Outcast Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Pada, what about the tanning issue? Did you tell him about the skin cancer and that tanning beds are known to be dangerous (if you want a bunch of links, I'll give them to you)? Have you gone against his wishes? Remember how upset he got at you 'challenging' him? This is the warning sign and what you have to watch out for. Of course he's loving and everything - AS LONG AS YOU AGREE WITH HIM. But what happens when you don't? Last time he got upset and confrontational over something very minor. THIS is where you need to pay attention as you get to know him further. And remember, talk is cheap. The worst men can say the best things. It's how he behaves that counts. And I don't mean giving you stuff. I mean can he allow you to have your own opinions, question his, - hell, ask questions of him in general.
newbby Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 You need to not take any more of his gifts..Tell him that you are not comfortable taking them.. If he refuses to stop then you have your answer.. that it isn't love.. perhaps you could try this pada, it sounds like a good idea.
SmoochieFace Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Yes but it is also nice to have a partner that can give me that too as well as accept it from me. All right, let's try this. Do you NEED to be with a man in order to feel loved, cared, accepted, etc.?
Author basscatcher Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 Ugh I posted and it didn't post. Geesh.. I'll comment on some of the comments then Ill repost what I tried to post before and it didn't post. My puter is acting up again. Damn thing... Outcast--Yes we did speak of the tanning bed issue. He also had skin cancer on his right temple (face) he has his surgically removed.. He goes to the tanning bed for short periods of time. He said his allergies don't bother him anymore, he doesn't feel cold as much as he use too, he doesn't get depressed like he use to (S.A.D.), he isn't as physically as sensitive as he use to be. My girlfriend said she was also the same way. She uses a face tanner bed. (bulbs for face tanning.) she said it helps her with acne, allergies, S.A.D, and she doesn't get as cold either. I am always cold, I suffer from, S.A.D, I get breakouts and it drives me crazy. My mother had to use a tanning bed by order of her dr. to help with a skin rash that was bacterial. I know the risks. I have not gone.. I have thought about it for years because there are benefits but there are also a negative side to it. Newbby- I was trying to post the gifts I have recieved from him and my submit failed on me. I will elaborate after my next response. Some of my gfs say the gifts he's given me are that great in $ and amount. but to me its a lot because I'm use to only recieving on my birthday, xmas and valentines day. I'm not use to just whatever, little thinking of you types of gifts. SmoochieFace - No I don't need to be with a man to feel loved, needed, wanted, validated, etc etc etc. but it is nice to have someone that can do those things. I have been without a man many times.. I can survive on my own. I don't need to be taken care of or given too. I have survivied wearing my own pants and also RAISING A CHILD ON MY OWN WITH LITTLE TO NO HELP..... I have been told that I need to learn to let people do things for me.. I don't typically ask for help.. I have my pride and it does get in my way sometimes... with that here is the list of gifts he has given me: for my birthday from Kohls--I was with him: all from sales racks: 4 pairs of jeans 1 pink wide necked angora sweater 1 red ribbed collared shirt 1 cream cordroy jacket 1 small bottle of Este Lauder Beautiful All this came to under $200 (I was with him.....) then on a few occassions when he was shopping with his children they picked up: 1 Black leather and chain belt ($35) 1 black swede hat ($15 on sale) 1 pair of gold hoop earings ($12 on sale) Than with me recently 1 West Coast Choppers zipper/hooded sweatshirt ($10 on sale) 1 pink hat ($15 on sale) This is everything he has purchased for me as gifts.. He pays for all food and beverages when we go out. He won't let me--I sneek off with my gfs to do baily's/butterscotch shots and I get to pay for them myself if he doesn't know about them. {''snickers'' to self} I am not an expensive date. I don't eat much nor drink much so $30 will do me for the night...
Author basscatcher Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 We have been seeing each other for 3 months. (2-4 times in a 7 day period.) He calls every day usually just before bedtime to ask how my day went to share his and to say good night. My gfs say Im over reacting. He got defensive when I accused him of being an alcoholic because he drinks 2 to 4 beers a day. I was questioning him about tatoos and what they do for him mentally, emotionally, phsically that he likes.. I wanted a indepth answer not a shallow answer.. I wanted him to dig deep inside himself for the reason why he wants them.. He wants to put a spider web in the skin area of his hand between his thumb and his pointer finger and I told him I don't like the idea of tatoos on the hands.. He felt like I didn't like him or accept him for him. He was concerned I was going to change him.....
Lishy Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 It begs the question Pad ...... If he is so perfect, and things are so great and he is 'the one' ...... Why are you here defending him? Why post at a place that is used mainly for problems which you need help with?
