Your Behaviour at the End?

[whattheheh?]

I am curious to know how you cope?

 

Over the past four years, (two years each), I've been led on by two different guys (successive relationships) with promises of love, a future, honesty, commmitment,monogamy, blah blah blah.

 

Despite my pleas for honesty throughout both relationships which they were both happy to drag on and on with loads of talk of a "future" but nothing concrete, both guys let me down in the most brutal of ways. Both relationships ended up with cruelty, indifference, thoughtlessness and mean behaviour on their parts. In fact, to my horror, in each instance, they didn't even have the heart to end it. With one, he just faded away into the wallpaper and the other fell off the face of the map for six months.

 

I'm not talking about marriage either, just plans for near-future events! Interesting how planning a vacation together gets translated to MARRIAGE! and "You're pressuring me".

Typical commitment-phobic responses I guess.

 

One of them even still has me on a BCC list despite the most outrageous behaviour at the end and acts as if nothing wrong took place?

 

Friends told me to walk away, cease all contact and let my silence speak volumes. The problem I find, is that I am still so angry, outraged and disgusted for being lied to and used. I never spoke my mind and told either of them how disgusted I am at their outrageous behaviour, (especially my last relationship) and what I think of them as human beings. I can't seem to shake this pain, hurt and anguish. I tried writing a letter outlining my pain and tossing it away but it still didn't help.

 

If this has happened to you? If you have been lied to, used etc., do you tell this person how you feel? Have the final say? or do you walk away in silence?

Some might say the other partner wouldn't "get" it even if you did?

 

Do you think pride and silence is appropriate? Do you think letting them know how hurt you are can give them satisfaction? Do you think these types will ever feel remorseful?

 

What did you do?

 

[riobikini]

Use the search button in this forum to look up topics relating to your situation, for now, -and read as many as you can.

 

A key word I suggest is 'commitment phobia'.

 

Start with that and see what you come up with.

 

And keep posting.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[heartnsoul]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t72764/

 

I'm linking you to a thread of mine from a couple months ago. JohnJohns reply regarding 'emotional abuse' had a profound affect on me. Sounds like our ex's may've been cut from the same cloth.

 

I would advise you to get your feelings off your chest with him. Had I taken the opportunities he gave me to 'unload' I know for fact (whether or not it sunk into his brain) I would've had a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I'm still holding onto hurt from something that happened months ago because I never spoke up.

 

I'm not sure what BCC is but if he contacts you again...take the opportunity to express how hurtful his behavior was.

 

"The truth shal set you free"

 

Good luck!

[Ezydriver]

Whattheheh,

I had a relationship with a woman who was confused, I was told she was madly in love with me one day, and treated like just a casual friend the next, when it did end she just stopped responding to texts and phonecalls, so after 2 days once the penny dropped, I stopped too. I wrote a letter, just saying sorry for my mistakes, what I'd learned, and thanking her, (after her blocking me out she didn't deserve a thank you letter) she did ring me once, just to thank me for the letter, but the point I'm trying to make is that not once did I let her in on how VERY HURT I was, or my anguish, I kept it together during the call (then had emotional meltdown) she knows nothing, I feel that in some way I'm not giving her the satisfaction of knowing, I want her to wonder, I dont want to boost her ego. This way, I keep my pride and dignity intact, which does help, definitely, and doesn't give her any closure on my feelings. Of course shes got closure on the relationship, she ended it, but I get a little smirk knowing that she is probably wondering how I feel, but cant be sure. Its just my little way of feeling better. Hope I've explained myself well. Theres always the possibility that she isn't wondering, but I doubt it, I bet shes thinking about it, if only a little. However, I do intend to tell her one day, but not for at least a year or two, when I'm finally over her and I've been over her for a while.

Steve.

[Lishy]

Think of it like this ..... So you have a few ways to let him know how he hurt you

 

1. Call him ....What if he doesnt answer or his new girlfriend answers? What if he acts like he does not care? What if he says sorry? Would you feel better?

 

2. Email ..... What if he doesnt reply? What if he replys sorry? what if he tells you he has moved on and so should you? Would you feel better?

 

3. Letter ... What if he doesnt reply? What if he replys and says he is sorry?

 

Does any of this change anything? Will it make you feel better? Will you suddenly move on and get over them?

 

The answer to the above is NO WAY ...... The reason you want to contact them is because you have not got over them!

 

Think carefully before you make a move of any sort .... Do as I do and post on here until you feel like you are driving everyone crazy (because you are not) We all have pain in our lives right now or we would not be here .... Use and abuse us and throw all of your anger at us! We will be here to help you.

