UT_longhorn Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 GOD ITS BEEN 4 DAYS OF NC AND IM DYING!!! HELP ME! Its not getting any better. I've been keeping busy, and hanging out with friends but the pain is just as bad as day 1. I just want the pain to go away! What do I do? Is there a timeframe for when I might start to feel better? Oh my god. I want to call her sooooo bad.
not_myself Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Here's something to take your mind off things - YOU JUST WON THE NATIONAL TITLE!!! Vince Young is my new hero - Go out and celebrate and maybe that will take up one more day of NC, hang in there. It does get easier, or rather, you get used to it.
bab Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 I agree with not_myself, go out and celebrate! (I'm exhausted, stayed up until 12:30 watching that game, then was so jacked up couldn't sleep) Go out with friends, and continue to stay active, it will get easier!!
Ezydriver Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 4 days is nothing, I've gone 7 weeks and although I'm slowly getting better, I still have days where I'd murder someone just to spend an hour with her, However, if I had have contacted her then I know I'd have heard something I didn't want to, so in the long run, to speed up my recovery time, I know I have to be extremely strong and not contact her, they say its like heroin withdrawal, I believe them now. I completely feel your pain man, there is no comfort in the truth, but it has to be faced. Eventually you'll stop 'idealising' her as a goddess, like I did, and realise that she's just another girl, in time you probably wont even want to know her, the human spirit is amazing, healing is a very long hard climb, but ultimately worth it, everyday can seem like an eternity, I know, but life will distract you again. Be strong, be a man, face it head on and ride with it, trust me. Steve.
Author UT_longhorn Posted January 5, 2006 Author Posted January 5, 2006 EZ Driver ... its upsetting to hear that youve gone 7 weeks and its still that bad. Im only on day 4 !! I mean like my title mentions..the pain is excruciating. I dont even want to bear it. When does it start to get "OK"? Or just somewhat better?
riobikini Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 UT: I'm there with you. It hurts like hell. I keep reminding myself I'm a really big girl and MAKE myself do what I need to just to get through the day. I get so angry at myself because I've been through all this before, feeling the same blade cut right through me. I think "I should know better by now". But if I'd chose to remain unwelcome to the idea of loving someone, I know that my life would have less meaning, even though I would be eliminating the risk of being hurt. Today is one of my really 'down' days, too, UT. We'll work through it. We'll live. Take care. -Rio 1
riobikini Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 P.S. Go back and re-read NoFoolin's post...here's the link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=56954 I went back and read it again, too....I know it's geared to 'guys only' , but it's some of the hardest-hitting advice that I've found on here.....and every time I refresh with that 'guide' of his, -after I've finished reading and absorbing every word of it, I almost think I feel the beginnings of a real penis growing! Which is (stangely) kind of nice in regards to one's recent abscence.... (Smile) Take care. -Rio
Ezydriver Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 For me it was a few weeks until the excruciating pain started to dull, the last two days have been by far my best, though still tinged with a deep sadness, however today has been hell, I've cried more today than in a long time, I've had 1 tear free day in 7 weeks, which was two days ago, I'm on anti-depressants and my name is on the waiting list for a counsellor, also I've had panic attacks and other emotional meltdown moments where I seriously wished I was dead. This is personal to me though, this is my 5th breakup in my life and for some reason is 5 times harder than the hardest of the other 4 breakups, she was also the most unsuitable woman for me, by a long way, so I really can't understand the logic behind my grief. Also, it was my shortest relationship by a long way, just 6 months, all my others lasted 3 years or so. RIO, how long have you been split up? do you sometimes have emotional meltdowns (especially after hearing a song that reminds you of them in a shop or something) followed by a remarkable 'lift' a few hours later? Do you get depression? how hard is your breakup to you? Regards, Steve.
Author UT_longhorn Posted January 5, 2006 Author Posted January 5, 2006 Thanks Rio. It meant alot that you shared that with me. I want to go to her, tell her I love her and things will all be great...but I know exactly what that does..opens me up deeper and pushes her farther. How long has it been NC for you? When can I expect to feel a little bit of breathing room here?