Outcast Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 He felt like I didn't like him or accept him for him. He was concerned I was going to change him..... Again, that's shorthand for 'in order to love me you must accept all of my decisions without question' - the hallmark of a controller.
SmoochieFace Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 It begs the question Pad ...... If he is so perfect, and things are so great and he is 'the one' ...... Why are you here defending him? Why post at a place that is used mainly for problems which you need help with? Because she probably knows on a deep level that he isn't *perfect*... and she's hoping that it really isn't true.
Author basscatcher Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 Why post at a place that is used mainly for problems which you need help with? I wanted feedback and some opinions on how to accept actions over words. I have always been showered with words by men but rarely actions except sexual harrassment. I wanted others opinions not orders of what to do. If you look at some of the comments some people seem to be ordering me what I should do and not giving their opinions of what they think might be going on. I make the ultimate decision as to whether or not I want to continue with him or not. Each of us has a set of experiences and if we learn from them we can share them with others as insight for possible outcomes in our and others situations that come about. I have taken some of the suggestions to heart and I have learned of some things to watch for that I wasn't keeping in my head before this thread. There is a method to my madness..
Lil Honey Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 I apologize. I have only read the first three posts and nothing in between, so I may repeat someone else. I'll try to read the rest tomorrow. Anyway, this is what struck me about your original post. So what if no words are being said and all you see is the man performing actions? I mean, he is always buying me stuff!! He calls me every day (yesterday he called me 3 times. ). We were on the phone till 1:30am and he is pushing me to go shopping with him this weekend (for me!) He is just nuts about buying me stuff. This man . . . wants to constantly shower me with material gifts. I have made sublte comments to him if he wants to spend money on me then to help me with my basic living expenses. I Know Mr. L is interested in me cause he comes to see me almost everyday (we live 20 minutes apart across the metro), he calls me every day without missing a day, he is constantly buying me material gifts but he NEVER tells me how he feels about me. When we are out he rarely looks at me . . . he wont look me in the eyes much . . . He rarely touches me in public unless he has about a 6 pack of beer in him. He doesn't reach out to hug me, hold me and rarely kisses me unless he is 2-sheets in the wind! he can't feel free to reach out and touch me. My God he touches me when we are behind closed doors and getting freaky. Then he is all over me.. I have never been involved with a man who isn't affectionate or touchy feely and it's kinda making me feel like I'm not attractive enough for him. pushed me into a nail salon and ordered me to get my nails done with a french manicure. He is trying to talk me into designing my own design and having it tatoo'd on my low back. He wants to buy me a 'bar ring' so I can wear it when we or I go out. I have expressed this to him yet he still wants to primarily shower me with gifts and spend time with me but still with limited touch and affection.. I don't know what a "bar-ring" is. I will assume that it's a fake wedding band . . . which supports what I'm going to say. (Keep in mind that I don't know this guy from Adam. Keep in mind that I am generally pessimistic.) I think he buys you things for two possible reasons. One, to get you to feel that the way you dress - your choices - aren't "good enough." Something you said yourself. Two, to get you to feel indebted to him - guilty if you ever thought to leave him. I think that he might phone you so often to keep track of you. You've only been seeing him three months and he's calling you three times a day. I think he wants to control you. Take a look at the words I put in bold. They are YOUR words describing him and his behavior. Why do you think that many of them are negative sounding?
Author basscatcher Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 Because she probably knows on a deep level that he isn't *perfect*... and she's hoping that it really isn't true. No one is perfect... I don't see him as perfect... he has his flaws. I am not looking for a perfect flawless person.. A person like that would be so boring.. I am not perfect. I am very far from it.. I don't even think I am average with women. I may not have extra weight on me but I do have plenty of flaws I have a complex with.. Some men have had issues with them also.. I am semi-controlling. I know I have this character flaw. I have endured so much shyt in my life that I tend to try to dictate and control things in my life and sometimes peoples actions, beliefs, wants and needs.. I work on this daily.. I don't want to be a controller.. I want a 50/50 relationsihp. I believe in compromise and solutions as well as acceptance and I want to live them.. I would not expect any less from a man then what I expect from him which is simple and not demanding.. If I have good hygeine then I expect him too. If I expect to share openly about my feelings then I expect him to also. things like this...
cygny Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 I wanted feedback and some opinions on how to accept actions over words. I have always been showered with words by men but rarely actions except sexual harrassment. I wanted others opinions not orders of what to do. If you look at some of the comments some people seem to be ordering me what I should do and not giving their opinions of what they think might be going on. I make the ultimate decision as to whether or not I want to continue with him or not. Each of us has a set of experiences and if we learn from them we can share them with others as insight for possible outcomes in our and others situations that come about. I have taken some of the suggestions to heart and I have learned of some things to watch for that I wasn't keeping in my head before this thread. There is a method to my madness.. here's my opinion then, and that is all it is. this guy first of all uses money in place of feelings and communication. and also it is used to distract from those areas of life that may be more of a challenge, the intangibles. that appears to be his makeup and his modus operandi. secondly he seems to be both buying you and fashioning you into the woman he really wants. he's not interested in you for you, the way you are, but in his version of an improved you. all of this may be unconscious on his part. it is not about accepting actions over words, IMO. it is about requiring some substance beyond the distraction of material things. OTOH you could just chuck the intangibles and enjoy being a goldigger for awhile.