 

If you contact them you will live to regret it.

 

Thats my opinion anyway - You will come across lots of opinions. Get all of your data together and then you can work things out for yourself my love!

[dnm1010]

i have this thing... i believe that telling someone what they did wrong might make u feel better but at the same time if you actually get through to the other person y oure actually doing THEM a favor.. youre helping them be a better person.. and if something pisses me off so much i prefer the nc and then i know theyre prolly gonna mess up again and again and they will end up losing. i dont want to do them the favor of helping them become a better person.

[whattheheh?]

 

Ok..what I left out? when the first guy played footsie with my time, love and energies and flunked out miserably, I was off the market for a while.

 

My trust went out the door. Enter new guy....he wanted to know about my past relationships and I told him what had happened and what I didn't want in a relationship. Everytime I said "please don't waste my time or play games" he reassured me over and over. Told me repeatedly how much he hated "liars" HAH!

 

That is what hurts the most. Despite trying to avoid all the pitfalls..he took me down the very same road as the first and then played footsie with my heart.on.....off.... BTW....BCC? that's Blind Carbon Copies..oh yessireee....now I don't get any phonecalls despite a year and a half of daily calls, webcams etc.....I get ((**&*(( jokes, changes of emails address from him but it's not addressed to me persay, oh no......I am one of many!

 

As you can see, I am fuming but my friends all tell me to keep my mouth shut. Don't give him the benefit of knowing how hurt I am.

 

Thanks for allowing me to vent. I want to not care so badly.

[notmakingsense]

Whattheheh,

I had a relationship with a woman who was confused, I was told she was madly in love with me one day, and treated like just a casual friend the next, when it did end she just stopped responding to texts and phonecalls, so after 2 days once the penny dropped, I stopped too. I wrote a letter, just saying sorry for my mistakes, what I'd learned, and thanking her, (after her blocking me out she didn't deserve a thank you letter) she did ring me once, just to thank me for the letter, but the point I'm trying to make is that not once did I let her in on how VERY HURT I was, or my anguish, I kept it together during the call (then had emotional meltdown) she knows nothing, I feel that in some way I'm not giving her the satisfaction of knowing, I want her to wonder, I dont want to boost her ego. This way, I keep my pride and dignity intact, which does help, definitely, and doesn't give her any closure on my feelings. Of course shes got closure on the relationship, she ended it, but I get a little smirk knowing that she is probably wondering how I feel, but cant be sure. Its just my little way of feeling better. Hope I've explained myself well. Theres always the possibility that she isn't wondering, but I doubt it, I bet shes thinking about it, if only a little. However, I do intend to tell her one day, but not for at least a year or two, when I'm finally over her and I've been over her for a while.

Steve.

 

This is really similar to my situation with an exgf with whom I broke up with a few times over the course of a few years. In the past breakups, I poured my heart out -- and it sort-of worked in that she would eventually come back -- but then the same old confusion/commitment-phobia would pop-up again and the cycle would continue. So, this last time, I did the same thing as you -- and went no-contact. And like you, it gives me some sense of pride and enjoyment that she is probably thinking about how different I am this time -- and sticking to the NC. I will try my hardest not to ever let her know how hurt I was -- even this last time -- except for years in the future -- if we still know eachother then -- and if I'm soooo hot/confident that she'll be sorry that she let me go. hehehe.....

[whattheheh?]

It's been 8 mos of silence and I just got a voicemail from him.

 

As my name says..."Whattheheh?" he says he will phone back! His voice sounded inquisitive but certainly non-apologetic. He has been thinking about me a lot lately....(yeah, right)

What would you do? hangup? quietly tell him how disgusted he has made you feel? Avoid all calls?

 

Help pls?

[riobikini]

RE:

 

From one of your earlier posts...

 

Whattheheh: " ....now I don't get any phonecalls despite a year and a half of daily calls, webcams etc.....I get ((**&*(( jokes, changes of emails address from him but it's not addressed to me per say, oh no......I am one of many! "

 

I am also familiar with this type of 'junk' email from an ex.

 

I think they may believe that sending these flimsy fragments of contact, somehow, is a polite measure in letting you down 'easy'.

 

They apparently think this out of a feeling of, perhaps, awkwardness in figuring out how to appropriately deal with the issue of contact with you.

 

It is also, I believe, a ridiculous attempt on their part to excuse themselves from any possible guilt feelings they might have in misleading or hurting you in the first place.

 

Still, the reason for them doing it may not be that, at all, but rather to keep some kind of vague contact with you, 'just in case'.

