lilmoma1973 Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 I was talking with my friend on the phone ,and she has been suspicious of her h for awhile !! She told me he been nice ,and doing things around the house and all!! She told me he only does this when he has an agenda.. She found out in the bank account, money was missing ,and then she knew something was up!! She started snooping in some things, in the computer ,and was looking for his check stub ,he got a bonus before Christmas ,and found a foulder!! She said he been trying to sell his amp ,and she said that was fine but if he bought another one ,it better not come from their account!! In other words as long as he sold it, and made the money to buy the other!! Well when she was snooping she found a printed out paper and it had the amp he won ,well not him winning it ,someone else did it for him!! He got a bonus but didn't tell her the exact amount ,so she asked for the pay stub ,and found out it ,was four hundred more than he told her!! She was furious he kept 400 of it so that he could buy the amp!! This has been almost a month since he done it ,and she just found out yesterday ,by snooping and her gut instinct!! When she called him on it ,she said he had a smerk on his face!! She said that she was very pissed at him ,and her wall was going back up again!! She asked me how come some men do these things, and wonder why we women are such bitches !! She said just when i start to trust again he does something ,and she finds out either by snooping ,or through the grape vine!! My question is why do some men feel the need to lie ,because it only makes it worst ,when we eventually find out? So why do some men take that chance? I talked to her today and she said she hasn't slept at all last night and their marriage is alot different before!! She said this was the straw that broke the camels back ,and don't know if things can be the same!! Opinions please ,on why this continues to happen to her!!
JadeStar Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 So if he had told her what he done would it had made it better for her? Was it the simple fact he didn't tell her that got her upset, or that he took money from their account to buy this with? People lie for different reasons and its one thing to tell a little lie because you're afraid you might hurt their feelings etc, which I think most of us have been there on that one. Theres a number of reasons people lie, hard to say which one goes with his situation. Might be he did it because he knew if he told her she would be ticked. Well looks like shes that way anyway. Or maybe he did because he feels controled and feels he can't do anything without her being or getting upset. Did she ask him why he didn't tell her? Did he tell her why he used money from the account? What was his answer for this? Jade
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 5, 2006 Author Posted January 5, 2006 Yeah she said that if he had of told her ,she would have still been mad but not as bad as lying behind her back!! If he had of sold his amp and used that money instead of the money from his christmas bonus ,it would have been ok!! They made an agreement when things for the band comes from money made from the band and not the account that is different!! He constantly lies about everything !!!Not one lie ,but many!! He doesn't make alot of money ,but yet he has money for the band!! She said she has maintance at home to be taken care of and he blows on band ****!! He has two amps not including the one he bought!!
Roo-bie2 Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 I would reallky question one of her views... All his money should go to what she values. I don't want to sound like I am ruling out possible being a jerk but there can be more to this story. Like his point of view. He most likely had this band and music intrest before she came along. Now they are together and married she wants to change him and his priorities. This doesn't work. You cannot change a person. He has always been this way now it bothers her. He can be lieing and sneaking because he doesn't see what he does as valued. He loves it dearly, most likely did before they were married, know it being "attacked". Maybe instead of taking all his money she needs to sit down and figure out a way to support what he values plus the house. A "Dh, I know that you value your band. Would XYZ a week be enough to support your band." Will go very far. He won't feel deprived and he will feel valued.
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 6, 2006 Author Posted January 6, 2006 I would reallky question one of her views... All his money should go to what she values. I don't want to sound like I am ruling out possible being a jerk but there can be more to this story. Like his point of view. He most likely had this band and music intrest before she came along. Now they are together and married she wants to change him and his priorities. This doesn't work. You cannot change a person. He has always been this way now it bothers her. He can be lieing and sneaking because he doesn't see what he does as valued. He loves it dearly, most likely did before they were married, know it being "attacked". Maybe instead of taking all his money she needs to sit down and figure out a way to support what he values plus the house. A "Dh, I know that you value your band. Would XYZ a week be enough to support your band." Will go very far. He won't feel deprived and he will feel valued. She has always told me, had he been doing it before they married ,she wouldn't have married him!!It didn't happen till they were 4 to 5 yrs into the marriage.. As for money thing with the band crap ,when you have to shop at your inlaw's house for groceries ,how can you afford band!! When there isn't enough money to pay a bill or get food she has to find it... When their stove went out ,he took his vacation days and cashed them in ,and bought him and amp, she had nothing to cook on!!So does this still justify the band thing and what he did!!!
