Must I play games to know how he feels?

[lexilas]

I've been in a relationship for 1.5 years, the last 2.5 mnths have been LD. I'm in love with this man but I don't feel comfortable telling him because even after all this time I don't know how he feels about me. He has never given me a clue - the most I gotten out of him was that he missed me whenever he would go out of town.

 

He calls me pretty often on the phone and we will talk for hours about world news, politics, tv shows, his family, my family, computers or sometimes he calls me quickly to tell me something he saw on tv or something that happened to him during the day.

 

From past experience with him, I know that he scares easily. About 4 mos into our relationship I dressed in a sexy nightgown and answered the door with it on (we had been intimate many times by then), he got so nervous that he paced the floor like a caged cat. I happened to be in the bedroom watching tv and he would not come into the bedroom to save his life. I finally had to put on a robe and go into the livingroom. Once I covered up, he was fine and acted normal.

 

I mentioned earlier that we are now in a LDR, this is because back in October he decided suddenly that he was going to uproot and move to FL. When I asked why, he told me that he wanted to be closer to his 3 yr old daughter because very often she'd call him on the phone and tell him she wanted to see him. I didn't want to be a nag or make him feel trapped so during the month when he prepared to leave I never asked where I stood in his plans, I figured he would bring it up himself sooner or later (it never happened - I was going crazy) so finally I brought the subject up during the last hour he was here while we were waiting for the bus that would take him to Florida. I told him I was devastated by his sudden decision but I hadn't said anything because I was trying to take it like a woman and that he made me feel as if I never meant anything to him in all the time we'd beentogether. His response was that I could have said that I was going to move with him. I explained to him that it was obvious he never considered me in his initial decision and I would never impose myself on someone under those circumstances. He responded by coming up with what seemed to me to be excuses (ie: If I had asked you wouldn't have said yes; you wouldn't want to move away from your parent, etc.). I recognize the response for what it was and just let the conversation drop.

 

After he left I made up my mind to visit a friend in England (who loves and wants to marry me). I disappeared for 10 days and when I got back I had many message from my bf saying he was worried. I'd moved 2 days before I left for England so he was thinking I was having trouble getting phone, and computer hooked up.

 

He's living in FL now and I hear from him pretty often (every 1-3 days). He's been doing the appropriate thing like calling during the holidays (although he waits to the very last minute 12:45 a.m on New Year's day).

 

Two days ago he called talking about the usual subjects and in the middle of the conversation I asked him if I was going to see him anytime during 2006, he responded "Yes - but don't ask me when I have to check out my traveling schedule". After that he didn't have much to say and neither did I so we got off of the phone - I haven't heard from his since. I suspected this would be his reaction even before I brought up the subject.

 

Since my last conversation with him, it became painfully obvious that the time apart from me (2.5 months) hasn't affected him at all. I've been doing some serious thinking and have pretty much come to the conclusion that I'm going to let this relationship (if you could call it that) die out. I've had no contact with him and don't plan to - I love him a lot and see so much potential but I learned a long time ago that seeing the potential in someone is not enough. You have to deal with what's real because potential is just an illusion.

 

I'm interested in anyone's thoughts/advice on the subject - do you think I'm over reacting?

 

Snoogy

[riobikini]

Lexilas,

 

Oh Dear!

 

I'm not saying this because I am EXPECTED to or HAVE to...I'm saying it because I WANT TO!!!

 

 

HE'S A CLASS 'A' JACKASS!!!!

 

 

Not only is he USING you and STRINGING YOU ALONG, he's ROBBING you of the precious minutes of your life!

 

God help his 3-year old daughter!

 

I certainly hope she never sees how her daddy treats women.

 

And what a liar! -skirting around the questions and giving you such lame answers.

 

He obviously THINKS he's brilliant.

 

You are much better off without him.

 

Now, -do I need to tell you that YOU are NOT OVER-REACTING, too?

 

(Smile)

 

SPECIAL NOTE: Stay in the forum, Lexilas, -you're gonna need it.

