BUTAFLY Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 I thought I was over him...but I saw him today and got the butterflys in my belly. I hate that he makes me feel like a little school girl ..I 'm almost thirty for gods sake. I contemplate being OW but I know I couldn't do it. I would just hate myself, but I do see how others end up the OW/OM. It should be against the law to break a womans heart g. I hate him when I think of all he has done while we were dating. This man was my own personal Scott Peterson....a true sociopathic lier. He called me from his engagement party and tells me he having drinks with friends and was thinking of me. He called me while driving to church and told me he had a mens group study session when he was really meeting his fiance for pre marrital councling at the church. we would walk past a jewlery store and he'd mention how pretty an engagement ring would look on my hand. He would ask me where I would like to honeymoon, hot or cold climate ALL THE WHILE HE IS PLANNING HIS WEDDING!!! I should hate him but can't...help!! my mind says one thing...my heart says another.
Citizen Erased Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 Six words honey: He's married, dont waste your time.
Author BUTAFLY Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 not trying to get him back....just trying to get over him.
EMJ Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 This is what you said: "I hate him when I think of all he has done while we were dating. This man was my own personal Scott Peterson....a true sociopathic lier. He called me from his engagement party and tells me he having drinks with friends and was thinking of me" Nice. Real nice. He's pure evil and you are playing along. Why do you respond to him at all on any level? You heart is ALL messed up if you somehow think this person adds ANY value to your life. He's creepy, dishonest, and you are enabling him to do continue it. No one can help you if you aren't honest enough to help yourself. Read what you wrote. Looks like someone would have to be mentally unstable to make the choice to want to be with this person at all. Ever. Cannot understand what it would take for you to get over him if this kind of crap won't do it. "I hate that he makes me feel like a little school girl ..I'm almost thirty for gods sake." That's right. Time to make the adult decision to protect yourself and find someone appropriate, you know, a real grown up. You are WAY too old for this childish game.
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 The fact you've just compared him to Scott Peterson is enough. GET OVER HIM! For your own sanity. The guy is a complete and utter a**h***. I feel sorry for his wife!
OzGirl Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 Your MM sounds exactly the same as my MM - I won't go into details... we all know how it started, unfolded and ended (same as everyone else, unfortunately). But... Something really good has come out of this. It REALLY hurt constantly and then, one day, I woke up and no more tears. I couldn't sqeeze 'em out if I tried. I don't know what made that happen. I still think about him from time to time, wonder what he's up to, if he's happy, and if he's still lying anyway (if not to me, most probably to himself anyway...). The pain does end. And, I think of it this way. Fair enough, it's not been easy, I'm sure, when his W found out he was having an affair, but she chose to stay with him. I, on the other hand, was effectively "dumped" and left to my own devices to figure out what happened to me, why it happened, what he was maintaining in his marriage unbeknownst to me, and what grovelling he must have had to do to give his wife reason to stay, etc. It's a lot to deal with at one time. But, I've dealt with it. Read every book under the sun, read these forums (oh, GOD, what therapy this forum has been!), asked the questions of him, myself, the world. Trust me - there is a point where there's nothing left to ask. The source of the pain (MM) loses his power. And, believe it or not, you WILL be grateful you are NOT his partner... someone else is. I'm sure I miss the feelings I had with him - and wonder if I would ever have them again with (obviously) someone else. But, even if I don't... or I don't for a long time. At LEAST I'm not laying in bed thinking he touched another woman's body. I'm not watching an affair in the plot of some show on TV thinking what did I do to deserve this? I'm NOT wondering if I can trust my husband again. I'm NOT wondering if when he tells me I'm beautiful, if that's a line he used on someone else. I'm NOT fantasising about a future that isn't real. And, I'm NOT kidding myself that what I have is worth holding on to. People stay married for many reasons. But, for some, they feel there is no choice but to stay, even if it's not that good. I still have the freedom to make that choice. Every day. And, it's not just something I think, it's something I DO. The hardest thing to realise, because it makes you feel unloved and unlovable, and resurfaces any existing or surpressed feelings you already have or maybe even had a long time ago (like in childhood) - WHY do I believe I can only be loved in a compromising way? And, WHY don't I believe that he doesn't really love me.... because THAT'S the truth. If he did, he would NEVER leave you, NEVER let you shed a tear, NEVER look at ANYONE else for ANY reason, and it would over-ride all other feelings of obligation to anyone else. Maybe, love doesn't matter to him as much as it does to you? Who knows. One good thing about seeing a MM is at LEAST you know the situation involves other people. Imagine if you found out your MM was seeing not just you, but one or two other people aside from his W? Imagine he chats regularly online to someone else. After you get your head out of the sand, you realise it's not that hard. And, I sincerely wish ALL of those people hurting that tomorrow morning is the day you wake up with no more tears left, too. It's the most humbling and self-assessing thing I've ever done - trying to accept and move on from the break up with a MM I once would have sold my soul on ebay for 10c to have forever. My soul is worth at least $10 now Just get it out - it will end... these feelings of rage, jealousy, heartbreak, hate, and paralysis. But it won't end until you push your way to the end. Keep moving forward and try not to stand still too long - there's no point. The view ain't that nice where you are anyway. My heart goes out to anyone who feels the way you do. Truly.
