After the First Month

[cynicalnlove]

Gosh, It was really easy for me to do NC.. I've tried many times to hold on to the anger I had with my ex. The first month was pretty easy. I had kept myself busy during the holidays, but somehow the feelings creped up on me. At night I think about him. I've tried and tried to think of all the bad things to hold the anger, but somehow it just doesn't subside the feeling of missing him. I wake up with that feeling, and I go on my days doing things normally. Than at night - in invades my mind. I've read previous threads and its been months and months for you guys. The first month was easy, I was happy letting it go. i was excited to start a new life. However, It's been about a month and I feel like I'm back to square one, but worse. I miss him, and wonder if there was a time when he would think about me - The only thing that keeps me from not thinking about him is that he's probably lying with someone else while I thought about him. It works for like an hour; than I go into a frantic mode wondering if he is. Is there an easy way? What do you guys do when you have those feelings. And now it seems to be every night when before I don't think about him at all. Whats going on?

[itwontdawnsooner]

its hitting you for real now. youre going through another stage of getting over it, and its a damn painful one. theres no easy way to get through it, you just have to. you can try focusing on something else, thought-wise, on the bad times, coach yourself mentally into thinking its the past, i dont need it, everythings ok im fine, im still here, still breathing - go for a walk, drive (not if youre too emotional to drive, though, be safe), as hard as it is try not to focus on it. acknowledge youre going to miss him, but that doesnt mean he's right for you or you need to contact him. miss from afar and let it slowly fade. what youre going through is not abnormal at all, so dont think that. youre going through it one day at a time

[brooke7777]

Oh the ups and downs have begun! I'm at month 5 and I'm still going through the ups and downs. I will have a few days in a row where I think wow I am really doing good and then all of the sudden bam it feels like you are back at square one...and the pain is so immense. You can't predict when these days will come, but the best is to keep yourself busy. Make yourself a list of things you can do when you start to get real upset. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But make sure you allow yourself plenty of time to greive. You won't even begin to heal and move on if you don't allow yourself plenty of time to cry your heart out. I always find that writing is therapeutic. I write fake letters and don't send them. THis way I can get out all of my emotions without feeling like I am burdening someone and without actually contacting him. This is a hard time for you. Everyone is different and everyone heals at a different rate. Don't put a time limit on how long you are going to feel the way you do, just know that things can only get better. Hang in there.

[Brittanyjean06]

brook! have you gone through this before? or was this man your first love

 

if so wasn't that hard?!

[brooke7777]

I went through this in high school, but to a far lesser extent. I was with a guy for about 2 years in high school and at the time I thought that I was in love with him but as I look back I think that I loved him, but was not in love with him. My recent ex is my first true love...the one that I will always compare everyone else to, the one I will always long for in the back of my mind. My high school break up sucked big time, but NOTHING compared to this one. I think deep down I knew that my high school bf was not the one for me.

[Brittanyjean06]

how long did it take you to get over your first one?( even though it was'nt your true love)---

 

just curious!

 

i keep thinking of songs in my head-

 

hurts so bad

[brooke7777]

A while...we broke up in October of my senior year and I remember still hurtin bad in January...I remember him going to a winter formal with another girl and being completely devastated. We went to different schools but I found out somehow and it stung! I think I was feeling pretty ok by the end of the year, but I remember we hooked up again that summer one night before we went away to college and that messed my head up again. It brought back all of the feelings even though I knew that it was truly over.

[Brittanyjean06]

Ouch, atleast you know you could love again- and you will again after you heal!

[In Sync]

I am just slightly over 2 months of NC, and though the first month and weeks after were hellish, I can honestly say...it feels like a weight has removed from around my heart. I didn't think I could go through a week without calling him, e-mailing him, it was physically painful not to be able to communicate with him. yet my commitment to NC and averting my, redirecting my urges (through prayer and sheer will) to focus on anything other than sending that e-mail...it has paid off. I feel like a person that walked over coals. Do I miss him, actually NO. The idea of him started to fade as I examined the reality of the relationship and how in the end I really wasn't happy. I was convincing myself that I needed him and could not survive without...yet I can. And that's the best feeling. Not to be dependent on someone. Not for him to be my source of happiness. I'm meeting new people, focusing on my work and interest and enjoying not being with someone. I'm enjoying finding me. And I certainly don't want to rush into any kind of relationship now that I am this stage. Give yourself time to explore how you are feeling during this time. it's going to be rough, but the payoff is SO worth it!

