Goodlife Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 My wife and I were caught in the typical spiral of a worsening marriage. We ended up separating, and during this time I learned a great many things about myself and others. For the first month that my wife was gone, my best friend was there for me all the time. He was separated from his wife and had been for almost a year. Since he worked for my company, we were always around each other and we grew extremely close. I had helped him through all the rough times and he in turn did the same for me. Unfortunately, about a month after my wife left, I found out he was helping her too, of course in quite a different way. I was fully prepared for her to be with someone else during our separation, it seemed almost inevitable. However, I was not prepared for it to be my best friend. I have learned that it is actually quite common, yet somehow that has failed to comfort me(ha! ha!).Even worse, I found out he didn't even wait until she move out- it happened once 8 days before she left. Like most people, I never thought this would be something I could deal with, but I am. My wife was gone for four months and now she is back at home. She has been back for three months and our communication has never been better. Counseling has helped but not as much as we have helped ourselves. I've read alot on this site and have learned alot as well. It's both comforting and disheartening to know so many others feel my pain. I would like to hear some opinions about lessening negative thoughts. I'm sure some(if not all of you) will think I'm crazy, but at this point my "friend" still works for me. He does do a good job and is a leader in the company. That is why my decision to fire him this coming monday has been difficult, but I realize I have to. Maybe if I don't see him everyday it will eventually make my disturbing visions a little more blurry. My wife by the way has had no contact with him for four months. Being who I am, I still do care about him, I just have no respect for him. I hope you all can suggest some good reads or anything to help, reading some of your threads has already helped, and I do believe my wife and I will have a wonderful life together. Thank you all for sharing your stories and insights, they've been a comfort to me.
Spectre Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 dude ok, she screwed ur best friend while u were on a break, not only that, she screwed ur best friend BEFORE the break even happened, this same friend you claim you were there for was making a complete and total fool out of you. he would comfort you, then go screw your wife. First of all, why are you still with this woman? Yes, I'm sure your communication now is good, why? cuz she's gotten the affair out of her system. She basically got to have her cake and eat to. My question is why should you have to take that? why would you want to take that? She slept with your best friend, cheating is bad enough, cheating on someone with their best friend is just low and shows what type of person they are. You are right to fire your friend. HE is the one who betrayed you, he is the one that made you look like a fool, hell if I were you he'd get fired + a beatdown in the parking lot, you just DONT mess around with ur friends wife. Now onto your wife, I suggest "firing" her too. No matter what she says or what excuses she feeds you? she cheated, with your best friend. That is inexcusable, you should just get a divorce, if not this could just lead to a growing resentment and the possibility of this happening again
lilmoma1973 Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 I feel for you that your wife cheated on you with your best friend and the audasity of him trying to help you cope with her leaving and all alone he was screwing what an a@@ !! I know you can't know till you are in the situation but not so sure i would want my spouse back after that.. My best friend slept with my b/f and we don't talk any more and her friendship meant more to me than he did.. You just don't do that ,its just coldhearted and inconsiderate of ones feelings.. Well he got your sloppy seconds ...
Citizen Erased Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 I feel for you that your wife cheated on you with your best friend and the audasity of him trying to help you cope with her leaving and all alone he was screwing what an a@@ !! I know you can't know till you are in the situation but not so sure i would want my spouse back after that.. My best friend slept with my b/f and we don't talk any more and her friendship meant more to me than he did.. You just don't do that ,its just coldhearted and inconsiderate of ones feelings.. Well he got your sloppy seconds ... eew!!! Sloppy Seconds!!!
