Author SunshineSt Posted September 18, 2024 Author Posted September 18, 2024 6 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I would reply that after giving it some thought I realize I am much more disappointed than I let on and to recover from this disappointment I need some time to myself. He can huff and puff all he wants, you're the one hurting, not him. We have a dinner planned this Friday. Maybe I can do it face 2 face
Gaeta Posted September 18, 2024 Posted September 18, 2024 @SunshineSt I would not do that face to face. I would be pretty mad at this man for leading me on for 6.5 months. It takes about 3 months for someone to know if there is a romantic interest. This man knew his feelings would not metamorphose in feelings of love but he kept cruising along until he could not play that game anymore and told you. 1
Author SunshineSt Posted September 18, 2024 Author Posted September 18, 2024 He told me from the start that he wanted to take things slowly due to his hurt from his previous relationship. And as I have been hurt a lot as well, it sounded “safe” to me. I also want to get to know people very well before I decide on a relationship. So I’m not sure if I “can” be mad at him
Gaeta Posted September 18, 2024 Posted September 18, 2024 (edited) Taking things slow means emotionally unavailable. These people will not fall in love with you. They will lick their wounds while with you then when they feel better about themselves they'll discard you and search for the person that will rock their world. We see stories like this everything on here. And many of us experienced it. You've learn through this that even if you were hurt in the past you are still capable of growing feelings. Because of that you should stay away from men that want to take it slow, go with the flow, not in a hurry - that's all code for my heart is unavailable and I will eventually hurt you. Of course you want to know someone well before getting in a serious relationship, it's called *dating* but you need to date people that are emotionally available to grow feeling for you and with you. Edited September 18, 2024 by Gaeta
Author SunshineSt Posted September 18, 2024 Author Posted September 18, 2024 I understand. I don’t think he “used” me to feel better about himself. He told me he doesn’t want to keep me hanging. I wanted to give him the time to become emotionally available.
stillafool Posted September 18, 2024 Posted September 18, 2024 4 minutes ago, SunshineSt said: I wanted to give him the time to become emotionally available. It sounds like you still do even after he's rejected you as a romantic partner. There's something in knowing when to let go. 1
Gaeta Posted September 18, 2024 Posted September 18, 2024 That's the thing with dating. You have people that will use you on purpose and those that will use you without knowing or wanting to use you. Like this man did not start dating you to 'use you' but a smart dater would know better than to date an emotionally unavailable man. Sometimes people don't lie to us, but they lie to themselves and we have to be able to identify that. I have been across men barely out of 25 some years of marriage swearing to me they were ready to date. At the time they told me this they believed in their heart they were ready to date but I knew better and I stayed away. None of this is lost, it's how we gain experience and wisdom. You are learning quite a bit through this. 1
Author SunshineSt Posted September 18, 2024 Author Posted September 18, 2024 True, but from the start he said that he didn’t want to jump into a relationship. And that was fine because I didn’t want that either. I didn’t give him a deadline or so, but his push and pull did make me a bit insecure. I’m afraid that’s why he decided to quit in the end.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 18, 2024 Posted September 18, 2024 It is a very bad idea to have dinner with this man. You want more. He doesn't. You are going to wind up hurt and sad all over again. Why do this to yourself? 4
stillafool Posted September 18, 2024 Posted September 18, 2024 2 hours ago, SunshineSt said: I didn’t give him a deadline or so, but his push and pull did make me a bit insecure. I’m afraid that’s why he decided to quit in the end. You're right, he quit because he could feel that your feelings for him exceeded his feelings for you. Why would you want to be his friend after this?
NuevoYorko Posted September 18, 2024 Posted September 18, 2024 7 hours ago, SunshineSt said: Is it so easy for men to switch from romantic to platonic? He did not like you in a romantic way. You are the one who told us that. 7 hours ago, SunshineSt said: thank you for your answers, which have been very clear. Now I need to bring him the news, which is not easy of course.. What? What news? That people on the Internet said that the two of you are unlikely to have a lifetime friendship of great depth? Why would that be important for him to know? I mean, if he wanted to hear what Internet strangers think, he'd be here himself. If YOU like hanging out with him - hang out with him. Just nip your expectations and romantic notions in the bud. 1
Gebidozo Posted September 18, 2024 Posted September 18, 2024 10 hours ago, SunshineSt said: Is it so easy for men to switch from romantic to platonic? Depends how strong the romantic emotions were in the first place. But sure, if the romantic feeling was pretty weak or just nascent to begin with, the attraction can go away pretty fast in some cases. We aren’t machines, we can honestly like a girl romantically, have something with her, and then get turned off and lose those romantic feelings. It could be anything - core values not being the same, lack of intellectual connection, poor sexual compatibility, lifestyle differences, annoying character traits… It’s the same for both genders, we can like someone and then not like them anymore. 1
Gebidozo Posted September 18, 2024 Posted September 18, 2024 7 hours ago, SunshineSt said: True, but from the start he said that he didn’t want to jump into a relationship. For the future, please remember: whenever a man says he doesn’t want to jump into a relationship, in 80% or so of the cases it means he isn’t interested in you romantically and just wants to keep you for sex or as a backup option. In the remaining 20% of the cases it means that the guy still can’t get over his ex or serious past traumas or some such, which means that he isn’t available emotionally and you shouldn’t be dating him anyway. 2
Acacia98 Posted September 28, 2024 Posted September 28, 2024 On 9/17/2024 at 7:22 PM, SunshineSt said: Question remains…. He rejected me, why the hell would he want to build a friendship. I don't know why, but to me, the fact that you are asking this question on this forum suggests that you would benefit from a clean break. If the transition from dating to friendship with this guy was organic and made sense to you, you wouldn't be here trying to make sense of his actions with a bunch of strangers.