[cynicalnlove]

I am just slightly over 2 months of NC, and though the first month and weeks after were hellish, I can honestly say...it feels like a weight has removed from around my heart. I didn't think I could go through a week without calling him, e-mailing him, it was physically painful not to be able to communicate with him. yet my commitment to NC and averting my, redirecting my urges (through prayer and sheer will) to focus on anything other than sending that e-mail...it has paid off. I feel like a person that walked over coals. Do I miss him, actually NO. The idea of him started to fade as I examined the reality of the relationship and how in the end I really wasn't happy. I was convincing myself that I needed him and could not survive without...yet I can. And that's the best feeling. Not to be dependent on someone. Not for him to be my source of happiness. I'm meeting new people, focusing on my work and interest and enjoying not being with someone. I'm enjoying finding me. And I certainly don't want to rush into any kind of relationship now that I am this stage. Give yourself time to explore how you are feeling during this time. it's going to be rough, but the payoff is SO worth it!

 

Thank you all for responding to my post. At least I know that I have some hope. Before I was unsure, saying to myself that he would have to show me something to get me back with him and he did. I had left the door open. Now it saddens me that I have finally closed the door completely and locked it. There's no turning back to my decision based on his actions. As painful as it may be to have reopen that doorway, it takes every ounce of me trying to stay away. He invades my mind, my sleep ~ even in my dreams he controls my emotions. Thank god he doesn't know how he affects me, due to my NC. I go on pretending like everything's ok, but then I come home and find myself thinking of the good times.

 

I do re-analyze everything, and I know that it just would not work but I can't stop that forsaken feeling wondering if he is thinking of me as much as I think of him. Even though we try to not think of it, the question will always be there. Is he happy? Is he with someone else? does he miss me, hate me? What's going on. It's the whole wondering that kills us. My lifestyle is incredibly demanding and busy - but then there are those few minutes in a day, that somehow he manages to push into my thoughts.

 

I wonder if I would be better off not ever meeting him, but I don't believe in regrets. In the future I may be thinking that he had somehow shaped some sort of character for the better, but because it is just the first month.. It is somewhat clouded by the "wondering" part.

[In Sync]

...I wonder if I would be better off not ever meeting him, but I don't believe in regrets. In the future I may be thinking that he had somehow shaped some sort of character for the better, but because it is just the first month.. It is somewhat clouded by the "wondering" part.

 

 

I too used to think this. But no. In life, like it or not we need to have painful moments. AND we will have them, but I also believe it's what each of does with our pain and how we handle it will determine our character, making us weaker in spirit or stronger. We could all buckle and fall and never get over the one we have loss in live in perpetual misery or we can say, how do I make

my day better right now in spite of my loss. We can chose to learn and grow from our hurt or keep it locked inside us and let it fester like poison. In fact I think on hindsight my 'X' was probably in pain about who he was. ( He indeed was a Narcissistic person with very little compassion for anybody extremely judgemental of others, under the guise of joking.) Looking back I think he may

unhappy about himself, constantly comparing himself to others, his weight his looks, his talents...but instead of chosing a positive direction for change he lashed out, he would enjoy charming a person and then being cold to them without explanation. Now for me, this is a person who never examined how do I grow from my hurt, instead he blamed others. His anger and pain festered and it was poisonous and those around him felt the sting of his poison.

So, do I regret meeting him. I wish things had turned out better and it was a happy happy ending, BUT my lesson is on-going...How Do I Become A Better Person In Spite of What Hurt Me!

Simply put I guess without painful moments or some relationships gone sour, would't we all be stuck in Never Never Land...infantile because we were not challenged?

[Brittanyjean06]

Yes, we need painful moments! i meen with out them, how happy would are happy moments be? just the same! you have ups, and you have downs- and a break up is very painful, So painful- this is my first experience with i geusss you can say real pain

 

first love- first pain( in the ass haha)

 

but after your first- i think you are wiser- and even though it might hurt with the next one, well if you got over your first one- you know you can get over your next one...

