Isolde Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Hi everyone. I'm new here but for some reason the boards won't let me register. I would really, really appreciate any help anyone could give. This is a problem that has been bothering me for a while. I hope I can get some advice here, because I feel too weird approaching my friends about it and I don't know how objective their opinion is. I've been having insecurities about my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend/fiance (they were informally engaged) for some time now, and I have no idea if I am overreacting or if I'm justified in this. This story is long, sorry for the length of it but I don't know how else to explain everything. Their backstory is: They started dating when he was 15 and she was 19. They dated for five years, then she dumped him but they remained "best friends" and hung out every day. He still wanted to get back together with her, but after a year he tried to move on with his life and started dating another girl, but hid the fact from his ex to not hurt her. After about six months of dating her, his ex found out he had a girlfriend and decided she wanted to get back together with him. He initially refused because he didn't want to get hurt again, but she convinced him it would be different this time and they would get married when they got back together. He ended up dumping his current girlfriend and got back together with her. He admitted he did some things with his ex while he was dating the other girl, like letting her kiss him and turning down going out with his gf to hang out with his ex, but says he never cheated. Anyway, after they got back together they made plans to get married but she ended up cheating on him and dumping him six months later. She said he was still her best friend and wanted to stay friends, but he didn't want to because she cheated on him so they're not friends any more. He still sees her mother every week or so though. I met him a year and a half later after this happened, he was still obviously very scarred and heartbroken by the experience. Since we hung out in a group of friends before we started dating, he talked about her constantly, alternating between how heartbroken he was and how she was the perfect woman no one could ever measure up to and how she was a manipulative bitch. He also had a huge grudge against women in general, and kept saying how they were all cheating bitches, etc, yet at the same time saying he could never date anyone else because no one could ever measure up to how wonderful his ex was. After we started dating, I thought the talk about the ex would decrease, but he kept talking about her constantly and how heartbroken he was by her. He admitted he had baggage because he was afraid to be hurt but said he had no feelings for her. Sometimes he talked about stuff which I could understand (travel experiences), but other times were out of line I thought (when we would be fooling around, he would compare our experiences with theirs.) He also made constant comparisons between me and her. He also would go out with his guy friends and complain about how badly his ex treated him, and make comments about how all women were bitches while we were dating. After he saw some old photographs of her from his brother's album he started crying about how much she hurt him. He also has two drawers full of stuff from her which he absolutely refuses to throw out. I am okay with the photographs because they are from travel (they travelled through Australia for a year and Mexico for several months), but I don't understand the need to keep all the love letters and photos not from special ocassions. He also has a birthday card she gave him propped on his desk which he claims he has there because he likes the cover. He says he doesn't want to throw away the letters because he wants to save the memories. About six months into our dating, I made clear to him I was tired of all the talk about his ex and he pretty much stopped, except for indirect references to their travelling. (He has a double standard though, he won't let me talk about anything of other guys I previously dated.) He did say that he thinks first loves are magical and you never forget them, but says that "objective circumstances" are the reason why our first year was not as special as him and his ex's first year (after we started dating, he had mono for six months, and then was injured in a car accident). He also said he had fewer responsibilities and stress in his life back then which is why he has so many more “special” memories with her (we both have too much going on in our jobs to even take a weekend getaway). Anyway, we have been dating now for a year and a half, and I still can't shake this insecurity. I think it's hard knowing that the girl was the one who left him, not the other way around, and that if she hadn't dumped him he probably would have been married to her by now. He admitted that he wasn't ready when we first started dating to date again but he is now. I guess sometimes I feel like I'm just like the other girl he started dating after his ex dumped him but dumped shortly after his ex decided she wanted him back, and that the only reason we're together is because his ex has moved on and is engaged. I also sometimes see similarities between me and this other girl he dated after her (both of us were younger, liberal, outgoing and in law school while his ex is older, conservative, shy, and was a high school drop out at the time they were engaged). He admitted that he has issues with the fact that he thinks I'm intelligent and ambitious and that one of the things he liked about his ex was that he could teach her a lot of stuff because she wasn't very smart. I still feel all these insecure emotions that I know are irrational. For instance, I've become obsessed with finding whatever I can about her. I googled her and looked up posts she made on message baords, she took a university class with me last semester and I kept trying to find her (never did, I guess she doesn't go to class), and I asked mutual friends about what she was like. I snuck into his photo album and looked at pictures of her and now I can't get the images off my mind. I'm also obsessed with competing with her, even though I know it's totally stupid. This also makes me feel inadequate, because the two of them shared experiences I know we will never be able to experience, like travelling the world together for two years (we are both in professional careers and don't get much time off). I also compare things he did for her versus me. I got upset when he told me he bought he flowers every day for the five years they were together (he has gotten me flowers about twice in our dating period). He also bought her tons of gifts and jewelry, and spent thousands on her birthday (he spends about $100 on mine and never buys gifts for no reason). He says it was because he was foolish with money back then and had less financial responsibilities. He also said he took time off school to travel with her (he won't take any vacation time for me) because he had fewer obligations. I also have stupid personal competitions with her..She's one of those girls who can make perfect handmade cards and placemats and scrapbooks and I try to make mine look as nice as hers, even though I've never been that type of girl. There is also stuff they had that I know we can't ever have, like the closeness of their families and friends. They had all mutual friends (most of our friends hate each other) and their families got along so well her mother bought a house in the same neighbourhood as his so they could have dinner together every day. Both him and his ex’s family are Francophone Canadian which have very strong solidarity (I'm Asian so there is a cultural clash and our families don't get along). The few mutual friends we have tell me that I'm much better than his ex and that his ex was ugly, but I'm not very reassured by this, because the other girl he was dating that he dumped for his ex was extremely attractive and smart, and he still dumped her. I don't personally think his ex is very pretty but before we started dating he told me that he thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world, so obviously he thinks she was. I guess another reason why I feel this way is because I never dated anyone seriously before him and don't have this kind of baggage. Sometimes I wish I had just so we could be "even" and then maybe I wouldn't feel this sway. The reason why this came up now is that a week ago we ran into his ex's best friend at the opera. He was mad at me at the time over something else and introduced me as his friend. He said he did it because he was angry, but I can't help thinking he did it so that his ex's best friend won't tell her he has a new girlfriend. He doesn’t talk about his ex now unless I bring her up but I don’t know if that’s just because I told him that it upsets me. He claims he doesn't have any feelings for her. Anyway, I know I sound completely crazy. I just need some objective advice here - my friends think he's still in love with his ex and I should dump him but they don't like him, so I don't know how objective they are. I think he was in love with her when we first started dating, but I don't know if he is any more. Even if he isn't, the fact he was when we were first dating still bothers me. Also he might still be in denial. I know he told the other girl he was dating that he was over his ex and then he ended up dumping her to get back together with her. I don't know what to do, or to make this insecurity go away, or if it's justified or not. Sorry for the length of this, I tend to be long-winded!
exotic_virgin Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 If I was you I would brake up with him… Because the guy has not even had some decency to make you feel as special as her…. It is him who has made u insecure… I know full well that u are going to do nothing about this… But if I were u… I would run… cause someone out there will make u feel like a diamond… Unless u feel u deserve more… He sounds like a very weak person… And more obsessed than in love…
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