ms_jnj Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 my question is boring. But at any rate....here goes, I'm aware that the same topic has been addressed before on this forum but it seemed to vague to me. Feel free to yell at me for being redundant if you wish. So, I'm relatively inexperienced in dating, having gotten out of a 5 y relationship (he was the first boyfriend and all, we were young) not so very long ago. Hence, I have no idea how to play "the game" and am probably disgustingly genuine about things. So I've dated a bit but not quite hit is off with everyone....until I met the current guy. We are not an item or any such but rather have been on about four dates over about a month or so. Great conversation, have fun, laugh, etc. But having not been with many men and all, I don't know when the appropriate time is to, well I'll just be blunt... have sex with him. I am interested in this becomming a relationship, not just F*ck buddies. I am assuming the best idea is to wait until I am comfortable, but due to me being shy and also not having been with many men I wonder if that will take quite a while. But all in all, I'm not a prude, and yes would like to have sex with him in the future. So I suppose my question is --- for your average guy in his 20s (assuming he is interested in an actual realtionship) what is an acceptable amount of time to wait for a girl to have sex with him? Any other advice or insight?? Help me out with the dating game, guys. Thanks.
Fun2BMe Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 But having not been with many men and all, I don't know when the appropriate time is to, well I'll just be blunt... have sex with him. I am interested in this becomming a relationship, not just F*ck buddies. I am assuming the best idea is to wait until I am comfortable, There is a similar thread here asking how long a guy would wait to have sex, and judging by the responses, not too long. So I DON'T think it wise when you say "the best idea is to wait until I am comfortable" otherwise he will have moved on. That's the reality in the dating world these days. I hope I have not offended you, Goldpile, by shamelessly using your popularity for my own means. Well it worked to bait me in lol
Walk Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 There is a similar thread here asking how long a guy would wait to have sex, and judging by the responses, not too long. So I DON'T think it wise when you say "the best idea is to wait until I am comfortable" otherwise he will have moved on. That's the reality in the dating world these days. Totall BullS**T!!! Wait until you are comfortable, ready, and happy with the decision. If it's one month, or a year. The man may not be happy with it, but in the end it's your body and your mind that you really have to live with. I got out of a 9yr relationship few years ago. Got back into the dating scene, and it was a lot like your describing. It's hard, and you feel clueless about what the customs and norms are. I met a great guy and had the same concerns as you on when "sex" would equate. What's important to me is that I feel comfortable with the man. We discussed sex, our past sexual history, our likes and dislikes. I trusted him and felt comfortable with him. I think I waited 4 months before we had sex. (4 months from our first date) He didn't have a problem "waiting", or if he did, he didn't share that with me. Either way, I'm glad I waited til I was comfortable with him.
Author ms_jnj Posted January 7, 2006 Author Posted January 7, 2006 Thanks for your responses. Yeah I've been kind of afraid it is like the person who responded first said, that even good guys will get bored and move on if sex isn't immediate these days. It seems to have become an expectation of dating early in the game. I just want to get an idea of the expectations out there, since I haven't really been dating for a long while.
Outcast Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 I don't know why people want dozens of replies to their posts. If you get a couple good answers, why bother. GP's threads are mostly people arguing about how much BS his current story is. Yeah I've been kind of afraid it is like the person who responded first said, that even good guys will get bored and move on if sex isn't immediate these days. It seems to have become an expectation of dating early in the game. Too bad about their expectations. You decide when you're comfortable and not one moment before. All you'll get from worrying about others' expectations is disappointed and unhappy.
Fun2BMe Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 All you'll get from worrying about others' expectations is disappointed and unhappy. But REALISTICALLY won't she end up disappointed and unhappy if the guy she likes leaves her because he doesn't want to wait around a long time to have sex? He might be a good catch who other women would do that for, and she'll lose a chance forming a relationship with him. That's how the real world is these days. And all the replies from the guys here are proof of that. Otherwise she could close her eyes, do things at her own pace, how she would want to be done in a fairystory and live happily ever after with a patient man who will cater to her timetable without her having to worry about his expectations.
