Ghosted After 2 Years

[Leihla_B]

1 minute ago, RetroR said:

A part of me is waiting for a text from him with some excuse but the other part of me knows this isn't healthy and likely won't happen and I need to move on for my own sanity.  I so appreciate your positive and helpful words.

I hear, yet you can skip all this speculation and just block him now.

I understand your focus is in a loop, but you've had 2 YEARS of that, and it's not helpful. He has been a non-entity in your life, but you're the one giving this 'object' valuable real estate in your brain.

You're not grieving 'him' at all, you're grieving your illusions. That's natural, but staying in a habitual loop focused there is self-sabotage and the opposite of healing. Consider doing something constructive today, like researching ways to venture out of solitude. Do you have any family or friends?

[RetroR]

3 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

I hear, yet you can skip all this speculation and just block him now.

My friend keeps telling me to just block him.  IDK if I'm ready for that yet.. but I'll get there.  Blocking him doesn't really seem like it'll do anything for me anyway.  I can almost guarantee he's not coming back around.

3 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

I understand your focus is in a loop, but you've had 2 YEARS of that, and it's not helpful. He has been a non-entity in your life, but you're the one giving this 'object' valuable real estate in your brain.

You're not grieving 'him' at all, you're grieving your illusions. That's natural, but staying in a habitual loop focused there is self-sabotage and the opposite of healing. Consider doing something constructive today, like researching ways to venture out of solitude. Do you have any family or friends?

I agree.  I had it in my head how I thought he could and would be and he always told me that he'd have more free time soon... which is the same crap he told me a year ago when I ended communication with him.  Nothing changed.  I know I need to put my focus elsewhere... oddly, he was a bright spot in my day when I'd hear from him.  I don't have a huge social circle, I work from home and am thankful for the friends and family I do have, but also feel like they don't get it and get annoyed when I tell them how I'm feeling because they told me long ago to drop this guy.

[Georgia46]

I understand.  You get used to someone.  
 

give yourself time away from this situation and you will soon have the clarity that you can do so much better than that.

 

to me it sounds also like he is attached or married something like that. 
 

while you would like a text from him how would it help? You would end up stuck for another 2 years or longer. 
 

This is so hard to do but it’s one of my favourite quotes - *when someone shows you who they are believe them*

take care & believe me time heals … not all but most wounds.  
 

[RetroR]

3 minutes ago, Georgia46 said:

I understand.  You get used to someone.  
 

give yourself time away from this situation and you will soon have the clarity that you can do so much better than that.

 

to me it sounds also like he is attached or married something like that. 
 

while you would like a text from him how would it help? You would end up stuck for another 2 years or longer. 
 

This is so hard to do but it’s one of my favourite quotes - *when someone shows you who they are believe them*

take care & believe me time heals … not all but most wounds.  
 

I appreciate your kindness, whole heartedly.  I know the more I dwell on it, the harder it is to get past it.  You're so right... after all that time, you get use to someone, or the idea of someone.  A text from him made my day happier...even though it was scraps, but I guess that's my problem to some extent.  

I have thought of that Maya Angelou quote with all this going on, and it is true!  I think all I want is to hear that he's done, even though his actions are showing it, because of the time frame and all the times he said he wouldn't do what he is doing now.  A part of me wonders if something happened to him.  I definitely don't wait to waste any more time with this dead end of a guy, but it just feels like the decent thing to do.  

[Georgia46]

I know how you are feeling I don’t really want to go into details on a public forum, but I have experience in something similar to what you have had happen to you. 
 

so that’s how I can tell you you will come out the other side! 
 

they won’t tell you that they are done because they want to keep you hanging like an option!

I love Maya Angelou quotes!!

are you an empathetic person? 

[RetroR]

4 minutes ago, Georgia46 said:

I know how you are feeling I don’t really want to go into details on a public forum, but I have experience in something similar to what you have had happen to you. 
 

so that’s how I can tell you you will come out the other side! 
 

they won’t tell you that they are done because they want to keep you hanging like an option!

I love Maya Angelou quotes!!

are you an empathetic person? 

I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone, and I am so sorry you went through this too.   Thank you for the positive encouragement that this will all get easier.  I've been ghosted before and felt like this for a few days and now I look back at it like what the hell was I thinking?  So I know this will pass, but when you're in the thick of it, it does suck.  

