[UPDATE] Inlaws no longer get along. It's giving me bad anxiety.

[riversidemf]

My two sister in laws don't get along. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells. One says she won't attend things if the other is there, and I'm afraid it's going to be so divisive within the family. I don't want to pick sides. I'm aware its up to my two siblings to never allow the wives to get in between them, but it still worries me. 

Does anyone have advice on inlaws who don't get along? And how to ease my anxiety. I notice ones wants to sit around and gossip about the other. I won't and can't do it. She's the mother of my nephew. 

 

 

Edited April 12 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Update title

[basil67]

Yes, it will be divisive in the family, but don't spend time worrying about things you can't change.   Just focus on the practicalities.

I think that a good solution is to invite your brothers, and tell them that their wives are only welcome if they can behave.  Tell your brothers that if anyone is less than perfectly mannered, they will be asked to leave. 

Edited November 11, 2024 by basil67

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, riversidemf said:

notice ones wants to sit around and gossip about the other. I won't and can't do it. She's the mother of my nephew. 

I would interrupt her and say, "Respectfully, I'm asking for your help in an agreement that none of us will speak badly about another family member who isn't here to defend themselves, and thank you."

[riversidemf]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Yes, it will be divisive in the family, but don't spend time worrying about things you can't change.   Just focus on the practicalities.

I think that a good solution is to invite your brothers, and tell them that their wives are only welcome if they can behave.  Tell your brothers that if anyone is less than perfectly mannered, they will be asked to leave. 

Can you explain what you mean by focusing on the practicalities?

 

[riversidemf]

16 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

I would interrupt her and say, "Respectfully, I'm asking for your help in an agreement that none of us will speak badly about another family member who isn't here to defend themselves, and thank you."

I don't engage in the conversation. She gets the hint. I'm scared if she doesn't like me, and they have kids one day she won't allow me to see them and distance me from my sibling. Same with the other inlaw. Although I know that's up to my siblings.

I don't know what kind of relationship I should have with my inlaws, individually without offending the other. I mean, if I go out with one on a shopping day, am I upsetting the other.

[basil67]

15 minutes ago, riversidemf said:

I don't engage in the conversation. She gets the hint. I'm scared if she doesn't like me, and they have kids one day she won't allow me to see them and distance me from my sibling. Same with the other inlaw. Although I know that's up to my siblings.

I don't know what kind of relationship I should have with my inlaws, individually without offending the other. I mean, if I go out with one on a shopping day, am I upsetting the other.

May I suggest the serenity prayer:  God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,  the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

At this point, you're worrying about things you cannot change

[riversidemf]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

May I suggest the serenity prayer:  God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,  the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

At this point, you're worrying about things you cannot change

This is exactly what I needed. 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, everyone is in an awkward place. Not just you.

So chill. There is nothing for you to do. Other than to politely say,  to MIL, "I like you. I'm sorry you're going through this." And say same to FIL.

Let their children take care of them. 

Don't worry about the future. Does MIL like having the grands over? Does FIL? If so, they will want the kids over after the divorce goes through.  Don't worry about offending the other. All you're doing is LISTENING (if you do that). The in-laws know this is awkward for everyone. 

You're over-worrying here.  

[Leihla_B]

On 11/10/2024 at 9:28 PM, riversidemf said:

I don't engage in the conversation. She gets the hint. I'm scared if she doesn't like me, and they have kids one day she won't allow me to see them and distance me from my sibling. Same with the other inlaw. Although I know that's up to my siblings.

I don't know what kind of relationship I should have with my inlaws, individually without offending the other. I mean, if I go out with one on a shopping day, am I upsetting the other.

I wouldn't invent imaginary future blackmail scenarios. It's up to your siblings to manage their own wives. I'd be pleasant to each, and I would socialize with whichever one offers or is in front of me at a given time. If either were to try to strong-arm me against the other, I'd tell her that I have two brothers, so I'm not going to play.

People don't respect those who don't have good boundaries against being manipulated. If you agonize over this, then you're the one who's imposing torture on yourself instead of taking a firm position against engaging in any unfairness. You won't get applause for it, but you will gain respect--and that's the only position from which you can win.