loony Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 But REALISTICALLY won't she end up disappointed and unhappy if the guy she likes leaves her because he doesn't want to wait around a long time to have sex? He might be a good catch who other women would do that for, and she'll lose a chance forming a relationship with him. That's how the real world is these days. And all the replies from the guys here are proof of that. Otherwise she could close her eyes, do things at her own pace, how she would want to be done in a fairystory and live happily ever after with a patient man who will cater to her timetable without her having to worry about his expectations. I think this is one of the worst advices I have seen. If a guy prefers other women because they sleep with him, he's one desperate bloke who certainly would not deserve my time. I guess, when you trust your partner and you both want it, there's no real time limit, but I think it might be worth it to still wait a little bit longer and work on the fundament of your friendship. Sex creates intimacy, but it also complicates things and takes the focus away from other important aspects of a relationship. It's easier to decide if you are really compatible with each other or not when you haven't had sex yet.
933KJL Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 I may tend to agree on the sooner than later crowd. But hear me out. Whether you believe it or not LOONY and OUTCAST, sex is an important part of any relationship for men as well as women. True men will put a stonger focus on it--the whole Mars and Venus deal, but it is a key component. Men will wait varying times depending on their perception of the future succss of the relationship. It might be from one or two dates to months. But, once they see as it going too long (again from theor perception) they will likely bail out of it. THis is no different than a woman who sits around waiting for a guy to ask her to marry her--if not asked, she will eventually go away. Waiting for that guy she is crushing on to ask her out or to offer that first kiss. If it does not happen in HER timeline, she will leave. So, this is a double edged sword and just because your own ethics make you feel that the advice is bad, it is not necessisarily so. If you are thiniking about the relationship becoming sexual, it is time. Yes there will be some trepidation and worry, and fright, but hey that is all a part of it. First time jitters and all. Sex is beautiful and I don't want to triviliaze it in any way, but also it is only sex. It is a pleasure. You cannot keep overanalyzing it time and time again, because life will pass you by. Moomoos and birkenstocks! Ask anyone who has kids. If you wait until the "perfect time" to have kids, you will never have them. 1
newbby Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 sure, sex is important to men, but surely sex within a loving relationship is even more important. certainly to the ones worth having a relationship with. my advice to any woman would have to be, wait until you know he is genuine about you and not just trying to bed you, and until you are sure about him too. sex often confuses things, and it is wise to wait until you feel you know each other well.
lindya Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 But REALISTICALLY won't she end up disappointed and unhappy if the guy she likes leaves her because he doesn't want to wait around a long time to have sex? He might be a good catch who other women would do that for, and she'll lose a chance forming a relationship with him. Of course sex is part of a normal relationship. It's down to both parties to create an environment between them wherein sex, when it happens, will feel comfortable and work well. For some couples that might happen really quickly, but in other cases it might take more time for the two people to feel sufficiently relaxed with eachother that they can have a really good, free-of-faking-it shag. I'm not sure how a good relationship stems from the woman being so needy, desperate for a relationship and afraid of losing the man's attention that she'll allow herself to be pressured into more intimacy than she's ready for. That just sounds like a recipe for crap sex and wounded egos.
travellingman Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 Any other advice or insight?? Help me out with the dating game, guys. You look like Karenna Gore, have a great sense of humor, and you're asking us for help?
Neptune Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 How long to wait depends on your values, goals and the relationship at hand. In my idealistic mind, if you are someone who desires to marry and have children some day then you ought not drop your panties until it is obvious he wants these things also.
JS17 Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 I skimmed most of the posts but I think something that everyone seemed to miss was that the men who replied about how long to wait were all older and most in their 40s. Things change. Guys in their 20s, and women in their 20s for that matter, don't generally have the maturity, insight, and experience of their older counterparts. If you want a relationship you have to wait, even with the nicest of guys. You will need to build a foundation before you introduce sex into the relationship. And whoever said don't wait until you're comfortable, that's just rediculous. If you have sex before you're comfortable you will bring that uncomfortability and insecurity into the relationship outside of the bedroom and it will probably fall apart. There's no magical number but just get to know him well first and then you will be comfortable enough to introduce sex into the relationship. I think many of us have had that experience of screwing up a relationship because of having sex too soon but it's part of growing and learning about yourself and your limitations.
