I feel that my boyfriend takes me for granted

[Angelicis]

I am currently a college student who has a boyfriend of 15 months, and we've been living together for around 4 months. We are currently on winter break, so we've been apart for 3 weeks. Usually in the past, I'd be upset if I didn't talk to him more than once a day. I think I'm just the kind of girl that wants more communication when we're apart. I don't know if I'm asking too much for asking him to talk to me more than once a day.

 

Well, this winter break I wouldn't pressure him to call me more than he wanted to. I tried to give him his space and let him call me whenever he wanted. I did this for a few weeks, and then this week, I had found out he's been lying about where he's been. For at least the past four days, he had been telling me how he got in a car accident and his parents took him to the hospital, and he was on medication that made him sleep all day. It wasn't until I called his house one day (he had said he was working on something with his father), hoping to talk to him, that his dad told me he had no idea where he was or what I was talking about. I was deeply hurt. Although, he's lied to me in the past about stupid little things (so that I wouldn't get mad because he screwed something up), I always asked him each time to never lie to me again. I told him that honesty was the most important thing to me, and he always promised that he wouldn't lie again. And inevitably, every time he would break that promise and lie about something stupid again.

 

What bothered me this time is that I had been so nice and caring about his "injuries" that caused him to sleep all day...all the while he was out drinking with his friends and lying about where he's been. He would come home at 4 in the morning saying "Hey honey, I just woke up and I realized I had kept you waiting, so I got on AIM to let you know I'm really groggy and have to go back to sleep." And every time he said something about how he was too tired or in too much pain so he couldn't talk to me, I believed him. I hadn't forced him or pressured him to call me as often as I wanted him to, but yet he started this huge chain of lies. And also, he was upset when I told him I wanted to break up with him because of all the lies he told...he told me he would do anything to make it up to me. He would do anything so that I trusted and loved him again. I told him that since he hasn't really been paying much attention to me this entire break, I wanted him to stay in this weekend and just talk or play online video games with me. He told me that he had already paid for this camping trip that he was going on with 2 of his friends, and that he would have to try to get his $20 back.

 

I was happy, because another one of our problems is that I feel like I sacrifice and do so much stuff for him, and he never reciprocates. I know that if you love someone, you should never expect to be repaid...but it's gotten to the point where I feel like he just keeps taking and never gives back. So him sacrificing a camping trip made me happy, since he had been spending all his time with his friends the past 3 weeks. But then today, he told me that he was going because his friends told him that if he didn't go, then no one would go. He told me he'd sacrifice anything but this. But I feel like this is just an excuse...and that anything else important to him that I asked for, he still wouldn't sacrifice.

 

I just feel sad because we've been together for over a year and I feel like we have a chance to make this work. But I guess I've been thinking that we've been having problems for a few months now. I've always been upset that I haven't been his priority. Of course, he does spend time with me...but it often happens that he'll make plans to spend time with me, or to do something....but he'll never do it. He'll just suddenly change his mind to go out with his friends, or just decide the favor I asked him to isn't important. And often when we're apart, he'll promise to call me that night...and I'll wait until 5 in the morning expecting him to call and he never will. And this isn't just a "once and awhile" type of thing. It's happened more times than I can even count. And also, he's lied about a bunch of stuff too, just to keep me from "getting mad".

 

I just feel that in a good relationship, neither side has to lie. Even if someone else gets upset, they usually get upset for a reason. If someone has to lie, then isn't there something wrong? And I feel that it's important to keep a promise. Even if the other side doesn't feel it's important, as long as the other person feels it's important, shouldn't you keep the promise? Sorry for making this post so long...I just really don't know what to do this time around.

[Fun2BMe]

He's not only taking you for granted, but by telling the big big lie about getting in a car accident and lying about being at his dad's house he is obviously trying to conceal his real whereabouts and what he is really doing because obviously they would upset you, otherwise he wouldn't hide the truth of what he is doing and where he is. Therefore I'd be more concerned that he might be cheating on you based on the extent of his dishonesty and hiding the truth. He's constantly lying, then making excuses to justify them and not calling you enough. As far as what you should do, I would tell him that you need some time apart so that you could decide if you can continue having a relationship with someone who is not trustworthy. The hardest part of doing that is that you live together so you might want to ask him to stay with a friend for a while so that he'll take you more seriously and not for granted and it might get him to think twice before he opens his mouth as if he could get away with all of his lies because you put up with them.

[Angelicis]

I completely agree with being suspicious about him cheating on me. I know it sounds very naive to believe him when he says he hasn't cheated on me, but he said to me that he knows that I can't trust him right now, and that he's lied to me a lot....but if I could believe him on anything, that I should believe that he's never cheated on me. Even though he knows he's screwed up with lying a lot, he said that he would never do something as horrible as that to me. I know I might be just hopeful, but I believe him when he says that.

