Author basscatcher Posted January 5, 2006 Author Posted January 5, 2006 Probably not a good idea to choose user names that give away the person's identity... let's just say that Google has a way of helping people find other people... even revealing phone numbers and addresses. This I know. I am not listed to be found. I cannot be found unless you want to pay a good amount of $ to find me. When I moved here I went MIA to most people. I had a xbf stalking me and trying to cause defamation of character.
Author basscatcher Posted January 5, 2006 Author Posted January 5, 2006 I'm not trying to be anyones savior. I just like to help people when they need a friend and help. I know that when I feel drained I have given to much. He drinks this I see for myself but I also see more possitive then negative at this time. So one day at a time with eyes open and my mind taking inventory is what I am doing right now. If he works out then it works if it dont then it dont. I am adjusting and learning. I am not used to gifts except from my mother. I have rarely been given gifts by a man. VERY RARELY. I can probably count on my hands how many times I've received gifts from a bf or even my XH. I am also used to being played with by men. Showered with affection and lots of attention so they can get what they want then dumped or taken advantage of. So this is not normal for me. I often wondered if my image of showing love was a bit distorted because of how I have been "played" by players. Especially this summer.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 He also knows I am not materialistic. He gives me grief because I am always cutting corners when we do something or go out. He tells me to stop worrying about the price of things. He always says "you dont have to worry about all that anymore." Yeah, I get that too. And what you said about his upbringing and his family ring true with me because my husband's parents are the same way. They have been blessed financially and help others. I know of at least three people she helped with Christmas for their families- one lady used to live across the street from the school where she taught and her children are special needs kids- grown now, but still mentally not right. What's setting off bells right now for me is your talk of his alcohol consumption. I'm not saying that he's abusive or mean with his drinking, but you know, he doesn't have to be to be an alcoholic. Also, someone with a drinking problem can still have one even if they only drink beer. Since most of my family have some type of an addiction or another, this is something I wouldn't tolerate. It's too much drama eventually one way or the other. To me, those kind of things indicate a weakness, a wanting to escape from having to deal with issues and problems. I've always been too tough to do that so I can't relate to it and I don't have patience for it. That's something you have to decide for yourself on though, but I would hate for him to turn out not to be what you think he is...... BO- You sound so good and clear headed- I've missed you on the forums!
Author basscatcher Posted January 5, 2006 Author Posted January 5, 2006 That's something you have to decide for yourself on though, but I would hate for him to turn out not to be what you think he is...... Everyone has flaws. Some we accept and tolerate and others we don't. Each person is different. I will play this out and see where it goes. He has such wonderful qualities about him that I am willing to investigate further. I may get hurt but I will always walk away with some gained knowledge and awareness from it. I know this. I am willing to take the risk. I come into LS to vent and get others feedback. I take it all into consideration but it is ultimately my decision what I will chose. Right now I am very happy with him but I have some things I am observing. Mostly, predominatly his drinking, and his want to shower me with gifts. One this I didn't speak up about much in my threads (even previous ones). I have went shopping with him for myself. When he bought me 4 pairs of jeans, a shirt, a sweater and a cord jacket I was with him. It was for my birthday and I made him select what he liked but if I didn't like it I said no and he complied. He told me that he wants me to like what he buys. If I don't like it then he will return it, exchange it, or not purchase it. I doesn't force his likes on me. BO- You sound so good and clear headed- I've missed you on the forums! I use to live with my head in the sand. I didn't want to know the truth. I ran from the truth, I make extensive excuses for others bad behaviours, I use to twist and lie about things so things looked better then they were. I know that doing those things doesn't help a situation get better, it makes them worse. I hide behind a fake front for 11 1/2 years because I was taught that you are to put up with what you chose. You made your bed now you lay in it. Live with it. I know also now, that is not so. I can leave. I don't have to put up with garbage. i don't need to cover up the truth. I have grown a lot through all my trials and errors. I am a person who wants to grow. Sometimes I'm a little slow on the uptake but I will eventually understand and catch what others are telling me or showing me. I was sick for 10 days and didn't get into LS. I also dont have my puter at home. My puter is sick. My gf brought it back with her before xmas to have the Microsoft Techs look at it. The machine is ready to crash. They cleaned my hard drive up and the software is like new but the machine itself is old and ready to die. So I need to get bills caught up at income tax time, buy a new puter for home. I can't get in LS unless I am at work.. I only post on the threads when I really have something to say and only if I can relate with the topic. I don't just post to post for points..