933KJL Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 We cant judge based on one side oof the story. THe tone makes me think that she may be nagging too much and wanting total control of the $$ for her needs and wants and could care less about his. If that is the case, of course he is gonna try and sneak it. A friend of mine (who is a God in the Manbook) has been happily married for 30 years now and he always went to Hilton Head to golf with his buddies twice a year. He woudl wake up in the morning and tell his wife, he would be back in a week and then he would leave. We all revered him and wondered how he was able to get away with his balls. His explanation was that golf has been a passion and he will not give it up. She came along after golf and expected him to give it up. There were some trade offs. When they first got married he would tell her he was planning the trip and would listen to her bitching and moaning for two weeks. But because golf was a passion he would go anyhow. And then suffer another two more weeks of bitchin and moanin. As he got more comfy in his marraige, he said he was cutting his losses and just tells her he is leaving on the way out--that way his 4 weeks of bitchinand moanin is cut in half.!
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 6, 2006 Author Posted January 6, 2006 There is no money for wants and needs except for his !! Her kids come first ,she feels guilty for buying a bra and her feminine hygeine products..He has always since band put the family last !! Because of his spending they are in bankruptsy for the second time !! She says she is in the poor house so Hilton head isn't a good example ...
justagirliegirl Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 Just wondering if she works outside of the home?
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 6, 2006 Author Posted January 6, 2006 Just wondering if she works outside of the home? No ,she can't work she can't afford daycare!!! She sees no point trying to work ,when it goes all to daycare.. She tried it once ,and it was pointless took her paycheck .. She payed for daycare ,and she had enough left to fill up her gas tank ,and she was payed bi-weekly ,so she quit ,what was the point ,she felt all she was doing, was working to pay daycare.....
933KJL Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 Yes that is somewhat true, but if they are in that situation when the kids are old enough to be in school--she will more likely than not need to go to work outside the home. Either to make ends meet in the marraige or as a single mom. Keeping in the work force (unless you are financially well off enough to stay out of it) is critical. Right now she is ahead of the game by a tank of gas per week. If she does not work for say five years, a lot of oportunity will pass her by. Also, by having some income, she has a sense of worth as well. I know it may sound like BS, but there is something to be said for taking a paycheck home no matter how small. They ought to try counseling 1
phyrespryte Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 Ok, in regards to the why do men feel the need to lie part. Honestly I almost laughed when I read about your friends H going through all that trouble to buy an amp. It reminds me of the women that come into my store and drop hundreds on clothing. Then they'll tell me to put the clothes into a plastic bag instead of the fancy paper ones with the handles. They say that it's easier to sneak the plastic bag into the house without their husbands noticing. It really is such a dumb thing to lie about, but as money is tight I could see why he would try to hide something like that. What he did wasn't right so I can see why he would try to cover things up. But man is he being selfish. Does the band make any money?
933KJL Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 I haveheard of women spending tons on clothing and then the next stop is the dry cleaners to drop off BRAND NEW clothes. Then asking hubby to pick it up for them. Works like a charm
phyrespryte Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 I haveheard of women spending tons on clothing and then the next stop is the dry cleaners to drop off BRAND NEW clothes. Then asking hubby to pick it up for them. Works like a charm LOL that's so bad! I'll have to share that the next time I get a chance.
Walk Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 I had this same problem with my exH. All "our" money went for what he wanted. He'd blow thousands on new tools, getting his truck fixed, buying stuff he wanted... but we never had any money when my car broke, or if I wanted to buy a $20 object. He'd lie through his teeth about where all the money went. He'd tell me he bought it for less then it was, then lie and confuse the subject on where the rest of the money went. I had to go to my parents and beg them for $15,000 so we wouldn't lose MY house because he'd pulled out a damn mortgage on it. I don't even know where the money went... tools, a liner for his truck bed, one of those truck boxes to hold tools, a new mountain bike... What'd I get?? Nothing. Then I had to pay back all the money I borrowed from my parents. Wish I had some suggestions... Only one that worked for me was to get rid of his selfish azz. In a perfect world, I'd say she should get some more training/education and a job that will pay more... but that takes money. It's a vicious cycle, and doesn't help when your SO isn't willing to work toward the same goals.
