How do I accept actions speaking louder then words?

[Outcast]

.he is a manly man because he does not express his feelings and beause he is not touchy-feeely

 

GAWD, I am SO SICK of this bullcr@p.

[alphamale]

YES, I am attracted to him the way he is...

then just leave him be.

[alphamale]

She isn't trying to change him, she just wants him to once in a while be able to express his feelings for her in words, not just in action. I don't think that is alot to ask for honestly. He can still be a man, cuddle, be affectionate and say I love you!

well look WWIU...we should all spend less time trying to change other's behaviours and more time changing our own behaviours. Accept him the way he is or find someone else. That's the bottom line.

[blind_otter]

I would feel weird if a man I was dating was trying to tell me how to look. Like, hairstyles, even? Personally I would feel like it was controlling, I've been in a series of relationships with abusive/controlling men...

 

Anyways.

 

If you feel uncomfortable with it, he should stop. Bottom line. It's a respect thing. You don't need to have a long, drawn out conversation about it because it's not a complicated issue, as far as you've presented. You've told him what your comfort level is. He should respect that.

[Mz. Pixie]

Pada,

 

Here is my .02. He does in a fact want to make you over. Most of these things are gifts which will enhance your physical appearance. Yet, he was attracted to you in the beginning as you were so I don't think it's a case of being dissatisfied with you as far as appearance but more as being the hero. Many men get satisfaction from being able to provide for their women in that way. They consider it a ego boost.

 

He's obviously been with women who appreciated that fact about him, because he's kept it up. Most likely these women were with him a good bit because of what he did for them like that. He found out they liked it and they gave him positive reinforcement for it so he kept it up!

 

I do believe he has feelings for you but it's a good idea for you to let him know exactly how you prefer that he express those feelings.

 

I think expressing to him in a general way, that you need to find another job to make more money because you're struggling might be a better way to approach the subject.

 

It's not that you want him to give you money, it's just that you feel it's wasteful considering all of your other needs. I mean, if I'm sitting here with a $350.00 pair of boots and I have a $200 electric bill then I want to return the boots to pay the electric bill. That's just my nature.

 

He needs to appreciate that he's gotten a woman who isn't material in any way shape or form and embrace it!

[csfong007]

I think it's very difficult for men and women to change unless they truly want to and are seeking professional help. Even at that, I know for myself, there are things I'd like to change and I've had years of professional help, but, it's still difficult. You can not change this man. He's been this way for years. If you are to be with him, you must love him and accept him as he is. Period. Everyone has positive and negative traits. I think it's best to focus on the positive.

[basscatcher]

well look WWIU...we should all spend less time trying to change other's behaviours and more time changing our own behaviours. Accept him the way he is or find someone else. That's the bottom line.

 

I will not find someone else. He is the only one who has me right now and hopefully (maybe) always will.

I am not trying to change him I just want him to tone it down a little.

I need time to adjust. What he is doing for me is NOT bad... It is nice, It is flattering. I do like it but it overwhelms me.

 

He just needs to slow down.

 

And---THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM HOLDING ME SECURLY IN HIS ARMS ONCE IN AWHILE. OR LOOKING ME IN MY EYES FOR A MOMENT WITHOUT TURNING AWAY AND GETTING REDFACED.

 

If he loves me then there is nothing wrong with him expressing what he feels. That doesn't make him a whimp or a wussbag. A real man is honest and can take the risk of putting his honest feelings out on the line.

Men CAN do that and not be over board. There is a right way of expressing yourself so you dont sound whimpy or washy..

[whichwayisup]

well look WWIU...we should all spend less time trying to change other's behaviours and more time changing our own behaviours. Accept him the way he is or find someone else. That's the bottom line.

I completely agree with you, but with that being said, it's OK to compromise. People are who they are, but it doesn't mean they can't make abit of effort to enhance things in a positive way. I'm not saying he has to get down on one knee and pour his heart out to her!

[basscatcher]

He needs to appreciate that he's gotten a woman who isn't material in any way shape or form and embrace it!

 

Exactly......... I'm not against improving the way I look by dressing better, getting a better hairstyle, etc etc because I like to improve myself but He needs to tone it down a bit with lavishing me.