I am a very empathetic person, to a fault. lol  Did your ghoster ever come back and if so, how did you handle it?

[Georgia46]

He wasn’t a complete ghost as such when it ended - although he would vanish and reappear throughout.
He did end things by telling me but not after he made out that it was all going to be something it was not for a long old time. Only the week before he said he never wanted me to go.    
He also made me think we were friends when we really weren’t, I literally never heard from him again he never even so much as said hello. 

I should not have been in this situation as we were both with other people ( dreadful I know) but still he was so cold and horrible it took me AGES to stop crying.    
 

He wouldn’t come back but if he did I would literally not answer. I think it’s for the best for my mental health if we never have contact ever again 

Edited September 25, 2024 by Georgia46

[RetroR]

5 minutes ago, Georgia46 said:

He wasn’t a complete ghost as such when it ended - although he would vanish and reappear throughout.
He did end things by telling me but not after he made out that it was all going to be something it was not for a long old time. Only the week before he said he never wanted me to go.    
He also made me think we were friends when we really weren’t, I literally never heard from him again he never even so much as said hello. 

I should not have been in this situation as we were both with other people ( dreadful I know) but still he was so cold and horrible it took me AGES to stop crying.    
 

He wouldn’t come back but if he did I would literally not answer. I think it’s for the best for my mental health if we never have contact ever again 

I am so sorry you went through this as well.  That's kind of how this guy is... would come and go and be gone for periods of time and then reemerge as if nothing was going on.  I'd ask him and he'd always have some reason.  It got to be almost humorous but I didn't expect the ghost behavior, that much I can say.  

I'm not sure what people like this motive is, but it's pretty sad they treat others as disposable and like our feelings don't matter.  I think it is for the best if you leave that door shut if your ghost comes back.  The cycle of this can really take its toll!

[Georgia46]

That’s what I felt like garbage. 


but I probably deserved it as I shouldn’t have been in the situation anyway. 

I honestly believe he is a narcissist and they don’t have empathy for anyone and they don’t see anything wrong with how they treat people.  Ugh. He honestly makes me sick. 
 

 

[RetroR]

Regardless if you should or shouldn't have been in that situation, I feel like it's basic human decency to have the balls to properly end communication, rather than take the chicken s*** approach and just vanish in to thin air.  I think you're better off without all that, that's for sure!

[Georgia46]

I know!!!  
 

at least you know now though that he is gutless and what good is a gutless man by your side hey?? 
 

do you go on TikTok or X = when I was mega upset about all this I used to love watching Halima on this subject ( she’s on X) and also watching a lady called Sarah L ( on TikTok) … not sure if that sort of thing would help you …. But just saying!! 😎😎😎

[RetroR]

Exactly.  There's also a quote that says, "One day I hope to meet a man that has bigger balls than I do" LOL  I'm still searching 😁

I'll have to look up Halima and Sarah L on TikTok.  I will take any kind of help I can get at the moment.  Thank you

[Georgia46]

Definitely watch her!!! Let me know what you think!!! She’s American too love the accent 😎😎

[RetroR]

I will for sure  I'm also American... funny how I don't think we have an accent but to others, I know we do lol

 

[Georgia46]

Ahhh your accent is lovely. I’m from wales so you probably wouldn’t understand mine 😂

[ExpatInItaly]

51 minutes ago, RetroR said:

A text from him made my day happier...even though it was scraps, but I guess that's my problem to some extent.  

It it, without a doubt. 

I get having a crush on someone and feeling happy when you see their name on your phone. But this was extreme, in the sense that he barely did anything concrete (like dates) to warrant you placing so much importance on him. 

I know  man like him. This guy has a woman he's talked to (and randomly gone on dates with) for quite a long time. It's very clear she is crazy about him, but what she doesn't know (or maybe doesn't want to know) is that he's actively dating and having sex with other women. He sees this one who is in love with him when he doesn't have anything else lined up, He keeps her warm by still messaging her, and she's always there when it siuts him. I know this because we have a mutual good friend, and that friend has told him more than once to stop communicating with the first woman. She should know better by now, yes, but he's being a chump by continuing to enjoy her attention and affection when she means very little to him. 

