Response times replying to messages

[Georgia46]

7 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Four days. He was consistent up to that point. 

Our first date was a week away initially.

People are busy, I get that, but a text takes literally seconds.   Or even a text to say I’m really busy but I’ll be in touch as soon as I can. 
 

I just can’t be bothered with people like this, they usually turn into a huge disappointment. 
 

old me probably would have gone on the date - new me - Nahhhhhh.   NEXT. 
 

take care whatever you decide

[Marka]

if you are still curious about him, go and meet him. If you dont want to meet him, just dont go. If i wouldnt have better plans I would probably go, better to sit at home and watch TV and you never know, some ppl are bad texter. But if you are so turned off, and a company of TV sounds better than his, then stay and home and watch some shows:)

[Leihla_B]

2 hours ago, Marka said:

if you are still curious about him, go and meet him. If you dont want to meet him, just dont go. If i wouldnt have better plans I would probably go, better to sit at home and watch TV and you never know, some ppl are bad texter. But if you are so turned off, and a company of TV sounds better than his, then stay and home and watch some shows:)

Yes! I've had cycles of hard deadlines and the whole world picks THEN to reach out to me, but I'm bouncing around in my brain with continual interruptions and pressures. I've left text messages for days... yes, embarrassing, but not intentional.

The larger point is, what kind of 'interest' can a stranger really have in another stranger until that stranger becomes real? Unless your social calendar is so full of better things to do, how much skin from your back does it take to just meet when you've scheduled to meet to check one another out?

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

The larger point is, what kind of 'interest' can a stranger really have in another stranger until that stranger becomes real? Unless your social calendar is so full of better things to do, how much skin from your back does it take to just meet when you've scheduled to meet to check one another out?

Have you done online dating? I will try to explain how it feels. So first we make a contact online and we exchange with someone. We discover we have quite a bit in common, we have a glim of their personality, we find them interesting, often they'll make us laugh. This happens after 20-40 messages of boring contacts who did nothing for us. So yes, even if we did not meet them in real, we think this would be someone we would like to meet. This happens to both sides. There are SO many hit and miss online that once someone gets your attention - you don't forget them 4 days. Especially for serious daters. If someone is on a dating app to find a casual dater, for the occasional date, sure you might forget their text but for a serious dater? no. Look at how many people post on here and so nervous about making a first impression on a 'good contact'. 

If I had ignored my boyfriend's text 4 days before we meet because he was just a stranger ....we would not be together. Answering in a timely matter shows your manners and it shows your interest. When my boyfriend sent me a message on our dating app and we exchanged a bit, he was so interesting and funny, no way I could have forgotten about him for a week. 

 

[Alpacalia]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts! Like I said, it's not so much about response times, it's that he specifically asked me a question, I replied and then he left me on read for several days. I just feel, if you're going to ask someone a question and they take the time to reply, at least acknowledge it within a reasonable time frame. So my hesitation is more about his communication style rather than anything else. I do not expect to be a priority without knowing him that well as he's not a priority to me right now as well. 

[Georgia46]

That’s it it shows just what he’s like from the start.  

You know when you’ve read a message and haven’t responded to someone and it’s not even about being a priority - its  just rude.     
 

I can’t deal with people like this and I never will again after having been involved with someone exactly like this, no thanks. 

 

[Leihla_B]

Hah! Okay, nobody on this site would date me. I rarely reply to an answer that does not contain a question. Bad! BAD! Leihla...

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

Hah! Okay, nobody on this site would date me. I rarely reply to an answer that does not contain a question. Bad! BAD! Leihla...

Well, my response didn't include a question so fair enough.

He has been reaching out a lot so I think friends sounds good.

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

He has been reaching out a lot so I think friends sounds good.

Huh?..

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Huh?..

I called off the date. But I am open to being friends. We run in the same social circle so I don't want any awkwardness. 

[Foxhall]

you were looking for reassurance from him before committing to the date which is not unreasonable or anything,

 

its interesting the dynamic of communication- a person needs to feel a certain amount of comfort to go ahead with something and if one person is not fully invested it can easily put the other person off,

 

Personally I have not had the right mindset for dating anyone this year- better not bother at all if the mind is not tuned in,

communication or lack off determines a lot.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, happyhorizons said:

This is disappointing and sad to read….

I just felt something was off. Aren't we supposed to listen to our gut feelings? I didn't want to invest in something that didn't feel right. 

[Alpacalia]

40 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

I was hoping for a LOVE CONNECTION..........

Sorry to disappoint you.

[FredEire]

The classic "Sorry my phone died for three days/My dog ate my phone/I had a mental breakdown but I'm fine now", lol.

Personally if there was a girl I was actually into I'd never leave it more than a few hours to reply in the case that I was actually genuinely very busy, as I wouldn't want her to think I was losing interest and cool off herself.

I would say it's the same for the vast majority of guys, but obviously there are always some exceptions.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

The classic "Sorry my phone died for three days/My dog ate my phone/I had a mental breakdown but I'm fine now", lol.

