witabix Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 I want to know how it feels from a female perspective when he goes off on one. When he rants and raves at you. What do most men rant over any way, from the woman’s point of view. What does it feel like to you? How does it make it you feel? Why do you think he does it?
Lishy Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 When my ex H ranted at me I felt scared, vulnerable and I believe that he did it simply because he could! If I was a man and he spoke to me like that I would have knocked him out! And I am sure he wouldnt have spoken to me like that had I been a 6ft man! I call it bullying! Why rant when we are adults and we can talk about it? That is MY take on it, I hope it helps!
Author witabix Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 Define rant. Ok, having a constant stream of questions/accusations/insults thrown at you. Maybe.
Lishy Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 what is this thread about Wit? what have you done?
Author witabix Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 Lishy! I haven't done anything! I read a post by Walk, and it got me to thinking about what it feels like to be a woman on the receiving end of a male tirade. I know how it feels when I get a mouthful of insults off of a man, but I reckon it feels different if you are a woamn. Could be wrong of course. I just want to know from a female view what it feels like. I have ranted/raved etc in the past. I want to know how it feels from the other side. To give me something to think about so that I do not do it again.
kitten chick Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 I think it really depends on what the rant is about and the individuals involved in the argument. If someone were accusing me of something that was untrue I would feel panicky. If someone who was hotheaded started going off screaming about politics or driving or something unrelated to me I would probably laugh (to myself of course). If someone who claims to have fallen in love with me starts yelling at me in a personally critical manner I would feel hurt and probably wouldn't understand why they are behaving that way. I don't think this is a gender issue.
Author witabix Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 It's scary so dont do it lol LOL. I know that much. I have never had a conversation about this with any SO, except a brief one with my ex wife, many years ago. She said it was like seeing a werewolf!! So I know its scary, and I know you shouldn't do that, and I have not done it for a long time. Hey! This was supposed to be about the female perspective! Last time I checked I was a guy!
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 I want to know how it feels from a female perspective when he goes off on one. When he rants and raves at you. What do most men rant over any way, from the woman’s point of view. What does it feel like to you? How does it make it you feel? Why do you think he does it? My husband rarely does that. If by chance he does, it has NOTHING to do with me, he's just had an awful stressful day and something happened at work. He gets grumpy and just nitpicks until I blow up at him and then we have a fight. I don't take it personally because I know he's letting off steam. If he did do that to me alot I would resent him, my feelings would be hurt, I would be angry and ofcourse we wouldn't be having sex that night. Not even make up sex. If he did go off on me alot I would have to take a small part of the blame because I allowed him to dump on me. But honestly I wouldn't allow it. I was brought up if you're in a mood, keep your distance. If you need to talk, talk it out but don't s*** on someone to make yourself feel better.
seachange Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 It feels like sh*t if you love the person. Yes. I've been on the receiving end of this sort of thing before. And when I'm in love I feel particularly helpless, because though I will certainly start by snapping back out of self-defense, I'm ultimately more afraid of hurting the other person than of being hurt myself. A strange kind of screwy egoism or something. Which is stupid, because obviously I do get hurt. But even when I'm deeply angry, the desire to soothe rather than inflict harm soon takes over, and I just want to find a way to console and build bridges and connect. Of course, by then, I've already responded to the initial barrage of questions/accusations with a few cutting things of my own, and nothing's harder than derailing an oncoming angry rant. And bridge-building? Hah. Anyway, there have been times when I know the most intelligent, wise and Buddha-like thing to do would be to just walk away, rather than engage in any way - either angrily or placatingly. I should make that a New Year's resolution: be willing to just walk away when it's clearly best for me. So yeah. Being on the receiving end of a rant like that can hurt like he!! with someone I love, partially because it hurts to hear someone whose opinion you value say that shyt to you, and partially because despite that I still know I won't turn my full guns on him. And maybe also because I despise myself just a little for holding back. Because yeah, when I want to I can spit shards, and I know it. But it would never be worth it. Why in God's name would I want to do that to someone I care about?? Even in self-defense? Which begs the question: why rant in the first place??? Gah and argh. seachange works out her issues...sorry...
justagirliegirl Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Wit, who all have you done this to? My former husband did it to me. Rants and rages filled with abusive insults. I think he did it to bully me. Why? He got away with it for awhile. He tried it for awhile after the D when I would go over there. I just got up and left without saying a word. Funny he seldom does it any more. He can go find someone else to be his verbal punching bag.
