3 Way Relationship and Poor Communication - Getting Annoyed With This - 57M and 68F

[Diana-in-NC]

So I (68F) have had a couple of good dates with a guy (57M) that lives 3 hours away. He's very sweet, courteous, and amusing plus patient and slow to anger.

For background, we met on OLD. We talked about a month then he wanted to come see me. I'm in NC, he's in SC. There's a complication - he has syncope (zones out without warning, like a type of seizure) - and cannot drive. So, the first meeting, he brought his female friend who rents a room from him and who drove him here. She kept nit picking him and I didn't appreciate that behavior in my home. She was cordial to me but sort of odd. I would guess she is on the Asperger's spectrum. She has her own house in NC but doesn't want to live there because her son (21) died in a fire in the next-door house. The love interest and her do almost everything together. I've talked to him about my feelings about this. They appear to be a couple except he says they aren't sexual.

For the second visit, I suggested he come by Amtrak to the closest train station to me which is about an hour away. I thought all the plans were made to do this then I get a call that the roommate is driving him and they'll be there in just over an hour and earlier than I had anticipated having to be there. I had to hurry and get ready and jump in the car. I drove him about halfway home after he was here 2 days to meet the roommate at a coffee shop where she was attending a baby shower or something. On the way, I presented to him that I wasn't going to tolerate being less important than her. She could be #3, I would be #2, and his elderly mom would be #1. He told her what I said! You don't even want to know what she said to me when she called that night from his phone. He insisted he had to go home that night because he had to go with her to a doctor's appointment in the morning (she has bad knees and the appointment was for physical therapy). He could have taken the train home and been within 15 minutes of home the next afternoon had it not been for this PT appointment. 

Since I almost always initiate texts and calls, I decided not to do so today. It's 9pm. The only text was in response to a text I sent at 1pm last night. He has said he likes all his phone calls to be private but he makes and receives phone calls when he's in the car with the female roommate. The real privacy is really only via text. I'm certainly not interested in having a polyamorous relationship. 

ONLY because has so many good attributes and bubbly personality have I put up with this. I even asked him to go to Myrtle Beach with me and he asked if she could go. Folks, he got hit in the head with a falling receiving roll-up door. Could he really be so naive to not know much of this behavior is killing any possibility of a relationship? He has said he will get mental health therapy. Do I just walk away? Leave the door open for seeing him after he gets a 3rd viewpoint on this? Enjoy his company knowing it probably isn't going anywhere? We have chemistry but I haven't even had enough privacy with him to figure out if there's compatibility. 

 

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, Diana-in-NC said:

Do I just walk away?

Yes. It’s complicated, and the fact that he doesn’t drive and you are long distance is going to be an insurmountable problem. Add to that the fact that you are initiating almost all communication - 

I would not consider this a viable relationship opportunity. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You can go out a few more times if you want. But I myself would not date a guy in this circumstance unless it was totally obvious that this woman was only a platonic helper and a non-annoying one at that. 

You don't know him long enough to know if this helper friend has an interest in him or not. He might not be telling you the truth and/or he could be clueless and blind with all kinds of good intent. Good intent is not sufficient in this situation. You need to rule out this other person 100 percent. And his change in plans and all that--no I wouldn't be comfortable with it. 

It's actually HIS responsibility--the ball is in his court--to make 100 percent obvious and clear that he can be a partner. It's not your job to grade him on some forgiving curve where you close your eyes and pretend you're comfortable with this woman around when you're not. 

[Leihla_B]

This guy isn't a date, he's a clown car.

I'd skip him and meet people who are local.

[ExpatInItaly]

Kindly, I think you are over-invested in a man you've only met a couple times. 

6 hours ago, Diana-in-NC said:

On the way, I presented to him that I wasn't going to tolerate being less important than her. She could be #3, I would be #2, and his elderly mom would be #1.

This isn't the sort of thing I would say to a man I have been out with two or three times. I do agree with your point, to be clear, but I would instead observe. If he isn't prioritizing his life of his own volition, without prompting from me, then I would know this isn't the man I want to be involved with. I would simply see myself out. 

And really, how have these been "good dates" if he brings third wheel? Or changes plans so much that you wind up accommodating his female companion? I don't see how those two things can both be true. I would not bother continuing anything with him. He is not a good relationship candidate. 

[Gaeta]

You spoke a month, you met, hit a wall, on to next. This is not the right man or the right circumstances for you, that's all. You don't read the right act to a man you met twice, you walk away.

[ShyViolet]

Having a relationship with this man is not feasible, not if he lives 3 hours away from you but can't drive.  And not if he is bizarrely enmeshed with this other woman.  He's not going to all of a sudden change this.  You don't start dating a man hoping to change him.  That is dating 101.  You really do need to walk away from this ridiculous, bizarre situation.