[cynicalnlove]

I too used to think this. But no. In life, like it or not we need to have painful moments. AND we will have them, but I also believe it's what each of does with our pain and how we handle it will determine our character, making us weaker in spirit or stronger. We could all buckle and fall and never get over the one we have loss in live in perpetual misery or we can say, how do I make

my day better right now in spite of my loss. We can chose to learn and grow from our hurt or keep it locked inside us and let it fester like poison. In fact I think on hindsight my 'X' was probably in pain about who he was. ( He indeed was a Narcissistic person with very little compassion for anybody extremely judgemental of others, under the guise of joking.) Looking back I think he may

unhappy about himself, constantly comparing himself to others, his weight his looks, his talents...but instead of chosing a positive direction for change he lashed out, he would enjoy charming a person and then being cold to them without explanation. Now for me, this is a person who never examined how do I grow from my hurt, instead he blamed others. His anger and pain festered and it was poisonous and those around him felt the sting of his poison.

So, do I regret meeting him. I wish things had turned out better and it was a happy happy ending, BUT my lesson is on-going...How Do I Become A Better Person In Spite of What Hurt Me!

Simply put I guess without painful moments or some relationships gone sour, would't we all be stuck in Never Never Land...infantile because we were not challenged?

 

Yes, Insync - I too remember that you dated the same breed of the narcist. To really think about it, I'm not even sure if it is about him anymore. It was about the jingles on the street and the cold winter nights that haunts me. Perhaps I had wanted to be a hero - that maybe I was the one to have made this man happy. Apparently, I was so blinded by the shrewdness of his character. One that I had refused to see till the very end. And now that it has truly ended; It sucks that I still miss the "good" part of him. The part of him that was all based on a lie, the charms, the "i love you's" when really they are incapable of love. Thinking that everyone is against them. He's probably talking smack about me to some other girl, as he has done with me. And she too, will fall under. Oh well.. I could say that i truly didn't deserve his karma, she on the other hand knew so well that we were together, yet she had done it - to my face, and in that she had deserved to be victimized. Ok, yes that does sound bitter .. feels good to finally vent on his behavior. I cannot keep him on a pedestal. If i could only keep the anguish that I had towards him, I will never forget the "bad" part..

and that was what kept me going on my days.

 

This heartbreak is so little in comparisons to the downfalls of my life, yet it had consumed so much of my time. I wake to think of him, and I go to bed wondering about him. I'm even sitting in front of my comp, talking about him.. wondering how am I going to let this go. So thank you, for helping me to keep my focus on moving foward.

[cynicalnlove]

Yes, we need painful moments! i meen with out them, how happy would are happy moments be? just the same! you have ups, and you have downs- and a break up is very painful, So painful- this is my first experience with i geusss you can say real pain

 

first love- first pain( in the ass haha)

 

but after your first- i think you are wiser- and even though it might hurt with the next one, well if you got over your first one- you know you can get over your next one...

 

 

I've been hurt many times prior to this, most are by betrayal of trust. But none had compared to the manipulation this guy had done to me. It is painful, I agree. In all honesty, I don't know if "he" had been a true love, or someone who i saw a challenged, but have convinced my mind that I have failed. I had expected that I was going to be in the position that I am now, as I have done in the past. It was so easy to get over it before him, but I only wonder why it was so hard to let this one go? I've never had a break-up that was as painful as this. So was it love?

[lauraandbrats]

9 weeks later still hurts me wondering whats she doing why she dont txt me got no credit i guess LOL how come someone who had so much love 4 me can do this i dont no

 

Ive made the big mistake of chasing txting calling buying Xmas presents for her and her kids £500 in total and i didnt even get a card back when i look at it now it shows the LOVE has just gone between us

 

She ent crying like me or not sleeping like me and i ent on her mind 24 7 like she is mine

 

Realy is time to move on and rebuid what ive LOST

 

Lost a lot 2 love but cant stay like this waiting for a TXT to say its cumming back because DONT think it will

 

 

BE STRONG MOVE ON COPE WITH WHAT YOU ENT GOT ANYMORE ITS HARD 9 WEEKS AND I STILL THE SAME THINGS CHANGE TAKES TIME X

[In Sync]

....This heartbreak is so little in comparisons to the downfalls of my life, yet it had consumed so much of my time. I wake to think of him, and I go to bed wondering about him. I'm even sitting in front of my comp, talking about him.. wondering how am I going to let this go. So thank you, for helping me to keep my focus on moving foward.