Mz. Pixie Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Pada, honey, alcoholism isn't a flaw- it's a disease and it wreaks havoc in the lives of the people who love the alcoholic. You know all of this. I'm not saying that he is addicted, and I'm not preaching- I just want you to be very careful.
Author basscatcher Posted January 5, 2006 Author Posted January 5, 2006 This is, verbatim, the voice of the 'rescuer' (a hair's breadth away from the 'codependent'.) Problems can be fixed but he fixes his problems with booze. This is not good. I do not know his full story; I am still learning about him daily. We have only dated 3 months. I want to help people. I know I can't rescue them. I also know I am a borderline co-dependant so I have to be careful with myself. It's about whether you can have a good relationship with someone or a dysfunctional one and relationships with alcoholics are dsyfunctional, period. All I have ever known is dysfunction my whole life. Since my conception it has been dysfunctional. Who of us can say we are normal? What is normal? Who's standards do we go by to rule what is normal? None of us are normal. Normal I thought was to represent something good. Don't we all have dysfunctions? Charlie is so far and surprisingly 3 months later still the sweetest, kindest, most patient man I have met. He seems to be the most stable and balanced out of the men I have dated. So far he is the Gem of the crop. This does not mean I have my guard down. I am still learning about him and getting to know him. And they never learn so they seek 'caretakers' like you who will, they think, help them cope. It is not a good thing to be someone unable to cope with life, Pada. Yes, he deserves sympathy and even love, but as a friend, not a partner. Everyone learns and can learn. NEVER say NEVER when it comes to people changing, healing, and growing. I am a caretaker but I also know my limit to being used. The smarter ones won't show their controlling or abusive sides until you live with them. My aunt went out with her bf for over a year and then married him. What she never knew is that after he took her home, he went home and continued to drink. I have a friend who went out with someone for a year and a half and he was able to hide his alcoholism from her all that time. He, too, could abstain quite easily when she was around but would drink LOTS when she was gone. I have been through this already. I've survived this. Of course! You're his salvation and his rescuer. Mine even quit smoking for me. They can't manage so they CLING to the women they think will 'save' them from their issues. I'm not his salvation. There is nothing I can rescue him from nor is there anything I can give him but my kindness, companionship, and love. And now I think all this business of him making you over in his image and to his tastes is a VERY bad sign when added to the boozing. I have always asked others opinions on what to wear how I should style my hair etc etc. I like to improve myself but It is my decision whether or not I agree with someone recommendation. I posted prevoiusly that he doesn't buy anything I disapprove of. He told me I have to like what he buys or he will return it for something different. He knows I can't afford new clothes or anything for myself. I put my son and my bill first. There is nothing left over for me by then. There never has even when I was married. There was a time when my family had no food in the house. My XH and I went and shoveled retired couples roofs off of snow to get enough money to feed our son. I didn't eat most of the time. I fed my H and my son first. My son is growing and needs the nourishement and my H was the one working and needed his strength. I wasn't and couldn't find employment. I have always sacraficed myself for my loved ones health. Any loving mother would do that for their familys... You'll see. Gradually, he'll exert more control. If you refuse to do his bidding, he'll get annoyed. Refuse to get the tattoo and see how much he'll argue with you to do it. Time will tell if he is controling or not. As for the tatoo, he teases me about it. I did consider one at one time in my life but was afraid of my mothers wrath for marking up my body when the bible is against it. He doesn't argue with me. He doesn't push. He just makes sublte comments about it once in awhile. He told me flat out if I don't feel comfortable getting a tatoo then to not