iamtrying Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 hi all i am new here.... trying to deal with stuff that is happening ....and sending hugs to all in similar situations .... basically.. i met my MM when he was posted overseas to work at where i am based at. we dated for 3 months before he went back to his country.....we became friends... had a good time ...... really connected...soulmates....etc etc.. we decided to do long distance and try to work things out.... now here comes the big catch .. he lied to me about his single status... he told me he is divorced and with 3 kids ....but he is actually still married.... he went back and told the wife that he wants a divorce... the wife called me and send me emails to tell me that he is married..yada yada yada... i confronted him .... he admitted to lying about his status but he is just afraid of losing me etc etc.. i caved as i thought he was really doing something it as he already had told the wife etc etc etc to cut a long story short.. after a LOT of discussions and to and fro ... the latest he is telling me is he cant divorce as he doesnt want to leave the kids... he cant have me migrate over as it is financially not viable.... he cant migrate to where i am as he wants to be with his kids at the moment... i tried breaking up with him a couple of times this 2 months since i knew of the whole issue... but of course i failed.... he keep asking me to give him time.. to spend more time with the kids and to try to convince to give him the ok to divorce the mum.. he doesnt want to hide the fact that he is in love with me from them.... his kids and wife all know about us and they have all spoken to mje before.....he just wants their blesing for him to leave !!!!!????? i keep telling him that it is impossible that any kids will give their blessings to the parents divorce...and its them or me..... now i am trying to keep NC.... help me .... thanks a bunch
newbby Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 so he is so weak and selfish that he is even putting his children in the position of having to feel responsible for his happiness??? he is probably a nice guy really, but it doesnt sound as though he is willing to take responsibility for anything or find the strength to make any decisions. keep doing nc, and talk here whenever you think you are going to break it.
Author iamtrying Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 thanks for the support..... i really dont know what to do ... he admitted he had 1 affair before ... it was purely sexual ...(the wife confirmed it and told me that i was the only one he actually wanted to divorce for) the reason he wanted to be with his kids is because of his own history and that he didnt want them to go through what he had gone through (he had a bad father etc and once again the wife confirmed that) btw his 3 kids are all in their early to mid teens (he is 50 and i am 31) on 1 hand i know given his situation, it would take a very heartless man to leave the kids as he would have to migrate to another country in order to be with me .... on the other hand... if he really love me... he should be able to do it ... i really dont know what to do now... should i wait (and remain friends... our record is like 1000 email a day and daily calls.. no kidding.. we are doing long distance and we really enjoy talking to each other)... or should i remain firm and NC ? he doesnt want NC and tried to convince me very hard ... our last few emails and talk had been me trying to be hard on him and telling him i will be going NC once he is back at home (his work schedule is like he will be working alternate months) anyway... he has just went back home and it has been 3 days and he has made no attempt at contacting me... i had caved and ask him to come over to visit me but there has yet to be any response.... its either he is sick ( he was sick before he went back home) or the wife is creating so much trouble and is locking up the computer so that he cant contact me....... help i am really confused....
scarletletter Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 Not sure about what advice to give you but I can tell you from what I have seen and heard in the past, if you try and make a man choose between you and his children, he will most always pick the children....and what kind of man would he be if he didn't?
newbby Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 of course he cant make a choice between you and his children. the only choice can be you or his wife. his children should always come first. well, the only option is for him to help finance your migration. so why is this not possible.
Author iamtrying Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 well... basically.. i am not an americian.. he is .... so if i migrate over...i may not be able to find work there easily (i am a CPA but with the US GAAP being different so i may not be able to find work easily in the states .....) he is earning a good earning himself but after the divorce ..(alimony and childcare) half of his earnings will be gone and we will be financial stretched if i go over. the only option is he migrate to where i am based where finances will definitely not be a problem even after the divorce ..... i agree that i will definitely not be chosen over the children .... i am swinging between being depress and trying hard to get over him ..... fingers cross i will recover ...... thanks again for all your support and opinion...
brubaker2004 Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 why on earth would you want him to move to a different country than where his children live? if you really want it to work, it will be about sacrifices, and the money issue is something you will have to work out with him, even if it means living "less comfortably" than you'd like. you should not expect him to move so far from his children, and even if you do expect it it most likely won't happen (and if it does then he is probably not the kind of man you should consider building a life with).
Author iamtrying Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 hiya... nope i was not the one who wants him to move over to where i am... on the contrary, he is the one who wants to move over here .... i offered to move over to where he is and even had a huge fight with him over why i cant move over to where he is ... that is when he explain to me about the finance side... he is the one who insisted on coming over as he says he loves the country where i am based at ....
