Why?

[Citizen Erased]

I understand that sex is pretty much the focus point of almost everyone's lives. Both Females and Males enjoy the bond which it entails in any relationship, yet some just can't be faithful to someone they may even be wholeheartedly in love with. My mother cheated on my Dad, my Uncle cheated on my Aunt, my sisters boyfriend cheated on her. My family is made up of this experience. From reading on this forum, as well as others, It would seem that noone can remain faithful. Why is this so?

 

A generalisation which many people make is that all men cheat. In my experience, so do women. All men don't but from reading of the heart break which many MARRIED women have gone through on just this forum, I am beginning to lose hope that perhaps I may not find that one person who will make me feel special and be faithful to me. I may never wholly trust someone because of the experiences which I have had (I don't have all day to tell you all of them). I have a great boyfriend who was drunk and only kissed someone else. It broke my heart because it just confirmed to me that even this person who pursued me for years couldn't just remain faithful. We're still together because there will always be love, and it was only a kiss after all, but it still hurt.

 

So many people have replied to many who have poured out their hearts that it is just 'what men do'. This is a load of b/s. The 'whole men don't attach as much emotion to sex as women do thing' makes me want to throw up That was invented by people who had to have some sort of excuse. What about the women that cheat? Are they suddenly less of a woman because they, it would appear, don't attach as much emotion to sex?

 

I'm only young but I am already sick of being in a society where people can cheat on their husbands and wives and people actually support them. Then again, I don't feel real anger towards those who do cheat because I am not inside their lives, or their heads, to know what is behind it. Whenever I read these posts about cheating, all I see, no matter who it is writing, whether the OW, MM etc, if you read between the lines, all are asking 'Why?'

 

That is what I want to ask. Why do people do this? Generalisations are a cop out. Every individual has a different reason for why they do these types of things and I want to have a discussion (no arguments PLEASE!) about the reasons why people do these things.

[newbby]

i think you will find that the whole world is a mess. wars, violence, pollution, and on a much smaller scale, but of no less importance, injustices and mistreatment of people. the problem is within every individual, apart from those who have found inner peace and contentment.

all the others are unhappy and grasping for something. people are always looking for external solutions, when the fact the they are ignoring their inner presence is the cause of their unhappiness.

when you say you want somebody to make you feel special, it is the same thing. nobody can make you feel special for very long and if you are expecting them to, then you are in danger of being vulnerable to an affair.

IMO

[Mz. Pixie]

Well, for starters, no one knows what goes on in a marriage besides the two involved and their higher power.

 

It's about unmet needs and selfishness when it comes right down to it. I know that's why I cheated in my first marriage. I tried forever to make it work and he never gave anything back. I eventually over years gave up wanting to try. Someone comes along and makes you feel alive for the first time in a long time and you're vulnerable because your partner isn't meeting your needs and bam!

 

It sounds like your guy just got caught up in the moment in the kiss.

 

All men are not wired to be cheaters and neither are all women. Just because someone does it once it doesn't mean they will again. I certainly know that I won't.

 

Some people are going to cheat no matter what, some people never do. IMO, it's more feasible for a person to cheat in a long time relationship than a new one because of the different issues and resentment that can build up over time.

 

I think also that sometimes people marry the wrong people. For instance, I've seen people post on this forum whose spouses cheated on every partner they ever had- and they are surprised that they cheat on them?? Sometimes the red flags are all there and the people marry the other people anyway.

 

How many times have you seen a post that says, "Our marriage was wonderful or so I thought. True, our sex life had suffered since we had a baby and I put on weight and didn't feel attractive" coming from a wife whose husband had cheated?? Well, sexual fufillment is usually a mans #1 emotional need. Is it her fault he cheated?? I'm not saying that but sometimes there are things that one partner does that contributes to it.

 

Eh, I'm rambling.....

[bluechocolate]

I've read that couples therapists 'reckon that 40% of women cheat on their spouses compared to about 50% of men. So according to them it isn't that no one can remain faithful, just about half of us.

 

The world is a very different place than it was 50 years ago. I would hazard a guess & say that the majority of the unfaithful find their partners at work so with more women working their percentage goes up. Now with the internet people have access to a whole new world of sexual partners in the relative anonymity of cyberspace.

 

For some reason many people still cling to romantic notions of 'true love' & 'happy ever-after', despite all evidence to the contrary. When reality hits them that a good relationship takes a lot of work, compromise & patience they seek their true love outside of the relationship. I think that in some way serial monogamists are also cheating, they just give up on one relationship & go straight into another. I'm sure we all have friends who whenever they're in a new relationship profess to everyone that 'this is the one' & you just know that they are only the one for the next month of two.

 

What I always find surprising in this place is that when someone posts 'My partner cheated on me', there is a chorus of people telling them to dump his/her sorry a$$ & find someone else because they 'deserve better'. I think a lot of people now are just too ready & willing to give up & try, try again, rather than work on what they already have. They succumb to the myth of the perfect stranger.

 

I could go on & on but I'm running out of steam.......

[Mz. Pixie]

Interesting BC.

 

I think that many times in the past infidelity just wasn't TALKED about. It happened, but the wife turned their head to it a vast majority of the time.

 

Also, times have changed. In the past women's sexual fufillment wasn't a major focus- they focused on being a wife and a mother. Now with TV, the internet, and all of the other media available, we're much more likely to hear about what our relationships might be lacking that others are not.

