My B/F Keeps Talking&Dreaming About Being With His Ex&Keeps Her Poems But Not Mine

[NightsInWhiteSatin]

My b/f and i have been together now for 6 months i'm his longest relationship and first love...apparently.

 

A few years before he met me when he was alot younger he had a crush on a girl for about 5yrs, and they had a 'thing' which lasted not even 4 months really and she ended up giving some guy a BJ so they ended up falling out and being just friends.

 

In a box under his bed he has all the letters they'd written to eachother while she was at uni, receipts, poems, cinema tickets etc lots of memoirs.

 

I keep lots of memoirs from all occasions and i have lots from him that i keep in a box separatly from the rest, things like birthday cards from him i really dont want to throw away etc. When i told him about me keeping little memoirs from him he said ' I haven't kept any memoirs from you or to do with us because i dont like to because when i find memoirs from people it reminds me of what should and shouldn't have been like i found a receipt from my ex the other day with a poem she wrote for me on the back and when i touched it and read it i got tingles. '.....which i don't know about anyone else but to me that suggests there's still feelings for her there.

 

It's not just that that's bothering me, he talks about her a hell of a lot and even at a meal with his friends him and his best mate had a whole discussion about her saying how much and how long he'd really fancied her and how heartbroken he was when she'd done this and that. His best mates girlfriend had to tell them both to shuttup they were going that far it was as if i wasnt even there and i wasnt his girlfriend and he was single and having a talk about his ex. He gets really upset and hurt and angry when he talks about her and in a way i get the feeling he misses her too. To me that suggests there a still feelings there.

 

A few months ago i was with him when he found out that this girl had gotten married and had a baby and he couldn't shuttup about for the next few days afterwards saying he couldnt believe she'd got married etc but not in the 'oh my god wow' type of way but in the way that it kinda bugged him.

 

Now, i've just got off the phone to him and he's just said ' I had a really weird dream last night, i dreamt i went back to college this year and my ex was a teacher there and we were a couple and she was teaching me aswell ' (which is what she wanted to be..a teacher that is)

 

This is kinda starting to bother me a little more and a little more each time something like this happens. Sometimes i feel like he wishes he'd forgiven her and stayed with her rather than be with me now. It's gotten that way that i'm really tempted to say something to him about it but i dont want to come across a paranoid, jealous g/f because i believe im being quite rational and not making something out of nothing and i dont want us to argue either. It's got that way now that i feel anytime now he's going to turn round and call me by her name. Please if anyone has any advice it'd be much appreciated, thankyou.

[itwontdawnsooner]

i dont think youre being paranoid/jealous if this guy keeps bringing up his ex, has dreams about her, and get sort of ticked off that shes married and talks about her to friends. youre not being paranoid, and you shouldnt have to put up with that. if hes doing the above, she is on his mind more than she should be - YOU should be on his mind now.

 

from what youve written, he doesn't sound over her. it sounds like he's just a few steps away from calling you her name! youre being totally rational, and you have every right, and better, talk to him about it because its important. very very important. do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is stuck in the past? and not in your present? with you?

[Walk]

If it were a perfect world, I'd say dump his azz and tell him where to shove it. He's not over his ex, and it sounds as if he's built her up to such immense proportions that a real human could never compete with this dream of her.

 

I'd talk with him about this, but I think you'll just get a lot of excuses and denials regarding his feelings about her. You are right in how you feel, his actions are showing that you are NOT number one in his priority.

 

My other thought is... How much more of an insensitive jerk can he be?!?! He's so blinded by his feelings for this girl that he can't have the common decency to realize that this would hurt you, make you feel less. Talking about her all the time, keeping her "gifts", telling you about dreams he's had of her... A decent human being would understand that this would hurt someone they love. It doesn't sound as if he even cares how you feel about it, or even think that his actions may cause you harm. He's not thinking of you at all in this.

 

As far as the dream.. I've had dreams of my ex, that we were back together and I woke feeling extremely unsettled and upset by it. I don't know why I had the dream, but I sure wasn't feeling happy and wishful about it. Even though the dream was somewhat along the lines of what your bf described, my reactions to it were the polar opposite of how your bf is acting. And worse yet, he then tells you about this dream!! What an azz!!!!!! Uncaring, insenstive, jerk!

 

Sorry. I think you need to confront this head on, and right now. I understand you don't want to topple the apple cart, but your relationship is more of a facade then actual real love from him. He can't love you when he's still in love with his ex, even if he's only in love with a dream. You have a false sense of security in this relationship. You don't want to cause problems, but he has caused them. You need to act on these feelings.