 

The reason some relationships especially if it's one with a N is difficult to simply get over is because .. by the very nature of being with a N, we were truly in a fantasy relationship that was based on falseness. That could be a applied to a sincere relationship that just faded away, but less so. When your heart and mind believe something that was so real (and in truth it was us putting a person underservingly so on a 'golden' pedestal) we can not believe it when it's over, that all of it was pretty sketchy to begin with. We look back over the time spent with someone and say 'Hey! there was a lot of things we accepted or took that was unpleasant but we CONVINCED ourselves we were in love!' We are not over the idea that were we really in love or was it all just fake charm and lies and manipulation and worse self delusions?..Part of not getting over something is blaming, i.e, feeling duped and angry with ourselves. That blaming soon will go away, because we find compassin for ourselves and can eventually stop beating ourselves us for blindly choosing not to see what type of person was before us. We live and learn and let go.

Of course the big part of the process of healing and all the up and down feelings depends on if you how you chose again to process the time during NC. If you pine and cry and wait...it's harder to realease it and move on. But if you really look and examine that relationship, yeah you may hurt, but that hidden stuff won't leave you feeling like a limp dish rag, but stronger with a new outlook about yourself.

[Ezydriver]

CYNICALNLOVE, you said.....

I had expected that I was going to be in the position that I am now, as I have done in the past. It was so easy to get over it before him, but I only wonder why it was so hard to let this one go? I've never had a break-up that was as painful as this. So was it love?

Me too, I've had 4 relationships, the first 3 were (I hate to say this) very easy to let go, I'd left the relationships emotionally a long time before, however, my 4th relationship, and by far my shortest (6 months) is proving nigh on impossible to get over, its been just over 7 weeks now, she was damaged by a bad marriage and currently going through a divorce, she was emotionally unstable and in the end I realised that despite thinking that she was a 'nice' girl at the start, she was in fact fundamentally selfish, I was a rebound for her and an experiment to see if she could get a mans love and keep it. All the 'I love you's' were just bullsh*t as too were the 'I felt sick when you weren't here's' that I heard from her too. I gave it my all and was very gentle, understanding, caring, I'm tall dark and handsome too, but some people are too selfish to care. In hindsight (always 20/20) I think I just made her feel better about herself, but I fell for her in a big way and I hate to say it, but I feel obsessed at the moment, despite my strength and will to get me through and maintain no contact. I put her upon a pedestal which I still have trouble withdrawing, I'm very hung up and I am in love with her 'good' side, she had a very enchanting smile and her eyes lit up, she was very quirky and gorgeous looking. She suffered from depression, yet some days she'd be all over me, then the next it was like I didn't exist, it went through these two stages back and forth all the time. I know what you mean about real pain, as I said I've had breakups, but this is a BREAKUP. I hate it. People always say that you develop your character and certain people are only supposed to be in your life a short while to teach or show you something, I hate this idea, but it is true. I hate the idea that these people are nothing more really, just teachers and experiences, but think about it, it has to work that way, it couldn't be any other way, or we'd never develop.

Regards,

Steve.

[In Sync]

There is another factor we need to realize in the what is making certain relationships harder to recover from. The inability to see yourself (oursleves) as having been addicted to the relationship. Just like a drug user is addicted to heroin or an alcholic to booze, we were addicted to people who we thought were making us feel good. In the begiining with these people it was all euphoric and felt great, then as the highs became harder (as the ex's were revealing their true nature which may have not been the best combination for us) and the more we kept going to them for gratification ignoring the fact they weren't going to be able to cure us of what underneathe our need for them...we clung and clung and stayed in these relationship that took a toll on us. There's a reason underneathe the surface of why you can't shake a certain break-up. Other pasts relationship may not have that obsessive quality or brought out that need within you.