Author UT_longhorn Posted January 5, 2006 Author Posted January 5, 2006 EZ Driver... Im really really sorry to hear that you are so hurt man. I'm at least glad to hear that you do have some good moments. Also its the same for me...I know shes not "the one" but its still so incredibly difficult to swallow this poison. I'm so glad there are people on here like you and Rio to know that I'm not alone in this.
ashley83 Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 I am at 2 weeks of NC today, and I am waaaaaaaaaaaay better than when I was at day 4. Hang in there!!
WindDrifter Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 UT you knew she wasn't "the one" I am giving "my one" space and it's killing me. WE have only been broken up for a couple days but it hurts so much. What makes it worse is we have spoken already and she has texted me. I think its better when I don't ever think she will call me again. But when she does then it gets my hope up again. Everything I do reminds me of her. I also have a lot of studies to get through which makes it worse. All that silence all that time to think. My problem it I don't know where I stand. I can't hate her for taking the time she needs but I love her and want to be with her. I just hope it all works out. I am worried it won't and might just be fooling myself but I want to give us the best shot I can. I keep thinking in the back of my head that I will never find another person with everything she has in personality, beauty, love, kindness and brains. Ezy I reakon you are right we do place them on a pedastil and believe they are angels. But thats what love does. Doesn't it? Good Luck all! WD
riobikini Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Ezydriver, UT: RE: how long have you been split up? do you sometimes have emotional meltdowns (especially after hearing a song that reminds you of them in a shop or something) followed by a remarkable 'lift' a few hours later? Do you get depression? how hard is your breakup to you? I've not heard from him for two weeks. Like you, we only dated exclusively for around 6 months but I knew him and had dinner with him a couple of times 3 or 4 months before. And yes, I do have my own unique 'meltdown sessions'. Do I get depressed? Depression is defined by specific criteria and, to date, I can truly say I am not depressed by the clinical definition, ALTHOUGH, I do have a deep and painful sadness that is difficult to break free from using everyday 'sadness-breaking' techniques. For instance, if someone told me a hilariously funny joke right now, they would be in serious danger and probably need to be in really good shape in order to move fast enough to miss the flying coffee cup, stapler, or whatever else that was lying around and not nailed down. I also wouldn't be in the mood for feet-tickling, nor want to be around anyone who's just always naturally happy. But I COULD go for a really big pile of seven-layer chocolate cake and a bottle of wine; the cake eaten with my fingers and the vino straight from the bottle. (Who would know?) As for stuff reminding me of him, -of course, everything does at the moment. But I am relying on my past experiences, and if I can just put enough time AND activity between me and THESE PARTICULAR days, I know I'll be OK. Last, you ask how hard the breakup is on me. I was lucky not to have invested any more time with this relationship than I did. I was also very lucky that I had not reached the 'point of no return' in having lifetime expectations out of the relationship, although I was (am) in love with him. There's something about picturing yourself (myself) in white (as long as it didn't catch on fire with me in it) and daydreaming about exotic honeymoons spent on white powdery beaches that separates the formation of the first few small veins of love from the emotion-engorged arteries of 'forever' love. The pain from neither is less acutely perceived by our emotions but the latter is more difficult simply because the lifetime expectations were present. So I was lucky this time. I was only on the verge of hoping for that dream. I hope this has been helpful. Word from the seventies: HANG IN THERE! Try some chocolate. Chocolate is good for whatever ails you. (Smile) Take care. -Rio
Ezydriver Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 WindDrifter, the reason we place them on a pedestal is because we sub-conciously think that if they're capable of wreaking such havoc with our emotions, we somehow think that they must be special and powerful, hence the 'idealisation' of them. Its probably got more to do with infatuation than love, we adore them, we can't help it, its scary, and it sucks. This is one of the paradox's of losing someone that hurts us. This idealisation is what reinforces our (often misguided) belief that we'll never find another with their charisma, brains, looks, whatever it is etc... I have personally fallen victim to this train of thought twice. The first time was a girl (my first heartbreak) who was pretty, outgoing, had emotional awareness, wrote poetry, held a good conversation, and every time I was near her I was electrified, she confessed to these feelings about me too. It never went anywhere for other reasons, but thats another story. The point that I'm trying to make is that in time, I saw her for what she really was, an insecure loony who (unknown to me) had a history of reeling in the men, getting them crazy about her, then casting them off. This was her true side. I had her way up there on a pedestal, in my mind no other girl on this planet had ever been like