Personally if there was a girl I was actually into I'd never leave it more than a few hours to reply in the case that I was actually genuinely very busy, as I wouldn't want her to think I was losing interest and cool off herself.

I would say it's the same for the vast majority of guys, but obviously there are always some exceptions.

Yep.

He said he didn't want to be overbearing by messaging too much prior to a first date, not wanting to spoil conversations for said date. Any who, he asked me to reconsider going on a date but I think we're kind of past that point.

 

[FredEire]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Yep.

He said he didn't want to be overbearing by messaging too much prior to a first date, not wanting to spoil conversations for said date. Any who, he asked me to reconsider going on a date but I think we're kind of past that point.

 

Heh, he might have been reading some silly PUA articles about "wait THIS long before texting her back".

Just sounds like a lack of social skills tbh, there's overbearing floods of kissy emojis and then there's leaving you on read for 4 days haha. There's a healthy middle ground.

[Gebidozo]

4 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Yep.

He said he didn't want to be overbearing by messaging too much prior to a first date, not wanting to spoil conversations for said date. Any who, he asked me to reconsider going on a date but I think we're kind of past that point.

 

Looks like he turned you off with his indecisiveness.

It’s a classic case. Most women don’t like men who hesitate and overthink and are afraid to take the initiative. I’ve seen this happen so many times. It can be just as off-putting as the opposite, when guys get too active and too clingy early on.

It’s because both these types of behavior stem from the same source: insecurity.

[Gebidozo]

6 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Heh, he might have been reading some silly PUA articles about "wait THIS long before texting her back".

Just sounds like a lack of social skills tbh, there's overbearing floods of kissy emojis and then there's leaving you on read for 4 days haha. There's a healthy middle ground.

Haha, you’ve expressed the exact same thought as I have in my last message, I think we posted both messages simultaneously

[FredEire]

53 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Haha, you’ve expressed the exact same thought as I have in my last message, I think we posted both messages simultaneously

Haha yeah, great minds!

[Alpacalia]

14 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Looks like he turned you off with his indecisiveness.

It’s a classic case. Most women don’t like men who hesitate and overthink and are afraid to take the initiative. I’ve seen this happen so many times. It can be just as off-putting as the opposite, when guys get too active and too clingy early on.

It’s because both these types of behavior stem from the same source: insecurity.

Yes, this is exactly it! Thanks for articulating it much better than I did!

[riversidemf]

I am with you! It's all confusing. Him not messaging back for a couple days could be him just trying to play it cool or not that interested. If only we could read minds.

[Gaeta]

41 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

He should’ve been more assertive for sure but I wonder if that would’ve put you off and assertive male ?

I wonder why you want, so much, to give the benefit of the doubt to this man. OP deserves a confident man, genuinely interested, that will behave like a gentleman toward her. Not someone insecure, playing games, half hearted, socially inept, what ever else made him think that going silent 4+ days was ok. 

[Marka]

Personally I refuse to invest emotionally in a man i have never met in person.  After first date sure but not before. So many people lie on OLD about age, height, occupation, photos, marital status. Just no.  I exchange couple of messages to see I would be interested to meet him and then maintain minimum communication till date. Sure I wont leave them on read if they asked me a a question, but if they haven't that's fine to go silent till date and reconnect just a day or two before to confirm that a date will go ahead. After a date of connection is there I will ramp it up. And expect the same from a guy. If a guy is acting aloof after a date, I cut my losses.

Edited October 10, 2024 by Marka

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, Marka said:

Personally I refuse to invest emotionally in a man i have never met in person.  After first date sure but not before. So many people lie on OLD about age, height, occupation, photos, marital status. Just no.  I exchange couple of messages to see I would be interested to meet him and then maintain minimum communication till date. Sure I wont leave them on read if they asked me a a question, but if they haven't that's fine to go silent till date and reconnect just a day or two before to confirm that a date will go ahead. After a date of connection is there I will ramp it up. And expect the same from a guy. If a guy is acting aloof after a date, I cut my losses.

I think that's true, for sure. A bit of chit chat pre date is positive but you don't want to overdo it.

Leaving on read/ghosting is another thing entirely though. It shows disinterest, lack of basic respect and to be honest it seems like a really teenage way to end a relationship from someone in their 20s, 30s, or beyond.

It's depressing how common it is these days.

[Marka]

46 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I think that's true, for sure. A bit of chit chat pre date is positive but you don't want to overdo it.

Leaving on read/ghosting is another thing entirely though. It shows disinterest, lack of basic respect and to be honest it seems like a really teenage way to end a relationship from someone in their 20s, 30s, or beyond.

It's depressing how common it is these days.

But in my understanding he didn't leave her on read? the conversation was over. He asked question, she replied, didn't ask question back. He left it. If I ask guy question, he replies back bit not asking anything, I would probably think, he is busy or prefers to get to know people in person. I guess we are all different.