 

Also, when I just spoke to him tonight after the fight. He told me that instead of going on the trip, and instead of making up a lie to his friends about why he could go (like saying his parents wouldn't let him or something), he told them the truth. I guess this is a pretty big deal to him, because most guys including himself never tell their guy friends how important a girl is to him. So he actually just told his guy friends how he screwed up by lying to me, and that he wanted to stay in this weekend to talk to me about everything that's happened.

 

He came home and told me that he really deep down inside wants to be a better boyfriend for me, because he knows I deserve better than how he's treated me. He says he admits that he's been a complete a**h*** and that he's lucky to have another chance with me. Is it possible for a guy to change in this way? Can a "bad" boyfriend willingly change his ways and become a good boyfriend?

[helena abadi]

Can a bad boyfriend become a good boyfriend? You would need to see some really significant change in his behaviour. Don't let him off lightly. He created one hellava story to keep you out of contact. He blatently lied big time. My trust in someone who did that to me would be zero, zip, nada. Be cool for a while, don't give in too easily or he will not change. Be willing to have space of your own without him in it.

[travellingman]

You don't deserve to be lied to, no question, but have you tried to stop him from just hanging out with his friends in the past?

 

When I was in college I had a clingy girlfriend for half a semester whom I otherwise really liked, but she always hated when I went to parties or bars just to hang out. At that age, it was a deal breaker.

[A Guest]

Can a "bad" boyfriend willingly change his ways and become a good boyfriend?

No. Not overnight. Changing behaviour takes a few weeks at the very least.

 

You mentioned that you give much more than he does to the relationship. Does this include financially? If so, look very carefully at what his actions really mean.

 

Love isn't a feeling or a few words carelessly flung about -- love is behaviour. If you don't feel loved, then those feelings are talkin' to ya hun!

[Mary3]

He is a chronic Liar who has so many Lies he can't keep track of all of them.

 

You are the Giver. He is the Taker. I am not saying you should change being the Giver but just DON'T be the Giver with HIM.

 

I would end this .

 

He cannot be trusted. Has little respect for you. Puts everything BUT you first.

 

He is a manipulator of your feelings and of your heart.

 

Give this boy the Heave-Ho !

[Blackard]

I've always been upset that I haven't been his priority. Of course, he does spend time with me...but it often happens that he'll make plans to spend time with me, or to do something....but he'll never do it. He'll just suddenly change his mind to go out with his friends, or just decide the favor I asked him to isn't important.

 

 

Summed it up right here. If you are not a priority in his life, then you are a convienience. Its that simple.

 

All you have to decide is which you want to be to your man, then act from there. ;p

[Angelicis]

Thanks for all the advice. To answer one of the questions, I don't believe I'm a clingy girlfriend, but maybe that's all opinion. I like to go to parties and bars with him, and I don't have a problem with him going out with his friends either. I guess why we have such problems when we're apart is because he always makes plans to talk to me on the phone or whatever, but always changes his mind and doesn't let me know (so I end up waiting up all night, expecting him to call). He interprets this as me not letting him hang out with his friends, while I interpret this as me believing he's going to call when he says he'll call. I often do feel as if I'm a convenience. He's living in my apartment with me and my roommates right now. He's paying for utilities and groceries, but not rent. I also try to cook everyday and ask him to do dishes. For the first semester, a big problem was that I would cook and he still refused to do the dishes. It made me feel like he was just here because he had a free place to stay and someone to cook and clean for him.

 

For lying to me, he had stayed home this weekend and said he would devote this whole weekend to make it up to me. We got into another fight last night, because he only called me once last night after he went out for the whole afternoon and evening with his friends. He was complaining about "how much time do you f***ing need". I don't know if I'm asking for too much...I just figured that since he was making up for not talking to me that much over break, and since he had pretty much lied to me...him making up for all that would be more than just one chat online and one phone call. He said that today would be better...but once again he called me this afternoon before the football game (like we had planned), ONLY to tell me that he was leaving to go get a free burrito. So then there was another argument where I was upset because I feel that he can't keep making plans or promises to me and always changing his mind when something else comes up.

 

He said how "no wonder guys always get sick of you". I think this was after he told me that I could never be pleased and I would never be happy no matter what he did. I personally don't think that's true...because all I've ever asked him to do is to keep his promises and the plans he makes with me and not try to back out of it every single time. When I told him I didn't want to be with someone who treats me like this and puts everything else first...he told me "good luck finding a guy who treats you as well as I do and tries as hard as I do to make you happy, and won't cheat on you".

 

I feel almost hopeless now. He always sounds so sincere and apologetic after we argue, but the next morning after he's woken up it's like he never did anything wrong. He acts like everything's fine and he should go and do whatever he usually does and that "making it up" to me should happen at his convenience.

