She said dating is 'too much' right now, how do I proceed?

[Lamron300]

Hi,

I hope you’re all well.

I got a little bit of a jolt/shock on Friday. I had been dating a woman since September. It was going ‘well’. On the fourth date she asked me if she was my girlfriend. I mean I thought that was early so I said we are ‘dating’, I’m not seeing anyone else and I’m not on the apps, but I didn’t say we were in a relationship. She seemed fine with it. We went on 5 or 6 more dates from that point. Prior to this she had said on third date I feel like we have been dating for a long time, let’s go on holiday together!
 

She recently went on holiday for 6 days and she was in a foreign country and continent so I didn’t read into the fact she wasn’t speaking much or at all. She came back last Sunday and said she had missed me. We arranged to go to the cinema which we had talked about for a while. It was nice, we basically had the screen to ourselves. We then went back to my house to relax. 
 

Day after she was very quiet not messaging at all, barely spoke on WhatsApp. I felt tense and knew something was off as she would usually message frequently.  She wasn’t even going on WhatsApp. I didn’t message as I felt that my messages weren’t being read or engaged with so didn’t want to seem to be chasing or pressuring. 
 

On Friday after barely speaking in 48 hours she called me. I told her I was worried as barely heard from her. She said she had been working. She said what she wanted to talk to me about is she feels too much is going on right now and she has too much on her mind. Or words to that effect. She can’t do the relationship anymore and her mind isn’t in it. I was speechless but not surprised as communication had reduced and people tend to do that prior to an ending. 
 

Anyway, to summarise, I was left confused and angry. Confused as she almost ‘lovebombed’ me at the beginning of dating and then completely changes in space of 24/48 hours? Angry as we were meeting up once a week and nothing too onerous so I don’t know how us dating added to the problems she is having. I know a family friend of hers died in September, so we stopped talking on the app and I gave her space and she came back to me to start talking again. She also didn’t a university grade she desired. 
 

Prior to me dating her I had another woman end things suddenly (I wasn’t too upset as it 3 dates in 2 weeks). But again, it was very sudden. After physical intimacy on numerous occasion. I am struggling with how to proceed in dating. Taking it slow doesn’t work, going fast doesn’t work. How would you deal with this?

[Gebidozo]

24 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

How would you deal with this?

I’d accept that people are free to do such things whenever they want to. I don’t think it’s about you going too slow or too fast. It’s just that those women tried something, it didn’t work out for whatever reason, they stopped dating you, end of story.

Maybe, if such things happened too many times, I’d ask for an explanation, and I’d discover something I was doing wrong repeatedly. But most of the time, it’s just happening. There are so many personalized turn-offs and incompatibility issues, I wouldn’t get too upset about them. Maybe your sexual chemistry with those women was just average. Maybe you voiced an opinion that completely turned them off. Maybe they figured you weren’t spiritually, intellectually, ethically compatible. Don’t think too much about this and move on, keep trying until you find a woman who is genuinely into you.

[introverted1]

38 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

After physical intimacy on numerous occasion.

Do you mean this generically, as in the relationship had progressed to sex and was then ended?  Or is it more proximate, ie, after 1-3 times of sex the woman called it off?

[Gaeta]

53 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I got a little bit of a jolt/shock on Friday. I had been dating a woman since September. It was going ‘well’. On the fourth date she asked me if she was my girlfriend. I mean I thought that was early so I said we are ‘dating’, I’m not seeing anyone else and I’m not on the apps, but I didn’t say we were in a relationship. She seemed fine with it. We went on 5 or 6 more dates from that point. Prior to this she had said on third date I feel like we have been dating for a long time, let’s go on holiday together!

I am not seeing her lovebombing you, I am seeing a woman that needed some reassurance that she was not investing her time in someone not relationship oriented. am I your gf or we should go on a trip were all attempts to get closer to you. And you kept her at arms length. If a man does not make me his girlfriend after 10 dates, I would head out too. 

What was such a big deal to call her your girlfriend? It's not a marriage, it's dating. 

 

[Lamron300]

19 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I’d accept that people are free to do such things whenever they want to. I don’t think it’s about you going too slow or too fast. It’s just that those women tried something, it didn’t work out for whatever reason, they stopped dating you, end of story.