 

-Rio

[lexilas]

Rio - thank you for your honest reply. I knew I had a problem but I wasn't quite sure how severe it was and I hadn't even told the whole story.

 

I'm tired of playing the games (ie: disappearing and not responding to his phone calls for several days in hopes of scaring him into professing his feelings for me), but even before I posted to LS I'd decided not to contact or accept contact from him for good. I think he must feel that because I haven't heard from him in 3 days now - why couldn't he have had this "esp type" instincts before it got to this point?

 

I'd decided to bypass the "breakup" talk with him because I feel it would be a waste of time - it wouldn't change anything because he has absolutely no clue that there is a problem. I can tell that in his mind he is the perfect bf and if I chose to talk to him about the way I feel, I'd get that terrible silence on the other end of the phone that makes me feel like an alien who stepped out of a movie.

 

Before he left for FL I would see him 3-4 times a week, but I can count on one hand how many times I saw him on a Friday or Saturday during the 1.5 yrs we were together. He pretty much made it clear by example that Friday and Saturday's were off limits.

 

What's strange to me is that he's really a pretty nice guy unless your the one trying to get next to his heart. Even then he's not outright abusive, he just acts totally clueless about how a relationship should be.

 

We had sex maybe once or twice a week (and when we did - it was great - no problems at all). But frankly, that isn't enough for me and when I asked if he wasn't really attracted to me or if I didn't turn him on - he would say "No that's not it" with no further explanation. I finally got tired of bringing it up because I was beginning to feel like I had an abnormal sex drive or that I was a nymph or something.

 

Recently I've realized that there is nothing wrong with me. That I'm perfectly normal to want affection and intimacy in a relationship. It has finally dawned on me that it's him that has the problem, I mean a REAL emotional problem! It's funny because you wouldn't be able to tell by looking or by having general contact with him.

 

During the course of our relationship I've noticed that whenever he gets nervous or embarrassed about something - he just plays it off as if nothing happened. Even if I bring it up directly - he just changes the subject like I never said anything. To think, I thought this was a cute quality about him but now I realize that it's not very healthy behavior.

 

I'm not a therapist (sometimes I wish I were) - I'm mainly putting my situation out there in hopes that someone might give me some insight as to why this man acts the way he does.

[J dub]

oh my goodness, Lexilas, I feel for you. Clearly this man doesnt have a clue what hes doing to you, and if he did know how tremendously hurtful he is being than hes a MONSTER and you dont need that toxic crap in your life.

 

Based on what you have said, he has something wrong with him. Who knows what, but regardless its so good to hear you say that you recognized the excuses, you were smart enough to allow him plenty of time to ask you first to come with him...you just seem like you have a very firm grasp on this situation and thats a lot to say for someone on LS. Not to say everyone here is stupid but youre simply able to recognize fact from crap. It's lovely and very refreshing.

 

One thing I would suggest is picking up the Men are from Mars/Women from Venus book I'm sure youve heard about (if you havent already read it). I think it'll lend a helping hand in at least understanding and relating your situation to something that does happen, and that you DO and CAN find better. Its easy to lose sight of the abundance of the huge population out there, esp in a break up scenario...I realize.

 

I definitely think NC will allow you to move on quite quickly from this man. The only reason youre having a hard tme is because he was calling you frequently which is enough to keep part of your heart on hold for someone in hopes of a change or whatever. Obviously you dont want to be playing games to get him to voice his feelings for you, so the best choice here is to simply cut him off altogether. Seeing as he moved and is far away anyway, at least you dont run risk of bumping in to him around town or anything, making things harder on you. Thats good!

 

I wish you all the best, and I think youre doing fabulous already so I KNOW you'll have no problems healing and being happy w/o this moron. Take care

[helena abadi]

if his friday and saturday nites are off limits, then i wonder if he's with someone else on those normal dating nites. also, it sound as tho he's emotionally distant, evasive and stringing you along. sorry to say, but i think you are wasting your time. cut him dead, and wait a while. use the time to focus on other things, not waiting by your phone for him to call.