Author iamtrying Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 anyway basically i am handing things over to him on a silver platter but he is the one who refuse to compromise and stuff .... i am starting to wonder if he is using teh kids as an excuse for not divorcing but i do have to agree after we talked that finances will be tight after the divorce .......
newbby Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 sounds like he is feeding you a load of bull****. sorry. keep to the nc, there are lots of people here doing nc and lots more people who can support you through.
ColoradoGal Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 Not sure about what advice to give you but I can tell you from what I have seen and heard in the past, if you try and make a man choose between you and his children, he will most always pick the children....and what kind of man would he be if he didn't? What kind of man is he to cheat twice on the mother of his children? No excuse and you deserve better. I'm sure when he married her and started his family he felt the same way about his wife that he says he does about you now. He seems to have a pattern and you (and his wife) deserve better!
bluechocolate Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 iamtrying - this is what I find confusing about this: we dated for 3 months before he went back to his country.....we became friends... had a good time ...... really connected...soulmates....etc etc.. we decided to do long distance and try to work things out.... 3 months!? This guy is going to give up his marriage & think about moving countries based on an affair of 3 months? It just doesn't sit right. You can have experienced all the soul-connectedness in the world, but after only 3 months together you two are still just scratching the surface. I just cannot understand how anyone could make such life changing decisions based on this. He sounds impetuous & immature. Which is perhaps why his wife appears to be so accommodating. No doubt she has been here before. Whatever - here is your answer: he cant have me migrate over as it is financially not viable.... he cant migrate to where i am as he wants to be with his kids at the moment... Plain & simple. fingers cross i will recover ...... Of course you will, but only if you completely stop all communication with him and accept that those 3 months are all you're going to have.
Merin Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 *Ahem* He lied about being married... He lied about his Kiddo's... AND He continues to lie to you, to his Wife and God knows who else. He is selfish. He put HIMSELF before his Wee Peeps, His Wife and you. This will go no where good, trust me on this. Once upon a time Merin met a Guy who was (is) in the Marine Corps. He SAID he wasn't married, he SAID he had no kid's... turned out the best way to know when this jerkoff was lying was when his lips were moving... ya feeling me here? It doesn't matter if this guy you met is confused, or unhappy yada yada... worse than his being married (and it isn't to you) is that he's a LIAR and that will not change even if he moves from one relationship with his Wife to you. Good Luck 2
Author iamtrying Posted January 5, 2006 Author Posted January 5, 2006 dear all thanks for all the support .... i know he has 3 kids ...he never lied about them... he lied about his marital status....big time too... i know. i understand all the part about its only been 3 months dating and 2 months long distance ...... i too am trying to tell myself that its too short a time for me to feel so deeply for someone.... but somehow we just clicked ....... i know the best thiing for me to do is to cut him totally out of my life... i am trying .. (that's how my nick came about...ha ha) but i seriouusly know how torn apart he is too ... i read the emails that the children were sending him (i have access to his email) and they were like telling him if he doesnt come back to them they are so upset that they are going to quit school etc etc etc ..... with regards to finances being tight ... we went through his finances together and calculated.... it is not an impossibility but it will be tight after the divorce .... i am be kidding myself but i feel that he does love me... but just not enough to try his best......
justagirliegirl Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 He sounds like a first class selfish jerk. He has cheated on his wife more than once. He is involving his children in a very cruel and sick way. Say he did leave his family for you. You plan to have kids with this jerk? What will you do when you find out he is cheating on you? He has already proven himself to be a liar and a cheat. Are those the qualities you are lookig for in a mate?
Author iamtrying Posted January 5, 2006 Author Posted January 5, 2006 i dont think that he is involving the kids in a cruel and sick way .... he just dont want to hurt them more than he already had .... of course he should have already thought of that before getting involve with me but guess both me and him didnt expect us to fall so deeply involve with each other. i think that all of us involved with a mm are taking a chance that he is not a serial cheater.... he has already proven that he can cheat by being with us. it is up to us to decide if it is really worth taking a chance even if we are with a SG that has no track record of cheating... it doesnt guarantee that he will not cheat in the future..... guess it is up to us to decide and keep our finger cross if the mm we are with are serial cheaters (which is of course a big no no) .
