My ex left and has decided to come back. I need advice.

[ItzScoop]

This is two separate items, but simply put, I'm (30m.) I need to add my little backstory.

I've built myself up, gone through University, became a Surveyor, and had found a woman I grew to love, who became my partner for 6 1/2 years. I was on a three figure salary, and she was on the higher end of two figure salary so we weren't financially incapable.
I was planning to pop the question, but she left me late last year. I asked the reason, she said she wasn't happy with how the dynamic of the relationship was going (I worked a lot and Covid stalled some previous plans we had) Long story short here, the break-up became mutual because I couldn't salvage what we had. (It was a "good" break-up, if you can even call them such things.)

I decided to focus on myself, continued with the gym when I had the time, continued with my Rugby. I consider myself maybe average looking? I'm fit and have to be muscular for my choice of sport (also helps in the dating scene.) I'd recently gone into dating again, but each woman is either a solo mother looking for some sort of support and/or for their child (I'm not throwing shade or anything, I just don't want this right now) or after a couple of dates I find out the date was more interested in taking sexually suggestive photos for Instagram and wanted me to take the photos of it all. (I'm not objectifying it, I'm just not into that, I want something less "everywhere" and more genuine.)

Where do all the ladies who want a genuine relationships hang out? My job role and sport role is mostly male dominated, so I've tried heading to music classes, beach days and dance classes to try be acquainted with some women.

Fast forward from the break-up to the last two months, my ex reached out to me. While chatting, she's opened up (like before, because we were always open with each other) and told me right after the break-up inside the first 3 months she slept with 6 other guys. When I replied with a "Ok, that's good, you moved on" she told me that she missed me and that she's too scared to try with anyone else what we had, because she believes she won't find another man who connects with her like I did. (We were simply that close.)

I'm in limbo at the moment because I wasn't expecting this, and I find myself still having feelings for her, she's beautiful and kind, but I'm just not able to look past the point where she left me and chose 6 other guys before coming to some random realisation that she wants me back.

I know this is long, apologies, but it's been eating me up for about 2 weeks. I guess I'm asking, if you were in my shoes, what would you do? Would you try again or leave it at that and say it's over?
Assuming you would say it's over, the option is to get out dating again, where are the best places to meet other women? (I'm not a fan of dating apps)

If you got this far thank you for reading, I appreciate your input, I feel as though I'm getting ripped apart and I don't want to hurt her.

TL;DR, My ex left me, came back in the last two months, saying she is scared she couldn't find another guy like me and is missing me, my feelings for her seem to be lingering (she never cheated, I'm sure of it.) I'm torn, needing advice. I'm asking what would you do in my situation, and if you didn't choose her, where would be the next place to start dating?

[basil67]

I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the idea that someone who is kind would throw the bomb that she slept with all those guys.  Either she's not actually that kind or has zero concept of the feelings of others.    Had she said "I have dated a bit after we broke up", things wouldn't be nearly so difficult.

With the next steps in dating....for some reason you're vibing as an Aussie.  Am I right?  The women who want you to take insta selfies may be able to be filtered out if they already have them on their profile.  Or on their Insta.   Re finding lots of single mothers, I'm wondering what your criteria is and your location. The reason I ask is that in my 25yo daughter's cohort, single mothers are virtually non-existent.   Are you looking at women who are older than you?  Or perhaps you looking at areas where single mothers are statistically over represented?  I  think it would be helpful to unpack this a bit without disclosing too much personal information.

 

[Leihla_B]

I guess the reservations I'd have would be that a couple can't solve a problem by breaking up, so the same problems that broke you up will still be there. She didn't want to stick around to resolve those before, so how does she intend to assure you that she won't just leave again? Will she set up a first appointment for you to work with a couple's counselor together? If her heart wasn't in this before, what has changed since then?

I can also appreciate your resentment about the 6 guy thing. WTF? Why on earth would she tell you this?

I think the single life has struck each of you as not living up to any ideals you may have held about it, but I doubt this fact would add much happiness to your lives together. It kind of sounds like settling for what you 'know' instead of what you actually want, simply because what you want is difficult to find.

I probably wouldn't attempt to reconcile without professional counseling to help you both navigate the tough questions as they arise.

 

[Gebidozo]

OP, are you hesitating because she slept with 6 guys after your breakup, or because she told you she slept with them?

It wouldn’t be a problem for me to get together again with a woman who had other sexual partners during the time we were not together. The number, in itself, wouldn’t mean much at all.

However, the way she told you that, unprompted, doesn’t seem classy or tasteful, and may point to some insecurities or dubious motivation on her part.

Edited October 16, 2024 by Gebidozo

[ExpatInItaly]

On 10/16/2024 at 4:04 AM, ItzScoop said:

While chatting, she's opened up (like before, because we were always open with each other) and told me right after the break-up inside the first 3 months she slept with 6 other guys

This isn't being open. It's being crude and lacking a filter and sensitivity chip. 

 I don't know, OP. This reads more to me like she played the field a bit and nothing clicked, so she's circling back to you This isn't great grounds for reconciliation, in my books. I would be wary here.