Maybe, if such things happened too many times, I’d ask for an explanation, and I’d discover something I was doing wrong repeatedly. But most of the time, it’s just happening. There are so many personalized turn-offs and incompatibility issues, I wouldn’t get too upset about them. Maybe your sexual chemistry with those women was just average. Maybe you voiced an opinion that completely turned them off. Maybe they figured you weren’t spiritually, intellectually, ethically compatible. Don’t think too much about this and move on, keep trying until you find a woman who is genuinely into you.

It would make sense if things were sort of grounded, I wouldn’t even think twice about it. Many things have ended or first dates not gone onto a second. This is different. She was the one making all the moves and taking things fast. Asking to be bf/gf on fourth date and to book a holiday together on third date. Sexually things were intense too. She was getting me gifts on third date. I don’t doubt she has ‘problems’ and things on her mind but if we were just friends, I doubt you would just cut something off like that. Basically implying interacting with me is a burden I feel I have wasted my time and would be too many characters to detail everything here. I do feel quite resentful towards her as she could’ve just said earlier and gave no indication. We were actually supposed to meet up the day she called it off but I was busy. 
 

Same thing happened with another woman in early part of September. She was all ‘ I can’t wait to see you again etc’ had sex twice in 5 days and then ‘ I feel bad I don’t know why I don’t seem to have the connection with you I hoped for’. I don’t know but I’ve never had sex with someone frequently and it not gone anywhere. 

[Lamron300]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am not seeing her lovebombing you, I am seeing a woman that needed some reassurance that she was not investing her time in someone not relationship oriented. am I your gf or we should go on a trip were all attempts to get closer to you. And you kept her at arms length. If a man does not make me his girlfriend after 10 dates, I would head out too. 

What was such a big deal to call her your girlfriend? It's not a marriage, it's dating. 

 

You misread. It wasn’t after ten dates, it was after 4 dates! We went on ten dates in total. I can’t call someone my girlfriend after four dates, I don’t know you that well. 

[Gaeta]

Just now, Lamron300 said:

You misread. It wasn’t after ten dates, it was after 4 dates! We went on ten dates in total. I can’t call someone my girlfriend after four dates, I don’t know you that well. 

My point was you had 10 dates and still did not want to call her your girlfriend right?

[Lamron300]

Just now, Gaeta said:

My point was you had 10 dates and still did not want to call her your girlfriend right?

Yes, because I had doubts. She is 22, I am 31. I wouldn’t usually date someone younger and haven’t before, but she seemed mature in what she wanted for her career etc and didn’t seem weird as I thought it would. If someone has a problem or problems and then basically ditch me like I’m part of the issue, I wouldn’t want them to be my gf. My issue or question is going forward I want to be reserved, this could’ve messed me up really badly but I expect the worst of people, so I’m not surprised, just angry. I kind of want to prevent his happening again, I’m bad at gauging people.

[Lamron300]

25 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Do you mean this generically, as in the relationship had progressed to sex and was then ended?  Or is it more proximate, ie, after 1-3 times of sex the woman called it off?

Timeline. Meet girl 1 beginning of September, things are a whirlwind. First date in a wine bar, nice conversation etc, she drops me back to my car. I go for a kiss. Many messages exchanged, date two, do an activity, the bar was bad and kicked us out as they had no customers. Went back to my house, had lovely chat, ended up having sex. Date 3 went out for a nice meal, ended up at her place, end up having sex. Next morning acting different and then in evening around 8pm ‘ I know this is out of the blue but for some reason I feel bad as I don’t have the connection I hoped to have with you’

End of September meet girl 2. Speak on app and then I give her space as a family friend of hers died. She reinstates contact after around ten days.  It’s a whirlwind. Dinner dates, dog walking. She is asking to be my gf date four, got me a gift date 3 and says we should book a holiday together. We are having sex 3/4 times a date at this point. She goes on holiday. Comes back we go to see a movie, go back to my place chill and have sex for the final two times. She asks me to let her know if I’m free on Friday. From this point I don’t hear much from her and get worried about her wellbeing. Then on Friday she calls me and says it’s too much right now and she’s all over the place or words to that effect. In total, ten dates I believe. 

[Gaeta]

You had the same problem back in September, you date women you don't really feel a connection with. There was this woman who threw herself at you, cooking for you and all, and you kept on dating her even if you didn't feel a connection. You were on your way to do the exact same to this woman here. 

The situation is you are not ready to seriously date someone, you're just interested in casual dating and you should only meet women looking to casually date. 

[Sony12]

Yes this lady was clearly looking for something more serious than just dating. I suggest you be more open with women about what you are looking for or at least date women who probably wouldn't want to become serious with you.

