In mourning Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 I discovered my husbands affair 3mths ago. He has begged forgiveness, promised he loves me, and can't understand why he aloud it to happen. He has been wonderful since I found out and has done everything possible to let me know how much he loves me. My problem is that I am hurt and it shows. He is acting as if nothing has happened and we have always been blissfully married. I can't pretend as if it never happened. He will often ask me what is wrong. What am I supposed to say to him. I don't want to constantly throw my hurt in his face and I can't hide my pain from him. I stay up a couple times a week crying and trying to find someway to put this behind me or at least find forgiveness. I know I need to talk to him about how I am still feeling, I just don't know how to approach the subject without him throwing his hands up and asking if I will ever get over it. The truth is I really don't know if I can get over it. It's the first thing I think of in the morning and it never leaves my thoughts. I love him and I do want to fogive him I just can't yet. It feels as if it happened yesturday I don't understand why he doesn't already know what's wrong I know he does'nt really want me to tell him why I look so sad. Any help out there? I need the right words and I can't find them in me.
slubberdegullion Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 This is something that is entirely under your control, though it may not feel like it right now. It is up to you when to decide about forgiveness. It is up to you to feel better about yourself and him and your relationship. It is up to you to determine if you want to stay with him. If he's pulling the old "just get over it already!" stuff, understand that it's a way of turning himself into the victim. Now, you have to be reasonable about it too. Fewer things are more difficult to deal with than an emotionally erratic spouse (I can speak from painful experience here, having lived like that for nearly 9 years). But the fact remains that it remains up to you to determine when it's time to forgive. And remember, forgiveness does not mean condoning his behaviour or simply brushing the infidelity away like it never happened; forgiveness is rememberance of the pain but rememberance in such a way that it does not cripple you or the relationship. You've got a tough road ahead, no question, but however it ends up, you'll be a better person for it. Good luck. 1
Author In mourning Posted January 7, 2006 Author Posted January 7, 2006 Thank you for your advice. I don't want the picture of me to be an emotionally eratic and unstable women. I am able to hide the pain for the most part and control my emotional state. My problem is that it's just as easy for me to hide behide my mask while this tears away at my heart as it is for him to go on as if it had never happened. When he asks whats wrong it's so simple just to make up another reason. Avoiding the subject prevents him from reversing our positions(You were correct in saying he turns himself into the victim), which ends up making me feel even worse than I had b4. In his eyes I become an untrusting wife that is not willing to work on our marriage. I don't know if any of this make sense or if it's just rambling-remember my initial problem was finding the right words! All I know right now is that I'm miserable and I just want to openly talk about this with him without nobody being the victim.
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 Not only does he have to make it up to you, he has to allow you to grieve and deal with what he's done. His affair has changed EVERYTHING in your marriage! Find out what could have been missing from the marriage, his needs or your needs not being met. This will really open the lines of communication for you both. Listen to eachother and try to put yourselves in eachothers shoes. I'm also suggesting marriage counselling. Maybe each of you need individual counselling because you're grieving a huge loss here, not only trust of the man who made vows to you, but your whole life has been turned upside by his bad mistake. It is forgiveable, but forgettable is a different story. He also has to grieve through his stuff. I don't know how serious the affair was, if it was just physical or both physical and emotional. Eitherway, that other woman has to be COMPLETELY OUT OF THE PICTURE because if he still talks to her, it isn't serving the marriage any good and no real progress will be happening. He has to realize what he has done, and live with the consquences of his selfish actions by cheating on you! I'm going to find a link by DazednConfused, his wife cheated on him and he shared ALL that he went through...Could help you and your husband. It's a long thread but worth the read.
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 Here's the link. Maybe print it out, show it to your husband to read too. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/ Hope this helps.
