After the First Month

[cynicalnlove]

First: I wanted to say, these are strong points for those who have put their ex on a pedestal. Clinging on to that hope that they will come back to you in a different person. These are points that are smack in the face, one that the dumper / dumpee refuses to grasp. Mine is a little different:

 

Again you guys are missing a critical point which holds you back in recovering...what made you gravitate to this person. That's the core, that's the hardest part to deal with because facing that what's underneathe is where the answer lies and confronting means you have no more excuse to cling to fantasy of your "X's".

 

There's no more fantasy. I hated him for what he did. The true question is, could i really forgive myself for giving so much to someone that didn't deserve it. And yes, that is a self - esteem issue. In all reality, I've seen who he really was, and what it has made me. To live a lie, based on his insecurities. There's no pedestal, but the battle of letting go of the "good times"

 

 

If you took the same amount of time to ask yourself why did I project this ideal image on this person in the first place? The answer could be many reasons but somewhere there's how you feel about yourself. If you make that person a god or goddess, aren't you by nature feeling like 'wow, I must be special because that perfect person wants me.' You (and includes me and most others who have been in this emotional quagmire after a crushing breakup) allowed your identity to be tied to this person. We gave our self esteem over to someone and overlooked their flaws because our self-image is quite low. Doesn't mean you don't look good, doesn't mean that you aren't successful with your work, or that you don't have a fab body, car house..still our own self image is so low that we place someone on a pedestal, and we were now worthy of these gods. When the gods leave, since we never worked on our self image but spent so much time building theirs, of course we feel broken. We were running on low self-image!!! So in desperation of NC we want to break it, we feel like hell after 1 month because slowly we are progressing but after being so conditioned that we are nothing without them or can't survive, we artificially still cling to those images as a hope, a last ditch effort if only we could looked upon by that god again and feel a sense of self worth.

 

He was no god... but i had hoped in him. the hope was crushed, he will never change. And that is what I've come to realize. So why am I still thinking about him?

The sooner we confront that we had a hand in building these gods -in-smoke and mirrors, up the sooner it will go away. We know that it was a fantasy now ask yourself why did you put them on that pedestal. And it's alot deeper than a cute smile, and their charms...

 

Yeah, he had understood my mind.. he knew every soft spot and in time learned how to control it, like what he's doing now... If there was a way that I could figure out changing me to the better, one that he didn't know.. I will win over this break-up.

 

Now, its all a game. A game between us, of how long it will take to finally be clean of this - and look back.. and say, i've made it. It just a matter of time, and we will eventually figure out the equations.

[riobikini]

:) :) :)

[riobikini]

RE:

 

The hardest part is, to let go completely. It's like accepting the death of a loved one.. putting everything away as if they never existed. And to me, that is hard. It's like putting away a part of myself also, a part which i've shared with this man... AND that part needs to let go.

 

There is no love given that is wasted.

 

You can rationalize and come to a decision about why splitting up permanently is the right thing to do based on bad behavior, types of abuse, and all the ways you just aren't a good fit, -but you can NEVER rationalize LOVE.

 

Love changes you.

 

It never sees the 'bad' stuff.

 

It just goes head-long into the future taking your poor heart with it.

 

That's where getting your HEAD on straight comes in.

 

You have to make rational decisions about what your heart is feeling.

 

And that's where the pain comes from: the struggle between the rational and the romantic.

 

Eventually you have to do what's right for you.

 

But love doesn't simply 'forget' who it's loved.

 

It keeps it's battle scars when it 'loses'.

 

Love has a memory that doesn't just 'go away'.

 

The strangely 'funny' thing is, when love loses, it still wins.

 

Because as much as the pain of the struggle hurt you, -as agonizing as it was, -it was something good for you.

 

Even while it still struggles to stay alive during it's impending defeat, -even after it's bleeding surrender, even while it nurses and heals it's battle wounds, and years later, showing all it's old scars, -it somehow won.

