Aureus Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 Ok I've posted here before. Months ago. I was really emotionally unstable then. And I got a lot of advice, good advice, which I kept too. Well I thought I would update you all and see what you think of the situation. We were together for 3 years (and lived together for 1). 3 months ago we broke up. I was a wreck. I cried a lot and couldn't sleep. My ex left me for a friend because she said she had feelings for him (not love) and wanted to explore it. Our problems of 2005 were enough to push her away (we both were at fault - but I take most of the blame). She told me on the fateful day that she would return one day to me. Ha! Anyway before I had read this site I did NC anyway. We had broken up before in the past, due to her getting pregnant by me and having a miscarriage (the only way we knew she was pregnant in the first place!) at an early age (18). Her reasoning was she felt she was taking life too seriously (we were engaged - yes we were too serious) and hadn't had the fun a teenager at her age should be having. Our breakup lasted a month. I had read an e-book (much like Love Tactics, but by TigressLuv) and used its advice. I improved myself and she came back. We went strong for some time, then it started getting back to old habbits. Funny thing was she re-proposed to me even after I said I didn't want to take our second chance too seriously. Anyway... we broke up because my best friend was showing her things I didn't (not that I couldn't I just wasn't doing it) like fun (he is younger than me and is around her age, so he is still spontaneous and wild) and also other things like jamming with her (they're both musicians - I am too, but I had a thing for not singing in front of her because I was shy, which always made her sad). Well she said she still loved me but only liked him. They got together and I posted here. Then time passed with NC and she started contacting me! I started to take NC really seriously and kept our conversations at a minimum and always hanged up first. She just kept at it! SMS, emails, phonecalls! She even left home for awhile and moved next to me. But through it all I only saw her on the rare occasion when she was crying on the phone and wanting to see me. I was confused. She then told me she was having sex with my friend (who was a virgin before he was with her - he is a Christian and he changed a lot to be with her, left his church and changed a lot of his strict views - she thought of him as "rebellious" because of this and I guess it was significant for him to give up something that big for her). That was enough to keep me even further away. So this continued from October last year up until now. Her ALWAYS calling me. Then one day she wrote a sad entry on her online journal saying she is having doubts about her new boyfriend and wanted time alone to think who she wanted. I was an idiot, I broke a bit and started reading her online journal constantly. Then there was a fateful night not too long ago where she called me. Told me her boyfriend was crying outside and she was talking to me on the phone and not understanding why she was doing it. Then she invited me over to see her. And I did (with hope in my heart). My mistake. We had fun sure, we went out for coffee and it was like old times. She told me that she was thinking of moving in with her new boyfriend but wanted to make sure she wasn't making a mistake because she still had feelings for me. Then her new boyfriend came over and they had a fight in front of me. Then a few more things happened (which I won't go into) and it ended up with me confronting her and asking her (with her new boyfriend beside me agreeing) who she really wanted. All three of us spent the whole night laughing, talking, crying together. She told us that when she is with me she thinks of her new boyfriend and when she is with her new boyfriend she thinks of me. I told her that she isn't in love with either of us (with which she was silent) and that she had to choose now. In the end she chose the new boyfriend. So I had my moment with her alone. I spoke with her and told her I wanted to be her friend, but later in the future when I was stronger and over this all. She told me then that her heart was torn in two for me and my friend. She said that her decision to choose my friend was spontaneous and how she felt at the time. I took it as it was and left. Then the next day I was still very emotional and sent her an angry email telling her that she didn't handle the situation very well. That was our only little tiff throughout this whole ordeal. I eventually told her that I was sorry and she apologised too and we left it at that. Then weeks passed and she started contacting me again. She called me one day and we had a long talk. She told me she doesn't see her relationship with this guy lasting too long. She had a "feeling" that it would only go for awhile. And that I should still have hope, that anything could happen between us in the future. I felt like I was being left on the backburner, being strung along. I mean her boyfriend and her are completely different. She is into wicca and is very liberal, whereas her boyfriend is a strict christian with strong conservative values. I know opposites attract and she said that if you have too much in common it can get boring... but geeze. Anyway the thing