do it. He told me what ever I want not to worry all I need to do is ask. I'm telling you, Pada, that anybody looks like a saint in the first few months. But now the cracks are starting to show. I don't want to burst a bubble but I'm feeling warning vibes from here. Others on this post have stated that too. Time will tell. It's dangerous to view oneself as the grand helper of persons and 'different from the average person'. This image of yourself will lead you to think that you can 'help' everyone. The hard and sad fact of life is that there are people who simply cannot be 'helped' at all and you can - and likely will - wring every last bit of yourself out until you're a dried out husk in your attempt to 'help' them. People like that have to help themselves, Pada. Don't try to fool yourself about this any more. I am not a savior nor can I help everyone. But I can do the little I can when it presents itself. I know each person has to help themselves. No one can make another person do somethng they do not chose to do. We are responsible for our own actions and we cant change others but we can change ourselves. I don't have a high image of myself and I don't think I can save everyone. I am a Administrative Assitant not a councelor, Psychologist or Doctor. I know I don't have the ability to save anyone. I am not God.. and God gave us free will so the individual has to chose for themselves.. I know this. Thank you for your concern. Love, kindness, prayer, friendship, tough-love all help someone who need help. I am not a healer; I am not God. I have seen many people turn their lives around through love, persistence, and prayer. I have family and friends who have endured the trials and are joyfully happy. Seriously. I have faith in people.. I have faith in God. I have to be true to my nature as well. I care about people and I am not afraid to get involved. I fear getting hurt but I don't fear it enough to not take a chance.. I need support too so why can't I support others.
Author basscatcher Posted January 5, 2006 Author Posted January 5, 2006 Pada, honey, alcoholism isn't a flaw- it's a disease and it wreaks havoc in the lives of the people who love the alcoholic. You know all of this. I'm not saying that he is addicted, and I'm not preaching- I just want you to be very careful. I do know. I am being careful also. My eyes are open. If I was blind I wouldn't be here on LS posting about what I am seeing or concerned about. My concerns arent that big but I wanted some feedback. I don't sense a huge issue yet. I have a gf who calls me "Diva" because she said I am always involved in some kind of drama. I know I am addicted to drama but I have backed off from extreme drama. She is a 'Drama Queen" and gets on my nerves sometimes. Who am I to judge another person? I have my own habits, diseases, faults, flaws, and psychological issues. If I want someone to accept me where I am at and want to help me be a better person and build a relationship at the same time then why should I expect someone else to be better then I am in this journey. If I expect someone to accept I am a divorcee, single parent, that I am borderline co-dependant, I have low self esteem, a dysfunctional family that can almost be an embarrassment, I am very poor hardly have a pot to pizz in, I am getting older, I have a facial flaw I am very insecure about, I have endometriosis, insomnia, allergies, fibromyalgia, arthritis, I may not be able to have any more children, I have been in several several several relationships more then I care to admit since I was 15 years old. Who am I to judge or expect more out of when I am not perfect nor am I able to be what others would like me to be.
Outcast Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 what ever I want not to worry all I need to do is ask. Yep. I've heard that line too. The most remarkably difficult men can say the most amazingly splendid things. All I'm saying is pay attention to his actions, not his words. He may say he's ok with you not getting a tattoo but then keep pushing you anyway - 'just joking' about it until he gets more and more serious. Above all, you have to remembert that three months is nothing. Most relationships peak between one and three months when everything is wonderful and we're wonderful and life is wonderful. It's the next nine or so months that are important as that glowy glow starts to wear off and the flaws come creeping out.
