basscatcher Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 Alright, I'm a little bit troubled with a few things. I sure wish men came with instruction manuals or a LCD panel on the back of their heads that we could just push some buttons to get out answers directly. Mr. L and are doing wonderful for starters. My love life is still amazing with him. I have fallen head-over-heels in love:love: with this man in 3 months time. He is just amazing.. But......... with that comes the confusion of dealing with another personality and never knowing what is going on inside of them. Alright-- How do you know if a man is in love with you or falling in love with you. I have always been told that actions speak louder then words. So what if no words are being said and all you see is the man performing actions? I mean, he is always buying me stuff!! Why do men who have money buy and buy and buy and buy for their woman? Everytime I let my guard down he goes out and buys something for me. I have practically a new wardrode of going out/clubbing clothes, belts, hats and perfume. He calls me every day (yesterday he called me 3 times. ). We were on the phone till 1:30am and he is pushing me to go shopping with him this weekend (for me!) He wants to buy more jeans, 2-pairs of heeled boots, and another hat (one he likes -its flippin orange).. He is just nuts about buying me stuff. He is planning to buy a 2005 Big Dog Chopper this summer and he is dreaming of having me on the back of it with my legs wrapped around him while driving to the club, lodge, bowl or where ever we go. This man includes me in just about everything and wants to constantly shower me with material gifts. My family and friends tell me if he wants to do it then let him but I am very uncomfortable with it. Tears are welling up in my eyes right now because I am falling so far behind on my bills; my income doesn't meet my basic living expenses and I dont' splurge on anything and here he is buying me new clothes and accessories and I can't even pay my bills. I have made sublte comments to him if he wants to spend money on me then to help me with my basic living expenses. He smiles and says "you will be fine," Yet he still buys me material stuff and I'm am falling more and more behind on my living expenses (I am looking for a different job. I can't survivie off of $27,000 a year raising a child alone.) I Know Mr. L is interested in me cause he comes to see me almost everyday (we live 20 minutes apart across the metro), he calls me every day without missing a day, he is constantly buying me material gifts but he NEVER tells me how he feels about me. When we are out he rarely looks at me; he is always busy looking around at everything going on around us. My gf says when I am not paying attention to him he watches me and looks at me but he wont look me in the eyes much. If he does lock eyes with me he kind of blushes and looks away while saying "What?" in a strong tone with a smile on his face. He rarely touches me in public unless he has about a 6 pack of beer in him. He doesn't reach out to hug me, hold me and rarely kisses me unless he is 2-sheets in the wind! What is with him? Is he just that shy he can't feel free to reach out and touch me. My God he touches me when we are behind closed doors and getting freaky. Then he is all over me.. I have never been involved with a man who isn't affectionate or touchy feely and it's kinda making me feel like I'm not attractive enough for him. He buys me clothes, belts, hats, shoes, perfume, He wrote me a check and basically pushed me into a nail salon and ordered me to get my nails done with a french manicure. So NOW I have Arcrylic Nails and have been trying to adjust to them. He is trying to talk me into designing my own design and having it tatoo'd on my low back. He wants to buy me a 'bar ring' so I can wear it when we or I go out. He is very much a gentleman to me and treats me with more respect then I have ever been given in my life by any man. It is just so weird and also confusing. I want to hear him tell me how he feels about me. I want him to reach out and hold me close and cuddle with me. I have expressed this to him yet he still wants to primarily shower me with gifts and spend time with me but still with limited touch and affection.. I reach out to him and I give him the attention I WANT to give him which is a lot. The man is spoiled with physical attention in all ways from me but I want it reciprocated.. Everything he does--are they actions that say "I love you" without having to say the words or express them by physical touch? 1
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 Why not talk to him about it? Just say, I need to know how you feel about me. You do alot of wonderful, loving things for me that show me how much you care, but I need to hear you say it. He probably isn't the type of guy who is going to tell you that often, but he can compromise and do that once in a while. From what you've said, I think he does have tons of feelings for you...At the same time, because you're a giver, (I'm the same way actually) you have to know that you won't get back as much as you give. Just be happy with how you feel when you do nice things for him. He may not be good at giving with the affection and words, so that is when you have to pay attention to the action...His actions are talking loud and it's all good!!
