Did I ruin things by not sleeping with him quick enough?

[PeachPalm1]

In April, I started chatting to one of the gym personal trainers who worked at my gym, as I saw him around. He was friendly and I knew instantly we were attracted to each other.

In august, I attended a spin class and he was running it. After the class we would chat, and things were a bit nice and flirty. Over time, he would come and touch my hand during the class and even called me beautiful after one class

Eventually he asked me on a date, and last Monday we went for a drink. The date went well, definitely a spark! He was very complimentary of me. And then afterwards in his car, he started making out with me heavily. He became very touchy feely, and I felt a little nervous by that. I had to tell him ‘I’m enjoying this but I’m not ready to sleep with you on the first date.’

He texted me to say he had a good time (screenshot of chat attached below). 

Then I didn’t hear from him again all week, when I bumped into him again at the gym. Had a nice chat and then he said ‘what you doing later? got any booze at your place?’ I joked ‘oooh inviting yourself round?’ I still didn’t feel ready so I said ‘I can’t this evening, my apartment needs a tidy but how about Tuesday evening next week.’

He said Tuesday would be good. I texted him to tell him I fancied doing something fun like mini golf or darts. But then Tuesday morning he texted me to say that he’s working lates this week so weekend would be better.

Then I went to his spin class on Wednesday and his vibe was off. He didn’t come and hug me after the class like he normally does. He didn’t even look at me during the class. And afterwards we chat briefly, but then he walked away mid convo to go do something.

Then last night I was coming out of my Pilates class, again I bumped into him. He didn’t seem happy to see me at all and I felt really nervous. I was trying to get out the gym with my pass but the door wasn’t working, and he wasn’t even acknowledging I was there. I asked him if he could help me, he scanned my pass without saying anything and it felt awkward. 

Then he said ‘wait in the foyer, I’ll come and chat to you.’ So I stood there waiting for 3 mins and he never appeared so I just left. It felt really horrible just stood there. 

Got home and I’m tearful because I’ve never had a boyfriend due to stuff like this. I don’t know if I’m overthinking.

Or if it’s my fault because I didn’t want to sleep with him on the first date. Maybe I should have been more flirty about it. 

Or maybe he is still interested but just busy like he said. I’m worried what all this means about me because it happens so often. I NEVER get second dates. Maybe it’s my fault because I don’t sleep with people quickly.

 

im quite a confident woman and like who I am as a person. I’ve had to build up my confidence this year as from October to January of this year, I was dating a man who I just clicked with. Amazing connection, fun dates, lots of laughs. He told me he felt we just clicked. Then he lost his job and pulled away and said he didn’t feel romantic. But then he moved on. And I felt like I had lost such an amazing guy, who my friends and family loved and I didn’t understand and still will never understand why it didn’t work out.

 

he was such a lovely guy and he even came back to be friends. Always hugging me and telling me ‘wow me and you really get along.’ But I can’t help but worry why I’m not seen as relationship material ever and if it will ever happen 

Edited October 11, 2024 by PeachPalm1

[basil67]

He was never interested in you for a relationship, his goal was only ever for hooking up.  By holding your boundaries, you saved yourself from being his one night stand.   Also, I think his employers at the gym would not be impressed by him hitting on members.  This is really bad behaviour on his part

Edited October 11, 2024 by basil67

[PeachPalm1]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

He was never interested in you for a relationship, his goal was only ever for hooking up.  By holding your boundaries, you saved yourself from being his one night stand.   Also, I think his employers at the gym would not be impressed by him hitting on members.  This is really bad behaviour on his part

But I’m beating myself up and worried what it means about me. My friends say I’ve been too uptight and should have slept with him, and that’s where I go wrong with dating. I’m worried it means I’m not desirable as a woman.

[Sony12]

Yeah don't worry about this guy. He likely is just looking for hookups. 

Don't worry about what your friends say just do what you are comfortable with. If you aren't comfortable having early sex than it's best you not do it as it probably wouldn't turn out good anyways.

Edited October 11, 2024 by Sony12

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

But I’m beating myself up and worried what it means about me. My friends say I’ve been too uptight and should have slept with him, and that’s where I go wrong with dating. I’m worried it means I’m not desirable as a woman.

What you prefer... a guy disappearing before sex or a guy disappearing after sex? This guy was never interested in getting to know you, he wanted sex and he would have dissppeared after sex making you feel 100 worse.

Wait for the right man. Someone that takes you out on dates, that ask question about you, that keeps in touch with you. 

Edited October 11, 2024 by Gaeta

[Alpacalia]

Agree with others. The touching you at his workplace, the touchiness in the car and inferring he'll come over if you have booze at your place screams "I just want to hook up." Think of it less that there's something wrong with you but more so that you both want different things. There's nothing wrong with wanting to develop a deeper connection with someone before sleeping with them and you certainly don't hold onto someone by sleeping with them (especially when it's all they're looking for).

