful, and it will take much longer for me I think.

 

So, once again -- use your knowledge that the outcome of your talks with her -- and your note to her -- did not result in her coming back -- and consider that "finality" as a blessing.

[RZA-Man]

Thanks notmakingsense. I guess compared to many people on this site I have it relatively easy I'm sorry for you and others who had to deal with callous people who made no effort to provide you with some closure. My question still stands though: Is it a good idea to have some hope for reconciliation while moving on? Like I said I'm keeping NC, getting my life together. and trying to meet new people but at the same time still leaving the door a little open for her to come back. Your thoughts folks?

[notmakingsense]

I'd advise against leaving the door open, if that also means that you are continuing to think about the possibility. This will hold you back from moving on and letting others fully in to your life. If she comes back around before you have committed yourself again, well, I guess there's always a chance, but put yourself in a mental state that assumes that it isn't a possibility

[RZA-Man]

That's probably the best thing to do, but it's awfully tough. I know I should assume she'll never come back, and honestly by the way she's acted I really have no reason to think she'll ever do so. I'll try to get the thought of reconciliation out of my mind while still moving on. Every day I think of her less and I figure once I meet someone new, I'll be on my way to being over her. I'm wondering though, from what I hear, doesn't the ex always make an appearance once you get over them?

[RZA-Man]

I was also wondering: what's the best way to get over someone? I know NC and NOT pining over them helps, but anything else? My buddy suggested just going out there and dating as many girls as possible. Honestly I'm not quite emotionally ready, but I can't put my life on hold either.

[Geoffrey]

Part of me wants my ex back....and another part of me doesn't....right now the door is closed, but not locked....and the one who has the key....is ME...

[In Sync]

I actually have come to the conclusion there is no way to beat the system. Aside from NC, we can't rush something our hearts and mind do simultaneously. We can go on dates and for some it works but often that only makes us think about the ex's even more, which indicates we still have unfinished business in our recovery. Lierally, living everyday fully is the best.

What more can you do, outside of hypnosis? Hey that's an idea!

[meltwithme]

Every day I think of her less and I figure once I meet someone new, I'll be on my way to being over her.

The more things you do and more people you meet you will start to realize that she was special to you, but she isn't the only one and you will find another lasy that you feel the same about again.

 

I'm wondering though, from what I hear, doesn't the ex always make an appearance once you get over them?

That's your hope talking but the beauty of that statement is you can kinda trick yourself, yup...

If you start wanting to call or whatever you can tell yourself "well self, the best way to get her to come back is to be completely over her" think of it as a way of taking control of your own mind forcing yourself to just not care anymore. Then when you actually do get over her, you won't give a damn if it makes her come back or not.

[RZA-Man]

Thanks for the input guys. Maybe I am holding out a little hope, but I am also starting to see that it might not be the best thing. My thoughts fluctuate between missing her and remembering all the mean, selfish things she did. Moreover, the way she treated me during and after the break up has opened my eyes to the fact that she's actually a really callous person and not the sweet girl I thought she was. It's funny how we can desire those who hurt us so much and are unworthy of our love

[RZA-Man]

So far it's been 15 days of NC for me. It's tough but surprisingly with each passing day it gets a little a bit easier. I find my self thinking about my ex a little bit less, problems in the relationship are becoming clearer, and I'm starting to realize that my ex isn't the perfect person I think she is. What helps me keep NC is the knowledge of how badly she treated me since the breakup. I was so in love with this girl that I was willing to subjugate my pride and dignity in an attempt to win her back. What did she do? She trampled over my heart and treated me in a callous manner that showed she has little regard for my feelings. NC is allowing me to reclaim my dignity and prove to myself that I don't need this person. However, I do want a second chance - but not with her. My second chance at love will be with someone else