Lishy Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 Pad ....... I was thinking about you today and wondering how u and Mr L where getting on .. How strange eh lol Well honey in my opinion buying someone things does not say I Love You, calling everyday does not mean someone loves you, in some cases saying I Love You does not even mean that someone loves you. I think we get a gut feeling on how someone feels about us! What is your gut saying? You are a sensible girl who has been there and wore the T-shirt Pad - Go with your own feelings and do not be scared to acknowledge what you discover. Mr L sounds to me like a guy who has grown used to throwing money at situations that he cannot handle - It sounds like he may be pulling back on his emotions for some reason - You probably already know this reason. If a guy kept buying me clothes and giving me money to get my hair/nails done I think I would take it that he wasnt happy with my style previous to meeting him, but I am not saying that of him. I do not know him. Your gut is telling you something but you dont want to acknowledge it. The fact that he knows you are struggling yet not offering to help even though he will throw hundreds at clothes is a tad strange I must say. Could you talk openly to him about this? If you could then that is my suggestion ...... Talk to him and tell him you do not need clothes but you have an elctric bill that is overdue and it is stressing you out. See what he says I feel there are other issues that you are too scared to confront Pad!
Author basscatcher Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 He was basically born with a silver spoon in his mouth so money isn't anything he has really been tight with and he is self employeed and makes really good money he still doesn't miez as tightly as I do. He wears name brand (label) clothing. He only shops at he big name department stores and his taste in style and clothing is up in that fashionable instyle trend. I am very practical, down to earth and buy in a practical sense so my sense of fashion is neutral, inexpensive, floats through all the time zones of fashion but isn't trend setting. He doesn't mind the way I dress if we are going fishing, 4-wheeling or going to get dirty. But when we go out he wants me in low-rise jeans with heels, a crop shirt, he loves it when I curl my hair, wear a little more heavier makeup and add the accessories. He thinks you can never overdo accessories.. I like his sense of style and his taste in mens and womens fashion. I actually love it and if I could afford it and lavish myself with it I would but I never have been able to do that so I think, act, and live in a very practical means. I do know he is not one to express himself physically or in words. He and I have talked in depth to a degree about this. He said he has never been one to be touchy-feely and speak about what he feels. He told me he is the type of guy who lavish's his woman with gifts and he likes to spend time together doing things. (I even go snow plowing with him -- just sit in the truck for hours while he plows -- I like being with him..) He is a great caretaker and giver but lacks the being able to express his emotions verbally and through hugs and kisses. My gutt instinct is telling me he is afraid of being rejected or laughed at if he expresses himself openly about what he feels.
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 I do know he is not one to express himself physically or in words. He and I have talked in depth to a degree about this. He said he has never been one to be touchy-feely and speak about what he feels. He told me he is the type of guy who lavish's his woman with gifts and he likes to spend time together doing things. (I even go snow plowing with him -- just sit in the truck for hours while he plows -- I like being with him..) He is a great caretaker and giver but lacks the being able to express his emotions verbally and through hugs and kisses. My gutt instinct is telling me he is afraid of being rejected or laughed at if he expresses himself openly about what he feels. That's tough. I mean, I honestly think he feels ALOT for you but won't tell you until he's ready. All you can do is keep on being affectionate with him, show him your loving side...Then one day it will pop out of his mouth.
Lishy Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 I would say that he is doing what he is being allowed to get away with! Can you live happily with a man who shows no affection? If so great but if not babe TELL HIM! Be honest, you have a great realtionship in every other way so why rick losing it for something that can be sorted out with a bit of honest communication. Just because he isnt used to giving out affection and telling you he loves you doesnt mean he cant change that, right? Stand up and be counted and tell him what you desire Pad! I dont mean tell him to tell you that he loves you, that is personal to him, I mean the affection and also the presnt giving!
Lonestar Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 Sounds to me like he's trying to recreate you into what he wants and likes. I personally wouldn't accept any more gifts from him. I'd also be very concerned that he seems incapable of showing you affection outside of the bedroom. My ex couldn't look me in the eyes either, would not hold my hand in public or even put his arm around me. I felt like he was embarrassed to be with me and it pissed me off. Turned out that he had an emotional intimacy problem. If a guy isn't proud to be seen with me and has to change the way I look and dress, I'd dump him fast, but I know you're in love with this guy and that's not an option.
