savannahtree Posted November 6, 2024 Posted November 6, 2024 More of a rant than anything, but I (30 M) had a first date with a woman (also 30) on the weekend after messaging for a while on hinge. We met up for a nature walk and then she suggested getting a drink after, which led to another and then to dinner. We said we'd do something again at the end, made out a bit and then drove off separately. Whole date lasted like 6/ 7 hours. She text straight after to say she had a really good time and that dinner was on her next time, so I'm thinking it went well and that she's keen. I replied the next day to take her up on her offer and suggested a date, but then after over a day of no response she text to say she's got too much on to be dating again etc, that we had loads in common but she wants to calm things down. In her defence her life does sound pretty hectic atm - buying a house, new job and research programme, which she just moved from another city for. So it blew a lot! I've been dating long enough to know that it essentially means 'I had fun, but I don't fancy you enough to factor you into my hectic life', which is absolutely fine, but I thought for her to send the initial text straight after the date was misleading. It got my hopes up, which is my own problem, but there it is. Maybe she felt it in the moment and then woke up and didn't feel it, it doesn't really matter, I just want to rant :) Anyone else got similar stories?
Gaeta Posted November 6, 2024 Posted November 6, 2024 3 minutes ago, savannahtree said: Anyone else got similar stories? I am a woman. It did not happen to me but I acted like that woman many times when I was online dating. I would go on a date, I enjoyed myself, came home and thanked the man for the nice date. Then the dust settled down and realized I was not really interested. Sure I had a good time but it was more like a brotherly thing. 2
Author savannahtree Posted November 6, 2024 Author Posted November 6, 2024 21 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I am a woman. It did not happen to me but I acted like that woman many times when I was online dating. I would go on a date, I enjoyed myself, came home and thanked the man for the nice date. Then the dust settled down and realized I was not really interested. Sure I had a good time but it was more like a brotherly thing. Thanks, yeah I get that. Can you appreciate that it comes across as misleading, especially if there is a hint toward a second date? For me, and I'm sure a lot of people, to see a positive text from them so soon after the date is a good sign and leads to disappointment/ confusion when it gets turned around. I'm not begrudging anyone here, I really do understand that we all miscommunicate sometimes, but it still blows. 2
glows Posted November 6, 2024 Posted November 6, 2024 (edited) She’s just not interested in seeing you regularly. This is leading more towards something casual and you’re right to move on if you’re looking for something more substantial. Edited November 6, 2024 by glows 1
Gaeta Posted November 6, 2024 Posted November 6, 2024 18 minutes ago, savannahtree said: Can you appreciate that it comes across as misleading, especially if there is a hint toward a second date? For me, and I'm sure a lot of people, to see a positive text from them so soon after the date is a good sign and leads to disappointment/ confusion when it gets turned around No, I do not see it as misleading. In the dating world it's well known it's normal to be unsure of dating someone up to date 3. And if after date 3 you don't feel that connection and you keep on dating this person then yes it's misleading. That is why it's important to not invest any hope in those first couple of dates. What if you like a woman and had a good first date, then you invite her on a 2nd date and then you discover something about her you don't like and you don't wish to continue, that means she can accuse you of misleading her? only because there was a second date? Of course not. 1
Author savannahtree Posted November 6, 2024 Author Posted November 6, 2024 37 minutes ago, Gaeta said: What if you like a woman and had a good first date, then you invite her on a 2nd date and then you discover something about her you don't like and you don't wish to continue, that means she can accuse you of misleading her? only because there was a second date? Of course not. If I had text her after the second date with a hint to a third, then yes, I would say that's misleading (though completely appreciative of how feelings can change at a whim early on), which is the equivalent of my experience but one date ahead. The 'three date rule' doesn't mean that communication can't come across as misleading. Misinterpretation is a different matter, but I'm not sure how I could have interpreted her text any differently. 1
Gaeta Posted November 6, 2024 Posted November 6, 2024 (edited) 2 hours ago, savannahtree said: If I had text her after the second date with a hint to a third, then yes, I would say that's misleading If you don't relax and keep on taking it personally you will get burnt pretty fast at online dating. What you have experienced is normal, brush it off and move to next. Don't try to find a reason to be offended. Just let it go. When you meet the right one it will unfold naturally. I was 3 years online. I got lied to, mislead, played, ghosted, l did not analyze it, l dropped it and moved to next. When l met by boyfriend it clicked and everything was easy from there. Edited November 6, 2024 by Gaeta 3
Leihla_B Posted November 6, 2024 Posted November 6, 2024 9 hours ago, savannahtree said: ...Whole date lasted like 6/ 7 hours. She text straight after ... I replied the next day to take her up on her offer and suggested a date... Too much, too soon. It's never a good idea to stretch a first date so many hours--even if she's the one who pushes for that. It's a kind of overkill that might be enjoyable in the moment, but it can make a person feel raw afterward. Then, before she had a chance to catch her breath, you asked her out again the very next day. Leave enough breathing room for reflection. It will not only raise your chances of a 'yes,' it will be a yes you can trust. 2
basil67 Posted November 7, 2024 Posted November 7, 2024 I understand that you felt mislead, but I think the term "misleading" implies intent to deceive. However, it sounds like what actually happened is that she simply changed her mind. Had she gone on the second date while already knowing that she didn't want a future with you, this is where deception comes into it Sorry it didn't work out for you 1
