notmakingsense Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 Its been a few months of no contact after a 2-year on-again/off-again relationship. I definitely am not over her yet, but the periods of thinking about her are a little fewer and further between. I find that I think about her the most when looking at other couples or women -- it reminds me of what has been lost -- or perhaps more accurately -- what was never meant to be. When we stopped contact, things were just left hanging. She hadn't been returning calls, and I finally broke down and wrote her a break-up e-mail. I suspect another man is in the picture, but that is just symptomatic of her reluctance to commit to me. Anyway, today my cell-phone (on vibrate) rang during a movie I was at with my kids. It came up "restricted". I only know one other person besides her that has a restricted number, and that other person rarely calls me. Of course, I could not answer during a movie.... but Oh man, you should have felt my heart-rate as it went up immensly and my mind began to race. I was soooo stressed out and literally can't even remember anything that happened in the movie once getting that call. It was a very unique feeling -- a flash of elation that it might be her calling to recoonect along with a feeling of panic that she may finally be getting the guts to tell me to my face why she treated me so badly at the end. After the movie, I picked up my messages -- and it wasn't her -- so my stress immediately changed into depression.... Anyway, as you can tell, I'm just venting. It amazes me just how far I have yet to go before I will be healed of the pain that this relationship has caused me. My original goal was to stay out of relationships for a long while -- focus on myself -- trying to derive confidence in myself without requiring validation from a beautiful woman. Now I'm scared and don't know if I can accomplish that -- I feel so low and depressed again. Back to square one. Thanks for listening to me vent. I do have one question: I have this desire to write out all of the things that hurt me about this relationship and send it to her. I know the advice here is against that -- and instead, I should just write the note and either not send it or post it here. But, what if you feel that you never adequately expressed it to her? I know that this won't change anything, but somehow sending it to her feels like it would be more rewarding than keeping it to myself.
sanne Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 DO NOT write her anything or make any contact at all. I'm in the same boat as you, I found out somethings about her that I just could not handle and went back to feeling sad and depressed. The sad thing is I'm seeing someone else right now and I still feel this way. I don't know what's wrong with me to be honest. What I do know is that I can't contact my ex anymore and neither should you. We can't live in the past, it will only destroy us. We have to let go of our anger, hurt, despair, and sadness and just let them go in our hearts. I love my ex for the person she was, even with all her faults, but I know I have to let go of her in my heart otherwise I will never be able to move on.
Author notmakingsense Posted January 8, 2006 Author Posted January 8, 2006 DO NOT write her anything or make any contact at all. I'm in the same boat as you, I found out somethings about her that I just could not handle and went back to feeling sad and depressed. The sad thing is I'm seeing someone else right now and I still feel this way. I don't know what's wrong with me to be honest. What I do know is that I can't contact my ex anymore and neither should you. We can't live in the past, it will only destroy us. We have to let go of our anger, hurt, despair, and sadness and just let them go in our hearts. I love my ex for the person she was, even with all her faults, but I know I have to let go of her in my heart otherwise I will never be able to move on. Yeah -- I know that's the usual advice here. I guess I'll take the time to write the note and post it here -- I need some sort of release! I definitely DO NOT want to find out about what she's up to right now.... although I believe that there is another man in the picture, I don't want to know about it -- the thought of that still sends me reeling. At least, as it is, I can delude myself into thinking she isn't with someone else yet. It isn't encouraging to hear that your dating others hasn't wiped out the old feelings. Somhow, I think it will be the same for me -- as I can honestly say that I haven't met anyone who has impacted me as deeply as she has -- and I'm in my early 40's, have been married, and in a few serious relationships besides her! Sure, it has hurt in the past -- but not as badly as this, and not for as long either. I really loved this woman....
sanne Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 well i guess i just haven't found that right person yet. the person i'm with is great, she's amazing to me and just a wonderful person, but I don't feel the same way about her as I did with my ex. my ex was my first love, i don't know maybe first loves will always be special compared to the rest. but maybe i just need to truly let go of my ex in order to experience that kind of love again.