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

The situation is you are not ready to seriously date someone, you're just interested in casual dating and you should only meet women looking to casually date. 

I am only looking to date seriously. It’s been a weird/bad year in terms of dating. Earlier this year I went on 15 dates with a woman, no sex, I didn’t feel chemistry and just stopped speaking.

The most recent woman I liked her a lot, but I like to be cautious. I don’t know about someone, just because we have spent time together. What are their values? What is there family like? What are they like around friends etc? If our ‘relationship’ was too much right now with the things she has going on/problems, if I did say yes we are bf/gf wouldn’t have made any difference. It is kind of selfish to just think of herself, what if I was devastated right now? I mean I am kinda upset, but mostly angry. Doesn’t make sense to go from 100% to 0%. You have to remember she initiated contact on the app, she reinstated contact after mourning etc. I was sure to be level and not feeling overwhelmed. It would make sense if I was doing the lovebombing and she needed space right now, but it was the other way round! Maybe as she is 22 she isn’t great with dealing with emotions and I’m looking to much into it. I’m just trying to get insights for the future. 

[Lamron300]

14 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Yes this lady was clearly looking for something more serious than just dating. I suggest you be more open with women about what you are looking for or at least date women who probably wouldn't want to become serious with you.

I did want to become ‘serious’ but wanted to get to know her more. It had been a relatively short time. I need to know about peoples mental state/what’s going on in their head or things just blow up like this. She literally went from 150% to 0% in a few days. I like to keep detached because of situations like this. It wasn’t because I wasn’t serious enough about her, I don’t think she can separate or control her emotions. 

[Sony12]

Just now, Lamron300 said:

I did want to become ‘serious’ but wanted to get to know her more. It had been a relatively short time. I need to know about peoples mental state/what’s going on in their head or things just blow up like this. She literally went from 150% to 0% in a few days. I like to keep detached because of situations like this. It wasn’t because I wasn’t serious enough about her, I don’t think she can separate or control her emotions. 

Well you said you had been on a fourth date with her by the time she asked that question. For most people that is plenty of time to decide if you want to be a gf or a bf. Most people will have slept together by that point.

You probably need to tell them that you like to move slowly.

[Gaeta]

53 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

If our ‘relationship’ was too much right now with the things she has going on/problems, if I did say yes we are bf/gf wouldn’t have made any difference.

Women are all about connections. If you accept to date a woman exclusively but do not invest a bit of feelings into it then she won't connect. She will feel it's a one way relationship and she will find an excuse and breakup. No woman will date a man that keeps her at arms length for weeks and months. 

Your problem is, you do not want to invest anything into a woman you date until she gives you the guarantee she has no flaws. And your problem is also when you see their flaws you stand by and keep on dating them anyway without building any attachment. 

You're not ready to date. 

[NuevoYorko]

I've responded to your posts before.  This is the way it goes when you do not give a person the information they need to know that you are truly invested in building a relationship with them.

In the past you've continued to "multi-date" during these earlier weeks, which for sure was sabotaging anything happening with any of the women.   

You are very self protective.  That is not going to work.  You can't have everything all organized and lined up before you offer some vulnerability to another person.  It doesn't work that way.   The other person wants to have a strong sense that things are progressing.  

Men are the same way.  YOU are.  You are waiting for the women you date to make you feel absolutely secure when you are not willing to do the same for them.

In this case - 22 is pretty young.   She might not be ready.  But, it sounds like the typical story.  10 dates and no sense of commitment - the other person is correct to cut and run.

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, Sony12 said:

Well you said you had been on a fourth date with her by the time she asked that question. For most people that is plenty of time to decide if you want to be a gf or a bf. Most people will have slept together by that point.

You probably need to tell them that you like to move slowly.

That isn’t enough time for me. I have been on up to four dates with many women. I would have been in numerous relationships if that is a cut off point. It’s a moot point anyway, she accepted what I said and how I said it. I told her I’m only into her, and if her friend asked her what our status is, to say we are dating. That isn’t really unclear or half-baked. I’d be happy with that after four dates. 

[Lamron300]

34 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Women are all about connections. If you accept to date a woman exclusively but do not invest a bit of feelings into it then she won't connect. She will feel it's a one way relationship and she will find an excuse and breakup. No woman will date a man that keeps her at arms length for weeks and months. 

Your problem is, you do not want to invest anything into a woman you date until she gives you the guarantee she has no flaws. And your problem is also when you see their flaws you stand by and keep on dating them anyway without building any attachment. 