[bluechocolate]

I think that many times in the past infidelity just wasn't TALKED about. It happened, but the wife turned their head to it a vast majority of the time.

I agree. It was also more culturally acceptable for a man to have a 'bit on the side', almost expected of them!

Also, times have changed. In the past women's sexual fulfillment wasn't a major focus...

Which kind of brings up an entirely different topic about how sexualised our society has become. It would seem that in advertising even children aren't off limits any more!

In the past women's sexual fufillment wasn't a major focus- they focused on being a wife and a mother. Now with TV, the internet, and all of the other media available, we're much more likely to hear about what our relationships might be lacking that others are not.

Of course women should have sexual fulfillment, but when you read magazines & watch some TV you're left with the impression that everyone is having better sex & better orgasms, accept you of course (not meaning that figuratively ). I think sex in general has become highly overrated & I say that knowing that some people will say, 'ah well, there's someone who's just not getting any'.

Like somehow if you just get the sex right everything else will fall into place. There is just so much more to a good relationship than good sex.

 

Ah well, we live in a disposable society. Bigger, better, faster, newer, throw it away & get the next upgrade. Unfortunately it seems like many people tend to treat relationships the same way they treat their mobile phones.

[Citizen Erased]

Ah well, we live in a disposable society. Bigger, better, faster, newer, throw it away & get the next upgrade. Unfortunately it seems like many people tend to treat relationships the same way they treat their mobile phones.

 

I think you have pin pointed exactly how some people do indeed treat their relationships. Some just give up on a relationship (or mobile ) when all it takes is a little work (or a visit to the repair shop aka counselling) to get it going again.

[EMJ]

People often cheat because they are no longer getting what they want or need from the primary relationship emotionally. Respect, consideration, and kindness often fade after years together. People who cheat are often not ready to give up the desire to find some real happiness and affection.

 

Life is not static and a ring on your finger does not mean one is finished growing and changing. What makes you happy at 25 are not usually the same things that make you happy at 40. When people walk down the aisle most believe that they can make a life long committment, and then they live in the REAL world and find it's much harder to stay in Love and genuinely interested in the other person. It's real work. I don't think it's a big mystery.

 

Trying to be with the same person for the long haul is one of the hardest things in life. People stay in unhappy situations far longer than they want because of the family, property, social expectations and approval, etc. Also, a lot of people marry people for the absolutely wrong reasons. If the divorce rate is about 50%, how many unhappy marriages remain? Maybe another 20-30% stay in unhappy situations. I'm much older than you so I have seen a lot of marriages. But very few truly happy marriages. Very few stay in love and happy over many years.

 

The average marriage lasts about 10 years. My Dad has had three 10 year marriages! He won't face the fact that he just makes bad choices when it comes to his expectations of marriage. All three divorced him because he has these 1950's "Leave it to Beaver" views of marriage and family that weren't even accurate in the 50's. He's over 60 now and still doesn't get it. Lots of people embrace a fantasy view of marriage and contuinue to seek someone to "fill the fantasy position", instead of realizing its THEY who have the wrong ideas of what marriage is really about.

[Presario]

I've been happily married for three years. I'm not a veteran husband or an experienced man, but I've got some ideas to share. These ideas are my guesswork, and they mostly don't come from my experience (our marriage has been faithful so far ), so don't treat them too seriously.

 

If there is a single reason to cheat, I would say it's dissatisfaction and there are many things to make you dissatisfied. There can be a single reason, like your spouse cheated on you, or there may be many reasons put together: small things in marriage, family, and your job.

 

To stay satisfied, I believe it's important not to work too hard. If you overwork and are constantly tired, you see the world in bad colors. It's important to have some time off every week, to have some hobby, to exercise, and to go for walks. These activities clear your mind and give you a feeling that you get something from life, that life is not all about work and performance. Ironically, the best ideas about life and work I get is when I take some time off.

 

If you want to minimize the chances of infidelity in your marriage, start working on this now, before you get married. Find a boyfriend who respects you and loves you, who's responsible, working hard, ready to solve problems, and who's serious. Don't go for him only because he's good in bed or handsome - these might go away. Also, if your boyfried has some serious flaws (like alcohol addiction), don't be sure you will be able to fix them after you get married.

 

Dating is about getting to know the person before you get commited to marriage - this is the time to feel what he's like. Talk to him about infidelity, approaching kids and family, sharing responsibilities. If you talk and he only smiles stupidly, well... maybe he hasn't got a clue what marriage is about. If he's abusive, he likes alcohol too much, and behaves irresponsibly, chances are very high he will do the same after marriage.

 

Plus, it's important not to expect too much in marriage, especially not too much sex. On this website I read about marriages with little or no sex - they complain about too little sex. Then there are people who have sex three times a week - they complain about sex, because they want more. Then there are those who have sex daily, and they also complain. And then there are those who want threesomes and foursomes. Does it ever stop? If you expect more and more, this may lead to infidelity.

 

Life is not static and a ring on your finger does not mean one is finished growing and changing.

 

I agree with you, EMJ. Life and marriage are a constant challange. The worst you can do is feel absolutely safe about your marriage and stop working on it. Just work on it and hope that you both stay faithful. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees.

 

And there is one more thing: if something doesn't work, try to blame yourself first, then your spouse. But do it wisely, so that your spouse doesn't take advantage of you.