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

My friends say I’ve been too uptight and should have slept with him

Who are these sh***y friends of yours? That's horrible advice. Get new friends. 

3 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Or maybe he is still interested but just busy like he said.

He's not just busy. He's just not that interested in dates. He wanted sex. You wouldn't make a boyfriend out of guy who is only looking for sex. 

 

[PeachPalm1]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Who are these sh***y friends of yours? That's horrible advice. Get new friends. 

He's not just busy. He's just not that interested in dates. He wanted sex. You wouldn't make a boyfriend out of guy who is only looking for sex. 

 

But my friends said that every guy is looking for sex and they also might want relarionship too

i just don’t know what I’ve done wrong here. Like I’m beating myself up worrying what I did wrong 

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, PeachPalm1 said:

But my friends said that every guy is looking for sex and they also might want relarionship too

You didn't read what I wrote carefully enough, I said that it seems this guy was just looking for sex.

You need to stop assuming every guy you go out with is boyfriend material. 

[PeachPalm1]

10 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Agree with others. The touching you at his workplace, the touchiness in the car and inferring he'll come over if you have booze at your place screams "I just want to hook up." Think of it less that there's something wrong with you but more so that you both want different things. There's nothing wrong with wanting to develop a deeper connection with someone before sleeping with them and you certainly don't hold onto someone by sleeping with them (especially when it's all they're looking for).

It’s just men never ever ever want a relationship with me. Even the men I’ve met through local history meet-ups and things like that, still have treated me the same way. Then I was dating a man who was so respectful and sweet, amazing fun daytime dates and strong connection (he said he felt connected to me.). I started to open up and feel comfortable with him and suddenly he pulled away and said he didn’t feel romantic . I can’t help wonder if I’m doomed 

[PeachPalm1]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You didn't read what I wrote carefully enough, I said that it seems this guy was just looking for sex.

You need to stop assuming every guy you go out with is boyfriend material. 

I don’t assume every guy is boyfriend material, I go on so many dates, most me appear extremely insecure and clingy, yet still ghost me when I give them a chance. It doesn’t make sense to me 

[Sony12]

2 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

It’s just men never ever ever want a relationship with me. Even the men I’ve met through local history meet-ups and things like that, still have treated me the same way. Then I was dating a man who was so respectful and sweet, amazing fun daytime dates and strong connection (he said he felt connected to me.). I started to open up and feel comfortable with him and suddenly he pulled away and said he didn’t feel romantic . I can’t help wonder if I’m doomed 

Unfortunately that is just the state of the dating age in general these days. It's extremely casual. People get scared away when it looks like they may be faced with something more serious.

[PeachPalm1]

4 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Unfortunately that is just the state of the dating age in general these days. It's extremely casual. People get scared away when it looks like they may be faced with something more serious.

I’m just scared i give off the wrong vibe and I’m not affectionate and loving enough but I’m just nervous when dating and scared in case I get hurt 

[Alpacalia]

27 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

It’s just men never ever ever want a relationship with me. Even the men I’ve met through local history meet-ups and things like that, still have treated me the same way. Then I was dating a man who was so respectful and sweet, amazing fun daytime dates and strong connection (he said he felt connected to me.). I started to open up and feel comfortable with him and suddenly he pulled away and said he didn’t feel romantic . I can’t help wonder if I’m doomed 

Then you're picking/going after/being receptive to the wrong men.

Besides, for every apparently happy coupled-up person, there are just as many people in relationships who seem happy but are actually unhappy because they have settled, been cheated on, and are afraid of their singleness. 

That's the pay-off of being "picky."

I'd say it is a good trade.

There ARE men out there that do want a relationship and won't be put off by someone that prefers to wait a bit before having sex. Your friends saying you should have slept with him is terrible advice. Yes, a lot of women (and men) casually sleep together so it can be quite easy to assume it's a good idea, but trust your gut here. If you've established you want something more serious, don't compromise yourself unnecessarily.

That's not to say that there haven't been long-term couples that slept together early and are doing just fine. But if that's not something you're comfortable with, don't force it. There's nothing wrong with wanting to wait, and if a guy runs off because of it that just shows you he probably wouldn't have been a very good match for you anyway.

Edited October 11, 2024 by Alpacalia

[stillafool]

20 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’m just scared i give off the wrong vibe and I’m not affectionate and loving enough but I’m just nervous when dating and scared in case I get hurt 

You were correct to feel nervous and scared of getting hurt with this guy because that is exactly what would have happened.

[Georgia46]

You dodged a bullet.    
Lucky escape. 
 

obviously if you were just looking for some fun he would have been your guy, but if you’re looking for a proper relationship … no.