 

Going on 3 months of NC, I feel like the fog has been removed. Reality has set in. I am shocked at myself by the things I accepted from him as tokens that he cared, it was my need force him to be the one to make me feel better. The reality was he couldn't. I was addicted to the fantasy nice part I built around him. Once you clearly accept this as a rational and let go of the fantasy of IT WAS LOVE...it makes NC easier a process to go through. Not accepting reality is actually hindering NC because we're still hanging on by a thread to that little fantasy we had over our 'X's"

[riobikini]

cynicalnlove,

 

Delayed reactions are blind-sight impacts.

 

Like the car you didn't see from your rear or side mirror.

 

They can happen to anyone.

 

There are three primary reasons this can happen.

 

1) It normally happens when your own set of break-up circumstances had a some unique criteria which made you actually ENJOY the almost forgotten freedoms you became acquainted with again, just after the breakup.

 

2) Sometimes, it happens because of personality characteristics in dealing with important issues, i.e. if you are the type of person who naturally procrastinates, simply takes your time in absorbing things, allows more 'fun' distractions to take over, or stubbornly refuses to deal with issues immediately until you are damn good and ready.

 

3) Thirdly, you may have been just so NUMB from the emotional trauma that you distanced yourself from the immediate effects of the pain and are just now beginning to thaw and feel some of the heat of the trauma.

 

It could be because of one or more of those reasons, -or something not even brought up here, but I believe what I've listed is a good place to start looking for the 'right' answer.

 

Whatever the reason, tho, -the effect is still that it's just now getting to you and you may feel as if you have just broken up TODAY, -not weeks ago.

 

When your emotions are catching up with an event, it will be 'day one' for you, but you will likely be dealing with a more strange situation due to your partner having already 'been there' and moved on to more advanced stages of his/her own recovery.

 

You may feel more 'alone' than most people would, -perhaps more profoundly 'abandoned' or 'lost'.

 

With this delayed reaction response, be aware that you are more susceptible than others who've experienced the more immediate breakup emotions, and are in more danger of becoming trapped in the 'I feel sorry for me' thing, or developing cankerous wounds of bitterness with your set of circumstances.

 

How to beat it?

 

You will have to proceed with greater determination towards your recovery by using stricter methods of facing your reality.

 

All the rules of NC should be enlisted.

 

ALL the rules.

 

Here are some of the most important ones for you:

 

a) Set aside a DAY aside for your own personal therapy session and go over every shred of info, both tangible and mental replay, of your relationship.

 

Put all the tangible memories in a pile in the middle of the floor, sit down in the pile, sort through what you must return, and what you must trash, -and say 'good-bye' to all the pictures, the gifts, the letters, etc.

 

Cry.

 

Hug them.

 

But say 'Good-bye'.

 

Delete the email, -and addresses, contacts, including blog boards, message boards, internet sites where he/she publicly posts, etc. and block them.

 

ALL of it.

 

Remove the phone numbers and his/her saved messages from your cell/home phone. Even his/her circle of contacts you may have also stored.

 

As you do this you will probably feel a profound emptiness and painful ache.

 

It will create a vacuum in your life (heart) that will need to be filled.

 

b) Talk OUTLOUD to yourself in private.

 

Use kind words and say all the things that you like about yourself, i.e. how talented, beautiful, caring, smart, and creative you are.

 

Use your 'rainy day' fund to lavish yourself in a few luxuries.

 

Make YOURSELF feel loved.

 

c) Protect yourself.

 

Stay away from ALL venues (as reasonably as possible), where you know your, -now, ex-partner- will be and avoid the places where your memories together were formed, i.e. the same movie house, the restaurant where you even had your 'own' table, etc.

 

Do not listen to the same music you listened to with your partner. Now is the time to explore other genres of music. You will be surprised at what you find yourself liking, -and buying.

 

Stay away from his/her friends, relatives, etc. and begin to build a new social network of friends, totally apart from the ones you shared.

 

NOTE: Keep the truest, most supportive ones close to you.

 

d) Now, after doing all the above, you can begin to plan your recovery.