Author basscatcher Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 Yeah, what is a bar ring? All my gfs have one. lol Its a ring that looks like a engagment/wedding ring. A woman uses it when she gets some smooze hitting on her and she can't get rid of him. Sometimes they work sometimes not. It depends on how much of a scum the guy is. They have come in handy. I've borrowed one before. I got hit on bad Saturday night. It was gross.. Men can be dogs. They don't understand the meaning of the word 'NO", "BACK-OFF', 'NOT INTERESTED', 'I HAVE A BF.' etc etc.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Hmmmm, I see. I don't get out to bars alot- but I guess I can see where that might come in handy. He's usually there with you though right? I just can't imagine a guy wanting to buy me a ring solely to wear in a bar to keep other guys away from me. Instead, why doesn't he just buy you a real ring later on when he's ready to make a committment?
alphamale Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 It was gross.. Men can be dogs. They don't understand the meaning of the word 'NO", "BACK-OFF', 'NOT INTERESTED', 'I HAVE A BF.' etc etc. then you are hanging out at the wrong places and with the wrong men. men who have some self-worth and something to offer rarely keep on pestering women if they are not interested. as a matter of fact, the type of men worth having ususally have women pestering them.
cygny Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 then you are hanging out at the wrong places and with the wrong men. men who have some self-worth and something to offer rarely keep on pestering women if they are not interested. as a matter of fact, the type of men worth having ususally have women pestering them. hey alphamale, i understand you are quite the player. i'd really appreciate it if you could take a look at the thread i started and give me your take on my experience.
Author basscatcher Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 Mz. Pixie - yes he is always with me when I go to the clubs/bars on the weekends. but we are not always together. I go off with my gfs sometimes and we get hit on as soon as we leave the table and there is no man with us. NO offense to anyone but its usually foreign men and black men that don't understand the meaning of NO. alphamale It don't really matter where you hang out in the twin cities you get scum everywhere. Some places worse then others.. This I know. When downtown you are going to get it worse. Most of Charlies friends are female.. He is always getting attention from women. The waitresses flirt with him all the time and a few bombard him about me.. I never see him approaching other women.. He always sits at the table when we venture off. He watches everyones purses, drinks, smokes, etc..
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 I actually used the "bar ring" a couple of times before I got married, and once when I was single again. The problem is … it's doesn't work. The 'good guys' with integrity will respect the fact that you're taken and avoid making the play. But the REAL assclowns will hit on you, anyway. A maternity dress and pillow might work better. Especially when you belly up to the bar and order a drink! Hey Pada, just curious … Have you ever seen Mr. L (yet) when he wasn't drinking?
Author basscatcher Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 Hey Pada, just curious … Have you ever seen Mr. L (yet) when he wasn't drinking? Yes!! He didn't drink with me for 2 weeks. We had a discussion that beer is loaded with carbs and that it bloats you. I told him if he didn't drink any beer for a week or two he would notice the difference so he claimed he didn't drink any beer during those two weeks. He did seem to lose a little. He and I have also went out to the club and he drank ice water all night. He and I will take turns on driving so one of us will only have one or two then stop and the other gets to let loose.. typically he drives when we go out. all it takes is 3 drinks and one shot and im loopy.... So yes, I have been out with him and he hasnt drank. He has done this a few times. and it was before I confronted him about drinking 2-4 drinks a day. I rarely see him drunk.. rarely. I bet 4 times since we've met I've seen him intoxicated.. once where his speach and abilitiy to walk straight was a little affected.
Outcast Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Doesn't matter. People can be alcoholics without drinking all the time. And he can still go home and drink once he's dropped you off.