Don't be that first woman anymore, OP. 

[RetroR]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It it, without a doubt. 

I get having a crush on someone and feeling happy when you see their name on your phone. But this was extreme, in the sense that he barely did anything concrete (like dates) to warrant you placing so much importance on him. 

I know  man like him. This guy has a woman he's talked to (and randomly gone on dates with) for quite a long time. It's very clear she is crazy about him, but what she doesn't know (or maybe doesn't want to know) is that he's actively dating and having sex with other women. He sees this one who is in love with him when he doesn't have anything else lined up, He keeps her warm by still messaging her, and she's always there when it siuts him. I know this because we have a mutual good friend, and that friend has told him more than once to stop communicating with the first woman. She should know better by now, yes, but he's being a chump by continuing to enjoy her attention and affection when she means very little to him. 

Don't be that first woman anymore, OP. 

No, you're right.  He barely text me but I'm wallowing in the fact that he never truly disappeared.  Now he's gone and nothing I can say or do is going to change anything, and I'm done trying.  

When you put it like that, I could very well be the first woman, like your friend has.  That poor girl!  Usually my BS detector goes off and this one doesn't seem like the player type, that's what gets me.  I feel like he's a work-o-holic but I'm not sure he has others lined up, and that's just not me being naive.  

I thought and hoped I'd meant more to him and felt like *maybe* I did, even though he kept me at arms length.  Now I'm questioning everything since he dropped me like a bad habit and doesn't care one way or the other.  I keep asking myself WHY did what I say hit him so bad to make him never want to talk to me again?  

[Leihla_B]

3 hours ago, RetroR said:

I know I need to put my focus elsewhere... oddly, he was a bright spot in my day when I'd hear from him. 

That's your own fantasy speaking because it cost him zero to type meaningless words to someone who was so easily influenced by simple text messages.

I don't say this to be cruel, just the opposite. If you are willing to assume the responsibility for falling in love with your own illusions, this will empower you to reduce the importance of those illusions. That's when you can see that expecting 'closure' from such a dude becomes ridiculous. He was a farce to begin with, so attaching the critical importance of our own healing to him suddenly step up to satisfy 'closure,' of all things? That's beyond ridiculous.

The only thing worse than wasting two years of your life, which you can never get back, is wasting two years and another minute.

So consider where lamenting about that gets you.

Quote

...I don't have a huge social circle, I ... am thankful for the friends and family I do have, but also feel like they don't get it and get annoyed when I tell them how I'm feeling because they told me long ago to drop this guy.

Well, they've been watching you act like a drug addict to your own detriment, and they love you enough to not feign their own buy-in to that debacle. But those are your people, and they are on your side, and always have been.

You don't need to discuss this matter with anyone if you don't want to. However, these people are your ticket to broadening your world beyond your own head, and you will find that engaging them on THEIR terms will benefit you beyond what you can imagine in this moment.

Start filling your calendar with visits with your people. Either host them or go help them with a project, a chore, an errand, or whatever. It's natural that you don't feel energized and 'on' at the moment, but this works in your favor. It's exactly the right time to invest in making it about them-not-me. You won't feel up to pasting on a personality for them, which is the perfect state of vulnerability to relax and listen to THEM speak about their lives and their goals. And they will feel heard by you minus whatever mask you are accustomed to presenting to them, and you will feel normalized and appreciated by them in a way that you have never experienced before.

You have a gift right now that will build deeper bonds with your loved ones than you can fathom. Don't over-think it, use it. Get yourself OUT of your reclusive state. Offer your time to others, make commitments you will not break, and move yourself out of your own way.

Head high. You will not only thank yourself sooner rather than later, you will recognize the true nature of these relationships that you have been neglecting in exchange for a solitary fantasy for far too long. You will sleep well in gratitude that you have found these gaps and have repaired them.

[RetroR]

3 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

That's your own fantasy speaking because it cost him zero to type meaningless words to someone who was so easily influenced by simple text messages.

I guess my question is WHY did he keep it going for so long and say things that weren't necessary?  What benefit was he receiving from this?  I will never know and that's where my anxiety lies.  In the unknown.  