 

Formulate a ROUTINE with a physical activity you will do EVERYDAY and others (social activities, -one that 'gets' you something and one that 'gives' someone else something) that will vary in activity from day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month.

 

Routine PHYSICAL activity suggestions: join a gym, take a dance class, become a mountain hiker or biker, or just take a very long walk or jog everyday.

 

Routine OTHER (social) activity, -the 'GETTING': join a wine club, car or bike club, anything-but-dating club.

 

And the 'GIVING': volunteer stuff like, become a hospital volunteer, teach a class, work in the library, or see what it's like in someone else's world and volunteer to feed people in a soup kitchen.

 

What you are doing with each of these activities is filling the void, the loss of the love that left your heart and reaching out to give love, and get love, which is a natural trait of human beings to want to do.

 

Love for YOURSELF and LOVE FOR OTHERS.

 

Thus, the 'getting', and the 'giving' method of healing.

 

The more physical stuff is giving your body a much-needed workout to disperse and cleanse the 'bad' chemicals from your body generated by the emotions of the sudden realization of your breakup that may contribute to your feeling 'down'.

 

Physical activity can generate the 'good' hormones which help in building confidence which is a necessary balm for you right now.

 

'Necessary' because you must have the confidence that you remain worthy as a human being and lovable, and see that fact through your own eyes to fully recover in a healthy way.

 

e) Get to know YOURSELF.

 

Now is the time to really look at YOU.

 

Do 'research' on what makes you tick.

 

Find out what you are made of emotionally, morally, what your limits are, the vulnerability of your own personal coping methods, what your true likes/dislikes are, and keep delving into your own psyche until you really have a handle on WHO YOU ARE.

 

Once you feel like you know something about yourself (the good, the bad, and the ugly), and are committed to a reasonable plan to 'fix' the problems you've just discovered, you will owe yourself an opportunity to begin trying it out.

 

Beginning a PRO-ACTIVE implementation program naturally calls for taking that info to the next level: putting it to work in your life.

 

If you have read this far in this post and are still with me, I congratulate you!

 

You have more grit than the average bear already, and what that says about you is that you are probably serious about getting through this breakup business and looking to move ahead.

 

Your very first 'test' will be when (not 'if'), you meet your ex face-to-face, either by accident or in a 'have-to' situation.

 

You need to postpone any meeting with your ex until you have done all the above, if you can, -but 'accidental' meetings DO happen, and your self-preservation and composure skills will eventually be tested.

 

Learn to breathe correctly.

 

Slow, easy breaths.

 

If it's an accidental encounter, and you can't skirt the face-to-face thing, make it as short as possible, say little, leave.

 

I totally agree with another poster here on LS, called NoFoolin'...and I will end my post with his thread link:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=56954

 

Do take time to read it.

 

The link will take up where I left off and give you the inside of a real case scenario and some of the most invaluable advice from a man who obviously went through some of the worst hell and recovery issues that tell a story worth knowing and learning from.

 

I hope all this has helped you.

 

Keep posting and sharing.

 

Take care.

 

And here's a hug:

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[Brittanyjean06]

In sync, everything you have posted- just made me have an apifiny- It made me realize so much, and its so true! You fall in love with who you think they are- and when they do something bad- you ingore it, well thats what i did i was so blind-

 

we did fall in love- but his true nature showed- and i never did anything about it

[In Sync]

In sync, everything you have posted- just made me have an apifiny- It made me realize so much, and its so true! You fall in love with who you think they are- and when they do something bad- you ingore it, well thats what i did i was so blind-

 

we did fall in love- but his true nature showed- and i never did anything about it

 

 

Brittanyjean06,

Recovery from these emotional setbacks are like taking baby steps...All the advise and input everyone gives are like invisible helping hands to guide you, BUT eventually YOU will be on your feet dancing around and free of all it. Take all the advise people offer and let it flow into your consciousness. My words and others will set off light bulbs and you'll have more than one "ah hah" moments but hundreds.

At the end of the day you will get through this...but the journey gets easier the more you are accepting of life and trust that you will make it!

[sick of it]

so let me throw this out there....

