D-Dan Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Hi. I'm 41 years old and separated from my last long term girlfriend for 2 years. Recently, I've started seeing a new girl. She's only 23, but I find I'm already falling in love with her. The problem is an ex boyfriend (from 6 years ago) is suddenly back on the scene and trying to win her back - and worse is she's thinking about it. I know I have self-interest in this, but whenever I've tried turning the clock back like that it has been disastrous. People change and 6 years is a long time. Unfortunately, he has the advantage of history. I can see she's torn, but I'd hate to lose her before we have a chance to see where we could go. Do I have any options other than wait it out and risk (another) broken heart?
bluechocolate Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Do I have any options other than wait it out and risk (another) broken heart? If she's thinking about it & torn up about it then I'd say the only option you have is to set her free. I know I have self-interest in this, but whenever I've tried turning the clock back like that it has been disastrous. Not only a self-interest, but years more experience than her to have come to this conclusion. Most likely, if they get back together, their relationship will not work, but sometimes people have to learn their own lessons in their own time. Personally I would never be involved with someone who was unsure about staying with me or rekindling an old flame.
blind_otter Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 If she's that wishy washy now, it doesn't bode well for the future. Step back and remain friends. If she figures out what she wants, by all means continue. But for now, a brief hiatus from romantic interactions is in order. Until she figures out what she wants.
whichwayisup Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 I agree. Back off and see what happens. Maybe she needs to try it again with the other guy, realize that it's a mistake and she'll come look for you. It all depends on how you look at things, in a positive way or a negative way. If she is worth waiting for, then let her go...Let whatever is going to happen happen and things will play out as it will. I'm sure it still hurts, but hang in there. She's young still and right now the age thing may have something to do with it. Good luck, I hope things work out in the end in your favour.
D-Dan Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Thanks guys. Seems like the decision, or at least the options, are out of my hands now. She's meeting with him tonight "to talk". I'm not convinced she wants to go back, but as you have all pointed out, she's young, and perhaps needs to explore her options in a way I can no longer understand. I'll see what becomes of the talk, and respect her decision even if I don't like it. Of course, if she decides to stick with me and then starts to get wishy washy I'll call it a day myself.
D-Dan Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 Just a quick update. She couldn't seem to make up her mind - so I made it up for her. Now I feel really low - but don't feel like I had a choice. First step in the rest of my life plan - go to the local and get wasted.
bluechocolate Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 ....but don't feel like I had a choice. Of course you did - it's just that the other choice would have been the wrong one. In all likelihood you've saved yourself a great deal of future torment with this girl. Like you in this situation, I usually pay attention to signs that say: "Wrong Way - Go Back".
blind_otter Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 Please don't get into the habit of using alcohol (or anything else) to cope with your emotions. You feel low, it's ok. But at least allow yourself to feel your feelings.
D-Dan Posted January 8, 2006 Posted January 8, 2006 Thanks for the words. I'm sure I'll feel better in a few days (At least - I hope I will). Trouble is, I've got so many other problems at the mo I don't know which is which. I do know that she fell straight into the arms of this other guy - so p'raps I didn't mean that much to her - or p'raps that's just the younger way of coping. I don't know. Tomorrow I'll see her (she works at the cafe where I take my lunch) - so I've gotta be the grown up and look OK. That ain't gonna be easy - but I'll manage. It's got me wondering, tho'. Are there any women out there that just want to love someone without screwing with their heads. After the past 6 years I'm starting to doubt it. And the worst thing is - the only person I can really talk to is the first woman I ever really loved - 23 years ago - and again 3 years ago. Now I have to beat myself up for messing that one up myself.
Sami_D Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Hello D-dan. Well there are a lot of regrets and looking-backwards feelings in this thread. You don't ONLY have the woman from 23 years ago to talk to! You're being very negative, and that can't possibly be realistic. This is a really grim time of year and it seems to be rubbing off on you... Seems to me that you're feeling down about so many things at the moment. Perhaps it would be a better idea to get other areas of your life sorted out first, before wondering too much about this girl or your ex.
D-Dan Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Well - I fell for the "Try again" scenario after she said she was doubting her decision - and ended up back where I started. I really was starting to believe that she was just a little too immature. However, we had a chat today, and she finally opened up a bit and was honest with me. It seems (my opinion) that this thing with the other guy is just something she has to do, or spend the rest of her life regretting it. So I finally let her go with my best wishes. I left the door open if things don't work out and she wants to try with us, but made it clear that I won't sit at home waiting for the call. Oddly, whilst I feel down about the whole thing, I also feel that I've done the right thing. I can go out with my head held high, and if I meet someone else I can give my attention to them, rather than waiting for something that may never happen. Perhaps I'm the one who has finally grown up ?!?
CruzinRed Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 You did the right thing.. I'm 23 and actually have an ex that has always been in the picture, and sometimes I wonder why.. I'm still attached but more lately I'm starting to wake up and realize I've been on the back burner for quite a while now. I'm married but also things went on with the ex while I was dating my now husband, so you can see the ex isn't a good influence. In my opinion you did the right thing by letting her go, it will let her play around with the thoughts she's been having and maybe she'll realize why he's an EX. That's always the part I miss out on and keep having to remind myself LOL.
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