Am I missing signs she's interested or potentially seeing signs that aren't even there.

[Gaden]

I am currently in the final stages of my divorce from my wife (mother of my children) of 16 years. Over the years we have mostly been separated and just never been able to work at it. Although I wouldn't say I am 100% ready to start dating again there is someone who I think I would like to get to know better. This woman has been a friend to my soon to be ex-wife for about 6 years as our children are friends and go to the same school. This woman is a single mom herself and over the years I have never seen her as a romantic interest. Over this 7 year period she's been a regular visitor to our house and she has even accompanied us on family holidays. The father of her children has never been interested and I kind of took it upon myself to be a de-facto father to her children. We've probably exchanged messages twice a year on average and always about our children. Whenever we saw each other on the school playground to collect our children it was always a passing 'Hello' and she never approached me or vice versa to initiate a conversation. Being a friend of my wife, she has been privvy to information with regards to my marriage, so although she has always been friendly when we've seen each other, it's never been more than a brief greeting. Then about 10 months ago, there seemed to be a a change. A small change, but knowing her as I do, it still stood out.

The first instance was Xmas 2024. On xmas morning she sent me a photo of something she'd seen on Facebook which was a reference to a conversation we'd had about 5 years earlier. I was surprised she'd remembered the conversation. We wished each other Merry Christmas and that was that. But at the time I found it out of character for her to contact me.

Then towards the end of January, I was collecting my child from school and while waiting, this woman (who was already there) approached me to say hello (again, out of character). We said hello and I asked how she was and she said she was ill so she'd been convalescing on the sofa watching documentaries on youtube. It turned out she liked paranormal/cryptid/myths stuff which I too enjoy. She recommended a channel she'd been watching and then our kids came out of school, we said Goodbye and that was that. So i watched the channel she'd recommended and messaged her to say Thank You for the recommendation and as we were chatting it turned out we had even more things in common. Over the weeks i'd watch a certain video and message her to say I enjoyed it, and had she seen that particular one. As most of the videos are filmed in Canada and North America, some of the mountainous scenery is breathtaking. As we were chatting I said I'd love to pack my bags, grab my camera and catch a flight out there. To which she replied "If you're going I'm coming with you!!!". Now I'll be honest, I wasn't sure how to react to this, and not reading anything into it I just replied " Thats fine with me". Then the conversation went back to the subject in the videos.

After a few days we didn't message each other, I'd caught up on the youtube videos and that was that. Then just over a week since we last chatted on a Friday evening, she messaged me asking if I had seen a certain film. I said I had and as the conversation went on she told me it was her favourite film. We chatted again for a few days about different paranormal shows, etc. 

My soon to be ex-wife found out that we had been messaging each other and was not happy about it, calling it a betrayal and why should i deem it necessary to be talking to her friend? I didnt agree with her and said as two consenting adults it was none of her business. Then i thought about it for a while and while i dont agree with my to be ex-wife and didnt want this other woman being made to feel like she was being put in a situation between me and wife, so i decided not to message anymore. It's been about 5 months since we messaged and even now her comment of wanting to come with me to visit somewhere and the fact she messaged me after a week of no contact to talk to me about her favourite film has got me wondering if she was interested in me on a romantic level? I've never been the best when it comes to signs from women so would anyone else say there is a chance she is interested or am I reading into it too much? W

[Acacia98]

It sounds like she may have been interested. What exactly was the state of the relationship between you and your wife at that point? Had you begun the divorce process? And how did your wife find out you'd been messaging back and forth with her friend?

[ShyViolet]

I don't think the right question to be asking is whether she is interested.... more importantly, do you really think it's appropriate to jump from your divorce right into a flirtation/possible relationship with your wife's friend and your kids' friends' mom?  Do you really not see how that's a bit inappropriate and may make your kids feel uncomfortable?  

[Gaden]

2 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

It sounds like she may have been interested. What exactly was the state of the relationship between you and your wife at that point? Had you begun the divorce process? And how did your wife find out you'd been messaging back and forth with her friend?