Acacia98 Posted September 28, 2024 Posted September 28, 2024 On 9/19/2024 at 12:18 AM, NuevoYorko said: What? What news? That people on the Internet said that the two of you are unlikely to have a lifetime friendship of great depth? Why would that be important for him to know? I mean, if he wanted to hear what Internet strangers think, he'd be here himself. I think that by "the news" she means that she can't be friends with him.
BaileyB Posted September 28, 2024 Posted September 28, 2024 This friendship is likely to end as soon as either one of you start dating someone else. The reason - the other person is likely to have a problem with the fact that you are hanging out with your “ex” as a “friend.” you also won’t have the time to spend with your friend when you are in another relationship. Personally, I wouldn’t invest too much time here because you should be focusing your energies where you want to focus your time and energy. When that is dating, I would want to free up the time to find and build the relationship that you want - an actual romantic relationship with a nice man. Maybe he is keeping you around with the thought that someday he may be ready for a relationship… or maybe not. Either way - you do what is best for you, because I doubt that this friendship is going to be long term.
Author SunshineSt Posted September 30, 2024 Author Posted September 30, 2024 I saw him with the dinner and i didn't have the guts to break off the "friendship". I'm sorry guys. I don't know how to do it, I really don't know. Also because I value him quite a lot, and I don't like kicking people out of my life
Gaeta Posted September 30, 2024 Posted September 30, 2024 58 minutes ago, SunshineSt said: I saw him with the dinner and i didn't have the guts to break off the "friendship". I'm sorry guys. I don't know how to do it, I really don't know. Also because I value him quite a lot, and I don't like kicking people out of my life Hey! that's alright. I know you will remember what was said here and think about it along your journey.
Author SunshineSt Posted September 30, 2024 Author Posted September 30, 2024 Thank you, Gaeta. Based on the previous reactions I was a bit scared to share this. I'm such a stupid goat sometimes!! I now try to start hating him. Telling myself he doesn't want to be friends. Maybe that works?
stillafool Posted September 30, 2024 Posted September 30, 2024 3 hours ago, SunshineSt said: I saw him with the dinner and i didn't have the guts to break off the "friendship". I'm sorry guys. I don't know how to do it, I really don't know. Also because I value him quite a lot, and I don't like kicking people out of my life It sounds like you've fallen in love with him. You are a grown woman. If you wanted to break off the friendship you would. You just don't want to give him up and are still hopeful he will fall for you. He won't even if you continue having sex with him. 1
Author SunshineSt Posted September 30, 2024 Author Posted September 30, 2024 (edited) Auch, that is a bit (and unnecessary) harsh. Of course this men does something with me. I wouldn’t have dated him for a couple of months if it wouldn’t! However imo there is a grey area between friendship and in love. And even in case of friendship, it’s not easy to throw people out of your lives. Let alone in that grey are. Perhaps it is for you but not for me. So even if definitely agree that I would be way more quicker over this situation if I would, it is not as easy as you say. Especially since he truly acts as a friend. He is kind, shows me that he cares about me, doesn’t ghost me, etc. And no, he doesn’t ask for sex. He acts as a true friend. And I wish I could keep him into my life while focusing myself on others, as I value people who acts as true friends. Edited September 30, 2024 by SunshineSt
basil67 Posted September 30, 2024 Posted September 30, 2024 4 hours ago, SunshineSt said: I saw him with the dinner and i didn't have the guts to break off the "friendship". I'm sorry guys. I don't know how to do it, I really don't know. Also because I value him quite a lot, and I don't like kicking people out of my life So what are you going to do when you get a new boyfriend who rightfully objects to you having close buddy time with your ex? You may even meet a really good guy and then lose him because he's not into having girlfriends with exes who tag along. C'mon you know this isn't sustainable Further, you're not "kicking him out of your life". You're just finishing the ending which he started 1
Leihla_B Posted September 30, 2024 Posted September 30, 2024 6 hours ago, SunshineSt said: I saw him with the dinner and i didn't have the guts to break off the "friendship". I'm sorry guys. I don't know how to do it, I really don't know. Also because I value him quite a lot, and I don't like kicking people out of my life It's okay. You're taking the long road and the hard way to learn why clean breaks are actually easier, but that's not against the law. Good luck. 2
Gebidozo Posted October 1, 2024 Posted October 1, 2024 6 hours ago, SunshineSt said: I now try to start hating him. Telling myself he doesn't want to be friends. Maybe that works? Nope. Hatred is just the ugly twin sister of love. If you are able to be so emotional about this guy, it means that you do have romantic feelings for him. It’s okay, it’s not your fault. Sometimes we fall for the wrong people. Let some time pass, but do try at least to minimize your contact with him. Focus on other aspects of your life - your hobbies, your work, your friends. Your goal should be to stop caring about him so much, to become more indifferent. That is way easier to achieve when he isn’t around.
FredEire Posted October 1, 2024 Posted October 1, 2024 He may well be a genuinely decent guy and genuinely want to be your friend, I think people are suggesting the friendship may be a bad idea as it's clearly not as platonic on your end, and it will affect your ability to get over him and meet someone else. If you spend years pining for him while he is just your friend and is with other people, you're not being fair to yourself. If you think you can just be mates with no romantic thoughts on your end have at it, but it doesn't seem that way from what you've described.
Recommended Posts