Getting over my (crazy? ex girlfriend. Can anyone figure this out.

[SummerSeason]

Hi everyone,

I'm trying to get a hold of what happened to in my last relationship. My ex girlfriend, who I was in a on/off relationship for about a year, I could never figure her out. Here are some mysteries to me about her;

1 ) She could never explain what she liked about me in words. When asked, she could only name a few simple positive things. I could make a whole list about what I liked about her.
2 ) She gaslighted me now and then and I can't figure out why she did that. She would deny any gaslighting, anything she did bad either never happened or I interpreted it wrong according to her.
3 ) Whenever she wasn't getting her way, or if she said something bad (again) to me, I ended up being the one apologizing, because I didn't like to fight and was afraid to lose her.
4 ) She continually wanted if not demanded a lot of positive attention, but when I asked this in return, she would tell me it's not normal for a man to ask for affection, attention, compliments etc.
5 ) I practically paid everything in our relationship. I don't know how she did it, and I must also blame myself for allowing this to happen. I was just so scared to be alone I did anything for her.
6 ) She met my mother and my sister only once during that year, while I saw her mom weekly if not more often, I saw some of her other family members more often than mine at one point. As if she didn't want to meet my family, friends etc. I ended up almost not seeing my own family anymore, she would consume my attention so much there was hardly any time.
7 ) Whenever confronting her about the fact that she continually made hurtful remarks about me, her saying that I wasn't good at this or that, or whatever I did or had created wasn't good enough, her being overly perfectionistic and demanding, wanting massages at 01:00 at night while I had to work the next day, wanting to be served food, drinks, too lazy to close or open the window at night if she felt too cold or hot, hell, she even made me so insecure I couldn't perform properly in bed and if so much hinted that she was making me insecure she would become upset and told me I'm the problem and there's something wrong with me.
8 ) She never had any attention for me, this one hurt me a lot, for example whenever we were traveling it felt like I was just there with her, not as a couple, I was just there as a taxi driver an servant. All attention was to be directed to her and it wasn't 'manly' according to her to want anything she wanted.
9 ) She openly criticized me to her mom when I was sitting right next to her/them. She spoke in a foreign language with her mom, but I could tell she was talking bad about me, same when they were on the phone and since I couldn't speak to her mom in their language, I could never defend myself and tell her mom the real truth.
10 ) Whenever I wanted to talk to her about my (negative) emotions she would often become very upset and tell me that it's my problem. While I was always there to support her and help her, even help her mom. I just don't understand why she treated me the way she did.

Could it be she is suffering from a mental illness? Please help me out. And to put the final nail in the coffin, she would tell me that I was the one who 'mentally sick', call me bipolar etc. Well, of course I get upset if you talk this bad about me, in my face and presence. If I ask her why she wanted to be with me, the answer would be empty or gibberish.

Someone please put my in the right direction because she got me thinking I'm the crazy one. It's been months since I blocked her, but she still occupies and even instills a bit of fear in my mind. I was never upset with her, until she became upset with me many times for no reason, I failed to respond to it properly and assertively, and let her walk all over me. I get a severe emotional block every time just thinking about her. I'm just so hurt, and so upset, I feel so sad.

Thanks!

[ExpatInItaly]

25 minutes ago, SummerSeason said:

she got me thinking I'm the crazy one.

Well, it is pretty crazy to have this whole laundry list of red flags and stick around for an entire (on-off) year. 

Forget trying to figure out what's wrong with her. You will never really have a definitive answer there. Turn inwards instead - what's going on inside you that you tolerated this and hung around so long? 

Understanding the answer to that question will bring you a lot more peace and progress, in the end. 

 

 

[SummerSeason]

Hi well I'm trying to figure this thing out because like I said I was blamed for pretty much everything, and I don't wish to be left thinking that I am the one who was 'wrong'. I feel like not really taking my side here. I am and was already in therapy, I've been so for quite a few years since my dad used to treat me similarly (he's not alive anymore).

Yes, it's good to look into why I allowed this to happen. But please don't make me think that I'm the crazy one, it hurts me to hear that (again).

@GebidozoYour reaction is very aggressive. How do you think that makes me feel? Supported? How do you think your reaction will come across if you said this to my face in real?