Author basscatcher Posted January 5, 2006 Author Posted January 5, 2006 Yep. I've heard that line too. The most remarkably difficult men can say the most amazingly splendid things. All I'm saying is pay attention to his actions, not his words. He may say he's ok with you not getting a tattoo but then keep pushing you anyway - 'just joking' about it until he gets more and more serious. Above all, you have to remembert that three months is nothing. Most relationships peak between one and three months when everything is wonderful and we're wonderful and life is wonderful. It's the next nine or so months that are important as that glowy glow starts to wear off and the flaws come creeping out. I know. There are milestones in relationships that are common. I know the dynamics could change instantly and they also could happen subtly where I don't recognize them until bamn it hits me in the face. Those are the risks of getting involved with someone but I want to and am willing to take those risks. If all else fails I have some new club clothes.. and more knowledge of another type of guy. Thanks for your concern.
newbby Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 i'm sure pada that if you follow your intuition carefully, you will now whether you are on a self destructive path or not. best wishes.
Lishy Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 I have a feeling that you will be seeing a different Mr L in the future - He wants you smarter, more tanned, false nailed and tatooed - That isnt shwoing that he is happy with your appearance now. Please dont take that the wrong way I think you are gorgeous and I do not think any man should try to change your appearance. He wont pay your bills because that would leave you less 'dependent' on him - There is a serious undertone with this man - Do some research of your own and find out about his past relationships but not from him or his friends if you can. Its almost as if he wants to 'save' the poor farm girl!
newbby Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 its true. neither of you are happy with each other as you are. you are hoping your love will cure him, he is changing your appearance... but, go with your gut, whatever it says...
Art_Critic Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 I have a feeling that you will be seeing a different Mr L in the future - He wants you smarter, more tanned, false nailed and tatooed - That isnt shwoing that he is happy with your appearance now. Please dont take that the wrong way I think you are gorgeous and I do not think any man should try to change your appearance. He wont pay your bills because that would leave you less 'dependent' on him - There is a serious undertone with this man - Do some research of your own and find out about his past relationships but not from him or his friends if you can. Its almost as if he wants to 'save' the poor farm girl! I agree with Lishy Pada.. While I don't fully agree with a lot of the posts on him being an Alcoholic I do agree in the quoted text 100 %. I think that if you could read his mind you would find that he isn't happy dating the poor farm girl and wants to make those changes so he is happy about who he is dating.
alphamale Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 I have a feeling that you will be seeing a different Mr L in the future - I already predicted this quite a while back and I warned PADA. I can pull up the posts if you want.
Author basscatcher Posted January 6, 2006 Author Posted January 6, 2006 I have a feeling that you will be seeing a different Mr L in the future - This I am sure just as he will see a different 'Pamela". He wants you smarter, I already am more educated then he is. I am smarter in most things then he is. I have more reality then he does. more tanned, false nailed and tatooed Most men I know like this in women. It is not uncommon for a man to be attracted to a woman who colors her hair, has fake nails, goes to tanning beds, wears fashionable clothing, has feminine tatooes as long as they arent overdone. I may sound like I am making excuses but I have known a lot of men in my life and they all are attracted to these things. That isnt shwoing that he is happy with your appearance now. Truth be told most people who know me would like to make me over. I am very casual in my dress and appearance unless I am going out to a club. I am pretty bland and simple. My mother even tries to do me up. So Charlie wanting to buy me clothes isn't much different then what others say to me. He just goes out and does it cause he can afford it.. As for tanning--I am very very very pale.. I am like a ghost. I use to have a screen name of 'whitie' online because if you tossed me bareazz neked in a snowbank you wouldn't see anything but blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair... I am pasty white. People have alway tried to talk me into going to a tanning bed.. I am scared of them because I already have had skin cancer... AS for fake nails. I have had then for almost a week and they are already so beaten up. I work hard with my hands and my nails take a beating and I can't afford the upkeep. Non of the things he is doing for me or wants to do for me I havent ever thought about wanting in my life. At one time I considered a tatoo. I considered peircing my nose and upper ear. I use to hair purple streaks in my hair in high school and wore lots of bangles, chains, big earings in my 5 holes and put makeup on my face like I was in a heavy metal band (zig-zag lines, stars, dots, glitter, etc etc.) I can't afford a lavish lifestyle for myself so I keep myself simple. This doesn't mean I don't like the things he has suggested to me. He likes who I am as a person.. Most people do when they meet me and get to know me but also most people want to upgrade my image.... Family and best friends included.... He wont pay your bills because that would leave you less 'dependent' on him - Maybe, but he knows I crave his arms around me, his kisses on my lips, and time spent with him more. Those are the things that I crave most in all the relationsihps I've been in. Its almost as if he wants to 'save' the poor farm girl! Men like to feel needed, wanted, and successful. They want validation and respect. Men typically feel successful when they can provide for and take care of the family. It is a wired instinct to work, hunt and bring it home. When the woman accepts and appreciates that he has validation.. He feels successful.. So if the 'poor country-farm girl' lives in rags and he can provide her with new clothes he feels appreciated. I need to learn and accept his kindness. I do have a lot of pride and I need to swallow some of it and get off my rocker..