Walk Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Witabix, I'm glad you're being introspective on potential problems in your communication style, but I think you need to understand that my relationship with my bf isn't normal. I think everyone on this board who's seen my posts when I'm arguing with my bf, will attest to this fact. I wouldn't say I'm in the healthiest of relationships. I don't think I'd be on here if I was. So having said that, I'm not sure if when you say rant, if you mean the same as I do... If your ex compared you to a werewolf, then you should take a hard look at how you respond to situations that cause you to react in this way. The Jekyll/Hyde personality. That's scary. On the other hand... from what I read of your post, it didn't sound to me as if you "ranted" at your gf. It sounded like you were angry, but not ranting. You seemed rational, and in control, just angry. And I felt you had every right to feel that way. When I say ranting, I mean going off on a monologue for hours (2 to 3 straight) about every sin, crime, or perceived wrong doing done by the other person. Not listening to their side of the story, discounting everything they say, ignoring facts in favor of those that support your argument, becoming more upset the more you talk without your gf doing anything to provoke you. Phrasing words and sentences to deliver the harshest impact, and using their known weaknesses and sensitivities against them in order to hurt them as much as you felt hurt. Some of this is based solely on how I perceive it, not the reality of the situation. However, some is true. But to me, this is what I mean when I say "rant".
Author witabix Posted January 5, 2006 Author Posted January 5, 2006 Witabix, When I say ranting, I mean going off on a monologue for hours (2 to 3 straight) about every sin, crime, or perceived wrong doing done by the other person. Not listening to their side of the story, discounting everything they say, ignoring facts in favor of those that support your argument, becoming more upset the more you talk without your gf doing anything to provoke you. Phrasing words and sentences to deliver the harshest impact, and using their known weaknesses and sensitivities against them in order to hurt them as much as you felt hurt. Some of this is based solely on how I perceive it, not the reality of the situation. However, some is true. But to me, this is what I mean when I say "rant". Right, thats cool I understand what you mean here. No I don't do that. That sounds like quite an uncomfortable situation to be. I hadn't ranted at anyone. It was not about what I had done. It was more about being aware that in some recent situations my current gf said she couldn't handle the 'barrage' of questions I was giving her. I certainly never insulted her or aimed any comments at her weak spots. I wouldn't do that to anyone. I had questions that I wanted answers to, and I was going to get at the answers.
lindya Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 I want to know how it feels from a female perspective when he goes off on one. When he rants and raves at you. What do most men rant over any way, from the woman’s point of view. Well, I grew up with a father who yelled and ranted a lot. When I was a little kid it used to scare me. Once I reached my teens, I learned to deal with it - by staying calm, looking unphased and telling him to stop shouting at me. I've listened to past boyfriends (and, in the workplace, bosses) going off on one before...but then, most people do have their ranting sessions now and again. Anger can give people a sense of power and invincibility (however foolish they might look to the detached observer) so taking that power away from a furious person by remaining calm and unflustered is the first step, but you have to quickly replace it with something...otherwise the temper can quickly escalate to higher levels than before. In those situations I've used distraction a lot - so if I'm being shouted at, I'll stay calm then make a comment or ask a question that is neutrally toned and worded. Something that requires them to collect their thoughts and focus....thereby calming down. How it feels? That's difficult for me personally to say, because in those situations at the time the whole emphasis is on managing my responses, staying calm...and being assertive enough that they know I'm not going to be cowed or controlled by their rage - but balancing this with the need to avoid inflaming the situation further. Long term, how it feels is that whilst I understand the pressures and injustices that lead people into anger, I don't enjoy spending time around people who have frequent temper outbursts. It's just too stressful and unpleasant.
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