3 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

I don't say this to be cruel, just the opposite. If you are willing to assume the responsibility for falling in love with your own illusions, this will empower you to reduce the importance of those illusions. That's when you can see that expecting 'closure' from such a dude becomes ridiculous. He was a farce to begin with, so attaching the critical importance of our own healing to him suddenly step up to satisfy 'closure,' of all things? That's beyond ridiculous.

 

3 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

The only thing worse than wasting two years of your life, which you can never get back, is wasting two years and another minute.

So consider where lamenting about that gets you.

THIS.  This is what I need to remind myself of.  I think of all the times he bailed on me and don't know why I always had a false hope in my head about him.  I'd even date other dudes but always wish it was this guy instead.  The attraction to him was real and I need to figure out WHY.  Or maybe I don't.  He doesn't deserve another thought and I've already put unnecessary importance on him when it wasn't reciprocated.

3 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

Well, they've been watching you act like a drug addict to your own detriment, and they love you enough to not feign their own buy-in to that debacle. But those are your people, and they are on your side, and always have been.

You don't need to discuss this matter with anyone if you don't want to. However, these people are your ticket to broadening your world beyond your own head, and you will find that engaging them on THEIR terms will benefit you beyond what you can imagine in this moment.

Start filling your calendar with visits with your people. Either host them or go help them with a project, a chore, an errand, or whatever. It's natural that you don't feel energized and 'on' at the moment, but this works in your favor. It's exactly the right time to invest in making it about them-not-me. You won't feel up to pasting on a personality for them, which is the perfect state of vulnerability to relax and listen to THEM speak about their lives and their goals. And they will feel heard by you minus whatever mask you are accustomed to presenting to them, and you will feel normalized and appreciated by them in a way that you have never experienced before.

You have a gift right now that will build deeper bonds with your loved ones than you can fathom. Don't over-think it, use it. Get yourself OUT of your reclusive state. Offer your time to others, make commitments you will not break, and move yourself out of your own way.

Head high. You will not only thank yourself sooner rather than later, you will recognize the true nature of these relationships that you have been neglecting in exchange for a solitary fantasy for far too long. You will sleep well in gratitude that you have found these gaps and have repaired them.

And yes.  As much as I don't feel like, I have made plans for Saturday night for dinner with my friend, to get out.  I think and hope it'll do me some good so I can put old "whats-his-face" to rest.  I have also scheduled a therapy session to help me navigate this awful anxiety and how to cope.

[Leihla_B]

14 minutes ago, RetroR said:

I guess my question is WHY did he keep it going for so long and say things that weren't necessary?  What benefit was he receiving from this?  I will never know and that's where my anxiety lies.  In the unknown.  

His 'unknown' isn't your business to figure out. If you had only accepted that from the first time he dissed you, you'd be lightyears ahead by now. But 2 years later, why would you WANT to continue weighing yourself down--to the point of anxiety--by trying to figure out a stranger who is insignificant to your future?

If this was a bum on the street who insulted you 2 years ago, would you still be incapacitated by it today? You can assign any motivation to a stranger's behavior--he's a sociopath, he's a narcissist, he's got multiple issues--whatever. None of that is important to YOUR ability to move on.

This is the sticking point that got you into trouble in the first place, so why hold onto it?

If he had rejected you at the outset, your ego would be a little bruised, but you'd have figured out how to move forward by now. However, his actions have always rejected you even while a simple text or two would suffice to keep you hooked and focused like a cult follower. That's the problem. That's YOUR problem.

You were unwilling to address this for 2 years, but how much harm do you wish to keep causing yourself with it today?

Quote

And yes.  As much as I don't feel like, I have made plans for Saturday night for dinner with my friend, to get out.

Good work. You won't know the advantages of this until later, but meanwhile, book more time with family and other friends that you will not break. This is crucial to your healing.

Time with your people in any setting or capacity will help to 'normalize' you into recognizing your value outside the context of your fantasy life.

Everything that hangs you up about this stranger who's been your object of focus only serves as a barrier between you and the reality of the life you could otherwise be building on your own behalf and that of your child.

Explore THAT, and nix the head games you're playing on your Self.

You can't fathom what your future can offer you right now, but keep the faith and fly on instruments. Serve others with love. You will get it back, and you will ascend to a higher ground that will afford you the perspective you need to see the pearls in this experience that you can take and use from it.