 

He also knows I am not materialistic. He gives me grief because I am always cutting corners when we do something or go out. He tells me to stop worrying about the price of things. He always says "you dont have to worry about all that anymore."

 

Maybe not as much but I still cut corners. Even if he and I last and marry. I will live larger then half of my family. I don't want to live lavishly because it could disappear at any time in my life. I want my simple life skills. I don't want to become dependant on living large.

[EnigmaXOXO]

If he were born with a "silver spoon" then chances are he has learned to express love by gifting material things. He was probably spoiled a bit by his folks when he was growing up. It's not nearly as awkward for him to give and receive as it might be for someone who isn't use to these expensive gestures.

 

But if you're into the honey instead of the money, even that will lose it's newness and get stale after a while. Especially if that's the only way one learns to express their love.

 

THIS is what I like about Mr. L:

 

he comes to see me almost everyday (we live 20 minutes apart across the metro), he calls me every day without missing a day,

 

He is very much a gentleman to me and treats me with more respect then I have ever been given in my life by any man.

 

he is dreaming of having me on the back of it with my legs wrapped around him while driving to the club, lodge, bowl or where ever we go. This man includes me in just about everything

 

Says it all, right there.

 

My guess Pad, is that this guy probably didn't grow up with a lot of physical affection, which might explain why it feels so awkward for him. He's probably not accustom to expressing his emotions verbally, either. What he got instead of hugs was "stuff." It might be interesting if you could ever get him to talk about his relationship with his folks one day. It could shed some light on things.

 

Meanwhile, I still think he's a 'keeper' given his obvious infatuation with you. It just may require some work getting him to feel comfortable with all the girly cuddling and terms of endearment stuff. Right now, he wants to impress and WOW you, but as soon as you settle into a more comfortable relationship (and he isn't trying so d*mn hard ) you might be able to show him that quality time together, affection, and the occasional "I love you" is worth more than all the money in the world can buy.

[alphamale]

I don't want to live lavishly because it could disappear at any time in my life.

You could also die tomorrow... so what's your point? that's like saying you don't want to get used to living cause your life could end at anytime.

[basscatcher]

EnigmaXOXO what you just said in your post rang true to my ears and eyes. I very much agree with you.

 

I see him for who he is past all the money and gifts. It is who he is as a person. I see how he treats his clients, I hear him talk business on his phone when we are out. I see how he respects everyone we are around. He doesn't mock, criticize or make comment about people. He will give me a occassional look if we both see someone who is 'out-there-somewhere' so to speak in their actions or attire. But he is very respectful towards others.

 

He may have been born into a comfortable lifestyle and never really wanted for much of anything materialistic but he was raised in catholic school and graduated from it. His mother was very active in society with bettering women lives in the community. His father was involved with different Corporate businesses--something to do with oil mostly from what I understand. His mom and dad started a foundation that helps food shelves etc. So he comes from a family with good values, morals and care for their community and the people who suffer or are less.

 

That is the goodness I see in him.

[l2hvn]

if he lavishes you with gifts, then graciously accept it. after all, this doesn't happen all the time.

 

i've dated men who showered me with gifts. it's all they knew to get my attention.. to get women's attention.

 

(i noticed that these types of people were not really the best-looking/hot/gorgeous type of guys... they were all older/average looking men who think the only way to get a woman is by buying her stuff)

 

money=power=sexy

 

of course those same men turned out to be the biggest jerks i knew. some of those gifts were guilt gifts. so just because someone is giving you all these material things doesn't mean that they love you and that it will be together forever. nope. there are no guarantees.

 

besides, i would be too iffy about men who would want to change the way i look. then to me, it means that they're not completely satisfied with just the way i am. to me, they are more worried about how they're going to look, with me, in public...

 

also, maybe it's just me, but i don't want a guy who would look better than me, or would spend more time primping than me.

 

lastly, i would have to agree with alpha: you cannot change a guy. if he's the type who's not affectionate or verbally expressive to begin with, then don't expect that he will change someday... because most likely, he won't.

 

would you really, honestly, be happy with that?

[alphamale]

lastly, i would have to agree with alpha: you cannot change a guy.

ahhh validation

[basscatcher]

You could also die tomorrow... so what's your point? that's like saying you don't want to get used to living cause your life could end at anytime.

You miss understood.