EMJ Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 to leave his family and be with you? I've never heard of anything so bizarre (?) Where does that happen? He lives in another country and yet you have access to his e-mail account? How did you get it? I can't imagine someone would hand over his password and say "check it whenever you want" ? Did you just save it on your computer and he doesn't know about it. It makes a huge diffrence if you are going into his account with out him knowing. Iamtrying, it does look like you really are trying to figure this all out. He's a lot older, a generation older to be exact, than you are. Do you think you have enough in common to seriously make a go of it if decided to leave the W? I would worry more about that because physical changes come quickly with men of his age. How will you feel anout him when he's 60? 70? You are in the Prime of your life, his prime is past, or fading. That's frequently a big part of the attraction. If he can't be 31 again, he can pretend that he is since an attractive 31 year old is interested in him he must "still have it". But this is not about him, it's about you. Here's what looks like your truth: "to cut a long story short.. after a LOT of discussions and to and fro ... the latest he is telling me is he cant divorce as he doesnt want to leave the kids... he cant have me migrate over as it is financially not viable.... he cant migrate to where i am as he wants to be with his kids at the moment..." He's got a lot of excuses. Look at the big picture. Doesn't look like he's offering you anything here. Trust your gut. It's usually a lot more accurate and smarter than the heart. Good luck.
Author iamtrying Posted January 5, 2006 Author Posted January 5, 2006 hiya all.. thanks for all the replies yup he knows i have been reading the emails and he doesnt mind. i got the password from the wife... long story..... beside the big issue that he is a mm, i also been thinking about the whole age gap thing. we have lots in common and love to do the same stuff.... we had the best time of our life when we were together and that is what that is making it so difficult to let go ... we can even have a good laugh communicating via emails ...... given that he is much older than me.... he is the more active one between the both of us... he loves to jog and he jogs everyday.... however the issue of physical change thing is a real issue and something i will have to deal with IF i really do end with him. anyway... i am trying to take baby steps to wean myself off him. i have started a online diary as an outlet so that i can vent or write stuff that i wanted to email him about ... baby steps... baby steps ... i am trying .....
EMJ Posted January 7, 2006 Posted January 7, 2006 I'm so glad you are processing the bigger picture and all the issues that go with it. Sometimes you do have to "be careful what you ask for" because what if you did get it?? Then you'd be stuck. My sense is that eventually he would resent your youth & the fact that so many options are still out there for you in life and not for him. He would be pretty isolated among your peers. Like "Who brought thier Dad to the party?" It's good he that works out, but that's just to stay alive & healthy. It does not turn back the clock on his life experience and that fact that he was an adult when you were born. I'm just saying. Your youth is one of your strongest assets. Maybe you should use it attract someone closer to your age with whom you could have a more compatible long term relationship? They won't as looking at you as much when you are 40. That's just the hard cold truth. I fell for a man 9 years older than me, but learned that he could not relate to any of my friends and would just kind of sink into the woodwork at the few social events we attended. He's normally very outgoing, but this wasn't his crowd and he did feel out of place and old (although he would never admit it). We found out that our compatiblity only worked when were alone, and often in bed. Eventually that wasn't much fun either, you really CAN'T teach old dogs new tricks. I became very bored after I believed that all the passion I had for him was true love. It disappeared when the day to day became a bad fit and not fun for either of us. Best wishes. Keep processing. You'll do the right thing.
Author iamtrying Posted January 16, 2006 Author Posted January 16, 2006 its been like 18 days since our last contact and he has not made any attempt to contact me..... i know its best for me but i really cant believe that he has made no attempt to contact me (even though i was the one who wanted to have NC).... he tried to damn hard to change my mind before the deadline i gave him for starting NC ... i had caved once and emailed him during day 2 of NC but he has not responded at all.... really wonder why didnt he tried to contact me at all..... i can feel that i am about to break NC again... help.........
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 Sorry, but he IS sticking with no contact. Like or not. I suggest you try your best to put him out of your head - Emotionally end it with him in your mind.
Author iamtrying Posted January 16, 2006 Author Posted January 16, 2006 during our last email and phone call he himself told me that since i dont want him to come over to see me.... then please email/call him whenever i want. that is why i am so surprise that he did not respond when i emailed him earlier... he never wanted NC and i was the one who want NC but regardless.. guess i am just having a bad day .....
EMJ Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 Even if you have decided that you are finished with him. Change is not easy. You have to force yourself into a different routine. It's the only way to change this dymamic. You need to do different things with different people. Something else needs to fill that void. I'm sure he may want to keep the door open on some level and will contact you. He's been getting all the REAL benefits out of this situation not you. You have been dragged into a family mess. It's not good for you at all. He became a habit in your life and habits are very hard to break, even the ones that can kill you. Take a class, reconnect with some friends, just start doing something that will fill your mind and hours with something other than him. I guarrantee that if you make the break permanent and really do the work, a year from now you'll be saying "What was I thinking?" about being with him. Time and distance are your best friends. Good Luck.
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