Gebidozo Posted November 7, 2024 Posted November 7, 2024 I’m a guy. This has happened to me in both directions - there was a nice date and then either the woman or I (mostly both) felt it wasn’t quite enough to develop something romantic. It’s a completely normal thing, there is nothing misleading here. Don’t expect so much from first dates, they usually mean nothing. 1
Acacia98 Posted November 7, 2024 Posted November 7, 2024 18 hours ago, savannahtree said: Maybe she felt it in the moment and then woke up and didn't feel it, it doesn't really matter, I just want to rant Anyone else got similar stories? It's okay to feel disappointed, @savannahtree. Rant, get it out of your system, and adjust your expectations. 1
Author savannahtree Posted November 7, 2024 Author Posted November 7, 2024 10 hours ago, Leihla_B said: Too much, too soon. It's never a good idea to stretch a first date so many hours--even if she's the one who pushes for that. It's a kind of overkill that might be enjoyable in the moment, but it can make a person feel raw afterward. Then, before she had a chance to catch her breath, you asked her out again the very next day. Leave enough breathing room for reflection. It will not only raise your chances of a 'yes,' it will be a yes you can trust. Thanks, not sure I agree with all that, but I get your point. If I had said no to her suggestion to go for a drink after then that might make her think I'm not interested. I feel waiting a day to respond to a text that came immediately after the date was a fair wait. Ultimately it comes down to whether a person is interested or not. I feel all the 'rules' make no difference, i.e. we can text as soon as we want if they are interested, and if they're not interested, it's not going to make a difference how long we wait. 2
Leihla_B Posted November 8, 2024 Posted November 8, 2024 18 hours ago, savannahtree said: Thanks, not sure I agree with all that, but I get your point. If I had said no to her suggestion to go for a drink after then that might make her think I'm not interested. I feel waiting a day to respond to a text that came immediately after the date was a fair wait. Ultimately it comes down to whether a person is interested or not. I feel all the 'rules' make no difference, i.e. we can text as soon as we want if they are interested, and if they're not interested, it's not going to make a difference how long we wait. It's not about 'rules.' A person can feel fabulous after a date and yet still feel a need to normalize in the comfort of privacy afterward. An immediate invitation before that's accomplished can hit like, 'too much, too soon...' and can prompt a negative reaction that would NOT have otherwise been the case. This isn't about when you replied, only that you could have simply done so without an immediate invitation that required a decision. Also, accepting a drink to close the night isn't the issue--but extending a date to 7 hours wasn't necessary, either. None of this makes you 'wrong,' it's just go-forward info you can use to your advantage--or not. But it makes no sense to ask for input with a purpose of defending against it.
Acacia98 Posted November 8, 2024 Posted November 8, 2024 On 11/6/2024 at 4:33 PM, savannahtree said: I replied the next day to take her up on her offer and suggested a date, but then after over a day of no response she text to say she's got too much on to be dating again etc, that we had loads in common but she wants to calm things down. In her defence her life does sound pretty hectic atm - buying a house, new job and research programme, which she just moved from another city for. So it blew a lot! I've been dating long enough to know that it essentially means 'I had fun, but I don't fancy you enough to factor you into my hectic life', which is absolutely fine, but I thought for her to send the initial text straight after the date was misleading. I can't speak for her, but in my own personal experience, it is possible for someone's life to be too hectic for dating or a relationship. I was once in the situation where I was too overwhelmed by my responsibilities and everything else going on in my life to give the person I was dating the kind of time and attention that would allow us to actually get to know each other. It was better to stop dating than to keep postponing or cancelling dates and expecting him to be satisfied with a few crumbs. It's possible he thought I was just trying to reject him softly. But the reality is that, after I stopped seeing him, I didn't date anyone else for over a year. You may ask why a person in this situation would agree to date in the first place. Well, sometimes, we are the worst judges of just how much we're capable of handling. We think we'll manage just fine. And then we don't. Alternatively, when we start dating, our lives may be less hectic, then things may start to get busier or more difficult. I'm just trying to say, don't automatically assume that someone is rejecting you on a personal level when they say their life is too hectic for dating. 1
Author savannahtree Posted November 8, 2024 Author Posted November 8, 2024 5 hours ago, Leihla_B said: It's not about 'rules.' A person can feel fabulous after a date and yet still feel a need to normalize in the comfort of privacy afterward. An immediate invitation before that's accomplished can hit like, 'too much, too soon...' and can prompt a negative reaction that would NOT have otherwise been the case. This isn't about when you replied, only that you could have simply done so without an immediate invitation that required a decision. Also, accepting a drink to close the night isn't the issue--but extending a date to 7 hours wasn't necessary, either. None of this makes you 'wrong,' it's just go-forward info you can use to your advantage--or not. But it makes no sense to ask for input with a purpose of defending against it. It's all good info, I appreciate it. It sounds like rules (or tactics, however to call it) to me though. In this case the rule is we can't suggest another date until x amount of time has passed to allow x to have digested the date. I must admit I really didn't want to have dinner. Like you suggest, it was dragging by then. The second drink was my suggestion, but in the moment I didn't know how to say I'd rather call it a night when the food menu came out.