 

don’t lose hope, you’ll find someone lovely soon.    Always trust your intuition with men… they can be ratbags. 

[PeachPalm1]

5 minutes ago, Georgia46 said:

You dodged a bullet.    
Lucky escape. 
 

obviously if you were just looking for some fun he would have been your guy, but if you’re looking for a proper relationship … no.

 

don’t lose hope, you’ll find someone lovely soon.    Always trust your intuition with men… they can be ratbags. 

It’s been 4 years of dating since my ex though. Then I met the loveliest man last year, smart, intelligent, same hobbies. We both liked doing the same things and he said he felt a connection. He lost his job and suddenly pulled away and said he didn’t feel romantic.

 

he since got a girlfriend but I’m just meeting low effort guys since and I don’t know what wrong with me 

[Georgia46]

1 minute ago, PeachPalm1 said:

It’s been 4 years of dating since my ex though. Then I met the loveliest man last year, smart, intelligent, same hobbies. We both liked doing the same things and he said he felt a connection. He lost his job and suddenly pulled away and said he didn’t feel romantic.

 

he since got a girlfriend but I’m just meeting low effort guys since and I don’t know what wrong with me 

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you except that you need to know your worth.
 

Sadly there’s so many horrible men out there … but there are also lots of fabulous ones too. 
 

you’ve got to kiss a few frogs along the way … unfortunately  

[PeachPalm1]

26 minutes ago, Georgia46 said:

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you except that you need to know your worth.
 

Sadly there’s so many horrible men out there … but there are also lots of fabulous ones too. 
 

you’ve got to kiss a few frogs along the way … unfortunately  

I just am so sad I met a guy who wasn’t a frog. He was lovely, my family and friends loved him. We never argued, we connected so well. Then he lost his job and pulled away. Said he only saw me in a casual way, and that’s what I worry about. Why men never want me romantically 

[Georgia46]

Maybe he was depressed about losing his job? 
 

However, saying the *casual* thing to you? Hmm

Someone who was genuinely into you wouldn’t say that. 
 

A man WILL though… you just have to find the right one. 

[PeachPalm1]

17 minutes ago, Georgia46 said:

Maybe he was depressed about losing his job? 
 

However, saying the *casual* thing to you? Hmm

Someone who was genuinely into you wouldn’t say that. 
 

A man WILL though… you just have to find the right one. 

Yes but it’s my brain that’s like if HE wanted to be casual when we were such a good match, how can anyone else be a good match. It was a bit perfect how we clicked. 
 

he came back to be friends. Was texting me all the time and then he met this girl who seemed a very unlikely match for him, a woman with kids which surprised me as he said he didn’t want that lifestyle 

[Georgia46]

It’s sad how you can go from being so close to someone to being strangers…heartbreaking … ( I know how you feel) …  but people are strange. 
 

you can’t change them or what they choose to do… but what’s most important is to look after YOU and not let it affect your self confidence. 

[Gaeta]

21 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I just am so sad I met a guy who wasn’t a frog. He was lovely, my family and friends loved him. We never argued, we connected so well. Then he lost his job and pulled away. Said he only saw me in a casual way, and that’s what I worry about. Why men never want me romantically 

Then you know lovely men exist. That's the thing you need to learn from this. You keep on dating until you meet an equally lovely man cross your path. It's not gonna work until it does, there is no magic recipe here. Some couples meet right away and others it takes a long time. Meanwhile you live your best life. 

Oh and shame on those friends!! Part of being friends is understanding we are different and have different boundaries. You're not the type to jump in bed right away, they should respect that and encourage you to be authentic. 

[PeachPalm1]

17 minutes ago, Georgia46 said:

Maybe he was depressed about losing his job? 
 

However, saying the *casual* thing to you? Hmm

Someone who was genuinely into you wouldn’t say that. 
 

A man WILL though… you just have to find the right one. 

Yes but it’s my brain that’s like if HE wanted to be casual when we were such a good match, how can anyone else be a good match. It was a bit perfect how we clicked. 
 

he came back to be friends. Was texting me all the time and then he met this girl who seemed a very unlikely match for him, a woman with kids which surprised me as he said he didn’t want that lifestyle 

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

But I’m beating myself up and worried what it means about me. My friends say I’ve been too uptight and should have slept with him, and that’s where I go wrong with dating. I’m worried it means I’m not desirable as a woman.

What a horrible advice from your friends.

And what an utterly illogical conclusion by you.

That guy wanted a one night stand. You refused. He moved onto another target. What does this have to be with you being desirable or undesirable? Nothing at all.

Please, never sleep with a man too fast just because you’re afraid he’ll reject you otherwise. You should only have sex when you want to. Any other reason is flawed.