You're not ready to date. 

I had concerns about her, mostly concerning her age and they were right, which was my hesitancy. When I was 22 I wasn’t equipped to date in a serious fashion. But I really liked her personality and there was a great attraction so I went against my judgement. I feel that she can’t handle her emotions and it shows in the exuberance to nihilist swing, in a relatively short space of time. 
 

I don’t want or expect a woman with no flaws, but there are things which I would prefer to avoid as it would be a problem down the line. I am a very straightforward person to get along with. I don’t play games. I do like to know why someone wants to be with me or likes me though. If you ask am I your bf because you’re worried I may be seeing other people, isn’t a good reason. If you ask because you’re enamored with me and want a future that’s something else. I mean it is fair enough for me to want to figure out people in the context of a long term relationship. 
 

Anyway that’s not why things ended, that conversation was quite a few dates ago. As I said, we went cinema on Tuesday, made love as usual. Then on Friday after a day and a half of silence she told me she can’t cope with everything that’s going on in her life. Pushed me away when she is having a crisis, meaning she would’ve let me down in the future anyway. I just want to avoid this if you get what I mean. You’re saying it’s because I didn’t commit, I’m saying I’m glad I didn’t commit more. We were literally in process of booking a holiday.. talk about awkward. 

[Sony12]

54 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Women are all about connections. If you accept to date a woman exclusively but do not invest a bit of feelings into it then she won't connect. She will feel it's a one way relationship and she will find an excuse and breakup. No woman will date a man that keeps her at arms length for weeks and months. 

Your problem is, you do not want to invest anything into a woman you date until she gives you the guarantee she has no flaws. And your problem is also when you see their flaws you stand by and keep on dating them anyway without building any attachment. 

You're not ready to date. 

Yes. Women will on occasion be willing to keep things going even if the connection doesn't seem to be developing like they want it to but often when that happens it's because she is getting a real kick out of the physical part of the relationship.

If the physical chemistry isn't through the roof nor does it seem to be developing into anything more serious more times than not she will end it.

Edited November 26, 2024 by Sony12

[Lamron300]

39 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I've responded to your posts before.  This is the way it goes when you do not give a person the information they need to know that you are truly invested in building a relationship with them.

In the past you've continued to "multi-date" during these earlier weeks, which for sure was sabotaging anything happening with any of the women.   

You are very self protective.  That is not going to work.  You can't have everything all organized and lined up before you offer some vulnerability to another person.  It doesn't work that way.   The other person wants to have a strong sense that things are progressing.  

Men are the same way.  YOU are.  You are waiting for the women you date to make you feel absolutely secure when you are not willing to do the same for them.

In this case - 22 is pretty young.   She might not be ready.  But, it sounds like the typical story.  10 dates and no sense of commitment - the other person is correct to cut and run.

I’m not sure how much more secure you can make someone feel other than telling them you’re only seeing them and that you’re dating. If only the label of boyfriend girlfriend makes a difference, that’s immature. Someone can be your girlfriend and you can still cheat on them, so what difference does it make, after 4 dates? I am spending time and money on you and clearly receptive to you. Anyway, that was relatively early on, we still continued to date plan a holiday and have a lot of sex after that point. I don’t see how someone can suddenly change, although I’m sure it’s to do with maturity. 
 

Yes, in the past I was multi-dating to avoid pain. Obviously the aim of dating is to find someone compatible with, but if you can’t I’d at least prefer to avoid humiliation/upset. I thought I would multi-date to increase my odds. It also helped me cope with the fact that many people are multi-dating and instead of worrying what they’re doing, go on the counter attack (if that makes sense). I am someone who is very averse to being let down.  Also, I don’t end things soon enough if I feel they aren’t going well. Two flaws which is why I am where I am. 
 

[Sony12]

1 minute ago, Lamron300 said:

I’m not sure how much more secure you can make someone feel other than telling them you’re only seeing them and that you’re dating. If only the label of boyfriend girlfriend makes a difference, that’s immature. Someone can be your girlfriend and you can still cheat on them, so what difference does it make, after 4 dates? I am spending time and money on you and clearly receptive to you. Anyway, that was relatively early on, we still continued to date plan a holiday and have a lot of sex after that point. I don’t see how someone can suddenly change, although I’m sure it’s to do with maturity. 
 