 

How would you feel if you come from absolutly nothing. You were raised in a small town in a run down trailor house with no money. You were raised with hand-me down clothing, home-sewn clothing, and got free lunches in school.

 

(YOU WERE RAISED ALWAYS SCRAPING TO SURVIVE.)

 

Then you got out on your own and you managed to pick youself up after having most of the odds against you, you screw up a few times, then finally get yourself on track and get an education while raising a child on your own with no help. You graduate from college and land a low paying job and you feel like your in your parents shoes.

 

You have learned to live within your means not splurging on much of anything, rasing your child to be responsible, respectable to everyone, and encourage him to get an education after graduation and not to get the prince charming dream in his head of marriage and kids right away but to go to college and make the best out of his life so he can live better and provide for a future family. Yet through all this and trying to keep your own head above water you have come to accept your life, you are a survivor of hard times, you know where to go when you are in trouble. You know all the welfare resources to seek assistance if you should crash and burn but you cant utilize them because you are living in the crack where you make to much money to get any kind of help and you dont make enough to pay your elec, basic phone, rent, car insurance, gas in car, car repairs, put food on the table and pay medical bills and purchase household cleaning supplies.

Then a person comes into your life. Gives you the sun, moon and stars. You become accustomed to this lifestyle and then BAMN it falls apart and you are left empty, you can't continue your lavish lifestyle, you fall back to were you were before.

 

THAT IS WHERE YOU FALL APART, YOU BECOME DEPRESSED AND PANIC. You struggle once again feeling embarrassed your relationship didn't work out, you use to get manicures, pedicures, use to go shopping at Macy's and now your back to the used clothing store and people know where youve been and now your back to square one.

 

The transition up and the transition down are both tramatizing. It is hard to swing up so sharply and its even harder to slide down even faster from such a high level.

 

I don't want to get comfortable with a lavish lifestyle. I don't want to feel the depression, the dramatic loss, the humiliation of loss. I prefer to live a little better then I am now but not as richly as he seems to want to live. I am afraid of it. I don't know it and never have. I don't want to be dependant on that kind of lifestyle. I know many many people who live like I do and if I had more then them I would rather help them where I can so they can help themselves.

 

I prefer to give then to recieve.

[alphamale]

THAT IS WHERE YOU FALL APART, YOU BECOME DEPRESSED AND PANIC. You struggle once again feeling embarrassed your relationship didn't work out, you use to get manicures, pedicures, use to go shopping at Macy's and now your back to the used clothing store and people know where youve been and now your back to square one.

anything can happen to anyone at anytime. we all take risks every time we get out of bed and walk out the door. heck, you're even taking a risk when youre asleep, an airplane could crash into your house or someone could murder you....

[basscatcher]

anything can happen to anyone at anytime. we all take risks every time we get out of bed and walk out the door. heck, you're even taking a risk when youre asleep, an airplane could crash into your house or someone could murder you....

 

Right, I agree totally but why should I set myself up for failure and having to go backwards. I need to make it forward because of me not because some man wants to give it all to me.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Three months in is way too soon to know whether anyone is set in their ways or not. I've known self proclaimed happy singles whose worlds have been turned upside down when that special someone finally comes into their life.

 

There seems to be more positive than 'negative' so far, so there's no need to shout "FIRE" before anyone's smelled the smoke. Only more time will tell whether or not Pad and Mr. L have what it takes to go the distance.

 

We're only afraid of what's hurt us before, so I understand how scary it must feel for you, Pad. You're afraid to lean too hard on someone after all you've been through. Especially when that someone seems too good to be true. If all the stuff that you're frightened about isn't a big issue for you yet, then just trust enough to go with it for a while and see where it takes you.

 

What could it hurt?

 

anything can happen to anyone at anytime. we all take risks every time we get out of bed and walk out the door. heck, you're even taking a risk when youre asleep, an airplane could crash into your house or someone could murder you....

 

I agree, Alpha. And so far, Mr. L hasn't done anything yet (at least to my knowledge) to suggest he poses that BIG of a risk … Unless there's a wife, a girlfriend, a rap sheet, an addiction, or a past abusive relationship hiding in his skeleton closet!

 

Again, only time will tell.

 

He still blushes around you … that's so cute!

[basscatcher]

Three months in is way too soon to know whether anyone is set in their ways or not. I've known self proclaimed happy singles whose worlds have been turned upside down when that special someone finally comes into their life.

exactly..