I'd realised our relationship was finally over last October. We'd gone on a family holiday in the August and everything was perfect, though there was no talk of us getting back together we shared some intimate moments, however when we got back from the holiday she was very cold and distant. She told me there was a lot of resentment on her part of how things had turned out between us and that the holiday was just her getting caught up in the moment. When she told me this I knew it was well and truly over.  I filed for divorce this April this year. My wife found out because the daughter of the woman who I had been messaging must've mentioned it to her daughter, who then told me daughter as they are friends and my daughter asked me. I was very open and honest with my daughter and told her what subjects we had been talking about, and how this woman had told me about a youtube channel, etc.

[Gaden]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

I don't think the right question to be asking is whether she is interested.... more importantly, do you really think it's appropriate to jump from your divorce right into a flirtation/possible relationship with your wife's friend and your kids' friends' mom?  Do you really not see how that's a bit inappropriate and may make your kids feel uncomfortable?  

My wife and I have been over for about a year now. During our 16 year marriage, she has met other people in our 'separated phases' and she met someone last December and ended it in April when I filed for divorce. This isnt about me trying to get one up on her but i havent met anyone else during those 16 years or wanted to, nor is me being partially, and it is just partially, being interested in this other woman a way of getting back at her, so i wouldnt consider it 'jumping straight from a divorce'. It was just nice to talk to someone with who I shared so many common interests, considering I didnt know of them before. There was no flirting in any of our messages or any conversations that would be deemed 'romantic'in anyway, they were purley just about the youtube channels and certain interests.
With regards to it being 'inappropriate', I do see a perspective of that but part of me knows their relationship isn't what it used to be, so while i state they are 'friends', they're not in contact as much as a few years ago. 

[Gaeta]

The world is your playground so why pick one of her friends to start "a thing". If you date her it means she will lose that friend, they will not be able to share openly anymore. 

Now that you are newly single you will date many women before settling again. It's not worth jeapordizing her friendship just to wet your toes into dating again.

[Gaden]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

The world is your playground so why pick one of her friends to start "a thing". If you date her it means she will lose that friend, they will not be able to share openly anymore. 

Now that you are newly single you will date many women before settling again. It's not worth jeapordizing her friendship just to wet your toes into dating again.

I do understand where you're coming from and you do make a valid point. However, there are a few caveats, one of which is this. About 6 years ago my daughter was having a sleep over at her friends house, which is this other womans house. My wife and I were separated at the time (not my choice by the way), and had been for a few months. Both my wife and myself took our daughter to her friends house for the sleepover. It was her first sleepover and so we both wanted to reassure her. She knew the mom of her friend really well but still she was a bit apprehensive. Anyway, once we had dropped her off, my wife and I went our separate ways. About an hour later my wife messaged me to say that she thought her friend and I would make a good couple. Which at the time completely threw me as I had only met her friend a few of times when she came to our house a few months prior. In questioned her about it and she just said we'd be well suited as we're similar in character. Again, at the time this was difficult to fathom as to why she had said this.

 

[Gaeta]

So, 6 years ago your ex-wife made a comment about you and her friend having a few characteristics in common. It was an innocent comment. She did not think for 1 moment what it would mean to lose her friend's closeness to you. Also, I am thinking you are newly single and you're a bit scared of jumping back in the dating pool so you're looking at women in your backyard. It's not the right place to look. Get yourself a dating profile and start going on dates. Explore your new singlehood, see who else is out there. Forget about her friend, do you want your ex-wife to give you a hard time for the next few years? Do you want the kids to be upset with you? Do you want this other woman to lose her friend (your ex). 

[Gaden]

On 10/10/2024 at 2:01 PM, Gaeta said:

So, 6 years ago your ex-wife made a comment about you and her friend having a few characteristics in common. It was an innocent comment. She did not think for 1 moment what it would mean to lose her friend's closeness to you. Also, I am thinking you are newly single and you're a bit scared of jumping back in the dating pool so you're looking at women in your backyard. It's not the right place to look. Get yourself a dating profile and start going on dates. Explore your new singlehood, see who else is out there. Forget about her friend, do you want your ex-wife to give you a hard time for the next few years? Do you want the kids to be upset with you? Do you want this other woman to lose her friend (your ex). 

