torn between breaking up with my (23f) amazing boyfriend (27m) or waiting because of timeline incompatibilities, how can I navigate this?

[ninamacloof]

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year. Initially, we weren’t looking for anything serious, but we clicked so well that we ended up together.

However, in the past two months, our incompatibilities have become more noticeable, and I’m questioning the future of our relationship.

me I have a clear vision of where I want to be in 5 years, in my career and in my personal life, I'm very disciplined and know what I want, I don't want to seem like I'm bragging but I kind of have my sh*t together in other aspects of my life so I can take my relationship seriously and think of a future together.

him on the other hand he's a bit behind in school even though I believe everyone has their own timeline, and won't be getting a real job until he's almost 30, so naturally our relationship and its future are not his top priority right now and as he should, I'm not blaming him.

He’s met my friends, and I’ve told my family about him. My mom wants to invite him over, but I’ve declined because he hasn’t introduced me to anyone in his life yet.

He’s kept me a secret because his parents would criticize him for being “distracted by girls” instead of focusing on his studies, which they fund (it's normal where I live for parents to pay for their childrens education no matter how long it takes)

I feel that continuing this relationship may only lead to progress if I give an ultimatum, which I’d rather avoid because I want it to be out of love not obligation, or I will eventually end it after I have already wasted years of my 20s with him knowing I always wanted to marry relatively young (late 20s) and start a family.

I’m torn because the idea of breaking up fills me with dread. I fear that I might be sabotaging something good out of impatience or fear. He’s kind, caring, and loyal, and I fear I might not find someone like him again, especially in today’s dating scene.

There’s also a pattern in my past relationships where I nitpick flaws until they end, and I’m worried I might be doing that again.

we never discussed marriage or any long term relationship goals, he's a more go with the flow person, and I don't know how to bring up this conversation even ( I know I need to work on my communication skills and I'm planning to)

how can I navigate this, any advice is highly appreciated

tldr: I’m questioning my year-long relationship with my boyfriend because of his career delay, secrecy, and our differing timelines, and I’m torn between staying or breaking up, fearing I might be sabotaging something good.

[NuevoYorko]

It would not be "sabotaging" something good if you broke up because of the reasons you stated. Those are very solid reasons for choosing to end a relationship.  On 3 serious issues you feel that you are incompatible.  

So, even though you really like each other and get along,  it's not unlikely that this is not your future husband.  Since you want to be married within the next few years, it may be a good idea to free yourself up to look for someone who is on the same timeline for marriage and children, does not have a career delay and is not going to keep you a secret.

So, should you choose to break up - do not think of it as "sabotage."

[Gebidozo]

You have legitimate concerns about this relationship and I don’t think breaking up would be “sabotaging” anything.

You do seem to have serious incompatibility issues with your BF. To be honest, him not telling his parents about you out of fear of what they might think (?) is the behavior of a 13-year old middle school kid, not a grown up man you’d want to build a relationship with.

It’s completely normal to have a 5-year timeframe plan for getting married. There is always room for compromise (for example, the partner needs 1 more year and you’re fine with that), but if he isn’t even onboard with your vision of the future, why see him as a candidate at all?

Please don’t have fear. You only need to find one person to be happy with, and if this person appears after you have found 172 people incompatible and broken up with them, then so be it. 
 

Edited September 19, 2024 by Gebidozo

[BaileyB]

Personally, I would put it on the table and see how he responds. I would simply state my goals - I want a partner, I want to meet your family, I want to live together, I want to be married by this age and have children. How about you? His answer should tell you everything you need to know to make your own decision.

The fact that he’s in school and won’t have a “real job” until he is thirty wouldn’t bother me too much if he is studying to have a profession with a lot of opportunity and earning power in the end. I would be more concerned about the family dynamic - it sounds like his parent’s  opinion matters very much to him and he is not mature enough to chart his own path without their approval. That is going to be a problem in any relationship. I would also be concerned about the incompatibility - if you are a planner and he is go with the flow - that can work to your advantage or it will really not. Have you ever lived with him? How do you get along when you are together on a daily basis - planning meals and doing the dishes, etc… These things are really important and if you are too dissimilar, it’s a fundamental incompatibility. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't be able to date a 30-year-old who has to hide a relationship from his parents, for any reason. 

 

[Leihla_B]

I'd never settle for being kept a secret---not for any length of time, much less for years.

I'd discuss these incompatibles with BF and tell him, while I can understand his limitations, I really need to move forward toward my own goals. If he ever feels able to include me in his life and introduce me to his family, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.