Author BUTAFLY Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 Ozgirl , you said "I, on the other hand, was effectively "dumped" and left to my own devices to figure out what happened to me, why it happened, what he was maintaining in his marriage unbeknownst to me, and what grovelling he must have had to do to give his wife reason to stay, etc. It's a lot to deal with at one time." thats exactly how I felt...bewildered and confused and scapping for answers on how anyone could do what he did and still have a soul. I didn't see how he was keeping his marriage together, why didn't she see through his lies, how is he faking being a good guy for so long, well I got some answers. SHE was his OW from his first marriage and she fought tooth and nail for him, so I do believe this marriage is truely made in hell based on lies and deception and she will never give him up. I see this man everyday, we work for the same company and he acts as if nothing happened, we chat in the passing but i'm starting to think this communication is slowing my heeling process. Ozgirl...do you think I should forgive and forget or just forget and stop talking to him all together?
cherrie498 Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 BUTAFLY: WOW! His new W is his old OW & she knows about you already....WOW! Someone in another post stated *** If you have to fight to have them you will have to fight to KEEP them** * proves to be true in this case!!!! Just wanna know: Did his last W finally D him or he decided to leave for OW? "so I do believe this marriage is truely made in hell based on lies and deception and she will never give him up." You asked if you should give him a chance......isnt a "M made in hell based on lies & deception" the best possible outcome if you decide to stay or to give in another chance?!?!? That has to open your eyes somewhat, doesnt it? He, although I am sure his feeling & words toward you where sincere, they are also words & feelings for the moment. He has no regards spiritually &/or legally to the meaning of marriage. Amazing how some people do that. I am an OW, well EX-OW that has just recently started to really begin to understand how emotionally unhealthy these relationships are. Everyone ends up being a victim. It sucks, sucks to have unsatisfied feelings, unanswered questions, to fill left behind & just disappointed. promise you that that feeling of disappointment will never leave, he will never live up to your expectations just as you will not his.....remember this marriage/relationship is truly made in hell based on lies and deception Qz: "At LEAST I'm not laying in bed thinking he touched another woman's body. I'm not watching an affair in the plot of some show on TV thinking what did I do to deserve this? I'm NOT wondering if I can trust my husband again. I'm NOT wondering if when he tells me I'm beautiful, if that's a line he used on someone else. I'm NOT How true, how long are you going to wait on him to hold your hand & begin living the life that the two of you FANTASIE about, just before he leaves & returns to REALITY with his WIFE & you return to your reality with?!?!?! the words that he left you hanging on??? BELIEVE in YOURSELF!!! Good luck to you! As Oz also said pain will one day just go away, this is something that I just now believe!
Author BUTAFLY Posted January 5, 2006 Author Posted January 5, 2006 cherrie, His wife D him when she found out about the OW. This is after she found out he fathered a child while they were engaged and he kept that secrete from her too, but she forgave him for that. The OW was the last straw for her.
Barby Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Wow yeah, comparing him to Scott Peterson is really NOT a good sign, yet somehow it still comes across that you'd love to be with him if given the chance. That being said..... I can understand how it is hard/confusing to see an ex that you still care about, and having him make comments like he's still interested in a future probably sends you railing with a mix of emotions. Remember the best thing you can do for YOU is continue to fight your urges and keep him out of your romantic life and limit him in your work life as much as possible. The less you see him, the less confusion/hurt. Good luck! I
cherrie498 Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 BUTAFLY this has to show you the pattern that this man has not only created but continues to follow. I believe that people make mistakes, but how many times can one make the same mistake, do your best to get over him. In my R with MM I felt like & have to admitt (at times) still feel like the love that we shared was uncomparable to the love that he could possibly have toward anyone else including his W, accepting the excuse that he was staying at home for his C, just so I didnt have to face the truth that the love we share, although intense & "real" it was unhealthy & ultimatly leading to a very unhealthy & emotional damaging world. you will not move on until you want to, it takes the WANT to move past....not the need to we all know we need to! : ) . I wish you the best!!!!