Author savannahtree Posted November 8, 2024 Author Posted November 8, 2024 3 hours ago, Acacia98 said: I can't speak for her, but in my own personal experience, it is possible for someone's life to be too hectic for dating or a relationship. I was once in the situation where I was too overwhelmed by my responsibilities and everything else going on in my life to give the person I was dating the kind of time and attention that would allow us to actually get to know each other. It was better to stop dating than to keep postponing or cancelling dates and expecting him to be satisfied with a few crumbs. It's possible he thought I was just trying to reject him softly. But the reality is that, after I stopped seeing him, I didn't date anyone else for over a year. You may ask why a person in this situation would agree to date in the first place. Well, sometimes, we are the worst judges of just how much we're capable of handling. We think we'll manage just fine. And then we don't. Alternatively, when we start dating, our lives may be less hectic, then things may start to get busier or more difficult. I'm just trying to say, don't automatically assume that someone is rejecting you on a personal level when they say their life is too hectic for dating. Yeah thanks, it means a lot. I think my default is to think it's a soft rejection. Sometimes people give such a reason and then you see they've updated all their hinge pictures etc or see them out with someone else and it sucks. She isn't appearing in my hinge matches anymore, so she might have deleted her account (or unmatched me!). In any case I said good luck to her and not to worry about it. 2
Leihla_B Posted November 8, 2024 Posted November 8, 2024 (edited) 6 hours ago, savannahtree said: ...It sounds like rules (or tactics, however to call it) to me though. In this case the rule is we can't suggest another date until x amount of time has passed to allow x to have digested the date. I must admit I really didn't want to have dinner. Like you suggest, it was dragging by then. The second drink was my suggestion, but in the moment I didn't know how to say I'd rather call it a night when the food menu came out. It's not a rule, it's practical. A certain amount of massage can feel fabulous, but if you rub someone raw, it makes no sense to go straight back to that spot and rub it some more. That won't be perceived in a good way. Seven hours of a first date is too much of a good thing. By itself, it may have been recoverable if the rawness was left alone for a while to heal. You don't have to agree. Go ahead and do it again, it's not against the law. It just won't buy you the results you'd hope for. Edited November 8, 2024 by Leihla_B
Acacia98 Posted November 11, 2024 Posted November 11, 2024 (edited) On 11/8/2024 at 1:48 PM, savannahtree said: Yeah thanks, it means a lot. I think my default is to think it's a soft rejection. Sometimes people give such a reason and then you see they've updated all their hinge pictures etc or see them out with someone else and it sucks. She isn't appearing in my hinge matches anymore, so she might have deleted her account (or unmatched me!). In any case I said good luck to her and not to worry about it. You did well. On 11/8/2024 at 8:23 PM, Leihla_B said: Seven hours of a first date is too much of a good thing. By itself, it may have been recoverable if the rawness was left alone for a while to heal. You know, OP, it occurred to me that the seven-hour date could have led her to believe that this was what you expected going forward. If she doesn't have much free time and believes that you would want to meet pretty regularly and have extended dates, she may feel like she simply can't live up to your expectations. So that might be one reason to avoid super-extended dates when you've just met someone. Edited November 11, 2024 by Acacia98 1
Author savannahtree Posted November 11, 2024 Author Posted November 11, 2024 16 minutes ago, Acacia98 said: You did well. You know, OP, it occurred to me that the seven-hour date could have led her to believe that this was what you expected going forward. If she doesn't have much free time and believes that you would want to meet pretty regularly and have extended dates, she may feel like she simply can't live up to your expectations. So that might be one reason to avoid super-extended dates when you've just met someone. Possibly! I had no expectations, not that she would know. I had hopes for some more dates for sure, whether they be long or short, regular or not. Hard to articulate that though..
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