Is it actually a good idea for me and my 15 year old daughter to visit her mom who will be behind bars for six months?

[9611a]

the charge is a check fraud charge and it is a six month sentence. My daughter she seems to be handling it fine. I told her right away about it and she reacted pretty calmly. I told her mom did the wrong thing and is rightfully serving her punishment. They have a good relationship. The main problem I have is she will see her mom in a jail jumpsuit and see guards and other inmates that could be intimidating. Is that ok for a 15 year old to see? Actually my daughter does not seem scared but instead seems excited and enthusiastic to visit. I’ve talked to some people and they actually say it is actually a good idea. That is surprising. Is this true?

[basil67]

Yes, it may be a challenging environment, but you shouldn't stop your daughter from seeing her mother.  

[MsJayne]

I'm confused, is this your daughter and you're going to jail, or someone else's daughter who is in your care? Whichever it is, being as she knows the truth and is handling it well, there seems no point in shielding her from the reality of what's happened. Not seeing her mum for six months could have a worse impact on their relationship than the unpleasantness of jail visits. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, of course! Not even a question.  Kids need their parents. So what that mom will be in a jail outfit?! So what! 

It's her mom. When my parents got old and ailing, they were in hospital garb--so what?! 

Seriously, I don't understand the question. Seeing her mom is worth a lot more than dealing with the awkwardness and initial fear of going to jail. Seeing guards and glass is not a trauma.

On the other hand, NOT seeing mom is the trauma. Mom will know how to talk to her about jail. 

Edited October 17, 2024 by Lotsgoingon

[Leihla_B]

20 hours ago, 9611a said:

Actually my daughter does not seem scared but instead seems excited and enthusiastic to visit.

Exposure to reality might help to check any illusions of glam from tv and movies that daughter might hold. 

[9611a]

20 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Yes, of course! Not even a question.  Kids need their parents. So what that mom will be in a jail outfit?! So what! 

It's her mom. When my parents got old and ailing, they were in hospital garb--so what?! 

Seriously, I don't understand the question. Seeing her mom is worth a lot more than dealing with the awkwardness and initial fear of going to jail. Seeing guards and glass is not a trauma.

On the other hand, NOT seeing mom is the trauma. Mom will know how to talk to her about jail. 

Main problem I have is she will see her mom in a jail jumpsuit and see guards and other inmates that could be intimidating. Is that ok for a 15 year old to see’? Nothing to do with her mom, solely those other things If it’s not as bad as I thought then I would have no problem taking her

[Lotsgoingon]

Your daughter will be fine. 

Yes, seeing people in jumpsuits is fine. Guards wear guard uniforms. Since when are uniforms frightening? Your daughter freak out when she sees a cop. The people in uniforms are there making you feel safe! She won't go far into the jail. She'll be limited to a special visitors section. She won't see much of jail life at all. She'll be taken to some area and they will bring out her mother. 

My brother was a probation officer, and one day he decided to let me see him at the jail where he would be visiting/interviewing inmates to determine what sentences he would recommend. I actually met a trusty, an inmate who had through good behavior won the privilege of moving about more freely than other inmates.  I couldn't tell the trusty was an inmate until my brother later explained the system. I was about 12 at the time.  I was far more frightened visiting haunted houses than visiting a jail. 

Later in college, I did tutoring in prisons. Again, nothing frightening once you step into the place. Visitors are walled off and limited. I also visited a buddy's class in jail where she was teaching a class. That was just ten years ago. No, jails are incredibly supervised and controlled and guards area in guard uniforms. No more frightening than guards in grocery stores or Home Depot. I'm a teacher and about 10 years ago, I also did an all-day training session in prison, not jail. Prison. Was it scary? Not really, no. And we were in class with people who had been sentence to life terms. 

Orange uniforms--you are mistaken to think this will frighten her. She'll focus on people and on her mother. 

Sounds like YOU are frightened. Which makes sense. But dude, 15-year-olds these days are not naive. Maybe you can go with her and experience what it's like. Your daughter will be fine. 

BTW: I find visiting hospitals far more frightening than visiting jail or prison. 