Author In mourning Posted January 8, 2006 Author Posted January 8, 2006 Thank you for digging that link up for me. I have been reading for the last two days. Amazing how another persons feelings and emotions can mirror another's. Unfortunaltly I realize there is no fix for this pain I am enduring. It's comforting to find everything I'm going through normal(for lack of a better word). We did go to marriage counselling-once-. Our lives kind of crashed at about the same time as we started counselling. H ended up in hospital, suddenly developed diabeties. Could of been cause of stress. When he got out of hospital we found out I was pregnant with twins. Yes he did stop talking with the ow almost immediatly. She was a server in the restaurant he the chef. She quit as soon as she found out I knew about the affair. An attempt for her husband not to find out. It took three days for him to say his goodbye's. I have never been told the real truth behind his affair. He says it was never sexual. He say's he knows I would never stick around if he ever had sex with another women. Her H called me and told me she confessed to having sex with my H twice. My husband being the instigator. H of course denied it and asked if I will ever trust him. The next day there was a 45 min phone call on his cell from a blocked number. I feel I will never get to the truth. Maybe it would help him to know how much more pain is caused when I think of him leaving me on his day off to spend with her. Thinking of him driving to meet her. Why his love for me didn't turn him around. There is so many other things that hurt so much more than the actual sexual contact. Spur of the moment lust is so much easier to accept in my heart. I sit here writting this with a lump in my throat I want this to go away I wish I to could pretend it has never happend. I have thought of ways to hurt him. Since I did become pregnant about the time I found out of the affair it crossed my mind to let him wonder if these our his babies or did I go out for revenge????? But I don't want to put that thought in his head. I respect myself to much. I Don't want him to ever doubt my fidelity, I want him to know I have always been faithful to him, No questions asked. I will sit down with him tonight to talk about this he appears to think it's over and done with. I need him to know how emotionally wounded I am. I again don't really know what words will come out I'm sure they will all be wrong, but I will try. I will pray for the words that's really all I can do now. Thank you again.
the1stwife Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 And remember, forgiving...doesnt mean that you have to forget. But if you truly forgive, you will let it go and move forward. Take things for what they are...You will have to find a way to deal with what happened....a way that works for you. No amount of advice can truly make the inner you feel better or more secure. There are a lot of men and women who have gone through this...and if you can deal with your feelings, then maybe you will be able to work things out if that is what you really want. One thing that I always kept in mind was; I am my own person. If I do not take care of myself, no one else will take care of me. If I do not learn to stand up for my feelings and for what I believe, then people will walk right over me, take advantage of me. There is no one that you will truly ever know, except yourself. the1stwife
Author In mourning Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 Your are right, thank you. I have been struggling with the fact that I really don't know who my husband is. I thought he was a man that would never hurt me. Today I don't trust my h. I question every word out of his mouth. I really don't care at this point if that will change. I will protect myself and my children. He is a good father. In protecting my children I will stay in the marriage. We don't fight. We actually get along very well. He still is my best friend. To protect myself I will start my own saving account; that he doesn't know about. If he had decided to leave and not try to work this out I would have ended up at my parents home. The only way I will feel safe is to have my own means of survival. I am also considering having him wear a condom during sex with me.(it's a shame I had to clarify with whom.) I know he didn't wear one while he was with the ow.
Kat2006 Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 is a good idea but you should discuss this with him and not keep it–knowledge of from him. The only way you can rebuild the shattered remains of your trust is to commit to being honest to one another in a from this day forward fashion. If having your own saving account helps you to rebuild a sense of security then your fwh should agree to this and understand your need. There are no quick fixes with relation to the hurt feelings you are going through–only time and the two of you working together and it sounds like you have made a start in this. MC and reading everything you can get your hands on with relation to surviving and life after an A and recovery of marriage will go a long way in helping you. You mentioned having him use a condom. If you are concerned about exposure you should have an exam, which I am sure you already know that, right. But more important if it makes you feel more comfortable by having him wear a condom until you feel comfortable again in your relationship then is again something he should agree too. As has already been mentioned it is his job to help restore your “faith”. Do not be surprised though if he does not initially agree to your specific needs right now, this is why MC helps. Sometimes they can hear it better coming from a professional who is better equipt to understand a wounded spouse feelings. It’s not that he–former wander spouse can not relate/ understand your pain. They are unable to and or do not want to because it is a recognition of the pain they have caused you. This is why so many want to just get you to forgive and then just as quickly move forward. ( sweep it under the carpet). Leaving the wounded spouse with unresolved issues and insecurities. With relation to trust I was advice that my mistake in this–what made my marriage vulnerable to an affair in the first place was that I trusted him too much. The applied conviction is that I assumed too much which lead to me taking another for granted. I will never fully trust my husband again to be sure and as such I will never again take him for granted. My hope being that he will do and feel the same way. Hugs to you.
the1stwife Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 How are things going to date? I hope all is well and running smothly.
Chump64 Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 I know this is an older post, but here goes. You are right, thank you. I have been struggling with the fact that I really don't know who my husband is. I thought he was a man that would never hurt me. I could have written that. Interestingly, you wrote that post on my D-Day. I am sorry your husband lied to you. But please, know that you are not alone. Mine lied to me. We’ve been married 18 years. I found a suspicious email almost a year ago, by accident. He lied, and lied, and lied. I was forced to ‘go detective’ on him and I found out he was having an affair with this woman (who is a mutual friend of ours). It has gone on for ten (yes 10!! years). I would give my right arm to be in a situation where he has only had sex with her a handful of times, or was only involved with her for a few months. But really, I am not trying to minimize your pain. I hope that you have been tested for STDs and that your husband has done the same. Come back around for an update, if you can.
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