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 6, 2006 Author Posted January 6, 2006 I had this same problem with my exH. All "our" money went for what he wanted. He'd blow thousands on new tools, getting his truck fixed, buying stuff he wanted... but we never had any money when my car broke, or if I wanted to buy a $20 object. He'd lie through his teeth about where all the money went. He'd tell me he bought it for less then it was, then lie and confuse the subject on where the rest of the money went. I had to go to my parents and beg them for $15,000 so we wouldn't lose MY house because he'd pulled out a damn mortgage on it. I don't even know where the money went... tools, a liner for his truck bed, one of those truck boxes to hold tools, a new mountain bike... What'd I get?? Nothing. Then I had to pay back all the money I borrowed from my parents. Wish I had some suggestions... Only one that worked for me was to get rid of his selfish azz. In a perfect world, I'd say she should get some more training/education and a job that will pay more... but that takes money. It's a vicious cycle, and doesn't help when your SO isn't willing to work toward the same goals. She told me this afternoon she destroyed what he loves the computer.. I was tripping when she told me she beat the hell out of the keyboard ,and bashed it really bad with a hammer!! I couldn't believe she went and done that ,she took all her anger and frustrations out on that keyboard ... The funny think the h came in ,and tried to fix it with a butter knife for a hr !! She was laughing at him, and she told him ,she took away something he loved and he won't be able to get back on .. The keyboard was cracked and numbers missing ,yet he was still trying to fix it!!!roflmao:lmao: She said you don't know how bad i want, to put that hammer through the computer .. Then she went and hid the extra keyboard...So he couldn't find it and get on!! She said she will fix him from lying...
Roo-bie2 Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 She told me this afternoon she destroyed what he loves the computer.. I was tripping when she told me she beat the hell out of the keyboard ,and bashed it really bad with a hammer!! I couldn't believe she went and done that ,she took all her anger and frustrations out on that keyboard ... The funny think the h came in ,and tried to fix it with a butter knife for a hr !! She was laughing at him, and she told him ,she took away something he loved and he won't be able to get back on .. The keyboard was cracked and numbers missing ,yet he was still trying to fix it!!!roflmao:lmao: She said you don't know how bad i want, to put that hammer through the computer .. Then she went and hid the extra keyboard...So he couldn't find it and get on!! She said she will fix him from lying... I can laugh at this key board reaction but at the same time I think there is something very wrong with her actions. What would her reactions be if he came home mad at her and broke her favorite thing. She needs to learn she CAN NOT change him. Only herself and how she reacts to him. Hammering the keyboard, ever how good it was, is wrong and abusive. If you posted on a womans message board about a husband hammering the key board and then laughing at the fact she was trying to repair it all would agree it was abusive. Since we do not know his side we can only look at herside. I think how ever wrong his actions might be, you sould talk to her about how wrong her actions are. Many times in marraiges gone wrong people start doing spiteful things just to get back and have no clue why they are still doing it. He might not liking being home anymore but to affraid to leave so he finds escape in his band. If he is really this bad, she needs to make the jump into the work force get herself established so she can move on.