her, in truth, billions have been. The heartbreak obviously wasn't that bad, in hindsight, because I fell for the same thing again, back in April 2005. Again, another loony, a whole host of emotional damage and issues, going through a divorce, her thing was feist, a colourful flair, a whole wealth of life experience, very pretty, intelligent (i.e could talk about religion, art, psychology, you name it...) she certainly wasn't dull and is very attractive, this is what I'm still hung up on big time, however, her true side is a follows, cold, unempathetic, insecure, very selfish, very stubborn, cowardly, big abandonment issues, it took me 6 months for me to see this yet I am still pinning for the other side of her, which I typed out before, hardly any amount of logical straight thinking can make her bad points outweigh her attractive traits, this is why love (infatuation?) hurts, the heart is treacherous. However, I am (very) slowly starting to withdraw the pedestal now, she isn't a goddess, she is a danger, there are millions out there like her, and yours too, there really are. I've had this thought about the first one, that nobody will ever be like her, that faded and I felt just the same about this one, this, I'm sure will fade too, and then in time, I'll think that about another "I'll never find another like her"everything I do reminds me of her too, like you, and at times I feel like I am her (feel that I'm sitting how she used to, have the same facial expressions etc...) my problem too was that I didn't know where I stood, I do now and I'm trying to face it like a man, I've read that its easier to come off heroin. UT_longhorn Its funny isn't it? out of all the women I've been involved with (5) she was the most unsuitable one, yet this is the hardest breakup I've ever faced by miles. I'm very depressed. I don't know why, it would seem that I should just be able to get over her almost instantly because she was definitely the wrong one, we were never going to have children, she was 34 and found her son hard enough, I personally don't believe in marriage, she relished the thought of marriage (god help the sod who does marry her) it just goes on and on as to the reasons why we were so not for each other. Yet I'm so hung up on when we first met, the spiritual and mental and intellectual connections we'd made, something we both agreed on. The way she had a broad taste in music and seemed 'cool' like that, she knew stuff I knew but what nobody else did, that was so cool. I fancied her physically so much, she oozed a sexual potency like nothing I've ever felt before, to me, she was magic. In reality though, she was a messed up teenager trapped in a womans body. Regards, Steve.
Ezydriver Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Rio, 6 months? its a funny sort of time period isn't it, not long enough to be considered a long term relationship, yet long enough for it to be considered more than just a fling, somebody can have a dramatically profound effect on you in such a time, oh I don't know. I love your idea of the chocolate cake and wine (although I've made a concious decision not to drink a drop until I'm over her) and when I read that I actually smiled and thought "me too". Although I've taken a liking to almond croissants at the minute and cups of hot chocolate. I too have the deep painful sadness which seems underlying in the grief stages, its like one long seperate stage that accompanies the grief stages, I can't shake it off, going to bed is the worst, she's no longer there to cuddle up tight to and have a laugh with. Oh well never mind, its a neccesary stage of life I suppose, its for a reason. Take care, Steve.
riobikini Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 EZY, UT: RE: I too have the deep painful sadness which seems underlying in the grief stages, its like one long seperate stage that accompanies the grief stages, I can't shake it off, going to bed is the worst, she's no longer there to cuddle up tight to and have a laugh with. Oh well never mind, its a neccesary stage of life I suppose, its for a reason. I'd never tie myself to the proverbial whipping post for pleasure...it's too kinky, liking pain isn't on my list of 'things to do on a sunday afternoon', and I just don't like being tied to anything against my will. (Smile) BUT, -I really do have to note that pain is the natural process of love in reverse. We don't like it, but somewhere during the worst of it, we have to accept it and suck it up. -Rio
Ezydriver Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 Good god, to think that I like it is absurd LOL. I liked the love part though, euphoria, hmmmm,
Author UT_longhorn Posted January 6, 2006 Author Posted January 6, 2006 i guess because this is the first time that I've been broken up with I'm not familiar with the emotional stages that come along with it. I've broken up with someone many many years ago but never been on this side of the story. Everyone tells me something different on when you get better. 4 days and today I completely lost it, at one point crying my head off and begging God to ease my suffering. Actually after that release, I feel somewhat better. It must have been all the pain I held in that I never released through tears all coming out. And boy did it come out. Rio, thats interesting verbiage - "pain is the natural process of love in reverse". You're so right. Are you not better after 2 weeks? And you Ezy after 7? I cannot bear to think that I'll be like this for that long. Sounds like such a mountain to climb and I'm already weary from all of this.