Author basscatcher Posted January 6, 2006 Author Posted January 6, 2006 Last night after my RCIA meeting I met up with Charlie at 'Chevys'. During our conversation I said something that got him a little irked. I pushed a little button but he was cool about it but I sensed sarcasm coming from him. We were talking about tatoos and he wants to get a spider web on his hand between his thumb and pointer finger. I told him that is gross and that I personally thing that tatoos on the hands and forearms, kneck and face are turn offs for me. I asked him why he feels the need for tatoo's. I wanted him to give me a deep, psychlogical and/or emotional opinion about why he desires to tatoo his body. He couldn't give me a serious in depth answer. I asked him the purpose of it, What he gets out of it. He couldn't answer my question. He didn't know how. I tried to explain to him what I wanted to know. He started to get a little sarcastic and he retorted at me that I was full of criticim and that I was complaining about him. He told me that I wasn't happy with him last night. He started to show his insecurities and sensitivities. I tried to push him a little bit to see how much he could take under pressure. He felt like I was attacking him. When we left and went to sit out in the car while mine warmed up he expressed to me how I was making him feel when we were in 'chevys'. He started speaking very defensively and sarcastically and I started to become upset so I was going to get out of the vehicle and go home. He stopped me and pulled me close to him. He looked down into my eyes and kissed me. He then started to tease me and say we were having our first fight short of exactly 3 months seeing each other. He then turned playful to try to liven me up because I was on a emotional roller coaster by now. He really didn't want me to be out of wack about this situation. He told me its ok for me to feel the way I do about tatoos, etc and I have a right to my own opinions. He told me that I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. He told me that he believes in 50/50 relationships and that he CAN accept my decisions for myself but that I should accept his decisions for himself. He asked me if I would feel any different about him if he got the tatoo? He asked me if it would change who he is? He asked me how it would change him? If he got a spiderweb tatoo on his hand it wouldn't change the way I feel about him but I wouldn't be happy seeing a spider web on his hand everytime I looked at it. Anyway, I found out last night that he doesn't take criticms very well. He said he has never had any woman ask him questions about his reasons for what he likes or wants.. He said I challenge him. I told him I want to know the man deep inside of him. Not the man he choses to share with outsiders. I want to know why he feels, thinks, and does what he does. I want to know his purpose, reasons and I need to understand him.. I don't think I really confronted him that bad last night. I can come on heavy and I havent with him. I have many people tell me that I can be very over whelming because I challenge people to take a deep look at themselves internally. I am a deep person. I am intense about understanding. He is not use to someone like me. I teased him last night and said "Scorpio meet Scorpio!!" "One Female and the other Male..."
Wintersbloom Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 For what it's worth~ I would ASK him to tell you how he feels. If he just keeps pampering you with gifts, treating you like a queen, or whatever, he may feel he doensn't have to commit to you. Peace
Art_Critic Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 Pada.. It isn't up to you to fix this man.. Don't
SmoochieFace Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 Pada.. It isn't up to you to fix this man.. Don't Absolutely... and it seems that she is well on her way down that path. This guy has got issues that are deeper than his alcoholism.