Author basscatcher Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 It is frustrating and I am not use to this kind of relationsihp but because he isn't used to expressing his feelings verbally or with affection doesn't mean I am going to through it away. He treats me very very vey well. He calls me all the time and wants to see me and go out to different places and kick back a few beers all the time. I do believe in time he will open up more but it is hard waiting.. I love this man and I know its natural when we are in love we want that love returned from the object of our desires. I don't care about his money or what he has. I care about him. He told me several times this weekend "Be warned, it will only get worse." He said he has always been like this. He likes to treat his woman like a queen and queens deserve to be showered. He knew I was a little emotional Sunday evening (11:30pm) and he ordered me in a playful way to get out of bed, get dressed andf get my a$$ over to his place. So I packed my weekend over night bag, put on my shoes and jacket with my flannel PJs on and drove across the metro to him. We had a good talk for 2 1/2 hours. He did open up a little bit and I look at that as a start. The next morning he planned to spend the whole day with me and did.. It was amazing. I sensed something different in him after out long talk so maybe in time (3 more months) if things havent developed more we need to have another open discussion..
witabix Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 I think he is stuck in a common male stereotype. I buy you things, look at all the stuff you get from me, why can't you be happy with that, theres loads of women who would die for all this stuff. Some men mistake material things for caring. They don't see the value of a cuddle and a kind word because they don't have to pay for it. In their minds it has no value because anyone can do this. Even someone living in a cardboard box under the station can hold someone and tell them that they love them. But to him, the guy in the cardboard box could never love you as much as he does because he has no money. A lot of people make this mistake, he supplies all the 'things', therefore he must love me. Its good when like minded people hook up. You clearly have an emotional need that he is not able to fulfill, at this time, but keep working on it and he may see what he is missing. I would wonder about asking him to pay your bills, just a thought, what message would you be sending him? That paying a bill would show you that he loves you?
Author basscatcher Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 Sounds to me like he's trying to recreate you into what he wants and likes. I think this is a fair statement. I do think he is attempting to create me into what he likes. but again like I said in my previous post I like his sense of style and his taste in dress and if I could afford it I would do it myself but I have never had extra money to be able to afford buying stuff for myself. I felt like he was embarrassed to be with me and it pissed me off. Turned out that he had an emotional intimacy problem. If a guy isn't proud to be seen with me and has to change the way I look and dress, I'd dump him fast, but I know you're in love with this guy and that's not an option. He has no problem with being in public with me. He prefers to be out and about with me. He opens doors for me, orders for me. He knows exactly what I like to eat or drink. He always asks would you like your drink or something different? He has introduced me to some of his social crowed and one chick came up to me, shook my hand, and said 'your Pamela, I've heard so much about you!" "don't worry it's all good". 'You have a good man." I was shocked he seemed a bit surprised at her approach and after she left us he put his arm around me and said 'see, everyone knows about you.' So it's not that he is embarrassed to be seen with me or doesn't want to be with me. I think my practical layed back style is just too country for the city. My gfs tell me I need to go shopping and get some new clothes. I've been told that I dress like a kindergarden teacher. lol Because I don't spend on myself. If I have extra money I spend it on my son and buy better food and stock up on household goods. I think he wants to just take care of me in a physical sense and help my image.
Author basscatcher Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 Read the Five Love Languages book. I OWN IT ALREADY... :lmao: I guess I need to reread it..
Author basscatcher Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 I think he is stuck in a common male stereotype. I buy you things, look at all the stuff you get from me, why can't you be happy with that, theres loads of women who would die for all this stuff. Some men mistake material things for caring. They don't see the value of a cuddle and a kind word because they don't have to pay for it. In their minds it has no value because anyone can do this. Even someone living in a cardboard box under the station can hold someone and tell them that they love them. But to him, the guy in the cardboard box could never love you as much as he does because he has no money. A lot of people make this mistake, he supplies all the 'things', therefore he must love me. Its good when like minded people hook up. You clearly have an emotional need that he is not able to fulfill, at this time, but keep working on it and he may see what he is missing. I would wonder about asking him to pay your bills, just a thought, what message would you be sending him? That paying a bill would show you that he loves you? I understand what you are saying and it seems like a fair and logical reason. As for asking him to pay my bills. If I asked him to pay my bills I feel like I could be viewed as a Gold Digger and I am far from it. i don't want a free ride from anyone. I just want a better job that can meet my basic living expenses and be able to afford a low car payment and get my student loan out of forbearance. I just want to be able to put away $20 a paycheck for emergencys or something special. I am not greedy. I believe in living simplistic and not being greedy and having to have everything in life. But I need a roof over my head, food on my table, transportation to work, and be able to pay my bills. I don't view love as something you can buy. So him paying a bill wouln't prove to me he is falling in love with me. I just feel guilty wearing new clothes and fashionable ones at that when I can't even afford to pay my bills. It just looks bad from the outside. Can you imagin: pada calls her landlord to make arrangements to pay her rent in installments because she cant afford to pay it at one time. then the landlord sees her in name brand fashions that look brand new. what do you think he is thinking? she has money to buy expensive clothes but she doesn't have money to pay her bills. first charactor thought: she is irresponsible, she can't be trusted, she lies, she will fall behind on her bills (rent) and never get caught up, etc etc... you can play out the visual as an outsider looking in without all the facts.