 

you fall in love with someone for what you think they are, an idea, a dream. little things happen that you overlook. this is normal, everyone does it. relationships cant happen without forgiveness.

eventually, this overlooking eats away at who you actually are. you forgive and forget, you turn a blind eye...this happens over such a long period of time that youre doing all of the giving.

they leave you and youre left with this idea of who they are (in your head). theyre still this dream, this perfect person and someone else has them now. yes, we must get over it. yes its hard, yes there are tools and techniques to use to help.

however, youre left battered and broken, not really knowing why. this perfect person is gone and youre left to fend for yourself. thats all fine and good...eventually. what do you do with the idea of who they were. does that go away? its along the lines of having ground beef after having filet mignon. i understand you should never compare to your ex, but really, can you help it? i dont want to date anyone because even after all the s*** that happened, i still look at what she and i had and it was every dream i ever dreamt coming true.

and though this sounds harsh...i dont know how else to say it... how do you settle for less?

[Ezydriver]

good point, but part of recovery is to see the person for what they were, to see their true colours and to realise that your perception of them was just an ideal, a dream. Thats a fundamental step in recovery. You are right though in the following quote of yours,

eventually, this overlooking eats away at who you actually are. you forgive and forget, you turn a blind eye...this happens over such a long period of time that youre doing all of the giving.

they leave you and youre left with this idea of who they are (in your head). theyre still this dream, this perfect person

Regards,

Steve.

[In Sync]

good point, but part of recovery is to see the person for what they were, to see their true colours and to realise that your perception of them was just an ideal, a dream. Thats a fundamental step in recovery. You are right though in the following quote of yours,

Regards,

Steve.

 

Again you guys are missing a critical point which holds you back in recovering...what made you gravitate to this person. That's the core, that's the hardest part to deal with because facing that what's underneathe is where the answer lies and confronting means you have no more excuse to cling to fantasy of your "X's".

 

 

however, youre left battered and broken, not really knowing why. this perfect person is gone and youre left to fend for yourself. thats all fine and good...eventually. what do you do with the idea of who they were. does that go away?

 

If you took the same amount of time to ask yourself why did I project this ideal image on this person in the first place? The answer could be many reasons but somewhere there's how you feel about yourself. If you make that person a god or goddess, aren't you by nature feeling like 'wow, I must be special because that perfect person wants me.' You (and includes me and most others who have been in this emotional quagmire after a crushing breakup) allowed your identity to be tied to this person. We gave our self esteem over to someone and overlooked their flaws because our self-image is quite low. Doesn't mean you don't look good, doesn't mean that you aren't successful with your work, or that you don't have a fab body, car house..still our own self image is so low that we place someone on a pedestal, and we were now worthy of these gods. When the gods leave, since we never worked on our self image but spent so much time building theirs, of course we feel broken. We were running on low self-image!!! So in desperation of NC we want to break it, we feel like hell after 1 month because slowly we are progressing but after being so conditioned that we are nothing without them or can't survive, we artificially still cling to those images as a hope, a last ditch effort if only we could looked upon by that god again and feel a sense of self worth.

 

The sooner we confront that we had a hand in building these gods -in-smoke and mirrors, up the sooner it will go away. We know that it was a fantasy now ask yourself why did you put them on that pedestal. And it's alot deeper than a cute smile, and their charms...

[cynicalnlove]

cynicalnlove,

 

Delayed reactions are blind-sight impacts.

 

Like the car you didn't see from your rear or side mirror.

 

They can happen to anyone.

 

There are three primary reasons this can happen.

 

-Rio

 

 

Wow, i'd repost this one ~ but it's too long. And yes, I did read the rest of it.. and pretty serious about getting over this break-up. Thank you for all the neccessary steps for my success. There is definetely no contact based on my side. The hardest part is, to let go completely. It's like accepting the death of a loved one.. putting everything away as if they never existed. And to me, that is hard. It's like putting away a part of myself also, a part which i've shared with this man... AND that part needs to let go.

 

Please don't get me wrong. I have an extremely busy lifestyle. My days are fully packed with activities, work, working out.. etc. etc.. but when i get a moments rest, i think about this. And that is the HARD part.

 

but i will try -