[cygny]

would it be so bad if you broke up with him, moved him out of your apartment, and spent the rest of the school year playing the field?

 

it sounds like you need some space, because your bf is playing with your head all the time, so that you don't even know if you're being reasonable.

 

the biggest problem is that the lying/apologizing/then putting you on the defensive for being clingy is a big huge pattern that seems to be getting worse, and clearly, you know it and that's why you posted.

 

my past experience with people like this is that it is virtually impossible that they will change, even if they want to. that is just how they are. they feel guilty and so they lie but then they feel guilty for lying too and then they start blaming you for the problems they created.

 

he doesn't sound like he wants a relationship with you that is this 'involved' with talking to you all the time.

[Angelicis]

That sounds pretty accurate. I mean, we've tried to take a "break" before when he moved into his friend's apartment for about a week. The reason was for him to figure out if he really wanted to be with me or to be single. He came back telling me that he wanted to be with me, so we decided to give it another shot. I guess I was hoping that things would change since then but it feels like it hasn't...or if it has, it's crawling at a snail's pace.

 

I suppose I've always been the type that keeps trying to make a relationship work. I've never been the one to give up, and whenever I feel like I should, I feel like maybe we can work it out, or what a shame it is for us to break up.

 

And I guess a part of me, as much as I want to believe otherwise...thinks that maybe I do have it good right now, and that if I try to date around that they'll all be scum and I'll end up regretting letting go of what I had.

[cygny]

well i can tell you one thing, that it is no good when someone lies to you repeatedly. it is a pattern that will only get worse. if you get used to it and accept it, that is no good either. it starts you being the doormat kind of girl. this guy you're seeing is not that good.

 

i think it's pretty cool to be dating around, especially at your age. and try some other men for relationships too. you'll never know until you try. why not have a more adventurous and experimental outlook for awhile? you're in college where all the single men are and you'll never have so many single men to choose from like that around you once you graduate so take advantage of it while you can.

[A Guest]

Thanks for all the advice. To answer one of the questions, I don't believe I'm a clingy girlfriend, but maybe that's all opinion. I like to go to parties and bars with him, and I don't have a problem with him going out with his friends either.

You haven't shared anything yet which gives me the impression you are clingy. Let's move on from there...

 

 

 

I guess why we have such problems when we're apart is because he always makes plans to talk to me on the phone or whatever, but always changes his mind and doesn't let me know (so I end up waiting up all night, expecting him to call). He interprets this as me not letting him hang out with his friends, while I interpret this as me believing he's going to call when he says he'll call.

First of all, making plans with someone, anyone, be it friend, significant other, co-worker, parent, sibling or child and not informing that person of changes is rude and thoughtless. The message is that you (and your feelings) don't matter. An honest person would simply say you aren't a priority and give you the option of whether to continue holding on to hope or not.

 

 

 

I often do feel as if I'm a convenience. He's living in my apartment with me and my roommates right now. He's paying for utilities and groceries, but not rent. I also try to cook everyday and ask him to do dishes.

Please, please LISTEN to what your feelings are telling you. Most people like this will buy groceries and then inform you how incredibly lucky you are to have them do so even though they buy what they like and eat most of what is purchased. My question is: Could he do any less and stay with you and your roommates?

 

 

 

 

For the first semester, a big problem was that I would cook and he still refused to do the dishes. It made me feel like he was just here because he had a free place to stay and someone to cook and clean for him.

Your feelings are quite right. See above where I asked if he could do any less and not have his house of cards collapse.

 

 

 

For lying to me, he had stayed home this weekend and said he would devote this whole weekend to make it up to me. We got into another fight last night, because he only called me once last night after he went out for the whole afternoon and evening with his friends. He was complaining about "how much time do you f***ing need".

My translation: How come you don't see that I don't want to waste any time on you?????????? Why can't you get that through your head???????

 

 

 

I don't know if I'm asking for too much...I just figured that since he was making up for not talking to me that much over break, and since he had pretty much lied to me...him making up for all that would be more than just one chat online and one phone call. He said that today would be better...but once again he called me this afternoon before the football game (like we had planned), ONLY to tell me that he was leaving to go get a free burrito. So then there was another argument where I was upset because I feel that he can't keep making plans or promises to me and always changing his mind when something else comes up.

[sarcasm on] Well we ALL know that a free burrito trumps all, eh? How could you not understand that?

 

I mean we all know how life-altering just the right burrito can be, yes? And a free one at that? I, for one, think he is incredibly lucky to have this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! [sarcasm off]

 

 

 

He said how "no wonder guys always get sick of you." I think this was after he told me that I could never be pleased and I would never be happy no matter what he did. I personally don't think that's true...because all I've ever asked him to do is to keep his promises and the plans he makes with me and not try to back out of it every single time.