Yes, in the past I was multi-dating to avoid pain. Obviously the aim of dating is to find someone compatible with, but if you can’t I’d at least prefer to avoid humiliation/upset. I thought I would multi-date to increase my odds. It also helped me cope with the fact that many people are multi-dating and instead of worrying what they’re doing, go on the counter attack (if that makes sense). I am someone who is very averse to being let down.  Also, I don’t end things soon enough if I feel they aren’t going well. Two flaws which is why I am where I am. 
 

 

So basically you were having sex with her but refusing to tell her you two were bf and gf? And if that's the case why are you surprised she ended it?

It really sounds like you just want something casual but don't want to admit you just want something casual.

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I’m not sure how much more secure you can make someone feel other than telling them you’re only seeing them and that you’re dating

Well, you're not the romantic type eh!

You were dating a 22 yo, not a cerebral 40 yo woman. Young women want a spontaneous man, affectionate with his words and actions. 

[Lamron300]

2 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

 

So basically you were having sex with her but refusing to tell her you two were bf and gf? And if that's the case why are you surprised she ended it?

It really sounds like you just want something casual but don't want to admit you just want something casual.

Because I wasn’t refusing. She caught me by surprise on date four with that question, which I have never been asked before after four dates. Ever. And I’m 31. What I said was fair enough and genuine and my actions weren’t that of someone messing around. She called me a nice guy once and I said, what do you mean nice guy,  Her exact words were ‘ you don’t seem like someone to mess someone who messes people around, guys who are players end up crying into a pillow when they are forty, whilst the nice guys have wives and kids’. 
 

Anyway, why are you putting the liability on me? We were having sex without me confirming she was my gf, so why am I just responsible? She chose to make that decision too. I’ve tried everything this year, taking it slow or taking it fast. Trying to avoid early intimacy, getting involved in early intimacy. I haven’t seen a difference. 
 

I wish I wanted something casual, if I did I wouldn’t be bothered by this. I’d see it as I had a lot of sex with someone and suddenly ended and notch it up as an experience. Although I felt we had a connection, so that’s why I’m angry with her. I think when she sees reason she will regret ending things 

[Lamron300]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Well, you're not the romantic type eh!

You were dating a 22 yo, not a cerebral 40 yo woman. Young women want a spontaneous man, affectionate with his words and actions. 

I was affectionate with my actions and listened to her. Everyone is different. I am very reserved as I don’t see a benefit to taking things fast. I didn’t treat her differently than I would have if she were my girlfriend. Spent a lot of time and money on her. 
 

I even voiced my concerns. I said after sex, something along the lines of I’m worried we’re having sex this soon and she said, don’t overthink it, early in a relationship you can’t keep your hands of each other and have lots of sex. 
 

Honestly this year I have tried to be perfect. I don’t want to ever do the wrong thing, if I have sex with a woman I don’t want her to think that’s all I want or that’s all the relationship will be. If I don’t have sex with a woman I don’t want her to think I’m not attracted to her. In 2024, I can’t win. 
 

This one stings as like I said, she was the one who approached me online, lovebombed me etc. I wouldn’t purely rule someone out on their age (within reason), however, it would be 60-40 in terms of realistic. I ignored that against my inner gut feeling and it blow up in my face. I won’t do that again. 

[Sony12]

10 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

Because I wasn’t refusing. She caught me by surprise on date four with that question, which I have never been asked before after four dates. Ever. And I’m 31. What I said was fair enough and genuine and my actions weren’t that of someone messing around. She called me a nice guy once and I said, what do you mean nice guy,  Her exact words were ‘ you don’t seem like someone to mess someone who messes people around, guys who are players end up crying into a pillow when they are forty, whilst the nice guys have wives and kids’. 
 

Anyway, why are you putting the liability on me? We were having sex without me confirming she was my gf, so why am I just responsible? She chose to make that decision too. I’ve tried everything this year, taking it slow or taking it fast. Trying to avoid early intimacy, getting involved in early intimacy. I haven’t seen a difference. 
 

I wish I wanted something casual, if I did I wouldn’t be bothered by this. I’d see it as I had a lot of sex with someone and suddenly ended and notch it up as an experience. Although I felt we had a connection, so that’s why I’m angry with her. I think when she sees reason she will regret ending things 

Because the blame is on you. You aren't being completely honest with these women and are taking advantage of them to an extent. Women tend to be much more emotional about sex than men are. For men sex is often just a physical act.

It is probably best you not have sex with women until you feel that you are ready to become their boyfriend. Have sex early on with women who don't want a relationship from you.