Head high.

[RetroR]

28 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

His 'unknown' isn't your business to figure out. If you had only accepted that from the first time he dissed you, you'd be lightyears ahead by now. But 2 years later, why would you WANT to continue weighing yourself down--to the point of anxiety--by trying to figure out a stranger who is insignificant to your future?

If this was a bum on the street who insulted you 2 years ago, would you still be incapacitated by it today? You can assign any motivation to a stranger's behavior--he's a sociopath, he's a narcissist, he's got multiple issues--whatever. None of that is important to YOUR ability to move on.

This is the sticking point that got you into trouble in the first place, so why hold onto it?

If he had rejected you at the outset, your ego would be a little bruised, but you'd have figured out how to move forward by now. However, his actions have always rejected you even while a simple text or two would suffice to keep you hooked and focused like a cult follower. That's the problem. That's YOUR problem.

You were unwilling to address this for 2 years, but how much harm do you wish to keep causing yourself with it today?

Good work. You won't know the advantages of this until later, but meanwhile, book more time with family and other friends that you will not break. This is crucial to your healing.

Time with your people in any setting or capacity will help to 'normalize' you into recognizing your value outside the context of your fantasy life.

Everything that hangs you up about this stranger who's been your object of focus only serves as a barrier between you and the reality of the life you could otherwise be building on your own behalf and that of your child.

Explore THAT, and nix the head games you're playing on your Self.

You can't fathom what your future can offer you right now, but keep the faith and fly on instruments. Serve others with love. You will get it back, and you will ascend to a higher ground that will afford you the perspective you need to see the pearls in this experience that you can take and use from it.

Head high.

I surely wish I had cut ties two years ago, after being flaked on and put on the back burner by him.  He made me feel like it was all sincere, and I chalked it up to him just being a crappy texter.  I keep thinking back to how he told me he "doesn't know how to be mean" and all this other verbal diarrhea along with it.  Everything that contradicts this behavior. I realize this is water under the bridge now, and as the days go on, the burn will lessen.

[Leihla_B]

9 minutes ago, RetroR said:

I keep thinking back to how he told me he "doesn't know how to be mean" and all this other verbal diarrhea along with it.  Everything that contradicts this behavior. I realize this is water under the bridge now, and as the days go on, the burn will lessen.

Not if you all you do is keep this 'stuff ' alive. You've said nothing about your child or children or family or friends or any of your intentions beyond this one single-minded focus.

Consider going there. It's time.

[RetroR]

12 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

Not if you all you do is keep this 'stuff ' alive. You've said nothing about your child or children or family or friends or any of your intentions beyond this one single-minded focus.

Consider going there. It's time.

Yes.  I have a pretty good life and I'm letting this tool control it when I guarantee he isn't thinking twice about me.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, RetroR said:

When you put it like that, I could very well be the first woman, like your friend has.  That poor girl! 

Well, sort of. 

The woman in question is over 50. Not a girl by any stretch, but a mature woman with life experience under her belt. She should indeed know better than to hang around for a man who offers only scraps. He has his role in this, absolutely. But it's on her (and you) for not demanding better and dropping someone who is barely interested. 

10 hours ago, RetroR said:

I feel like he's a work-o-holic but I'm not sure he has others lined up, and that's just not me being naive.  

It's not a very realistic assumption, either. He has had a grand total of 5 dates with you in two years.  I would bet the farm that he has gone out with and had sex with other women in that time.  He doesn't have to have women "lined up" to have explored other options. I think that in fact you should operate under the assumption that you are not the only woman in his orbit. That will help you let go. Never make someone a priority when to them you're only an option. 

7 hours ago, RetroR said:

WHY did he keep it going for so long and say things that weren't necessary? 

To keep you on the back-burner and fluff up his ego. 

Edited September 26, 2024 by ExpatInItaly

[introverted1]

20 hours ago, RetroR said:

Blocking him doesn't really seem like it'll do anything for me anyway.

1.  It puts you in control of the situation, which is something you need to do.

2. It lets you start the healing process - also something you need to do -- by eliminating the need to keep checking your phone, hoping against hope, that he has reached out.