InApickle Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Wow yeah, comparing him to Scott Peterson is really NOT a good sign, yet somehow it still comes across that you'd love to be with him if given the chance. That being said..... I can understand how it is hard/confusing to see an ex that you still care about, and having him make comments like he's still interested in a future probably sends you railing with a mix of emotions. Remember the best thing you can do for YOU is continue to fight your urges and keep him out of your romantic life and limit him in your work life as much as possible. The less you see him, the less confusion/hurt. Good luck! I My mm admitted to me today that he has no willpower or desire to stop seeing me, but does not plan on ever leaving his wife unless she is the one to request a divorce. So... Basicially he said it will have to be me that says we can't see eachother anymore and that it will have to be me that makes sure we don't relapse. Because he loves me, etc. etc.... Plus.... We work together. I am so blinded by love right now... I'm letting myself be used and I don't know how to stop it. The prospect of ending things hurts worse then this ongoing agony... oh boy.. I need help.
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 I think for your own sanity, you need to talk to a therapist. You can't do this on your own. If you want to end it, then consider my suggestion. Otherwise you will be in alot of pain all the time, especially if you don't end this affair. It's your life.
InApickle Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 I think for your own sanity, you need to talk to a therapist. You can't do this on your own. If you want to end it, then consider my suggestion. Otherwise you will be in alot of pain all the time, especially if you don't end this affair. It's your life. Thanks for the reply, I think you are right. I do need to have some guidance and some support to make it through this. Because I do need to end this affair. Some how, some way! ugg...
Author BUTAFLY Posted January 9, 2006 Author Posted January 9, 2006 Thanks for the reply, I think you are right. I do need to have some guidance and some support to make it through this. Because I do need to end this affair. Some how, some way! ugg... my mm gave me the same speech....we also work together. My brain tell me that he DOES NOTwant to accept responsiblity for his actions. His you fall in love then its your fault...if the relationship continues, then it's your fault, if his wife finds out, then its your fault. and you will be the one who gets hurt in the end. My heart tells me that he feels the same as I do and is only staying with her for superficial reasons. But when I see him every work day, that diamond wedding band reminds me who he chose. we need to seek help.
Sami_D Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 not trying to get him back....just trying to get over him. Hello BUTAFLY... I can understand how you feel. That must have been terrible when you found out what he was doing and how he was lying to you. You had SUCH a lucky escape!!! Think of the poor woman he married and be so glad it wasn't you. Such a person as him will never have a happy life, because everything he does is based on lying and pretending. When you look at him, you shouldn't get butterflies... you should be getting a stomach-churning feeling of OMG PHEW! Given time, you'll be able to detach your love feelings from him... just keep thinking of how everything he told you was a lie. I had a similar experience myself, and like me you've probably learnt a lot from it which you'll see once you're able to get some perspective on what happened. Best of luck.
Sami_D Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 thats exactly how I felt...bewildered and confused and scapping for answers on how anyone could do what he did and still have a soul. BUTAFLY, you could try reading about Narcissistic Personality Disorder... or things about pathalogical liars. I can give you some website addresses if you like. Try not thinking about his 'soul'... he's lost, and there's nothing you or anyone else can do. And you shouldn't even think about it. I know it's hard, but just write him off as an interest in your life. [his wife] will never give him up....do you think I should forgive and forget or just forget and stop talking to him all together? When you say 'will never give him up'... it worries me. It's not about her... it's about him and his choices, and his lies. Try to focus on what he's done. His lies. His inability to live an authentic life. And think about how much you don't need that sort of thing in your life.
Sami_D Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 Wow yeah, comparing him to Scott Peterson is really NOT a good sign, yet somehow it still comes across that you'd love to be with him if given the chance. The trouble with this kind of person is that they're extremely good at creating a reality with words... and getting their target to believe in it. How else would they be able to juggle so many 'lives'? Once the truth of the deception comes to light, the target/victim of the lies has a huge problem... two realities in conflict. And it's very hard to un-believe a reality one has been living, however much the facts seem to contradict it. And it IS such a hard thing to deal with.
Sami_D Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 My mm admitted to me today that he has no willpower or desire to stop seeing me, but does not plan on ever leaving his wife unless she is the one to request a divorce. So... Basicially he said it will have to be me that says we can't see eachother anymore and that it will have to be me that makes sure we don't relapse. Because he loves me, etc. etc.... Plus.... We work together. I am so blinded by love right now... I'm letting myself be used and I don't know how to stop it. The prospect of ending things hurts worse then this ongoing agony... oh boy.. I need help. Present pain, or ongoing misery... that's exactly how I just put it to ahotmess in her current thread. InApickle, at least you have one thing here... he's being honest with you about what he's offering. Are you going to end it with him?
Author BUTAFLY Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 The trouble with this kind of person is that they're extremely good at creating a reality with words... and getting their target to believe in it. How else would they be able to juggle so many 'lives'? Once the truth of the deception comes to light, the target/victim of the lies has a huge problem... two realities in conflict. And it's very hard to un-believe a reality one has been living, however much the facts seem to contradict it. And it IS such a hard thing to deal with. YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN
Recommended Posts