[ShyViolet]

I don't understand why this should give you anxiety.  This is literally their problem and not yours.  If they want to act petty and immature, let them.  This is not your problem to solve.  Learn to put up strong boundaries and not let other people drag you into their drama.  If one tries to talk bad about the other, shut it down and let them know you're not interested in getting involved in the drama.

If one says they won't attend events if the other is there, why is that YOUR problem to agonize over?  You really need boundaries.  It's not your job to be the peacemaker for the entire family.

[NuevoYorko]

Yes.  The only part of this that's a "you" problem is that you need to work on your boundaries.  Yes, their behavior can take the joy out of family gatherings for everybody else, but you can rise above it.  Your choice.  

[riversidemf]

Hi guys reopening this thread. 

I've been having issues with one of my inlaws. There's been multiple times where we would be having group conversations, and her delivery has been snappy, snarky....rude, uncalled for, and extremely unnecessary towards me. I've asked others that were there and heard the convo if I said something wrong for her to get that reaction, they have said no and that her response was weird. I accepted that that's who she is, let go and let God. She has done it to my mom too. 

I also took notice that if we are out  and I walked beside my brother and her, she would purposely slow down so that my brother slows down so that I'd walk alone. 

Is it better to leave it alone or talk to her about it? Whats the deal with her attitude?? 

 

 

[basil67]

It's not your place to talk to her about it.   And we can't speak to why she behaves this way.

I suggest you start refusing to visit with them

[ShyViolet]

I would 100% refuse to see them at this point.  This is really ridiculous.  Your in-law has a history of being a difficult person, in light of your first post in this thread where she was having problems getting along with your other in-law.  Stop allowing toxic people in your life.  This is their problem and not yours.

[riversidemf]

17 hours ago, basil67 said:

It's not your place to talk to her about it.   And we can't speak to why she behaves this way.

I suggest you start refusing to visit with them

 

17 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I would 100% refuse to see them at this point.  This is really ridiculous.  Your in-law has a history of being a difficult person, in light of your first post in this thread where she was having problems getting along with your other in-law.  Stop allowing toxic people in your life.  This is their problem and not yours.

so it would be out of line to let my brother know that I won't be tolerating anymore of her snarkiness and I will give her back the same energy?

They don't visit me. It's usually during family occasions.

 

Edited April 12 by riversidemf

[basil67]

1 hour ago, riversidemf said:

so it would be out of line to let my brother know that I won't be tolerating anymore of her snarkiness and I will give her back the same energy?

Actually, bringing it up with your brother is a really good idea.  But instead of telling him that you'll give her back the same energy, warn him that you're at the point of giving her a expletive laden mouthful next time she's rude to you 

[riversidemf]

22 hours ago, basil67 said:

Actually, bringing it up with your brother is a really good idea.  But instead of telling him that you'll give her back the same energy, warn him that you're at the point of giving her a expletive laden mouthful next time she's rude to you 

My mom told me not to say anything to not to cause problems.

[basil67]

27 minutes ago, riversidemf said:

My mom told me not to say anything to not to cause problems.

OK.  In that case, refuse to see them

[S2B]

On 4/13/2025 at 1:55 PM, riversidemf said:

My mom told me not to say anything to not to cause problems.

Why is your mom silencing you? You have a voice and should expect to be treated with respect if you are respecting them. 
speak up! Let her know the way she treats you is unkind and you expect better from her.

you have evidence that staying silent isn’t working! Let her know how you feel! That is healthy when done in a calm manner.

[riversidemf]

My other sibling and I talked to her about her behavior. She apologized to me. But now she has skipped family get togethers along with my brother.

I see what she's doing. She wanted this. Her snappiness, antagonistic behavior and us finally talking to her about it just gave her a reason to divide and conquer. We gave her what she wanted. She's getting pleasure.

My siblings and I were so close. I don't feel good...

[ShyViolet]

That really sucks, but it's not your fault and there's nothing you can do about it.  Your brother is making his choice and if he's letting his wife cause a rift in your family that's an unfortunate and stupid choice, but it's a choice that he has made.  You can't control the actions of other people.