Mary3 Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Just so you know Pada I have some good and not so good things to say On the first comment about him drinking and never observing him drunk ( you may have said a few times seeing him that way ) The Point : He can drink 50 beers if he has built a tolerance . Meaning you could drink 5 Jack and Cokes and be wasted and he could drink 5 Jack and Cokes and have little effect . SO the amount he drinks is not the issue . Its the functioning alcoholic thing going on. That means he can hold a job and drink and make both work. Now its not been established whether he is ONE or not . If you want to tell me his true drinking habits then I can help you more... The positive thing I have to say is : He may just be a very generous person. We do not know yet if this is the case or if he has an ulterior motive. I can give a few examples. I once had a bf who was the most generous person . Not to the degree as yours but my bf was just sooo generous and hednt even know it. There was not motive other than he tried to help me out of kindness maybe yours simply gets a high , a joy , at clothing the Poor Farm Girl ( that sounds kinda mean , I hope you don't take it mean ) I am saying that maybe he gets off giving you the things you need. He can do it because he is financially able. But I know of another situation where this friend of mine is married to a small Asian soft spoken man ( who I could never be attracted to as I prefer bigger guys ) but he constantly buys her things. I mean 3 ( yes 3 ) expensive purses at xmas time ( Each was $ 500 each, I saw the receipt ). She totally takes in all the gifts but I cant help but wonder if he was a small Asian dish washer making $ 6 an hour if she would be as interested ? Anyway , I notice ALOT of posters are saying your bf sounds like the control comes through money but not giving you one red cent to help pay your bills but rather buying you sweaters and things you can't eat.... It could be that he thinks as long as the gravy train is running you will hang around. Stop the train of gifts and see how he reacts. Whats the worse that can happen ? We are all wrong ? And if so , you can get back on the gift train
Author basscatcher Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 So If I drink a lemoen coke Tues evening then I have 2 on Thurs evening and then I drink 5 on Friday night with a shot of Baileys/Butterscotch and then have 3 on Sat night with a Baileys/Butterscotch on a weekly basis does this make me a alcoholic?? (This has been the way I have lived for the past 3 months and before that I use to drink ab out 5 drinks every Fri and Sat evening with 1-2 shots with my gfs. I could be called a weekend alcoholic but I believe I am not because I don't have to drink and I don't crave it. I just go out to have a good time and losen up. I don't use alcohol to push away my thoughts and feelings. I love to talk and share so hiding and killing my pain isn't my thing. As for Charlie, to my knowledge; he likes to have 1-2 beers in the evenings to relax. Most people I know do this.. It is a very common thing for men where I come from. Charlie doesn't drink to my knowledge during the day!! Only in the evenings while winding down from the day.. On the weekends he will have a few more then he does on the weekdays. If I am drinking more then 2 when we are out with my friends then he drinks water (his choice!!) I know the way he drinks can be called a form of alcoholism but it isn't as destructive as other forms. I think it depends on who you talk to. I called him a functional alcoholic to his face and he felt insulted by my statement. He had never had anyone ever say anything like that to him before. It was out in left field for him. As for the gifts I put up the list of things he has bought for me. My gfs say that isnt much and its mostly stuff on sale (not full price). Yes, he likes to dress me up--I frequently ask people what I should wear! I ask my 16 yr old son his opnion what I should wear almost all the time. (shirts, jeans, skirts, shoes, jewelry) I like others opinions because I have always been told that I am a nerd. My mother use to tell me I dressed like a Gypsy or a prostitute, Xbfs told me I dressed to country girl in baggy jeans and lose baggy shirts and sweatshirts. (I dressed lazy). *I dressed for comfort.... Who wouldn't love to lounge around in a pair of sweatpants a big old worn soft tshirt and a baggy sweatshirt with cushy socks and a pair of comfortable broken in tennis shoes.. I typically wore 505 Levi's Classic. They are a little lose fit and get baggy as the fabric stretchs out from wear. Most of my clothes I also purchase from used clothing stores (Savers, Salvation Army, Arc, etc.) The more we discuss this issue the more I am looking at things and different ideas and views are popping in my head. It's easier to disect my concerns by beating them out and having others suggest things. I am able to weigh things out more.
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 I'm not going to try and talk you out of this 'cause I think you're a big girl. And just because the way you describe Charlie is eerily similar to a few people I have experienced, doesn't mean it will necessarily turn out the same way. Only time will tell. And if it does, at least no one else stands to be hurt in the crossfire. Fortunately, there are no spouses or children involved. I will be up front with you, though … The "Gold Digger" comment made about Charlie's ex-wife did cause me to pause. I don't know whether that was your comment or his. (???) What I gather is that Charlie feels he has been taken advantage of in the past. But if you're gonna market yourself as "Santa" … and buy women's love and affection by lavishing them with gifts, then you can't cry "foul" later on when they accept your generosity. I just hope that by accepting his gifts, you're not setting yourself up to wear the "Gold Digger" label later on if you decide the rest of what he's got to offer isn't enough for you. You know?
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