soar eyes Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Hi Loveshack, I just joined and feeling welcome here, so I'm ready to put this out there. Hopefully someone has been in this situation and can give me some advice. First and foremost I am in my 40's and was married for 10 yrs, divorced for 8 and have 2 children by him. Nasty divorce. O.k here it is 8 yrs ago: I got out of the marriage and met this guy 8 yrs younger than me, I hadn't been dating and no clue what the rules were during that time. Well I wasn't ready to jump into anything serious at the time. This guy was just what the doctor ordered: full of life, spontaneous, adventurous, starting to become self employed, single, no children. O.k you get the picture. I could talk to him about anything, something I could never do with my mentally controlling, possessive ex. We grew as friends and lovers, I grew close to his family and friends. We had a non-committing relationship which was o.k with me for a while and when I wanted committment, he started spending less time with me. Thats when I caught him in bed with another woman. It hurt because he was first and foremost my friend and he told this woman that he had no close dealings with me and he wasn't even seeing me. I could see at that point the hate in his eyes. I walked away and eventually spoke with this woman who also shortly after left him. Of course he told me I lost a friend, o.k. I thought it was a shame, but I'd been thru worse. This was 3 years of knowing him. I started to exercise more and lost about 30 pounds. So of course he said he wanted to get back with me but he knew that I was seeing someone else non-committing again. I told him he was crazy to do it, but I said sure o.k. He drove 3 hours one night to find this man at my house and that sent him into orbit. The new guy wasn't right for me we stopped seeing each other. Now my friend wanted to really get back with me in a committed relationship. Thats what we did. Things were lovely and he and I were happy. Then I got pregnant, and my hormones went on a mission of there own. That imbalance sent me through some aggresive behavior that literraly scared him off 8 months after our baby was born. We then got back together for 5 months and he broke it off for good during a time I was going thru some b*s whith my ex-husband re: our daughter. I just broke down at that time. So I didn't have the energy to deal with both devastating issues at the same time, so I put grieving for my ex bf aside. All the while he was extremely distant with me, didn't want me near his house etc. Would meet me in a parking lot to take our daughter for visits. I finally started dealing with this last January when we started seeing each other again, but this time there was no, I mean absolutely no warmth/trust from him. I couldn't take it and that's when I started dealing with the loss. So it had been 2 yrs of ignoring my loss before this time. We have been intimate off and on but it is always a quickie and then he has to go, he never wants to do anything with me privately. Every thing is business as usual. Last summer we finally hashed it out, he said he left because of a small damage I did to his sisters rear view mirror. Well now we have worked out a schedule for our child that is better for her and us too. This is the problem: We still love each other and have been told that by people who are just around us. He has been seeing someone, but he says he has friends. Been there done that already with him. He continues to buy things for me, gives me money, I'm even driving one of his vehicles now. I have tried the NC thing with him, but we have a child and it is unavoidable. It gets to the point where I feel like I'm going to explode in anxiety over this issue. I want to move on with my life. I havent been able to really connect with anyone else because of my love for him. I am trying to get in a better financial position so I won't have to expect things from him. Actually I am happier at this point in my life in general than I have been in a long time. But My heart still aches so much. I want him to hold me. I feel that he loves me in my heart and I know that he cares about my welfare, but there is something that won't let us connect emotionally. I saw a therapist for a year during my hormonal rollarcoaster for the issue with my ex-hus and my daughter. That has all resolved and favorable outcome. My hormones are in balance now and am back to normal. I feel like I lost 2 years.
riobikini Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 Soar Eyes, I suggest you search the forum boards using key words relating to your topic, - key words like 'cheating', 'used', 'commit', and see what you come up with. Your story is very complicated and, sometimes, readers just stop reading when there are so many twists and turns in the first 'write'. After you've done some research here, all on your own, try coming back with another post and, I'll bet, -after having done your homework- you'll be able to write a less confusing, more coherent post about the main topic of your problem. Take care. And stay in the forum. -Rio
Outcast Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 The sad fact is that even if you love someone, it doesn't mean that person is good for you or that you should live with him. Rent 'The Way We Were' watch it and cry many times, and move on. I have a friend who is still pining for an ex she had years and years ago. Don't be her.
bluetuesday Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 I want to move on with my life. wanting to move on is a great first step. I feel that he loves me in my heart and I know that he cares about my welfare, but there is something that won't let us connect emotionally. if he loves you it's a kind of love that doesn't exclude him seeing other people, using you for quickie sex before he bolts out the door and not wanting to spend time with you privately. THAT'S what won't let you connect emotionally - his desire not to connect with you emotionally. don't sell yourself short. you can do so much better than this.
notmakingsense Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 soar eyes -- your situation is (as Rio mentions) very complicated and difficult! The fact that you need to maintain contact with your exbf makes it very difficult for you to move on... heck, a lot of us in this forum have a tough time of moving on even though we don't have ties like kids.... I would spend some time in the Divorce forum, because this is where people with kids in common must deal with the heartache, stress, and everything else that goes along with that situation.... but, make no mistake about it, you MUST find ways of moving on... getting to the point where YOU DON"T CARE what he thinks or is up to.... I got through a divorce, and it wasn't until I was OUT OF LOVE with my exw that I now can interact with her all the time -- and it doesn't bother me a bit. HOWEVER, I recently split with a gf -- and even though we don't have something like kids together -- it is MADDINGLY difficult to let go. So... none of us ever get the sytem down perfectly.... you are definitely not alone. Just keep reading and posting... best of luck!
Author soar eyes Posted January 8, 2006 Author Posted January 8, 2006 Rio, thank you for your advice and direction, since this site is all new to me. I read a couple of threads on self esteem and 2nd chance relationshps. I see peices of my issues in each one. I will keep searching thru the forums as you suggested. Thank you for breaking in my first real thread. Bluetuesday, I know I can do better than accepting being treated like a peice of trash. I confronted him one day about leaving so quickly after sex and he told me that he felt bad about it. What was so weird was, it didn't matter to me if he felt bad because It was my fault for allowing it to happen. (as though I have no control at all) I was more pissed off with myself than with him. notmakingsense - Getting to the point where I don't care about what he thinks is a reasonable goal, but it wasn't 6 months ago. I can see me going in that direction. If I can get through half of the vindictiveness and scheming from my exhusband and survive it, I know its just a matter of time for me to heal and get through this. Outcast- I'm a moviefanatic, I'll stop by the library and check it out.
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