is throughout this whole "mess" (and I use that term loosely) I was a bit immature and did the whole "let's be friends, no let's not be friends I can't handle it, ok I changed my mind let's be friends now, no..." etc. Well only a fortnight ago I said let's be friends and I said let's take it slow. She agreed. So one day she calls and asks if I want to hang. I say yes, and I take her out for a movie and coffee. She enjoys the day and I cut it short and leave. Then she SMSes me telling me she bought 2 CDs that very same day, which are albums I own. Anyway days pass and I start getting anxious again and it's like in the beginning when we first broke up. I start watching my phone and wondering when she is going to call. I start looking for more advice on the web like Love Tactics and other stuff. And I start thinking that "yes! I will fight for her! No matter what pain I endure! I'm a man! I don't want to lose the love of my life!". Then one day I was sitting in a park watching joggers and dogs go by, trying to think of ways to win her back (ha!) when I get a call. It is my ex's boyfriend. And he is crying. He tells me he is hurt that I didn't contact him and want to speak with him. He tells me he heard I went on a date with my ex and says he wants to be my friend again. I tell him I miss him too and in my weakness I tell him I will organise a day to catch up. Then as days go by I gradually start to realise, as much as I love her and as much as I would like to get back with her, I'm being a FOOL. I'm letting her and her new boyfriend manipulate me (even if it is unintentional). I need to live my life and move on. I want to be her and his friend again in the future (yes even after they shafted me - BTW my friend said he wouldn't go for her in respect for me, but I said go with what you feel), but that is when I get over her. And I'm not completely over her. Well anyway, I'm blabbing... to get to the point, only moments ago I emailed her and said I made a mistake jumping into this friendship thing too soon. Told her I wanted more space and that I want to live for me now and see where that goes. I know I am being reasonable, and I know she will get pissed a little thinking that I change my mind like the weather, but I have to do this. I know I was being played, but I still care for her. I don't want to cling onto hope anymore even though she feeds it to me all the time. I just want to know what you guys think about it. And what you guys who believe in fighting for love think about this. The thing is, realistically, she is young. She is only 19. I am 26. That should say it all. As much as we connect in every way (morals, beliefs, music, politics etc) she is young. I was her first. The relationship was doomed from the beginning. But she is A ONE. Whether she isn't THE ONE, I know for sure I want her in my life. She wasn't my first love. My first love was years ago and it ruined me. I thought I would die. But I never chased my first love and I never felt like I should keep in contact with her. I didn't have that deep feeling, with which I have for my recent ex. Don't get me wrong, I'm not wussing out and thinking of fighting for her. I just want her as a friend in the future and she wants that too (obviously). And I know I will get flak and stuff for wanting her in my life (in the distant future) from some of you guys, but that is my decision to make. She is worth it. I pushed her away - if you remove the whole "relationship/breakup/love" thing from the scenario she is a very good person who has changed me in many positive ways. I know that she doesn't make me who I am, I make who I am and I am proud of myself. But she helped me get there. She helped me believe in myself. She got me through my darkest times, taught me skills I will never forget, and helped me see the good in me when no one else did. I will find someone else I know that, but I do not want throw away someone who I consider a life-friend. Sorry for the length.
Just Visiting Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 I think you should leave this girl alone and let her grow. It is obvious that she is confused and not mature enough at this time.
Author Aureus Posted January 7, 2006 Author Posted January 7, 2006 Do you think I will push her further away by changing my mind so frequently about being her friend?
riobikini Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 Your history with this girl is so complicated and confusing that I'm emotionally exhausted from just having read it! (Sure, -you had all that time with her, and got to do all the fun stuff, but I'm a mere reader and all I get out of it, is a migrane from following all the twists and turns!) (Smile) Seriously, now. I really DO think you need to cut and run from this. The relationship is so back and forth that's it's juvenile. It's too dramatic with no rational, reasonable basis. And it's dangerous in that shes already proven she is unable to understand nor handle the responsibilities that might come into the picture again, -like motherhood, commitment, respecting the feelings of someone else, the importance of being truthful, and I could go on and on, just based on the info you gave in your post. And, -no, she is definitely not "taking life too seriously". If anything, she needs to grow up. Hope this helps. Take care. -Rio
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