 

Meanwhile, if they hook up with someone else, and drop the contact with you completely, they can always lie to you -and themselves- by directing your attention to the fact that the emails were sent with many addresses at a time all attached at once, (insignifuicant, of course, benign), thereby, making you, again, feel like an idiot if you were to ever question the whole email contact issue, having taken it as a sign of hope for, maybe, someday reigniting the relationship.

 

Now the question at hand....

 

It's been eight months.

 

I am sure I will catch hell from other posters on what I am about to tell you, -but just hear me out, (all of you) before lighting in.

 

Since I don't know what kind of relationship that the two of you had, as well as none of your relationship problems, I cannot tell you to just blow him off and not listen.

 

I do not know how deeply -or not- that you loved.

 

So, with that said, I leave you with this: depending on whether or not you have used these eight months well and really looked at what the relationship was based on or was lacking in, -whether the problems were 'workable', whether both of you were willing but just didn't for some reason, -whether it was even worth saving, at all, -and whether or not you have any new insight into what you, yourself, are made of, spurred by this break-up, and whether or not you still do truly love him and feel sure that he has genuine love for you -and if you have the courage to answer yourself truthfully and honestly about all these things, -then you need no one to tell you what to do.

 

You already know.

 

Take Care.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[whattheheh?]

Rio,

 

Just read and reread your post a few times.

 

For me, I believe my ex was just another commitment phobic. I told him of my reticence to get involved because the relationship before his was wrought with commitment issues that were drawn out over 2 years.

 

I was told a million times it wouldn't be like this with him. It was in spades. In fact, this was much worse.

 

Here's my problem. I realize I didn't heed my red flags enough. My problem, to be sure, is when a relationship ends....I extricate myself without words, no ending, I just pull back out of self protection. Then I seethe with anger inside replaying in my mind, all the things I wanted to say to him. His behaviour towards me was cruel, confusing and thoughtless.

 

I feel like he got away with treating me like garbage. I travelled half way across the world and got horrible mixed messages then nothing. Now this call,

telling me he's been thinking about me a lot lately, missing me, wondering how I am? It makes my blood boil.

 

Bottom line, I don't want to let myself down and disrespect my integrity or dignity. How do I get rid of my anger? That is why I wanted to know? I want to stand up for myself but there is a part of me that wants to quietly & verbally let him have it.

 

I am still confused.

[riobikini]

Dear Whattheheh,

 

I identify with your need to tell him face-to-face how you feel about how he has treated you, -I wanted to do the same thing in my break-up.

 

I didn't.

 

But I did think about it and wonder if it would make me feel better -or not.

 

I decided it wouldn't, -and, besides, I thought it would cause him to remember me more unfavorably.

 

Why did I care about that?

 

The answer is simple: firstly, it would have put me in a position of 'victim' -something I detest- and would be breathing life into that by me taking on the role of 'accuser', seeking to blame someone for something they 'did' to me.

 

The way I see it, (for me, personally) -I was a willing participant, -however, a not-so-well-informed one- but a participant, nonetheless, in something that demanded the presence of two people to even exist.

 

The best solution for me was to simply break it off.

 

Withdrawing my presence, from my perspective, reduced my chances of feeling like a victim of anything, and produced the most profound statement of how I felt without words.

 

Again, I am repeating the following thought which I found somewhere here in the forum, and which has been a little piece of dynamite for me:

 

" Silence is the most profound 'Good-bye' you will ever not hear. "

 

And it truly is.

 

As for the anger you feel, -it's actually good for you- that is, unless it's the kind that 'bites' you back.

 

Explanation: Anger is a common phase a lot of us (and many posters here) go through when we feel we've been especially 'wronged' or misled in a relationship.

 

But finding yourself relying on the anger for strength to bolster yourself for long stretches and not being able to work past it is a sign it's working against you, -not for you.

 

How to determine if you are stuck in the anger phase?

 

The answer to that is when you find that, no matter how much time it's been since the break-up -months or even years, maybe- you still feel the same flash of livid anger you felt just after the break-up.

 

If thinking of the break-up still causes you to want to knock on his door, kick something, pound a pillow, or any other similar physical reaction, -then, it's time to get help.

 

It may be an anger control problem you've had all along, or one you are just developing from having experienced traumatic or extraordinary rejection and heart-break, perhaps, more than once, and which has never been truly reconciled.

 

In some cases, you can work on it yourself, with self-help books and groups, etc, if you are honest with yourself, have the necessary discipline and determination to succeed, and a good judge of your own progress.

 

If you have to admit to yourself that you do not possess these traits, then you should seek therapeutic help from a professional.