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 6, 2006 Author Posted January 6, 2006 I can laugh at this key board reaction but at the same time I think there is something very wrong with her actions. What would her reactions be if he came home mad at her and broke her favorite thing. She needs to learn she CAN NOT change him. Only herself and how she reacts to him. Hammering the keyboard, ever how good it was, is wrong and abusive. If you posted on a womans message board about a husband hammering the key board and then laughing at the fact she was trying to repair it all would agree it was abusive. Since we do not know his side we can only look at herside. I think how ever wrong his actions might be, you sould talk to her about how wrong her actions are. Many times in marraiges gone wrong people start doing spiteful things just to get back and have no clue why they are still doing it. He might not liking being home anymore but to affraid to leave so he finds escape in his band. If he is really this bad, she needs to make the jump into the work force get herself established so she can move on. I agree this is abusive behavior and no it don't make it right destroying his things but she has an anger problem and she said it was better than hitting him.. She doesn't hit him but she wanted to yesterday .. She is tired of all the lying ,he has no right to lie to her ,she tells him everything!! I do think they need some counseling and tell her all the time she reminds me of my h.. She has a short fuse and knows it ..I tell her all the time she is mean and she laughs at me..
933KJL Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 What's next---taking a hammer to their kid because someone loves him or her so much? Counseling
littlekitty Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 Doesn't sound like a healthy marriage to me....
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 6, 2006 Author Posted January 6, 2006 What's next---taking a hammer to their kid because someone loves him or her so much? Counseling No i don't think she would do that to her kids!!! I think she is just tired of him betraying her with lies and deception... She has a short fuse but all in all she would never hurt anyone... Not saying this behavior is appropriate ,but she has never done this type of thing before... I can't blame her for being angry ,cause she said he continues to lie ,about everything.. She asked me did i think it could get back to where they was, i said anything is possible..
JadeStar Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 This seems to be a vicious cycle that needs to be broken. I understand her frustration over the lying etc, and thats not good on his part. However, her actions seems to be just as bad if not worse. She can bang up a computer or whatever she wants to do all day long, but this will not stop him from lying. If he is gonna lie then he is gonna lie. If she has displayed this type of behavior before when he has done something or not, then hasn't she learned by now her actions are not getting her or the relationship anywhere? Her pay off for being angry/destroying things is what? I think they need to possibly think about getting into some counseling to try and work on their marriage, assuming this is something they want to do. Jade
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 6, 2006 Author Posted January 6, 2006 This seems to be a vicious cycle that needs to be broken. I understand her frustration over the lying etc, and thats not good on his part. However, her actions seems to be just as bad if not worse. She can bang up a computer or whatever she wants to do all day long, but this will not stop him from lying. If he is gonna lie then he is gonna lie. If she has displayed this type of behavior before when he has done something or not, then hasn't she learned by now her actions are not getting her or the relationship anywhere? Her pay off for being angry/destroying things is what? I think they need to possibly think about getting into some counseling to try and work on their marriage, assuming this is something they want to do. Jade I totally agree with you Jade , and i have stated this to her and all she can say it made her feel better to take her frustrations out on the keyboard.. I said i couldn't believe she done that and all she could say was well i did!! I think he will continue to lie to her .. She is now making her an nest egg ,incase things don't work out for them two!! She said that she can't really see how they can go on living together as long as he is dishonest with her!!!
JadeStar Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 He will probably continue to lie and she will probably continue to display an angry behavior. Sometimes misery loves company no matter how much someone says they are tired of something. Sounds like you have been a good friend to her, and have offered some suggestions to her as far as getting help for the situation. Its really all you can do. Its up to them if they want to fix things. Right now it doesn't seem they do. Jade
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 6, 2006 Author Posted January 6, 2006 He will probably continue to lie and she will probably continue to display an angry behavior. Sometimes misery loves company no matter how much someone says they are tired of something. Sounds like you have been a good friend to her, and have offered some suggestions to her as far as getting help for the situation. Its really all you can do. Its up to them if they want to fix things. Right now it doesn't seem they do. Jade I totally agree ,and she has asked him to go to counseling but they don't have insurance to cover it.. I have suggested she go and talk with a pastor cause they do that type of thing also.. I have a counselor that i go to that is a pastor and it is no differnent.. She made this suggestion to her h and he has yet to say make an appt!! So i don't know ,i will be there when she needs me, but they both have to want to help one another..
Walk Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 What about telling her to make an appointment, and then lie to him about taking him out to eat or something... then drag his butt to the appointment? Or have her make the appointment and hog tie him so he has to go? If you love her, tell her she might as well leave now because they are both digging the relationship farther and farther into the ground. Cold hard words may get her to see some truth. maybe.
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