slubberdegullion Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 Pada, sweet Pada, he clearly knows your situation and is trying to help. I don't see it as him "buying" your love because you're both adults and both of you know that it doesn't work. And I don't see it as him trying to remake you in an image that he'd prefer. He's being generous because he's crazy about you. It's a tangible way of showing that you matter to him. Now, if it's making you uncomfortable - and it obviously is, otherwise you wouldn't be posting about it - then he needs to know that. Gently tell him that while you appreciate all the goodies, you're more interested in time with him than more stuff. But to keep his ego from collapsing, also let him know that if you need or want something that's important to you, and you can't afford it at the time, you'll ask for his help. Then take him upstairs and shag him silly.
Author basscatcher Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 Pada, sweet Pada, he clearly knows your situation and is trying to help. I don't see it as him "buying" your love because you're both adults and both of you know that it doesn't work. And I don't see it as him trying to remake you in an image that he'd prefer. He's being generous because he's crazy about you. It's a tangible way of showing that you matter to him. Now, if it's making you uncomfortable - and it obviously is, otherwise you wouldn't be posting about it - then he needs to know that. Gently tell him that while you appreciate all the goodies, you're more interested in time with him than more stuff. But to keep his ego from collapsing, also let him know that if you need or want something that's important to you, and you can't afford it at the time, you'll ask for his help. Then take him upstairs and shag him silly. Ah slubb, your words always make me feel better. what is it about you??? I have spoken to him about it and he just teases me and says "Get use to it because its going to get worse." He clearly knows how I feel and I have expressed it all to him so he does know. He likes to push my buttons and get a rise out of me about this subject. My mom says to just let him buy what he wants to for me and just thank him gracefully for his kindness and wanting to help me feel like a woman who deserves to be treated like a queen. Mr. L. has made it clear to me he will not stop what he does. He said it is who he is and I better get use it and he laughs. I think he likes to watch me squirm. I truly adore him and he treats me very well but the gifts overwhelm me. I've never had it in my life.. EVER..
Art_Critic Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 Mr. L. has made it clear to me he will not stop what he does. He said it is who he is and I better get use it and he laughs. I think he likes to watch me squirm. To me these words mean that he is doing it to have power or the illusion of power over you.. he wants to show that he can control you.. Now.. as for what I think.. I think he is a duffus with his emotions and has no idea how to love you.. so he is throwing out the one thing he knows.. money.. You can bet that he thinks money is the fix for everything.. why do I know this.. I do it..or have done it.. I had to learn to respect that money doesn't always mean to someone what it means to me.. What you need to do is talk to him and stop taking theses gifts if they make you feel uncomfortable.. If he refuses then he is showing disrespect for your wishes.. Take the bull by the horns and make this situation something that is good for both of you instead of just him..