Outcast Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 Whether you believe it or not LOONY and OUTCAST, sex is an important part of any relationship for men as well as women (Gasp! No! ) lindya, newbby, Neptune, and JS17 all said exactly what I would say. The point, JK, is that it ought not be the man who dictates where and when and the woman go along just to please him despite her own feelings. And women shouldn't be so needy that they put aside their own wishes just because a man happens to 'see it going too long'. It's not about 'ethics'.
Sevenmack Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 The question isn't how long to wait for sex, but how long does it take for you to be comfortable with someone to even go further. After all, if you're dating this person, you definitely want to jump their bones in the first place since you don't date people with whom you're not attracted. For myself, I know by the second month whether the girl I'm dating is worth my time. Period. Whether or not it's going to lead to marriage cannot be decided immediately in any case; you just have to figure out if it's working at that moment in time. Two months (which should equal to about eight dates) is enough time; Spiderman senses should have already tingled one way or another by then. If she hasn't concluded by the second month that I'm worth her time -- indicated by her willingness to go further than just spend time together on my dime (because I, like most men, is paying for the dates) -- then I must conclude that things aren't going to work out. Kissing me is a sign that you're into me; I don't kiss just anyone. Sex is a sign that you think there is more to this relationship than just two people hanging out; after all, as much as I may look at all types of women, I won't sleep with every pumps and a bump out there. Walk says it doesn't matter if it's one month or a year, but that's, to paraphrase her, bullfeathers. It does matter. If it takes a year for a woman to decide that the guy she's dating is worth giving up the p-nanny, obviously she's either using him for other reasons (money, gifts, attention), doesn't think he's worth her time (either because he actually isn't or she's stringing him along till someone better comes onto the scene) or she has issues (rape, abusive past relationships and the like) that she should resolve before dating anyone. Sex is an important part of a relationship and part of the process that bonds two people together to eventually form a family, if that's what they are looking to do in the long run, or just expand their enjoyment of each other's company. Her lover (and yes, that's what they are, even if you haven't yet kissed) deserves some clarity on the matter and I would say the same thing if the roles were reversed. It isn't a question of time, but at the same time, it is a question of time. Jump into bed with someone just a day after meeting each other and that's a sign that all one of you (or both of you) really want is a f--k buddy, which is fine, but not a sign that you're thinking seriously about the person with whom you're banging. Wait a year and it's a sign that something about this relationship just isn't going to work out in the long run. So one should be ready to take it further in a period of time that isn't one day or one year. If it's two months, fine; four or six months can also work.
Author ms_jnj Posted January 8, 2006 Author Posted January 8, 2006 Awe, thanks. I'm a bit more outgoing online than in person...you know that whole "you don't really know me" thing. Also a little low on confidence after the break up from hell....
cygny Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 you say you want it to be a relationship...so maybe there needs to be an expression on his part that he wants a relationship with you too, before you will feel comfortable sleeping with him. that would be my approach, anyway.
luvtoto Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 Quote JS17: If you have sex before you're comfortable you will bring that uncomfortability and insecurity into the relationship outside of the bedroom and it will probably fall apart. Very well put!! Excellent advice.
loony Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 I still say a guy who is too eager to sleep with me and does not understand why I do not want to sleep with him now and prefer to wait is just not the right person. I do agree though that waiting for a year seems quite long, if after a couple of months I still didn't have the feeling that he's someone I would spend more time with in the future then he's obviously the wrong one and I would let him go.
grace2005 Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 When you ask how long is an acceptable time to wait before having sex do you mean actual intercourse or any sexual contact in general?? If its the former I would say when you are sure this is the man you want to marry and have children with. The risk for pregnancy is just too high. Speaking as a guy I was with my last girlfriend for nearly 3 years. We never had intercourse but we did have other forms of sexual contact involving touching & kissing. I think she wanted more than that ever since day 1 because on the first night we met she told me to make love to her but I turned her down. Why? well because I did not have protection first of all and second of all I wanted to make sure she would commit to me by dating exclusively. I found that by just sleeping with anyone who is not committing to me is very damaging to my soul. Sex is not just pleasure but giving away part of my soul to someone. So during the 3 years I could tell she was feeling sexually frustrated at times. The pressure from her end was one of the reasons I just broke it off in the end. Some of you know the entire story. I just was not willing to take the chance of going beyond foreplay. Sometimes I would fall asleep during our make out sessions too because I had been working on my feet all day.
Recommended Posts