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 My wife and I were caught in the typical spiral of a worsening marriage. We ended up separating, and during this time I learned a great many things about myself and others. For the first month that my wife was gone, my best friend was there for me all the time. He was separated from his wife and had been for almost a year. Since he worked for my company, we were always around each other and we grew extremely close. I had helped him through all the rough times and he in turn did the same for me. Unfortunately, about a month after my wife left, I found out he was helping her too, of course in quite a different way. I was fully prepared for her to be with someone else during our separation, it seemed almost inevitable. However, I was not prepared for it to be my best friend. I have learned that it is actually quite common, yet somehow that has failed to comfort me(ha! ha!).Even worse, I found out he didn't even wait until she move out- it happened once 8 days before she left. Like most people, I never thought this would be something I could deal with, but I am. My wife was gone for four months and now she is back at home. She has been back for three months and our communication has never been better. Counseling has helped but not as much as we have helped ourselves. I've read alot on this site and have learned alot as well. It's both comforting and disheartening to know so many others feel my pain. I would like to hear some opinions about lessening negative thoughts. I'm sure some(if not all of you) will think I'm crazy, but at this point my "friend" still works for me. He does do a good job and is a leader in the company. That is why my decision to fire him this coming monday has been difficult, but I realize I have to. Maybe if I don't see him everyday it will eventually make my disturbing visions a little more blurry. My wife by the way has had no contact with him for four months. Being who I am, I still do care about him, I just have no respect for him. I hope you all can suggest some good reads or anything to help, reading some of your threads has already helped, and I do believe my wife and I will have a wonderful life together. Thank you all for sharing your stories and insights, they've been a comfort to me. You've done the right thing, as hard it is to let your friend go, he isn't someone you can be around. Maybe one day in the future both of you can sit and sort things out IF you still want him in your life. Right now the focus should be on the marriage. You and your wife together can fix what is broken, continue with marriage counselling. My only question actually is, is your wife telling the truth? I mean, finding out she slept with your bestfriend before she moved out makes me wonder if they had been sleeping together for a while and neither of them wanted to tell you. Keep your eyes open, be upfront and honest about EVERYTHING. She shouldn't hold back either. Good luck and keep posting!
Author Goodlife Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 I've probably asked her a million times about when it started, and I think she's telling the truth. She says the guilt she felt afterwards was unbearable and that's why she left. I know that if I want to be with her I can't spend all my time holding her to the fire, but I guess that's the hardest part of this. I don't want to make it too easy for her, but I don't want to be an ass forever. We both would love to move past this faster than we are, but I'm sure everyone who's done this feels the same way. I'm almost 32 years old, and we've been together almost 12 years. It's hard to listen to people tell me to dump her, but I understand. This is something that I never thought I would be able to deal with. Love can obviously drive an otherwise completely rational person into what at times seems like a realm of insanity--especially from an outsiders point of view. I always thought that the physical act would be more than I could handle, and to some it probably is. For me, it's the details- the hows and whys, all the little intimate things that hurt the most. One thing that most people don't understand is that I'm less angry with her than with him. I wasn't setting any records for being the best husband, I gave her plenty of reasons to feel angry and even neglected at times. For him though, I never did anything but help. This is the first time in my life I have ever questioned my ability to judge someones character- I was certainly wrong about him. Somehow now, everyone that works for me has found out about it and it's made work a little awkward. They all act like they're afraid of me. Hopefully in time that will go away. So far so good, thanks for taking the time to reply.
a4a Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Well it is obvious you are looking for some peace and have a outlook that I am not sure I am capable of if I were in your shoes. Have you been through the typical stages of anger and so forth already? Do you feel like you are being too logical and unselfish about the whole ordeal? It sounds like you have come quite a long way for just 3 months.... which is super. a4a- going to the circus on the moon
sylviaguardian Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Goodlife, It is hard to listen to people who say 'Dump him'her', I know. But nobody can understand it unless they've been there. At the end of the day, your wife cheated on you so in some ways it is irrelevant that it is was your best friend. It is true that this probably happens often - after all your best friend is likely to have many of the qualities that she saw in you. From your point of view though, you've got the double whammy - being let down by two people who you trusted the most. I applaud you for still having feelings for your best friend - there is no way that I could have employed someone who had done that to me. I think you have done the right thing firing him. That will go a long way towards helping you forget. My husband had an affair with a co-worker and has not been able to find another job yet. For me, the affair has never been able to be 'buried'. It has caused even more damage. As for the negative thoughts, I think you have done remarkably well. At your stage, I was still a living walking wreck of a person. My main concern was not curbing negative thoughts, it was curbing the overrriding feeling that my life had been a total waste of time. Negative thoughts can be suppressed though. I was very guilty of recreational anger where I would sit and mull over all the things I could have done/said. All it did was wreck my brain further. Affairs do make you question everything. After my husband's affair I realised that I was as gullible as the next person. I also found that my friends went through a re-shuffle. When I was in my worst phase, I realised that some people who I had thought were great friends just didn't want to know. But there were people who I thought were fairweather friends who also notched up the friendship ladder by being there for me. Such is life. The people at work are probably not afraid of you - they probably just don't know how to act so you have to set a standard for them to take a cue from. Would it be possible for you to be up-front? You could send an email acknowledging the situation or you could mention in conversation that you and your wife had problems that are being sorted out? Sometimes this is easier for people, rather than tip-toeing around not knowing what to say. You are doing just great. Trust your own decisions. Syl
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