 

Feeling moderate doses of anger throughout a lifetime can be helpful in 'boning up' on your own strengths, discovering your weaknesses, and learning how well your emotional defense mechanisms and coping skills are working, -but it becomes an abscess in your life, if you cannot work past it and reconcile it, -first with yourself, -then, when you are ready, -and if it becomes a necessary part of your therapy- talking about the anger you feel with the one you feel played a role in it's development.

 

If you are able to work through the anger without having to confront the one who hurt you, you are not just 'lucky', -you are much better off than you may have realized.

 

I hope for the best for you, and I also hope what I have said has helped you, -and others who happen to run across this post- in some way.

 

Keep posting, -you may be an inspiration in the making for many other posters with this very frequent problem with post-break-up issues.

 

At any rate, I thank you for the opportunity to talk about this subject.

 

(Smile)

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

[whattheheh?]

Thanks for your post Rio.

 

You are a mature woman who has carefully thought out behaviours, cause and effects very carefully! that is evident.

 

I reread your post......my anger stems I believe from a lack of assertiveness in relationships - I can and do speak but not up and out, I try to be the mature one who never raises their voice or swears in a confrontation. Hence, I bury many deep-rooted feelings beneath the surface out of fear? pride? I don't know. I loathe arguments and raised voices. I try to communicate from a quiet stable place but I never get heard. Then, I get frustrated.

 

I am certainly no violent type or vindictive by nature. I love those women and men who can just say "I'm out of here" when things turn sour. Sounds so normal right? I've never been like that, too much of a lady or fool.

 

I appreciate silence and it's total reasoning speaks volumes and I agree, being a victim is not a great way to hold your head high. But, what do I do if I pick up the phone and it's him again? Should I be polite and short? Not say anything at al? Hang up? I won't email him...that would be too much work and I don't feel the need to extend myself anymore. He frankly doesn't deserve anything from me anymore.

 

What would you do? In the meanwhile, I am using call display and voicemail.

 

Thanks Rio!

[riobikini]

Two very important things:

 

If you truly do feel that you do not need to extend yourself, any longer, -and if you believe you do have the strength to speak to him, -then write down what you want to say -keeping it very brief, of course- practice it for a day or so out loud, and in private, mentally visualizing having the short conversation.

 

The next time he calls, take a deep breath or two, pick up the phone and say what you have to say, -nothing else- do not engage in a conversation with him, -just say the few short, calm words you have to say.

 

If he breaks into the conversation, attempting to stop your brief statement, leave the conversation by firmly stating that you do not wish to be contacted again by him, which, if you are serious to begin with, should have been the last words you were going to say in the first place.

 

Then leave it alone.

 

Leave it alone when he attempts to call back.

 

Leave it alone when he leaves the next voice-mail.

 

Leave it alone when he surprises you out of the blue with a phone call, when you are least expecting it.

 

Let it be the last word, -your last word.

 

Then, if he continues to be an annoyance, change your number or block his.

 

At some point, he will get the 'message' you have sent, stating your position, without you ever having to have made a single call.

 

Let it be his last quarter.

 

Then just let it be.

 

-Rio

[whattheheh?]

Thanks Rio. Points taken!

[whattheheh?]

Hi,

I'm back again with a postscript.

 

Well, he IM'd me last week after 9 months of silence (minus the voice message) asking me if I was "alive"?

 

I stared at the screen and took a deep breath. I am proud of the way I conducted myself. He pushed me to find out why he hadn't heard from me? duh? (what is this? narcisicism at it's finest?)

 

I told him exactly what I thought of him as a person in a dignified way and made it perfectly clear I thought he was an unfeeling man who takes, lies and manipulates and is incapable of any kind of civility or kindness. Had he apologized or even found some kind of excuse for his abysmal behaviour, I might have given him a crumb of kindness.

 

Needless to say, as I imagined, he made me the bad one, got so infantile, he accused me of "Ruining him for the rest of his life" "Regretted contacting me, sorry he even thought of it" (gee, I thought high school was years ago). All accusatory, defensive and blaming mechanisms all in one.

 

Was I surprised? No. Did his words upset me? Nope, I did it for me. I must admit I can understand Rio's take but let me tell you, if felt good to get it off my chest and end it my way for the first time in my life. I feel empowered. For the first time in any relationship, I left with silence and got the last word - should have done this years ago instead of carrying pain like luggage.

 

I still can't understand why a man can treat a woman so incredibly bad and then contact her 9 months later as if nothing had happened? What is up with that? What's worse, my friends think he may actually want to contact me again down the road.....surely not after this no?

 

Red flags blowing in the wind.... Red flags before the love tunnel tracks, Red flags sirening their warning calls....I will heed them next time.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

I told my ex how much he hurt me and disrespected me, and I got no response. Only silence.