@ExpatInItalyI'll see what moved me to tolerate this relationship, I have come to understand that I have a deep fear of being alone, or worse, staying alone forever. This was my first relationship ever, and I'm not exactly that young anymore. I wanted a girlfriend all my life, but somehow I never managed to, probably due to other fears or wrong beliefs, lack of self confidence and intimacy in the family when growing up etc. the list goes on. 

My conclusion so far is to work on my self respect. Yeah I will keep a firm eye on not falling into the traps anymore. But it's important to me to have it clear that whatever happened and what 'people did to me' isn't something that I created nor deliberately asked for. This is what I feel like would bring me peace, knowing it's not me who is the crazy one.

[basil67]

I believe labels such as "crazy" (be it you or her) or trying to diagnose someone does more harm than good so I won't be going down that path

The long and short of it was that she treated you in a way which you found unacceptable.   You did exactly the right thing by raising the issue with her, but her lack of acknowledgement of how her behaviour was affecting you was the sign you need to exit the relationship.   Also that the relationship was on/off is another sign that it wasn't a good relationship.

Why did she treat you this way?   None of us can tell you, but one consideration is that bad behaviour is often learned and so to the abuser, it's normal.  Perhaps she grew up seeing her father behaving badly and it became her normal?   Honestly, the only person who would have the real answers would be her therapist (if she had one and was honest about her behaviour)

[MsJayne]

Sorry to hear you're experiencing this. How was the relationship during the first 3 months? Did she start out all loving and charming and then gradually turn into a rude, critical, inconsiderate, entitled, self-centered harridan who turned on the charm when she wanted something? If you woke up after only a year, well done, many people stick around for this type of abuse much, much longer. I suggest doing some reading about covert narcissism, it may not apply to your ex, but having difficulty moving on because of a lingering sense of injustice and confusion can often be a symptom of certain types of abuse. Below is an extract from a reputable source. 

**Identifying Covert Narcissism in Relationships

Recognizing covert narcissism within relationships requires you to tune into subtle behavioral patterns. Some signs to watch for include a consistent need for validation, a lack of genuine empathy, manipulation through guilt or pity, and an inclination to control situations. In dating, marriage, or other relationships, red flags may include feeling like you are walking on eggshells, being emotionally drained, or a constant imbalance in the relationship dynamics. 

Another example is when a covert narcissist doesn't get their way or a partner sets a boundary with them, they are likely to subtly turn things around to make their partner feel like they are the one asking too much or is difficult to please when it was a reasonable request or boundary.**

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, SummerSeason said:

But please don't make me think that I'm the crazy one, it hurts me to hear that (again).

You aren't the "crazy one" and I didn't say that. 

You have some underlying problems that need to be worked on, though. That much is clear since you clung on to a very toxic relationship.

1 hour ago, SummerSeason said:

This is what I feel like would bring me peace, knowing it's not me who is the crazy one.

Why does anyone need tp be the crazy one? She obviously treated you like crap. Clearly she has a boatload of issues of her own. But we can't (and shouldn't) attempt to armchair diagnose her. That would be irresponsible and frankly pretty silly since none of us know her and we are not professional therapists. 

That is why I said that it's largely a waste of time trying to figure out what her mental problems are. We don't know, and you will never get a clear answer there. The best you can do is tackle your own issues and making better choices moving forward.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, SummerSeason said:

GebidozoYour reaction is very aggressive. How do you think that makes me feel? Supported? How do you think your reaction will come across if you said this to my face in real?

Sorry, man. That wasn’t my intention. But if you were my friend, I’d tell you the same to your face. You were emotionally abused, and you let your abuser get away with that for a year. I think you need therapy so that you’ll understand that you should never let this happen to you again. You shouldn’t be wondering whether she is crazy or not. I mean, yes, sure, she is. But it’s not about her, it’s about you. I don’t know how to say that in a milder form. Please get help.

Edited September 18, 2024 by Gebidozo

[jasonblackheart01]

Simple, she just got bored with you. Your relationship doesn't excite her anymore and she wants out that's simple. She felt suffocated, like a cat in a cage wanting to get out. She wants freedom where she can enjoy new things where she can get excited again. Well, if you want her back, just wait for a few weeks or years, when she throw her new toy and got bored again, maybe you can entertain her?