Had you shared something with him about your past relationships? This is his attempt to gain an advantage by playing on what he perceives as your weakness or soft spot.

 

 

 

 

When I told him I didn't want to be with someone who treats me like this and puts everything else first...he told me "good luck finding a guy who treats you as well as I do and tries as hard as I do to make you happy, and won't cheat on you."

Hmm...lame attempt at a power play. I hope you giggled to yourself on that one! If his attempts to make you happy are his best effort then good luck to him on finding/keeping a responsible job, his own home, and everything else in life that requires a bit of effort.

 

How is he doing in school?

 

 

 

 

I feel almost hopeless now. He always sounds so sincere and apologetic after we argue, but the next morning after he's woken up it's like he never did anything wrong. He acts like everything's fine and he should go and do whatever he usually does and that "making it up" to me should happen at his convenience.

Sounds like someone who simply doesn't care. He acts like it too.

 

 

 

 

That sounds pretty accurate. I mean, we've tried to take a "break" before when he moved into his friend's apartment for about a week. The reason was for him to figure out if he really wanted to be with me or to be single. He came back telling me that he wanted to be with me, so we decided to give it another shot. I guess I was hoping that things would change since then but it feels like it hasn't...or if it has, it's crawling at a snail's pace.

My translation: Geez, I can't figure out how to get 'friend' to let me stay here for free for any length of time. Shoot! I think I better go back to Angelicis...

 

 

 

 

I suppose I've always been the type that keeps trying to make a relationship work. I've never been the one to give up, and whenever I feel like I should, I feel like maybe we can work it out, or what a shame it is for us to break up.

You can work it out. It will have to be on his terms though. There is an imbalance here that reflects the fact that you care but he doesn't. If you can swallow his terms, then this 'relationship' can work until he decides to end it. Somehow, I don't think that is what you want.

 

 

 

 

And I guess a part of me, as much as I want to believe otherwise...thinks that maybe I do have it good right now, and that if I try to date around that they'll all be scum and I'll end up regretting letting go of what I had.

It would be difficult to go much lower than this guy. The only risk here is hooking up with someone physically abusive, drug-addicted, multiple baby-daddy, etc. Otherwise, the only direction you can go from here is up!

[A Guest]

well i can tell you one thing, that it is no good when someone lies to you repeatedly. it is a pattern that will only get worse. if you get used to it and accept it, that is no good either. it starts you being the doormat kind of girl. this guy you're seeing is not that good.

 

i think it's pretty cool to be dating around, especially at your age. and try some other men for relationships too. you'll never know until you try. why not have a more adventurous and experimental outlook for awhile? you're in college where all the single men are and you'll never have so many single men to choose from like that around you once you graduate so take advantage of it while you can.

Well put cygny!

[Mary3]

Gawd ! Is your boyfriend related to Walks Boyfriend. ?? ( Hopefully former boyfriend for her now )

 

This guy is also a lazy creeep ! what a Bast**d !

 

You definately can do BETTER

 

From what Sewer ( cess pool ) are these guys crawling out of ??

[Angelicis]

Haha, thanks for all the support everyone. This has really helped me put things into perspective. I was just so lost and I didn't know if I was asking too much anymore. I told my boyfriend that I couldn't stay in this relationship knowing that even though he says I'm the most important thing to him...he always lets everything else get in the way, no matter how miniscule it is.

 

It ended up that he said that all he was asking for was one more chance. If he ever breaks a promise or lies again, he won't try to win me back anymore. Apparently after we talked...he went over to his friend's house and cried because he felt like such an ass. His friend apparently told him that he broke promises to everyone and I guess he kind of got it put to him. He said that he's going to spend this whole week staying in and talking to me on the phone, online, and playing video games online with me to make up for screwing up so bad this weekend. He says that he knows that this is his last chance to ever keep me, so he says that he finally realized this is "life or death" for him if he doesn't keep all his promises from now on.

[Mary3]

He's lying because its easier. He's lying because he wants to do things you don't approve of. He's lying and acting 15 again...I would not trust that he is not going to lie to you again. Its a learned behavior. Its recognized by his friends.

 

If it were me , no I would not give him another chance.

 

Tell him you want to just be friends.

 

 

Get on with your life.

[helena abadi]

if he breaks promises to everyone, then there is a big gap in his integrity. what he says and what he does are very different. this is learned behaviour. it's gonna take a lot more than another promise to you, to unlearn what he does. he needs to find out why he does this and takes more knowledge than i sure have.

 

be prepared to walk away if he does it again. hold yourself back a bit. and stay in touch. glad our support has helped. LS is a strangely helpful place.