Author basscatcher Posted January 6, 2006 Author Posted January 6, 2006 Pada.. It isn't up to you to fix this man.. Don't I don't want to fix him. I want to know why he thinks what he thinks. I just want to understand.
alphamale Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 I just want to understand. Some things and some people are better left not being understood.
SmoochieFace Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 I want to know why he thinks what he thinks. I just want to understand. And what will you do once you have acquired this understanding? Will you accept that fact that he is who he is or will you try to change (fix) him?
newbby Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 He told me that I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. its this one sentence he keeps repeating that i am unsure of. the rest of what he said sounds fine. this sentence though is strange. it is something that goes without saying and the fact that he is TELLING you that you dont have to do anything you dont want to do is controlling in itself. he is not the person that tells what you do and dont have to do, you are. can you imagine saying that to somebody? pada are you feeling that people are not giving you any credit for being able to do whats best for you, or are you open to maybe not being self aware enough to know?
Author basscatcher Posted January 6, 2006 Author Posted January 6, 2006 Absolutely... and it seems that she is well on her way down that path. This guy has got issues that are deeper than his alcoholism. I have issues also. Dont you have issues too? Are any of us perfect? I believe I told everyone from the beginning that he: comes from a comfortable upbringing his mother was very active in the community with less fortunate people his father worked in the oil industry he has 2 brothers and one sister he and his brothers inherited the house he grew up in, a lake home and a home in Florida as well as property on a different lake. he was married for 13 1/2 years to a woman who use to run up credit cards and have the bills sent to a postal box so he wouldn't know because she has a shopping addiction. he has 4 kids ages ranging from 7 to 15. 3-boys, and 1 girl his divorce took a year to finalize because he wanted custody of his children and 3 psycholigist said he is the stable one and should get them but the judge ruled in her favor because she runs a daycare and losing custody would ruin her source of employement. he lost half his art collection to her ($30,000 value), he lost a beautiful home he finished with his physical labor and everything in it, he lost half his trust fund his parents willed him ($15,000 value), half a saving account, 2 weeks after he left with just a bag of clothes another man moved in and he wasn't able to return like he planned. less then a month after the divorce was finalized she married the other man and already was ready pregnant with this mans baby. he started dating just before the divorce was finalized and he got involved with a cold, distant, strongly independant woman who never showed her emotions or shared her feelings. they dated off and on for 3 years. they rarely had sex, rarely was he allowed to touch her or kiss her unless she wanted it. they rarely went out together and when they did she had to be the focus of all the mens attention in the bar. she dressed extremely provocitive and was a flirt. she caused many fights when they were out. His XW had people taking pictures of him when he was out in public trying to discredit his reputation but it didn't work. He had several Psycholigical evaluations done by different Psychologists (requested by his XW) and he passed all of them. His XW didn't she was found to have some Psychological disorders. then I come along... I am affectionate, a good listener, logical, caring, laid-back, non-materialistic, I have a college education, I believe in being respectful in public and I don't dress like a prostitute when I go out. I don't like being the center of attention in a crowd or at a party. I am not a big money spender and I love children. I am adventurous and spontanious. I am opposite of what he is use to and I am not self absorbed. this is why I am a breath of fresh air to him as he put it. of course he has problems. look at the hell he has been through. I am not going to try fix him and make everything better for him. I cannot do that. He has to chose to move forward, heal and learn from his past. I know he is going through a transition and maybe even what they call a midlife crisis. He is 42 yrs old... LS people only read what I type. You have not spent even one day or one hour with him to see how he acts or speaks. I have a gf who hasn't liked anyone I have ever dated. She has always had a negative vibe about everyone who's come into my life. When she met Charlie she liked him instantly. She said he is very different from what I usually go out with. She has good vobes about him. She has always been right in the 10 years she and I have been the best of friends. Imagin your life being the way his has been....
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