 

Question. Would you rather be single, or in a relationship even if your partner does not return your love?

[EnigmaXOXO]

It would bother me too.

 

It seems as if hanging onto his bitterness and pain is a way of hanging onto the relationship. Unrequited love does that to some folks, and keeps them obsessed and trapped in their past rather then allowing them to grow up and move on.

 

I can only imagine how uncomfortable it must be spending too much time around a moaning sad sack like this. While you're looking to enjoy a new relationship, they're looking for a rebound 'quick fix' or a sounding board so that they can exercise their past relationship demons.

 

Yuck.

 

You said his friends have already called him on his obsessing … but have you expressed your feelings regarding how his constant harping about the ex is starting to affect you?

[clandestinidad]

UGH!!! What a crappy 'boyfriend'!!! I agree with all of the above.

 

I also wanted to say, even though it might sting a little, that I dont think he loves you or will be capable of loving ANYone until he gets over this and lets it go.

 

I think he's just in a relationship w/ you b/c you are there. Maybe just to be with someone/anyone.

 

This is NOOO reflection on YOU, though, girl!! I think he just wants to be in a relationship and have someone there...otherwise he's ALONE and MISERABLE thinking about her. Why be alone when you can be with someone?!

 

I think you should confront him about this whole thing, and your instincts will tell you whats going on based on his responses. I think your instincts are right already, but maybe you need more info.

[Tangerina]

Hmmm.... I just want to venture that I doubt he really is in love with her or anything, or if he had the chance if he would even really go back with her... it is just that the first one can leave a really big impression on you, y'know. My BF kind of has the same thing for his ex and it really bothered me (and still does a little sometimes) until I realized that it was 99% nostalgia and he doesn't think very highly of the real life, present day her, is mad at her for lying to him and cheating on him... and he doesn't really even keep in touch with her... he has seen her once since we started dating... and that was at my house with me there and she really offended him by being rude on that occasion and I don't really think he is going to even call her again... so anyways, the point of that is that their present day relationship is pretty much non-existant and bordering on awkward/hostile. Their romantic relationship ended badly 2 years ago... but when things were good between them it was really good and he has a lot of fond memories, he learned a lot with her and it was really exciting because they were 17 and in love and you know how that is.... so now I realize when he tells little stories or talks fondly about her he is talking about 17 year old her and the fond memories.... not any real present day thing....

 

Now, it is crappy that your BF does all of that, but have you told him that it bothers you? He might not understand or realize what he is doing... In his head maybe, in spite of the nostalgia, things really are over between them and he is in love with you so talking about her is really casual to him and maybe it just comes up and he doesn't think twice... I would say talk to him about it. My BF and I talk about exes a lot (y'know, like if it comes up naturally like something reminds you of something funny that happened with an ex or whatever) and sometimes I think we do accidentall cross lines and make the other uncomfortable... and honestly I am not very fond of it when he talks about that particular ex and was actually going to ask him to stop talking about her until we had this one convo where I realized the whole thing about the nostalgia, but I know he would have stopped if I had asked... the point is maybe you just need to tell him because he doesn't know it is bothering you...

 

 

I have no idea if any of this fits your situation, I just wanted to add another perspective.

[Tangerina]

PS I also want to say that sometimes the ones that are hardest to let go of are the ones that end badly... it is possible that he is holding onto the hurt of being betrayed more than he is holding onto her as a person... either way he needs to get over it, but just a thought....

[dnm1010]

my fiancee did that too when we just started dating.. he didnt do it to be mean or to bug me, he just did it without thinking.. until one day i flipped out and told him i am never going to be his ex and i am pretty damn proud that im nothing like her etc... i told him to stop talking about her etc.. and he did. he told me he didnt realize he was talking about her so much and didnt realize it was getting to me and since then everything has been great and its been a few yrs.

 

talk to him.

[Mary3]

I agree with ALL the posters above ! I would also realize you are going to lose with this whiner who is NOT over his ex.

 

He is biding time and you are the rebound zone .

 

Get the ball and get out ! You will get hurt !

 

He is NOT ready and you are the fall girl

[flowergirl]

Man, I've been in this spot a couple times; I seemed to be the rebound girl for people obsessing over their exes. Man, that is PAINFUL!!! Anyway, it's obvious that's how this guy sees you, and by constantly talking about he past, I think he's trying to get you to break up with him, so he doesn't have to do the dirty work himself, and he can go back to sitting in his room alone, scratching this girl's name into the wall. Give him what he wants, and roll out, and when you do leave, wish him well, and slip him the number of a mental health professional.