cedric4691 Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 I made the mistake of confronting my wife with my concerns. These included cell phone records of calls she had either denied existence of, or had pretended were to someone other than the OM. Foolish me! Of course she became indignant that I would suspect her of cheating on me. She wasn't even attracted to the guy. They just talked. He is pursuing her, but she has stauchly rebuffed his advances. A year's worth of calls to a different man (that she had claimed were to a girlfriend) were "therapy sessions" since both have experienced the deaths of loved ones. I was starting to feel guilty -- that I had been wrong to suspect her. How dare I not trust my wife, who obviously loved me and only me in the world? But then, a few days later I overheard a phone conversation through the wall. It was clearly the OM (the 1st one, not the 2nd). She talked about how she would have to be careful because I had been checking her phone conversations. If only I had kept my mouth shut, I might have gotten more/better evidence that way, but now they know to be careful. Then I heard her say she would meet him "tomorrow night". I immediately went and called a private investigator, who is, at this moment, capturing their meeting on video. Crazy as it sounds, I want to save my marriage, and that means I will have to confront her with the evidence, which this time will be irrefutible. (It is enough for me that the video shows her meeting him -- if it also shows any physical intimacy, so much the more powerful the evidence will be). Any suggestions on how to proceed, especially from someone who has gone through this before?
Weye Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 Get the name and number of a good divorce lawyer? Seriously, even if you want to save your marriage, it would be a good idea to be ready in case you aren't able to work things out.
JayKay Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 Oh my god....I think you have all the evidence you need. I don't think you're going to save this marriage unless you make her face serious consequences (i.e. tell her to pack her sh** and move out) She's blatantly lying to you and seems to have no remorse. She's emotionally involved with someone and it sounds pretty deep. Cheaters don't change until they are faced with the reality of losing their marriages/partners/homes, etc. She's way past the point of sitting down and talking about the marriage. I think you need to take some drastic action. And I would talk with a lawyer.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 Cedric, I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Know right now, that your wife is not herself right now. She's living like a drug addict, craving something from this other guy. At this point, she'll do anything to cover this up, including lying and being cruel to you. Yes, she was lying. Cheaters often point the finger at the other spouse or get indignant when confronted like your wife did. First, get "Love Must be tough" by James Dobson. This will tell you what NOT to do. Second, visit marriage builders. Google it to get the web address. There are lots of people there who have been through what you have been through and have saved their marriages. Check out posts by Dazed and Confused, Lady Jane, Cranium and Owl here- they have been through similar things. Once you have the evidence, do not show your cards. Visit the lawyer and find out what your options are. Investigate marriage counseling. Then, calmly sit down and confront her. Show her what you have- and do not let her turn it around on you or make it look like this is your fault. Then, at that point here is what she needs to do. 1. Stop all contact with the OM. She must give up her privacy. Cell phone records, e mail accounts, etc. 2. She must attend marriage counseling and work on rebuilding the marriage. If she's not willing to do that, then you seriously need to think about asking her to leave the marital residence. DO NOT leave yourself. She has done this and she must be the one to go. If she's not willing to do that, then you need to expose the affair to the other guys wife if he has one and any one who has influence over your wife. Do not make it a option for her to continue to live there and have her cake and eat it too. She's going to get angry- terribly angry but hold your ground. Keep posting here and let us know what the investigator finds out!
Author cedric4691 Posted January 6, 2006 Author Posted January 6, 2006 The investigator confirmed that she did meet him. I will meet with them to review the tape before deciding what sort of action to take next. Thanks for the supportive replies.
In mourning Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 I'm sorry for the pain I know your going through. I know your first instincs are to confront the situation and put an end to it. Hopefully you are able to get as much proof as you can on your own, I can't imagine pretending you don't know about affair and keeping quiet till you have all info you feel you need. If you jump in to quickly and unravel the affair you will be left with questions that may never be answered. I unfortunatly exploded and exposed H affair with enough proof of affair but I will never really know the truth of how far the affair went. The ow's H kept quiet, hired an ivestigator, tapped the phone lines and was able to get all his questions answered. wish I had
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 Keep quiet, pretend as if nothing is out of the ordinary, and maintain a low profile until your PI finishes gathering what you need. If you get too excited and confront her too soon, they will only go to greater lengths to cover their tracks. Never divulge your sources before the time is right. Only patience and a cool exterior will prevail.
Bryanp Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 Why do you wish to stay in a marriage where your wife is contantly lying to you, cheating, putting your health at risk for STD's and making a mockery of your marriage. Clearly she has no respect for you or your marriage. Why are you wasting your energy on a serial cheater?
Author cedric4691 Posted January 6, 2006 Author Posted January 6, 2006 Why do you wish to stay in a marriage where your wife is contantly lying to you, cheating, putting your health at risk for STD's and making a mockery of your marriage. Clearly she has no respect for you or your marriage. Why are you wasting your energy on a serial cheater? The short, stupid answer is that I love her. A longer answer is that I have read about others who have saved their marriages. My marriage has always been very precious to me. About a year ago I had an opportunity to cheat, myself. I was very tempted. "It's just sex" I told myself. But I didn't go through with it -- not from fear of being caught -- but because I decided it was not who I wanted to be. That's part of what's driving me to save this marriage, too. It is part of who I am and who I want to be. Even though she has deceived me (and continues to do so), there are things about her I love and want to keep as part of my life. The only question is whether she is willing to take the steps necessary to confront and exorcise the demons that threaten to kill all the good.
Owl Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 Cedric- If you haven't, please go over and take a look at the marriagebuilders.com website. Lots of good information there for you to use...and another forum that can also offer you support along with this one. Sorry to hear about this man.
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