alphamale Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 He is a great caretaker and giver but lacks the being able to express his emotions verbally and through hugs and kisses. Funny thing is PADA that soon as he does start to wear his heart on his sleeve and express verbal emotions and get all touchey-feely that will be the day you kick him to the curb and replace him with a more manly man
Author basscatcher Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 Funny thing is PADA that soon as he does start to wear his heart on his sleeve and express verbal emotions and get all touchey-feely that will be the day you kick him to the curb and replace him with a more manly man Oh NO.. I doubt it. My last serious bf was very touchy feely and expressed his emotions strongly and I loved every bit of it. I have told you in the past that I am different. I love touchy feely and a man who can show and express his feelings. I don't want a man who is going to cry more then me though. Or whine if things aren't going his way.. He is a manly man. That man has so much damn sex appeal... Wow... His walk, his build, his manners, they way he dresses, damn he has lots and lots of sex appeal. Women check him out as he walks by. Sometimes it makes me feel jealous and I have to remind myself that he isn't talking to them or trying to pick them up. He isn't even looking at them as he walks by them. But the women check him out from head to toe as he walks by. He has something about him that turns womens heads... He definetly is a manly man. It wouldn't hurt if he could express his feelings once in awhile.. Give me a little balance to the giving.. Tks for your input Alpha.
Author basscatcher Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 To me these words mean that he is doing it to have power or the illusion of power over you.. he wants to show that he can control you.. Could be but I sense that is not the case. Now.. as for what I think.. I think he is a duffus with his emotions and has no idea how to love you.. so he is throwing out the one thing he knows.. money.. You can bet that he thinks money is the fix for everything.. This is quite possible. He was married for 13 1/2 years and she spent money like drinking water and tried to take him to the cleaners in the divorce. She made out pretty well but she has a spending addiction and hides credit cards and bills. She opened up a post office box so all her credit card statements would be sent there instead of the house and a lot of her purchases she would hide at her mothers house so he wouldn't find out. He was hurt by her. So maybe he is more afraid to invest openly out of fear of being taken advantage of and maybe that is why he spends so much money on women because he is afraid if he doesnt spend on them they will take it one way or another. What do you think? why do I know this.. I do it..or have done it.. I had to learn to respect that money doesn't always mean to someone what it means to me.. It always good to get a point of view from someone who can recognize themselves in the topic. What you need to do is talk to him and stop taking theses gifts if they make you feel uncomfortable.. If he refuses then he is showing disrespect for your wishes.. I agree. He isn't really bad yet with the gifts but he does show impulsive spending on me. that I am not use to 5 pairs of jeans 1 pair of gold hoop earings 2 hats 2 belts arcrylic nails all this is 3 months!! He wants to: put me in a tanning bed get me a tatoo perm my hair (I want this) buy me 2 pair of heeled dancing shoes more jeans, shirts, belts, hats, earings, and a 'bar ring'. Take the bull by the horns and make this situation something that is good for both of you instead of just him.. I am in the process of doing just that. I don't know if I am going to get him to lighten up on the gifts but I do believe with all my insticts that he will open up and be more affectionate. I know its hard for me to accept things from people because I have always been the giver in relationships now the table is turned and I can't respond to his giving by giving back.. I can't afford it. His taste is more expensive then mine too and I'm use to easy to please men who arent into all the name brand labels and fads. I am dealing with a different kind of man then what I am use to.
Author basscatcher Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 Is your name Pamela Dack? :lmao: hahahahahahahaha :lmao: whirling whirling whirling whirling
Outcast Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 i don't want a free ride from anyone. I just want a better job that can meet my basic living expenses Ask him for help and advice on getting a better job. You can, in this context, speak about your struggles to meet your bills and tell him that you'd need a job that pays $30K or more and need some advice on getting one. I imagine he'll be happy to help you with this and it's one more way he can feel like a hero for you.
alphamale Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 ... He definetly is a manly man. exactly PADA...he is a manly man because he does not express his feelings and beause he is not touchy-feeely and because he does not wear his heart on his sleeve. you are obviously attracted to him the way he is so then WHY DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE HIM?
Author basscatcher Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 exactly PADA...he is a manly man because he does not express his feelings and beause he is not touchy-feeely and because he does not wear his heart on his sleeve. you are obviously attracted to him the way he is so then WHY DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE HIM? YES, I am attracted to him the way he is... I only want him to temper his spending on me. I am not use to being treated so lavishly. I am but a simple gal with simple pleasures. I just want him to allow me to feel comfortable and not like I want to stick my head in a hole because I feel so uncomfortably humble at his gestures.. I get speechless, nervous feelings, and my face turns red when he gives me so much.
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 She isn't trying to change him, she just wants him to once in a while be able to express his feelings for her in words, not just in action. I don't think that is alot to ask for honestly. He can still be a man, cuddle, be affectionate and say I love you!
Recommended Posts