[sadfish]

I've told my ex numerous times how i felt about him, the break up, his behavior during our relationship, and after and how i feel about him now...said some pretty harsh things. Have even told him to leave me alone, ask him why he wants my friendship...yet he STILL comes back and is friendly with me, even when have a momentary lapse in sanity and go off on him. He says he's being patient cos he knows i'm not really like this and doesn't want to lose me...yet he's not interested in me romantically anymore. *blinks*

 

No clue why he does it, why he comes back and wants my friendship. It's like he can't stand that i'm not interested in being his friend and fight it, yet intrigued still by it all. I know, i could just block him, and i have before, he just finds me another way.

 

People make no sense, even me

[the_alchemyst]

I am curious to know how you cope? . . . If this has happened to you? If you have been lied to, used etc., do you tell this person how you feel? Have the final say? or do you walk away in silence?

Some might say the other partner wouldn't "get" it even if you did?

 

Do you think pride and silence is appropriate? Do you think letting them know how hurt you are can give them satisfaction? Do you think these types will ever feel remorseful?

 

What did you do?

 

 

As some of you may know, I've only had one serious relationship that lasted two years. I met this guy when we were both 15, but didn't start dating some until some years later; the "love" or feelings were there from the very beginning, though, even though we were not a couple. I'm guessing this is why it's harder to let go--because it's been so long.

 

We broke up a week ago; this is our 4th break-up. The last time we broke up and got back together, we promised we would not break up again. Well, so much for that, eh?

 

So, what am I doing? Nothing, really. I am very glad that time time, unlike the past 3 times, I'm not a walking martyr. I used to cry non-stop for weeks. This last time I was down for the entire 3 months. Crying every day and every night. I would literally just be in my room, curled up on my bed, remisniscing of the better days, and wondering how someone whom loved me so much could just say "it's over." I wouldn't eat well at all, I slept very little, I wouldn't go anywhere . . . . Terrible, don't you think?

 

This time I have cried, but not a lot. I still love him just as much, I'm not going to sit here and lie and say that I don't: I do. I miss him and I wish we were still together. I wish I could kiss him. I wish I could hug him. I wish I could feel his very being next to mine. I wish I could go to his house to talk to him to try to fix things. I wish things could be fixed.

 

But I can't do any of these. I mean, sure I can show up at his house and cling onto him, but what will that do? Scare him to death? I'll pass up the humiliation this time.

 

So, I guess that is what I am doing: Wishing.

 

I'm still going to school (more or less, >__<) and doing the things that I need to get done. In my spare time I try to go out with my friends to have some laughs. At night, I just stay up online either talking with my friend or just surfing the web. I also try to play videogames and read books.

 

So: I'm evading the feelings. Or trying to, anyway.

 

I try as hard as I can not to cry . . . to not think about him, but it's hard seeing as how half of the decorations in my room were his gifts.

 

I'm trying to hang in there by avoiding the feelings. Seems to be working better than when I faced them head on; I never seemed to get any better, then.

 

Sigh.

 

I've been contemplating calling him to see him so that I can tell him how he made me feel during the relationship, when we broke up, and how I am feeling now. I really want to let him know, but knowing him, he will either stay silent or act like an a**h*** and say his infamous "I don't care" line.

 

But then again, I always do look for him. Maybe he's gotten used to that. This time, I'll try not to; I'll let that speak for itself.

 

Why let him know the love within me has been stolen?

 

I'll just feel worse.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Sadfish, it sounds like he wants you to be his "back-up girl".

[sadfish]

Yeah, Jen Jen, i've had some friends tell me this too...which is even more frustrating! lol I know it's not healthy because he's been in a relationship now for about 9 months and we slipped a few weeks ago and well, you know. Part of me really wants to let his current gf know what happened, but i know it's not my place to tell her

 

I don't know why i do this to myself, but it's not like i'm not open to someone else or haven't been out there dating people--he/it just really gets to me, and i let him/it unfortunately...

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Honey, he is totally manipulating and using you. And if you can't see that, I don't think anything that anyone says here will convince you otherwise. If you have one ounce of self-respect left you need to RUN....run as far away as you can from him. DO NOT contact him or respond to his attempts to contact you. He is poison.

[jerbear]

In my case, I refocused my attention to completing my graduate studies. (This works this time) Very big stride in my life, plus bday next month, graduate in may. So got a few good things coming up.

 

I didn't go into details on the breakup message and kept it vague, I thought I kept it gentlemanly, direct to the point, and part ways.

 

It was this sunday that I did the above.