[basil67]

On 10/17/2024 at 9:49 AM, 9611a said:

The main problem I have is she will see her mom in a jail jumpsuit 

She's actually more likely to be trousers and a shirt.  Jumpsuits are too difficult to manage female bathroom requirements on a regular basis

[9611a]

4 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Your daughter will be fine. 

Yes, seeing people in jumpsuits is fine. Guards wear guard uniforms. Since when are uniforms frightening? Your daughter freak out when she sees a cop. The people in uniforms are there making you feel safe! She won't go far into the jail. She'll be limited to a special visitors section. She won't see much of jail life at all. She'll be taken to some area and they will bring out her mother. 

My brother was a probation officer, and one day he decided to let me see him at the jail where he would be visiting/interviewing inmates to determine what sentences he would recommend. I actually met a trusty, an inmate who had through good behavior won the privilege of moving about more freely than other inmates.  I couldn't tell the trusty was an inmate until my brother later explained the system. I was about 12 at the time.  I was far more frightened visiting haunted houses than visiting a jail. 

Later in college, I did tutoring in prisons. Again, nothing frightening once you step into the place. Visitors are walled off and limited. I also visited a buddy's class in jail where she was teaching a class. That was just ten years ago. No, jails are incredibly supervised and controlled and guards area in guard uniforms. No more frightening than guards in grocery stores or Home Depot. I'm a teacher and about 10 years ago, I also did an all-day training session in prison, not jail. Prison. Was it scary? Not really, no. And we were in class with people who had been sentence to life terms. 

Orange uniforms--you are mistaken to think this will frighten her. She'll focus on people and on her mother. 

Sounds like YOU are frightened. Which makes sense. But dude, 15-year-olds these days are not naive. Maybe you can go with her and experience what it's like. Your daughter will be fine. 

BTW: I find visiting hospitals far more frightening than visiting jail or prison. 

No doubt though visiting a jail will open up conversations about what it’s like in jail.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, 9611a said:

No doubt though visiting a jail will open up conversations about what it’s like in jail.

Maybe it will serve as motivation for her to, well, not end up in jail like her mother.

Let your daughter decide if she wants to visit her mother. Her mother in jail from committing check fraud is more impressionable than seeing a few inmates in jail outfits.

She needs to reconcile the fact that her mother is in jail and keeping her shielded from it is understandable but may not be the best thing for her in the longrun. She still needs the stability of having and seeing her mother especially if she's close with her mother.

[Leihla_B]

On 10/17/2024 at 6:12 PM, 9611a said:

Main problem I have is she will see her mom in a jail jumpsuit and see guards and other inmates that could be intimidating. Is that ok for a 15 year old to see’? Nothing to do with her mom, solely those other things If it’s not as bad as I thought then I would have no problem taking her

I'm probably dating myself, but in my youth there were programs called 'Scared Straight' that exposed teenagers with juvenile records to all of this. They were brought into a forum where inmates told their stories and were the opposite of gentle about it.

The stats only measured the kids who were already on a delinquency path, so their exposure was likely too late to prevent them from reoffending. However, these sessions were broadcast on cable TV, so there's no measurement of teenage viewers who may have otherwise taken wrong turns but opted to straighten up and fly right based on this exposure. I can only speak for myself as a viewer, and I can tell you that this had a huge impact on me. I cleaned up my own act, and I never landed myself in 'juvi' or later, jail.

[9611a]

What is the benefit of a visit over a phone call you would say?

[basil67]

3 hours ago, 9611a said:

What is the benefit of a visit over a phone call you would say?

Such a strange question!  Don’t you find being in the presence of a loved one face to face more satisfying than a phone call?

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, 9611a said:

What is the benefit of a visit over a phone call you would say?

Isn't is obvious?

This is her mother you're talking about. Do you really need it spelled out? 

[9611a]

On 10/20/2024 at 12:36 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Isn't is obvious?

This is her mother you're talking about. Do you really need it spelled out? 

 

Remember it’s not her mom who is the issue in this case, just the environment and learning what jail is like