SamandBran Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 I posted before on something similar to this but it doesn't seem to be going away. Since my H and I got married, I find it very hard to believe that I can no longer talk to anyone else ever again. I take marriage very seriously. In the meantime, I have this constant fear that my H will cheat on me or is checking out other women, especially when I am not around. I nag him from time to time on little things that he has done, such as sign onto this dating site about a week after we got married. I hadn't signed on since we began dating. I was very hurt that he was getting on it eventho he told me it was to stop his spam or whatever. Yea, right. Then, I guessed his password from when he gave it to me for other things and saw that he'd read him emails eventho there was nothing in there. But, I hate how men try to minimize things b/c when the truth is revealed, it's even worse b/c then women wonder, why did he lie? And it hurts and makes me, personally, overanalyze. We have been married almost 2 months and I wonder how do people deal with the insane jealousy and possessiveness. I have never been like this with a bf b/c I always knew I could just dump them. Rarely did I work things out if infidelity was even remotely present anywhere near any of my other relationships. But, this time around, I cannot just leave. I don't ever want to have to get a divorce and my H says he doesn't either (his parents have been together for over 20 years). My parents divorced but my dad remained in my life and is a great role model and father figure while my mother was the one that kept up and we love her to death. Just a little history on our parents' lives for more perspective. Has anyone else ever felt this insane possessiveness b/c it is now their husband/wife? It worries me that it will only get worst over time b/c I have tried to calm it down and it's not getting any better. I love my husband to death and he has never given me a reason to not trust him. Should I seek counseling. Also, my son's father did cheat on me through duration of my pregnancy. I know that this might be an issue. Someone please give me some advice on how to get over this so I can be in a great marriage with my husband forever.
JadeStar Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 You have only been married for 2 months and seems theres right many issues going on here. I say both of you need to get into some marriage counseling ASAP. For the marriage as a whole, and for your possieveness. My guess that probaly stems from when your sons father cheated on you. Its something you have not properly delt with and has now carried over into this new marriage. Jade
Author SamandBran Posted January 6, 2006 Author Posted January 6, 2006 Sounds like the cliche response. My son's father's infidelity happened about 2years ago, I have not really spoken to him for about a year. I believe that I am not over it b/c it was my first time physically finding out that someone had cheated on me. I am not conceited. I just could not believe that he would do it b/c I would never imagine doing that to anyone for such a long period of time and lying to their face. I did only once but felt so bad, that I broke up with my then bf very soon after. I felt as though he deserved better. Obviously, if I cheated, I didn't want to be with him. And now that I have caught my ex in the act and I know what a cheater looks and sounds like, I more aware of the same signs when I see them on other men than I was before. Maybe too aware. I miss when I was a helluva lot more naive about love and guys. Anyways, I feel that I do need to go to counseling. Thanks for the advice.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 Hmmmm, that you can never talk to anyone else?? I talk to other people all the time. What you shouldn't do is form a close emotional bond with a member of the opposite sex, however. I agree with Jade that counseling seems in order. I struggle with insecurity and jealousy from time to time. Funny thing is, I have never felt this way before in a relationship, not even in my first marriage. The thing is, the more you love something, the worse you want to hold onto them. Continue to work on your marriage, and see a counselor as well but try and relax. Your hubby married YOU, not anyone else.
Author SamandBran Posted January 6, 2006 Author Posted January 6, 2006 I already talked to my DH about it and he said he would go to marriage counseling with me. Some states actually require couples to attend this course before getting married. It's not exactly a negative thing. My friend went before she got married and I think it's the best thing to do for newlyweds or soon-to-be married couples. I don't really know if my marriage being new bears much weight though b/c from what I have read, the longer length of someone's marriage hardly guarantees security and more knowledge of who they are married to. Some are still trying to figure it out. I just wanted someone else's take on whether or not they have ever felt the same way in the beginning about their spouse when they just got married and how did they get over it.
Author SamandBran Posted January 6, 2006 Author Posted January 6, 2006 Thanks, Mz Pixie for not passing judgement and helping me to understand it. I believe that that is true. I do love my husband so much that I am overly possessive! Now that I can come to better terms with it, I'll be able to work it out. I am still going to go and seek counseling just to work through it. Thanks again!
portableversion Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 if i found my husband on a dating site, i'd go ballistic. Why go on a dating site if you are married?? What is the purpose? I'd tell him if he did it again i'd take a sledgehammer to the computer
Author SamandBran Posted January 6, 2006 Author Posted January 6, 2006 It's a site that most young, black people are subscribed to. I don't know if I could name it on here but I have been registered on it for years. I have the password for his account and his last login was about a month ago. I did get upset with him. I actually almost sent him packing to his friend's house but he began crying which was weird to me and said what we had is the most important thing in his life. I felt so bad for him that I forgave him. He has never done anything else to make me suspect him honestly. But he better not ever let it happen again...lol.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 I usually TRY not to pass judgement, sometimes I fail miserably at that, but I try. I would have been very upset over my husband looking at a dating site, I have to confess. I've been married only six months this time around. What were his reasons for doing it? I think that one thing that makes me feel insecure at times.... since I've cheated in the past, I know how the cheaters mind works, and the things they do to get away with it, and how easy at times it was to sneak around and do things I shouldn't have done.
witabix Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 He has done something to make you wonder. You may have over reacted, over emoted about it. But he still has done something you feel unconfortable about. Tell him why you feel the way you do, centre it on his actions, not his personality. I would fail to understand why someone would continue checking a dating agency out after marriage, or after making a commitment to another person.
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