 

There seems to be more positive than 'negative' so far,

right again.

 

We're only afraid of what's hurt us before, so I understand how scary it must feel for you, Pad. You're afraid to lean too hard on someone after all you've been through.

right on again.

If all the stuff that you're frightened about isn't a big issue for you yet, then just trust enough to go with it for a while and see where it takes you.

 

What could it hurt?

My pride could get hurt.

Geeze I just looked at myself like I was a guy!! Yikes...

 

 

I agree, Alpha. And so far, Mr. L hasn't done anything yet (at least to my knowledge) to suggest he poses that BIG of a risk … Unless there's a wife, a girlfriend, a rap sheet, an addiction, or a past abusive relationship hiding in his skeleton closet!

 

I don't believe, think or have any intuitive feelings that he has anything to hide. He was upfront and honest with me about recently coming out of a roller coaster on and off relationship of 3 years. He was upfront about liking Big Dog Choppers, tatoos, provocative looking women, he told me in the first few weeks he likes to lavish his woman like a queen. (I didn't know how financially stable he was then..)

I believe he is a alcoholic (on beer) but he doesn't show any signs of abuse or any embarrassing traits or habits that I would be uncomfortable with. I only fear his health because of excessive drinking. He likes to kick back about a 6 pk of Miller Lite a night..

When he does get intoxicated and I'm driving that night he becomes extrememly attentive to me, he talks up a storm with me, he flirts heavily, he laughs and smiles more. He likes to grab my belt loops and pull me close to him but he doesnt wrap his arms around me.

So I get a drunk version of his real self. Drunk people usually don't have much of a concious and therefore show there true colors.. He is not a angry type of person. He is very fun, flirty, lively and social..

 

EnigmaXOXO I sense you bring much wisdom into this thread.... Thanks

 

 

 

He still blushes around you … that's so cute!

he blushes all the time. If I look at him for too long of a period of time or look at him too much he giggles, kinda looks down and around and says "What?" sharply. If I smile at him a lot he smiles a lot and blushes..

[justagirliegirl]

From what you said, he seems alright. I do wonder if he thinks of you as a trophy or doll dressing you up to make himself look good?

 

I would try wearing something that he didn't buy for you out and maybe something he wouldn't like and see how he responds to that.

 

He may be a cold fish and what emotion he is showing now is all he is capable of and later on after the honeymoon is over he will be distant and throwing money around as a subsitute for love.

 

Just speculating but have been there.

 

Edit: I didn't see the part about the 6 pack a day beer habit! Yikes! He IS an alcoholic! Do you really want to go there? I was married to one for 20 years. It was terrible. This guy does sound a lot like my former husband.

 

He is still on his best behavior with you. No matter how sweet and funny a drunk seems they still have the addiction and you will always be 2nd to their true love, the bottle.

[basscatcher]

From what you said, he seems alright. I do wonder if he thinks of you as a trophy or doll dressing you up to make himself look good?

 

I would try wearing something that he didn't buy for you out and maybe something he wouldn't like and see how he responds to that.

 

He may be a cold fish and what emotion he is showing now is all he is capable of and later on after the honeymoon is over he will be distant and throwing money around as a subsitute for love.

 

Just speculating but have been there.

 

It is possible... But when he shops he does look at sales racks but only at stores like Macy's.... He has to be in a big name department store. I never see him buy rounds of drinks or over tip a waitress. There are things about him where I notice he has some restraint on his spending. But not like I do. !!!

 

I don't think he needs love substitutes but then i could be wrong.

 

Time will tell. Time will tell..

 

 

thank you everyone for your input. You all stirred my mind and helped me see see other angles... gotta love LS.. time to fly home for the evening. ttfn.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I believe he is a alcoholic (on beer) but he doesn't show any signs of abuse or any embarrassing traits or habits that I would be uncomfortable with. I only fear his health because of excessive drinking. He likes to kick back about a 6 pk of Miller Lite a night..

 

When he does get intoxicated and I'm driving that night he becomes extrememly attentive to me, he talks up a storm with me, he flirts heavily, he laughs and smiles more. He likes to grab my belt loops and pull me close to him but he doesnt wrap his arms around me.