Ezydriver Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 today I completely lost it, at one point crying my head off and begging God to ease my suffering. Actually after that release, I feel somewhat better. Me too, the last two days I had been feeling positively better, Tuesday was my first day with no tears, thats 47 days after the split. However today I heard 1 of 3 songs that I STRONGLY associate with her, well, 2 seconds of it, I dashed out of the room, up to my bedroom and started hyper ventilating, I cried so badly that I was dribbling and even, as you say, praying to god, something I've NEVER done. Now though, I feel back to how I was the last 2 days, which is a lot lot better compared to the last 7 weeks. It took me by suprise though, the last time I was that bad was new years eve, near midnight, and before that, maybe 2 or 3 weeks ago, these extroadinary spontenious outburts of grief are, for me, relatively far and few between, about 1 every 2 weeks, but today proved to me that I'm maybe not as healed as I thought I was. I recieved an email from a woman in america who said she was devestated over her divorce for 6 months, she cried every day for 6 months, it 11 months for her now, and although she said she feels a lot better, still has moments where she bursts into tears, this is true heartbreak my friend, a once (perhaps twice) in a lifetime experience, apparently we'll see it as a blessing when we're through, I'm told. Keep in touch if it helps. email me at [email protected] Steve.
riobikini Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 UTLonghorn, RE: Rio, that's interesting verbiage - "pain is the natural process of love in reverse". You're so right. Are you not better after 2 weeks? And you Ezy after 7? I cannot bear to think that I'll be like this for that long. Sounds like such a mountain to climb and I'm already weary from all of this. UT, I stepped back a few hundred yards from the above quote from your post in order to view it from a different perspective, and relate it to something that has been 'processing' in the back of my mind. The 'thing' is this: First, all of us are as much the same as we are different. Concentrating on the differences that shape us, tho, - we have different personalities, life experiences, backgrounds, different careers, lifestyles, and personal tastes, etc., -and all of that causes us to be the INDIVIDUAL that we currently ARE. Now, with all of those differences determining and directing our lives, shouldn't it be reasonable to think that we all probably HEAL at a different pace that is in PROPORTION to, -AND LED BY those differences? For instance, one guy might react to the fresh scratch on his new Harley bike with enormous impassioned rage, having drooled in his sleep with dreams of owning one since he was eight, -and another guy, who gets the same shaft might be pretty damned pissed, maintains a considerable amount of 'cool', -but knows right off the bat the shop to take it to and have it fixed. Just differences in display, -our individual 'stamp' or 'signature'- that prompt our emotional and behavioral reactions. POINT: There are differences genetically written into us from the day we are born that are developed by all those key criteria that I listed above that shape us and have a direct impact on HOW we recover (method), how QUICKLEY we recover , and how SOON it will be before we break out the bike again. And, hell, we all feel better in black leather. (Smile) Take care. -Rio
Author UT_longhorn Posted January 6, 2006 Author Posted January 6, 2006 Ezy (Steven) ... I really appreciate that man. I'm holding onto the hope of one day being better and I'm just seeking that tiny speck of light at the end of this long dark tunnel. Everyone, I mean everyone tells me it'll get better. I guess I'm being just very impatient and already sick of being crushed by this weight. Thanks for reaching out to me like that man. I really appreciate it. Im going to PM you my email address too. I already wrote yours down...so you can edit it out of your message later.
Author UT_longhorn Posted January 6, 2006 Author Posted January 6, 2006 Thanks to you too Rio...I've read alot of your posts on here and have the utmost respect of your opinions and thoughts. Loveshack is lucky to have someone as giving as you.
riobikini Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 Believe me, I'm getting way more than I give. -Rio
Author UT_longhorn Posted January 6, 2006 Author Posted January 6, 2006 Here we go...start of day 5 NC. I went out last night with friends which was very good for me and took my mind off of her till i was in bed going to sleep. I purchased some sleeping pills for my restlessness. I woke up dreaming about her. F()CK!! But I did come to a realization that I smothered her...and she had fallen out of love with me. She tried again for my pain...but I messed up too quickly. Now I know...its truly over. She no longer ever wants me and thats a step to healing. Not holding on to the thought of getting back to gether. I hope today is not as bad as yesterday. Hope everyone with a broken heart may find some solitude today.
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