Author notmakingsense Posted January 8, 2006 Author Posted January 8, 2006 That's a tough one. I've read both kinds of advice here.... don't date until you are over her or date (not seriously) to get over her. I suppose that you should at least make sure that things don't get serious, because otherwise you'd be in danger of really hurting this new gal. I NEVER want to hurt anyone like my exgf has hurt me. As for myself, I can't imagine what will be distracting enough to get my mind off of her. At my age, all my friends are married, with kids, off into their routines -- not much room for a single man in a couples' oriented social system. This is going to be tough.
sanne Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 i would never ever hurt a woman the way in which my ex hurt me. i don't know how any human being could do that to someone else, especially if they have experienced it first hand. i really just don't trust my heart anymore, it seems to be pulling me in so many different directions. maybe it's my big ego, i just can't believe that there is someone out there my ex wants more than me. love is a complicated thing, i honestly can't explain it.
sick of it Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 i typed this in another thread but, if your first love is so special...how do you ever settle for something less than that feeling? im not stupid...everyone has a first love, but how does that wonderful feeling (or what was a wonderful feling) go away?
sanne Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 that's a good question, I think it's not about settling for something less but realizing that you have something different than what you once had. i guess you just have to keep faith that there is a person out there for you who will eventually get you to stop thinking about your ex.
Author notmakingsense Posted January 8, 2006 Author Posted January 8, 2006 You'll get that feeling again -- trust me It is different in that you have been there before, but it is just as powerful and rewarding. If this is your first, I'm assuming you are quite young. As your experience grows, you will understand more all of the different dynamics (and maturity) that is necessary to make a relationship last.
sick of it Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 im 23. my first gf of 5.5 years broke up with me at the beginning of the summer. of course i thought we were going to be togetehr forever. we went through high school and separate colleges. family issues, surgery, car accidents, big trips. i thought we'd been through a lot.
Delicaterose00 Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 " You lived without her before you met her, you can live now" What you had you think is great... well, there is something even greater out there.. ok, your ex was great, but there is greater..... Think of all the things that you didnt like..... and yes, start thinking about you, right now you can be slefish! lol... do stuff you couldnt do with her.... try things you didnt try with her.... and, if your ego is shot.... then maybe dating other girls would be good for you, it will make you feel desireable again, it did for me....
In Sync Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 Anyway, today my cell-phone (on vibrate) rang during a movie I was at with my kids. It came up "restricted". I only know one other person besides her that has a restricted number, and that other person rarely calls me. Of course, I could not answer during a movie.... but Oh man, you should have felt my heart-rate as it went up immensly and my mind began to race. I was soooo stressed out and literally can't even remember anything that happened in the movie once getting that call. It was a very unique feeling -- a flash of elation that it might be her calling to recoonect along with a feeling of panic that she may finally be getting the guts to tell me to my face why she treated me so badly at the end. After the movie, I picked up my messages -- and it wasn't her -- so my stress immediately changed into depression.... You need to do something about that phone, because you will be in perpetual anxiety everytime that happens...how is that resourceful for you being on pins and needles when you see "restricted" number ? You are no where near over her, so the little jolts you get by the phone are in no way helping you. And please don't even think about writing her...
Author notmakingsense Posted January 8, 2006 Author Posted January 8, 2006 Thanks everyone for responding.... you are all a great help. I'm a bit depressed that I'm not further along by now, and maybe Delicate is right -- I may have to date a little to help rebuild my ego/self-esteem. I think I'm going to write the note, but yeah Cali -- I won't send it.
CaliGuy Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 Thanks everyone for responding.... you are all a great help. I'm a bit depressed that I'm not further along by now, and maybe Delicate is right -- I may have to date a little to help rebuild my ego/self-esteem. I think I'm going to write the note, but yeah Cali -- I won't send it. Read my thread about letting go. It's important to do so. It speeds the healing process and gives control of your life back to you. The longer you hang on, the longer it takes to heal and you give the ex all the power. Take it back.
meltwithme Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 I do have one question: I have this desire to write out all of the things that hurt me about this relationship and send it to her. I know the advice here is against that -- and instead, I should just write the note and either not send it or post it here. But, what if you feel that you never adequately expressed it to her? I know that this won't change anything, but somehow sending it to her feels like it would be more rewarding than keeping it to myself. Please mate, don't do this. I can tell you so many reasons why not to but it's not going to make any difference if your mind is set on writing it, my advice is just don't do it please please just trust me mate it wont change anything and think about it like this: if a call which u don't even know was her or not is making you feel depressed, think how bad you will feel pouring your heart out to some girl to have her ignore you, be stronger man, you will thank yourself later if you are.
Author notmakingsense Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 Please mate, don't do this. I can tell you so many reasons why not to but it's not going to make any difference if your mind is set on writing it, my advice is just don't do it please please just trust me mate it wont change anything and think about it like this: if a call which u don't even know was her or not is making you feel depressed, think how bad you will feel pouring your heart out to some girl to have her ignore you, be stronger man, you will thank yourself later if you are. Thanks Melt -- so far, I haven't done this -- and I know you are right. Perhaps I'll just post here to help make me feel better.
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