 

So I get a drunk version of his real self. Drunk people usually don't have much of a concious and therefore show there true colors.. He is not a angry type of person. He is very fun, flirty, lively and social..

 

Crap.

 

Keep your antennas up on this one, Pad. I married me a good-time Charley who was a happy drunk (born with a silver spoon) … who eventually turned from a functioning alcoholic to a non functioning one. The ONLY time he showed any affection or emotion was after a six-pack of beer. When he sobered up, he couldn't feel anything.

 

By the way … expressions of love via material gifts only, is not a subject I'm a stranger to.

 

Go slow, Pad, and take your time.

 

Oh … and thanks a lot for putting that "pin" in MY romantic bubble.

[justagirliegirl]

Crap.

 

Keep your antennas up on this one, Pad. I married me a good-time Charley who was a happy drunk (born with a silver spoon) … who eventually turned from a functioning alcoholic to a non functioning one. The ONLY time he showed any affection or emotion was after a six-pack of beer. When he sobered up, he couldn't feel anything.

 

By the way … expressions of love via material gifts only, is not a subject I'm a stranger to.

 

Go slow, Pad, and take your time.

 

Oh … and thanks a lot for putting that "pin" in MY romantic bubble.

 

Yeah I was married to one too! I didn't see the drunk part from Pad's other post and went back and edited my previous post.

 

Drunk= Whoa Nelly!

 

Mine was what you call a house devil street angel. Oh he is a salesman and he sold me good too. He was all sweetheart to me lavishing me with gifts and so on.

 

He turned out to be very cold, controlling, verbally abusive, and falling down functional drunk.

 

To the outside world, he was Mr. Prince charming.

[Mary3]

Curious : How old are you Pada and how old is He ?

[basscatcher]

EnigmaXOXO--that is coinicidence--his first name IS Charles..

Sorry about bursting your romantic bubble. Nothing in life is what we always dream it will be. We have to deciede if we can handle the flaws and bumps no matter what the situation and then act upon that decision.

 

justagirliegirl--EnigmaXOXO -- Believe me I am no stranger to dealing with alcoholics. My father, brother, my mother (borderline) is one, both of my grandfathers were, a majority of my friends and xbfs liked to party a lot so theres a good chance they may all have been alcoholics or on the road to becoming alcoholics. The bf I had when I moved to the Twin Cites was a mean Dr. Jekyl; Mr. Hyde alcoholic. I was with him for 2 years then I finally had to leave him. He was becoming physically abusive. He has currently been sober for almost a year, attends AA meetings almost every evening and bible study on the evenings he deosn't have a AA meeting. If I would have stayed with him he wouldnt have rejoined AA. He wasn't able to be honest with himself or me about our relationship. He and I are phone friends now, we don't see each other. When he needs to talk to someone about life, his gf or xgf, work, or just to share a happy milestone in his life he calls me to share. He knows I will tell him what I think and get in his face if I need too. He knows I wont lie to him and that I genuinely care about people.

So as you can see I am no stranger to Alcoholism and dealing with Alcoholics. I am not the kind of person to just bail on someone because they have a problem unless it is hurting me. I believe everyone needs support and friend. NO one is perfect and I beleive we all have room for growth, healing and mostly love... As long as Mr. L (Charlie) doesn't become abusive or a cheater I will not bail on him.

 

Mary3--I am 37 yrs old. He is 42 yrs old. We are both November babies. I have 1 child (alive) he is 16 yrs old and a respectable, caring, likeable, low-keyed, laid-back, home bodied young man. I was married to his father for almost 8 years and spent 11 1/2 years with him before I left with many many many years of individual and marriage counceling. I studied some Psychology while in college and have done a lot of my own research and study.

I form my own decisions (I am stubborn) but I like to hear other peoples feedback, opinions, ideas to stir my own thoughts and weight the checks and balances of life. I also need support from others as I am human too. I was told by many councelors that I have a good head on my shoulders, I am usually right on track and know what is really going on. I have good self-awareness but my big-heart is what gets me into trouble. I care too much, too deeply for other people and I sacrafice my own for others and I need to learn to take care of myself first.

 

I know I just gave more info then you asked for but it helps to understand someone more in order to help another person with insight and understanding about lifes struggles. I am young but I am not so young that I am nieve. I have lived A LOT of life...