OK, we could go back and fourth with the rights and wrongs, ethics and morals of the situation, and even though I don't completely agree with you, I do appreciate you taking the time to reply. But with regards to my original question, just on an objective level, do you think the words and actions of this 'other woman' are of someone who is romantically interested in me? 

[Gaeta]

32 minutes ago, Gaden said:

do you think the words and actions of this 'other woman' are of someone who is romantically interested in me? 

There isn't really anything I can identify as a romantic interest in your text exchange. What you spoke about is pretty similar to what friends would talk about. I have a male friend who works for airplane company, he can travel around the world for $50. When he spoke to me about all those exotic destinations he can travel to I have said things like omg take me with you! It's just a thing to say to express: I envy you. 

 

[Acacia98]

If you're interested in pursuing something with this woman, OP, I would suggest that you don't do it now. Perhaps wait until you've been single for long enough to get the desire to date casually out of your system. In other words, date other women first.

I say that because, assuming she's interested in you, dating her would complicate things for you and the rest of your family. If you're planning to complicate your life in that way, it had better be for something that's worth it, i.e. a solid relationship, not a casual fling.

[Gaden]

9 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

If you're interested in pursuing something with this woman, OP, I would suggest that you don't do it now. Perhaps wait until you've been single for long enough to get the desire to date casually out of your system. In other words, date other women first.

I say that because, assuming she's interested in you, dating her would complicate things for you and the rest of your family. If you're planning to complicate your life in that way, it had better be for something that's worth it, i.e. a solid relationship, not a casual fling.

Believe, a drama free life is what I need right now, so doing something to complicate things is not what I need. I was curious as to what her messages and actions meant, and whether there was anything in them. If, in the future, a decided I was looking for a relationship, she would be the kind of person I'd be interested in. 

[Gaden]

16 hours ago, Gaeta said:

There isn't really anything I can identify as a romantic interest in your text exchange. What you spoke about is pretty similar to what friends would talk about. I have a male friend who works for airplane company, he can travel around the world for $50. When he spoke to me about all those exotic destinations he can travel to I have said things like omg take me with you! It's just a thing to say to express: I envy you. 

 

I see what you mean. I think because this other woman and I aren't 'friends' as such, we're more like acquaintances, the replies she gave caught me off guard. I've never been the greatest at these things. I don't know if a sign is 'a sign' of interest or whether I'm reading too much into something. Appreciate your honesty.

[Leihla_B]

The fact that news of your messaging passed through your children is disturbing, which may be what set off your ex. The friend may have been interested or just friendly, but I'd wait until long after your divorce cools before considering ways to find out.

Meanwhile, date neutral people. Use apps, join meetup.org groups, pair up with other single men to go out, join volunteer groups to meet new people in your community and build a social life that's not so intertwined with your family.

[Gaden]

13 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

The fact that news of your messaging passed through your children is disturbing, which may be what set off your ex. The friend may have been interested or just friendly, but I'd wait until long after your divorce cools before considering ways to find out.

Meanwhile, date neutral people. Use apps, join meetup.org groups, pair up with other single men to go out, join volunteer groups to meet new people in your community and build a social life that's not so intertwined with your family.

Thank You for replying and taking the time to read my 'dilemma'.

Thats one of the things that surprised me, the fact that this other womans daughter told my daughter that we had been messaging, makes me wonder why the fact we had been messaging was something to talk to her daughter about.
 

In terms of dating, I'd rather be on my own for now and focus on some projects and my kids. The reason why this woman peeked an interest is because, I do find her attractive, we have loads in common and as odd as it sounds, shes a female version of myself, even my kids have said over the years how similar we are in many ways. 

[introverted1]

On 10/9/2024 at 9:11 AM, Gaden said:

The first instance was Xmas 2024

Time travel!

[Gaden]

I had to get to 88mph to do it too.. Good spot thought, I didn't even notice it myself.

[Acacia98]

On 10/13/2024 at 1:53 PM, Gaden said:

I had to get to 88mph to do it too.. Good spot thought, I didn't even notice it myself.