 

Love has the unique ability to give you something good even when it isn't chosen.

 

Love always wins.

 

Always.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[In Sync]

He was no god... but i had hoped in him. the hope was crushed, he will never change. And that is what I've come to realize. So why am I still thinking about him?

 

 

...you think about him because you are human, you have a soul and you had a past with him. Real or illusion, part of you were enmmeshed with him. The longer that space, time, seeing it for what it was in the light will eventually cause you to come to a time where you've digested it and realize there is no more to analyze. It was what it was. Any more energy put into thinking about him, will hinder your growth...it's simply not resourceful to spend your time there.

[cynicalnlove]

Before, our first break up i had such a hard time dealing. Does it happen to you? How, you're just going on your everday life then BAM!! something hits you in the pit of your stomach out of no where. and that was from missing him. It last sometimes -minutes to hours. I use to get that often; when i could feel my heart literally tear.

 

Now this is the final and second breakup - and the funny thing is.. I do think about him. I'm curious about my ex and what's he doing. I still do think about him.. but the craziest thing is. I don't miss him as much these days. Actually, I am in this numb state of mind and the memories are fading. But then I find myself sad at the very thought that I don't love him as much anymore or the fact that I'm forgetting about him. That there's no hurt nor love ~ and the craziest thing is I'm sad about it. I'm sad that my "hurt" feelings have left me, I'm sad that I don't think of him or that he's not in my life in that way.. or hardly even in my mind. I use to dream of him, now I don't. what does that mean? I should be happy that I'm moving foward, but i'm not. Am i addicted to him?? the misery he's caused? Or is it just that I'm not use to feeling good like this?

[In Sync]

Before, our first break up i had such a hard time dealing. Does it happen to you? How, you're just going on your everday life then BAM!! something hits you in the pit of your stomach out of no where. and that was from missing him. It last sometimes -minutes to hours. I use to get that often; when i could feel my heart literally tear.

 

Now this is the final and second breakup - and the funny thing is.. I do think about him. I'm curious about my ex and what's he doing. I still do think about him.. but the craziest thing is. I don't miss him as much these days. Actually, I am in this numb state of mind and the memories are fading. But then I find myself sad at the very thought that I don't love him as much anymore or the fact that I'm forgetting about him. That there's no hurt nor love ~ and the craziest thing is I'm sad about it. I'm sad that my "hurt" feelings have left me, I'm sad that I don't think of him or that he's not in my life in that way.. or hardly even in my mind. I use to dream of him, now I don't. what does that mean? I should be happy that I'm moving foward, but i'm not. Am i addicted to him?? the misery he's caused? Or is it just that I'm not use to feeling good like this?

 

Try to look at it in a different perspective. The more time and distance you have allowed yourself is actually working for you. You are moving away from your addiction or need for him to be the one to make you happy. You are at a state where the images of your relationship are coming back to you without the false illusions. So as you replay the images again and again they are shedding new light on what the relationship was for you, for each individual. The sadness (and I have it too) is because we are not so wound up like a tight screw but seeing how it was with it's good and bad moments. Naturally you will feel sadness, as it's a part of your life that you are leaving behind. You aren't a separate entity from your past but now you are not fighting against it..the 'fighting against' it is the hurt and agony we went through when not accepting that the relationship has ended. The relationship is beginning to resolve itself in the subconscious.

It is true when you say you are not use to feeling good. We were so long in a cycle of tension, that we became use to it. Replaying the breakup over and over in our minds in the stage when we first broke up and dealing with it, made us reinforce the pain over and over. Breaking NC, reinforced more pain, replaying everything our "X's" said to us reinforced the pain. So our bodies and minds became use to all this hurt...it does feel unusual to feel free of it. So we go back to our memories which sort of bring back our longings and again reinforces the pain of being heartbroken again. Now is the time to ease away from those images through the constant dwelling..by focusing on other aspects and positive surroundings in our lives. The memories of the "X's" will always be there but I don't have to be controlled by them any longer.